Young Prime Minister, a Hermit

Chapter 204

However, there are always places in this world where the bright sunlight cannot reach, such as shady corners, or certain parts of one's heart. My gaze shifted from Xue'er's狰狞 (zhengning - ferocious) smiling face in the darkness, and slowly landed on a drawer at the very bottom of the desk.

Huang Yida's songs flowed gently from my laptop, his tender, pleading voice seeming to silently seep into my heart. I slowly squatted down.

Opening the drawer also unlocked memories that had been dormant in my heart for a century.

If you love, do it now, and embrace the future.

There are too many things to leave for tomorrow, too many things I want to explain...

The two tickets, crumpled and with two corners torn off unsightly, lay out in my palm. I carefully pressed them flat with a book and put them away.

When Xu Lie saw them one day, he couldn't stand it and said, "What are you keeping these two pieces of tattered paper for?!"

His expression was so disgusted, but I was so happy. I said, "Without these two tickets, we wouldn't have been able to ride the pirate ship, and without the pirate ship, we wouldn't have had that first kiss. Tell me, aren't they so meaningful?"

If you love me, tell me. Respond to my embrace; you are my one and only.

Let's not let go of each other anymore. The most beautiful state is to continue loving each other wholeheartedly...

The empty photo frame keychain—I remember begging the shop owner for so long before he gave it to me. It's actually quite ugly, and I knew Xu Lie would dislike it, but I was still happy. That ordinary plastic frame holding our intimate photo seemed to symbolize that no matter what the future holds, through life and death, fortune and misfortune, joy and sorrow, we will never be apart.

The second button on Xu Lie's shirt was actually something he'd accidentally pulled off while loosening his tie. But I treasured it like a precious gem, saying it represented love. Xu Lie laughed, pulled me close, and kissed me deeply. His warm lips descended, soft yet forceful, as if enveloping me in a happiness that would never fade.

I always remember Xu Lie's face, a mixture of anger and helplessness, his expression a mixture of heartache and reproach as he carefully tended to my wound with the leftover bandages and gauze. He complained, "Why do you always manage to hurt yourself?" while simultaneously regretting that he had accidentally hurt me. But he would never know how secretly pleased and smug I was, even as I hissed and grimaced in pain…

If you love, do it now. What else is there in life?

A brilliance more certain than having you fills every future moment...

How much did I love him back then? My whole heart, my entire being, was filled only with him. Because of such deep love, I was greedy; because of such deep love, I was jealous; because of such deep love, I felt inferior… How much I wished then that we could be together forever?

The song slowly faded away, and I was immersed in beautiful memories, followed by an overwhelming wave of despair. I closed my dry eyes, thinking about how my eyes, which hadn't shed a single tear since Xu Lie's death, were so sore and painful. My laptop, however, paid no heed to my feelings and started playing the next song, Jeff Chang's "From the Beginning Until Now".

I silently repeated the title to myself, from the beginning until now, from the beginning until now, until finally I reached into the deepest part of the drawer and pulled it out. It was a thick, green notebook, its cover somewhat tattered, its pages worn and old. Could this notebook record all the little things between Xu Lie and me, from the very beginning until now? Soft, melancholic music drifted into my ears as the old pages were turned…

If this is the best ending, why can't I forget you? Time has changed us; we've said goodbye to innocence...

May 18, 2007: Cloudy with rain.

Xu Lie held me on the balcony as we watched the rain. The rain was heavy, pouring down and forming puddles. Raindrops were blown onto my face by the wind. I leaned against Xu Lie's warm embrace, but I thought of the arid desert and the haggard man in the blue robe with silver hair.

I just abandoned him like that, leaving him alone in the vast desert. How despicable, how cowardly, how shameless I was...

Xu Lie lifted my face and asked what I was thinking. I couldn't say anything, I could only hug him and kiss his lips, using his warmth to warm my cold heart.

Xu Lie held me tightly in a deep kiss, then carried me into the house… I knew he was so engrossed that he didn't hear what I said. But I heard it clearly—a familiar voice, a desperate tone: "Xu Lie, you are my only hope, my only light…"

If even a reunion cannot continue, then loss is eternal. My earnestness is a punishment for my naivety...

Sunny on May 20, 2007

The desert is terrifying—endless yellow sand, scorching sun, no water, no human habitation. But how can I run away any longer?

The moment the scalding blood flowed into my throat, I knew I couldn't let go. If I let Yihan die in the desert like this, I would never forgive myself for the rest of my life.

Xu Lie is angry. He always looks at me with that questioning gaze, silently asking why I'm distancing myself from him. But how can I tell him?

I felt like I was about to break down. I kept telling myself that the desert was almost over, so I should just bear it, just bear it a little longer. After the hardship, there would be the deepest happiness for Xu Lie and me. It must be...yes.

Am I destined to live my life like this, never kissing the one I love most?

I've been waiting for you since the beginning, and now it's all come to nothing...

Sunny on May 23, 2007

I can almost see Xu Lie's furious face from last night every time I close my eyes. I think I really hurt him. The humiliation, the defeat, even what he saw as betrayal, must have made him hate me to the core. I know perfectly well that Xu Lie is such a proud person!

I felt a pang of heartache; my love and pity for him seemed to seep into my very bones, overflowing from my being. So, under Xu's mother's guidance, I made Xu Lie's favorite pastries, infusing my feelings and apology into each one, and gave them to him.

Then I told him it was all over. Yihan woke up, my inner demons disappeared, and we would never have any more estrangement from each other again.

Xu Lie, I love you, I love you so much. I practiced what I was going to say in my heart over and over again, and a smile slowly returned to my tired eyes. I thought, he will forgive me.

Because he promised to give me a lifetime of happiness, didn't he?

Love can be transferred to someone else, but fate has decreed that I cannot keep the one I love.

I can't... How could I possibly admit that you're someone I shouldn't love...

I gently stroked the ink marks on the paper, etched deep from the heavy strokes, again and again, as if touching a distant, bleak memory. Those were the darkest days of my life—guilt, fear, despair, panic… Every day I opened my eyes to nothing but a sea of yellow sand. I teetered on the brink of collapse, thinking it was the lowest point of my life, unaware that the real nightmare had only just begun.

The more I thought, the more my thoughts drifted, and long-buried memories surged up. The indifferent Xu Lie, the gentle Xu Lie, the furious Xu Lie… each face was so vivid and clear, as if they were right before my eyes. Yet in the end, they were all replaced by that lifeless face.

Xu Lie is dead. This man who left an indelible mark on my life is dead.

He did everything he could to maintain the thin thread of our connection, using any means necessary to keep me by his side, and in the end, he even went so far as to use his death to leave a scar on my heart.

Xu Lie, Xu Lie... How could you do this? You made me make promises I couldn't possibly bear, you tore my heart in two time and time again to try and keep you. But every time, every single time, you still ended up saying goodbye to me in such a cruel way.

Xu Lie, how could you be so cruel to me, to your parents? How could you...

What proof can I offer that I never thought loving someone required such cruelty to prove the depth of my love...

I clenched my fists tightly, my body trembling uncontrollably. I could only slowly sit down on the soft carpet, leaning against the edge of the bed by the desk. I pursed my lips and listened quietly to the music that poured out my sorrow. My fingers traced the last page of the diary again. I sighed deeply and was about to close it when I suddenly felt a strange sensation on my fingertips.

I looked down and, in the bright sunlight, saw the slightly yellowed white paper. The writing was still clear, except for the last line, which was blurred. The words "a lifetime of happiness," in particular, seemed to have been soaked in water and dissolved, becoming faint and indistinct. My fingers no longer felt the distinct texture of the paper, but rather a slightly rough, wrinkled feel.

I was slightly taken aback; this feeling was somewhat like… tear stains. But I clearly didn't cry that day, and I didn't cry today either.