Ein wandernder Jugendlicher

Kapitel 16

February 21

When I woke up this morning, my eyelids were still heavy. I hadn't slept well all night, but I didn't dare to go back to sleep because I was afraid of having nightmares. My experience tells me that it's easiest to dream in the early morning.

I got up. My windowpane was covered in condensation. It was cold and damp last night, and the condensation was like frost covering the glass. When I was little, I used to love writing and drawing on condensed glass. But now, I saw several large, very conspicuous words in the condensation on the windowpane: "Give me back my head."

Who wrote this? Looking closer, I'm certain it was written indoors, perhaps last night. But who is she? Is it really Xiangxiang? I began to have doubts.

I sat down, took a sip of water, calmed down a bit, and began to recall everything I had seen last night.

I carefully considered the strange things that happened last night, and like Ye Xiao, I began to deduce and reason: First, why did all the lights in my room suddenly go out and then suddenly come back on last night? I checked the lights and the circuitry again, and there were no problems. The main power supply was also correct. My computer doesn't have a UPS, so it definitely wouldn't turn on if there was a power outage, but last night only the computer was emitting a gray light. I went outside and asked the neighbors next door, and they said they played mahjong all night and there was absolutely no power outage. So, there's definitely nothing wrong with my system. The problem must lie with the Tomb Ghost. I've read some articles about using radio waves to cause malfunctions in household appliances. Perhaps the Tomb Ghost transmitted some electromagnetic signals along with its content, which entered my home's electrical system through my phone line, causing the lights in my room to go out. Maybe that's the only possibility.

Second: How could Xiangxiang suddenly appear in my room and then suddenly disappear? It's impossible that she opened my door beforehand, entered my room to hide, and then suddenly appeared and left, especially since her departure was so brief. I noticed I didn't touch her last night, which might be crucial. She initially stood behind me, then took a step forward, while I was initially in front of the computer and then stood up, meaning she was always facing the computer. With all the lights off, the gray light from the computer screen was the only source of light in the room. Without the computer's light, I wouldn't have seen her; I saw her only through the gray light of the screen. Therefore, perhaps what I saw wasn't her in person, but rather her image. Although she was face-to-face, I know that through the refraction of light and many other means, plus the fact that the computer screen itself might act like a projector in a movie theater—yes, movie theaters are completely dark except for the screen—it could create a sense of immersion, making one mistakenly believe they were seeing her in person.

Third: What did she mean by her last words—"Give me back my head"? The voice likely came from my speakers, so what did those words mean? Before entering the maze game, the words "She's in the underground palace" appeared, and I saw them many times afterward, for example, in the files of Duanmu Yiyun's studio. Perhaps these words were a hint, arousing curiosity to find out who she was and where the underground palace was, drawing people in. Last night, in the computer maze, I did indeed enter the underground palace, opened the coffin, and saw that eye—just like the feeling I had after being hypnotized by Dr. Mo. Then, there was Xiangxiang's shadow, and Xiangxiang said to me, "Give me back my head." I'm certain this isn't her voice, at least not the Xiangxiang or Rose I've encountered before. Could there be another woman? I can't figure it out. And what does "Give me back my head" mean? In the classical Chinese novels I've read, the phrase often uttered by the ghosts of those who have been beheaded is "Give me back my head!"—mostly seeking revenge against their enemies. Did I have a grudge against her? Wasn't her head perfectly fine? Perhaps—I can't understand.

I looked up again, took a deep breath, and glanced out the window. The sun had already risen, and sunlight shone on the glass. The moisture that had condensed last night had almost melted away, turning into streams of water that slid down.

"Give me back my head."

The four characters on the glass blurred, turning into water, like a stream embedded in the glass. However, I think they looked more like tears sliding down a cheek, robbed of their life by the sunlight.

Perhaps these four words are another hint, hoping that the person who sees them will do something. "Give me back my head"—grammatically, it's an imperative sentence—that's roughly the meaning. Yes, maybe that's what she asked of me; she wanted me to do this for her. And those who committed suicide must have seen these four words. Perhaps Lin Shu saw them on the eve of the winter solstice, and perhaps he also saw Xiangxiang's shadow. He, Xiangxiang, and I were classmates; he must have been very surprised, completely bewildered, and thus felt terrified, which is why he emailed me. And once he failed to do this for her, or felt that he could never do it, he committed suicide in despair? The same goes for others; perhaps that's the reason.

I hope I'm not mistaken.

Assuming my previous guesses are correct, her wanting my head back means she's lost it and wants it back. I know it's ridiculous—who searches the world for their own head?—but it's the only reason I can understand it. How could she have lost her head? It's too bizarre. I don't have time to worry about that right now. My most important thing is to fulfill her wish and help her find her head. If I can't, maybe I'll end up like those people who commit suicide? That fear has returned.

Can I do it?

I shook my head. To be honest, finding her head was something even she couldn't do, let alone us ordinary mortals. I was simply dreaming. Was I really doomed? Perhaps in some moment of despair not long after, I would jump off this building, just like Lin Shu, adding another unexplained suicide to the police records.

I don't want to die.

I thought of Xiangxiang again. Was it really her? If so, how could I explain "Give me back my head"? I found myself unable to justify my actions. I was plunged into anguish once more. I realized that Xiangxiang was the key. Xiangxiang was indeed dead. She had died when I was eighteen. It was absolutely true. The dead cannot be brought back to life. This was an undeniable truth.

Let's start with Xiangxiang.

I went to find Xiangxiang's parents.

In the past, my classmates and I often visited each other's homes. Fortunately, I still remember Xiangxiang's house. Xiangxiang's family was well-off; their house was large, located in a thirty-story building in the city center. I knocked on her door, and her father opened it for me. He didn't recognize me, even though he had seen me before. I told him I was Xiangxiang's former classmate, and he was very welcoming, pouring me a cup of coffee.

I didn't drink. I carefully observed Xiangxiang's father. He looked much older than before. He should only be fifty years old, but his hair had turned much whiter, making him look like he was sixty. He had a pair of melancholy eyes. Perhaps he had never recovered from the grief of losing his daughter in middle age. I said directly, "I'm sorry, I came here because I saw Xiangxiang."

He shook his head and said calmly, "You've mistaken me for someone else. There are many people in this world who look exactly alike."

"And what about that natural fragrance?"

He seemed to tremble slightly, and his voice changed: "Don't mention these things, they're all in the past."

"I'm sorry, but I have to bring this up today because it may concern the lives of many people."

"What did you say?"

“Uncle, please try to recall carefully what happened after Xiangxiang’s accident? I know you don’t want to recall that painful period, but it’s very important to me now, very important.”

"Really? Let me think about it." He frowned, then said hesitantly, "Nothing happened. Finish your coffee and go home."

He seemed to be avoiding something. My intuition told me he might be lying, but he didn't seem like the type to lie easily, because he never looked me in the eye when he said those things. Because he was afraid.

I decided to take the risk: "Uncle, I was with Xiangxiang a few days ago, and she told me everything. Please don't hide it from me anymore. Trust me, this is a very important matter."

"Stop talking, please spare me." The fifty-year-old man lowered his head in front of me, his hair trembling. I knew he was also a vulnerable person.

"Please tell me, and perhaps you will save many lives."

He raised his head, his eyes wide as he stared at me, then calmed down and slowly said, "This matter, this seemingly unbelievable matter, I resolved to keep it buried in my heart forever, never to tell anyone. Because even if I did, no one would believe me." He paused again.

"I believe you," I urged.

He nodded and continued, “That summer, when Xiangxiang’s mother and I heard your call from Jiangsu telling us about Xiangxiang’s tragic death, we could hardly believe it was true. We rushed there immediately. When we saw Xiangxiang’s body, I was devastated. Xiangxiang was our only child; we raised her for eighteen years. She was beautiful, lovely, and intelligent; she was our only hope. But she died just like that. I felt like a part of my life was missing. According to regulations, Xiangxiang should be cremated locally, so we took her to the local funeral home and stayed in a hotel there to prepare for the memorial service the next day. The night before the memorial service, someone came to our room. He asked us if we wanted our daughter back. I said of course we did, but it was impossible. However, he said he could bring Xiangxiang back to life. I thought he was crazy, but he insisted that he could bring my daughter back to us, on the condition that we keep it a secret and absolutely no one else knows. Then…” He left. I found this person inexplicable. I'm a university professor teaching biology, and I absolutely didn't believe what he said. But strangely, deep down, I vaguely hoped he was telling the truth, because we loved Xiangxiang so much. We would do anything for Xiangxiang. At the memorial service, we saw Xiangxiang one last time. She lay quietly in the glass coffin, seemingly asleep. I really hoped she was just asleep. After the memorial service, Xiangxiang's mother and I went into the cremation room to send Xiangxiang off on her final journey. To our surprise, the cremator here was the same person who had come to our room last night saying he could bring Xiangxiang back to life. He smiled at us and then asked us to leave. I disagreed, insisting on watching Xiangxiang leave us. However, Xiangxiang's mother softened and agreed to the cremator's request. In the end, I didn't insist either and left the cremation room. An hour later, the cremator came out carrying Xiangxiang's ashes. I doubted if these were really Xiangxiang's ashes. He said... It was definitely Xiangxiang's ashes. He also assured us that Xiangxiang would return to us in three days, and that we should stay in the hotel for those three days. Back at the hotel, I didn't believe him and decided to go home, to leave this place of sorrow. However, when I reached the long-distance bus station, I turned back. I don't know why, but I returned to the hotel. Perhaps it was because we missed Xiangxiang so much that we lost our rationality and still clung to the illusion that Xiangxiang's death was just an unreal nightmare. In our doubt, we spent three days in the hotel. One night on the third day, as we were packing to go home in disappointment, someone knocked on the door. I opened the door, and instantly, I was stunned. Standing before me was Xiangxiang. Yes, it was definitely her. I immediately recognized her natural fragrance; no one could impersonate her. It was definitely Xiangxiang. My mother and I immediately hugged her, and we all cried, except for Xiangxiang. She seemed to know nothing of what had happened, only that she had been swimming in the pond and then came ashore. She came directly to our hotel. She was still wearing the clothes she wore when the accident happened, acting as if nothing had happened, complaining that she was hungry. So we gave her a lot of food, and she returned to Shanghai that night. We didn't dare tell anyone about what happened, and we didn't even dare let Xiangxiang stay with us, lest others see it. We rented a place for her outside, had her change her name, and supported her through university. However, she changed a lot. Perhaps because we lived separately, she became very cold towards her parents. She used to love singing and dancing and was very outgoing, but after starting university, she became introverted, liked reading incomprehensible books, and talked about very abstract things about life and philosophy. In short, she was very different from before, even though her appearance and voice hadn't changed at all. After her second year of university, she didn't go home during winter and summer vacations, renting a place somewhere. A year ago, her mother died of cancer, and she didn't even go home to see her mother one last time. After she graduated from university, she lost contact with me, and my daughter and I never saw each other again.

"This might be a mistake," I said to myself.

He sighed deeply: "Yes, at first, although I couldn't understand it, I felt it was a miracle, and I needed this miracle. But later, when I noticed the changes in Xiangxiang, I began to re-evaluate everything that had happened. Perhaps it would have been better for Xiangxiang to lie peacefully on the ground. Although it was a tragedy, it was something that had already happened. Trying to artificially change the outcome would be punished. Maybe it really was a mistake."

"So what about the cremator? What's he like?"

"He was about my age, nothing special, except that he spoke in a mysterious way."

"You didn't go to see him afterward?"

"No, I originally intended to go and thank him in person, but I didn't end up going because I couldn't understand why that person would do this for us without receiving a single penny in return. Because I had so many questions, and because I always had a feeling of fear towards this person, I never went to see him."

"Thank you, Uncle. Is there anything else?"

"No, I've told you everything I know. It makes me feel better. I've already broken the promise I made to that person by telling you all this. Young man, can you tell me, is Xiangxiang alright now?"

“She’s fine, everything’s alright, don’t worry about her, maybe she’ll be back with you soon.” I didn’t want to tell this poor father those terrible things.

"That puts my mind at ease. Also, you said earlier that these matters concern many people's lives, is that true? Did Xiangxiang do something terrible?"

"I don't know." I refused to answer.

"No, I understand. It was a mistake. Xiangxiang is dead. She shouldn't have come back. She shouldn't have. I knew this was bound to cause trouble sooner or later because it violated the laws of nature and would inevitably be punished by them." He choked up a little.

I didn't want to cause him any more pain, so I quickly said goodbye.

I need to find that cremator.

February 22nd

The bus had crossed the Yangtze River. In the distance, everything was a vast expanse of white, a gray expanse of water and sky, with no land in sight. The wind was strong; I could see the crew members outside the window being blown about. I sat by the window, staring at the surging waves of the Yangtze River estuary. This was a long-distance bus heading to northern Jiangsu, currently docked at a car ferry crossing the Yangtze.

Beside me was Ye Xiao, who still wore a melancholy expression. He continued rambling on, "You shouldn't have ignored my advice and gone to the Ancient Tomb of the Ghosts. I don't want to lose you. Do you know how many people have met with misfortune recently?"

"I have absolutely no regrets."

"Stop talking. Do you think I'm here to help you? I've already told you, I'm determined to withdraw and don't want to get involved in this anymore. To hell with the Tomb of Ghosts, it has nothing to do with me." He got a little angry and his voice was loud, attracting the attention of many people in the carriage.

"Then why did you come with me?"

“Because of your mother, I saw her a few days ago. She said that you haven't been back recently, and she and your father are very worried about you. They seem to have noticed something is wrong. Your mother repeatedly told me to take good care of you. You are their only son, and they can't lose you, you know? Even if you don't think about yourself, you have to think about your parents. I grew up in your family, and your mother treats me like her own son. I can't refuse her. So, I have to come with you.”

I remained silent for a long time, and then I told Ye Xiao everything about Xiangxiang. I talked for a long time, telling him every detail, including what happened at Xiangxiang's house that night. The ferry landed, and the car continued to speed across the plains of northern Jiangsu. Several hours later, we finally arrived at the county town where Xiangxiang's accident happened.

Arriving in this small county town, I found that it had changed a lot, but the general appearance remained the same, which stirred up a lot of emotions within me. If Xiangxiang and I had stayed at home obediently when we were eighteen and endured that sweltering heat, none of these mistakes would have happened.

Ye Xiao and I went straight to the local funeral home.

I've always felt that funeral homes are very important places in life. Hospital delivery rooms are where people come into this world, while crematorium furnaces are where people leave. When we entered the funeral home, we were enveloped in a desolate atmosphere. The place wasn't big, and I soon saw the small hall where Xiangxiang's memorial service was held. At that moment, I thought it was the last time I would see her, and I cried very hard, more than I had ever cried before.

We found the person in charge here. As usual, Ye Xiao showed his work ID and explained why we were there. So, we checked the duty log for the day Xiangxiang was cremated. The log listed the name of the crematorium worker who worked that day as Qi Hongli.

"That's a strange name. Can we find him now?" I asked hurriedly.

The person in charge replied, "Qi Hongli suddenly went blind a year ago and went home, but I can tell you his current address."

I took the address he copied down and was about to leave when Ye Xiao stopped me: "Wait." Then he said to the person in charge, "Excuse me, may I see Qi Hongli's personnel file here?"

"Yes, but he's blind, so he couldn't possibly have committed a crime."

"We didn't say he broke the law, we're just investigating."

We found Qi Hongli's name in the personnel file at the funeral home—Gender: Male. Date of Birth: January 15, 1950. Place of Origin: Huzhou, Zhejiang. Marital Status: Single.

The resume only states: "I have been working in the crematorium of the county funeral home since 1972."

"Why is your resume completely blank before you start working? That's not in accordance with regulations," Ye Xiao asked.

"Well, I don't know. I heard from the older staff here that Qi Hongli came here during the Cultural Revolution. The social situation was very chaotic at the time, and there were many homeless people from all over the country here. He was one of them, but he was different from the others because he spoke with a Shanghai accent. He was the only homeless person from Shanghai. Because of this, the old director took pity on him and agreed to let him work here as a temporary worker, doing the dirtiest and most tiring crematorium work. Later, as time went on, he worked very hard and never made a mistake, so he was made a permanent employee."

"He's a homeless person. What will happen to his household registration after he gets a permanent job?"

“During the Cultural Revolution, everything was in chaos. Later, he registered his own household. At that time, the police station was engaged in class struggle every day, so who cared about such trivial matters? They just registered him and he was considered one of our people.”

"It's strange, why doesn't he go back to Shanghai and instead stays here?" I asked, puzzled.

"Yes, he's always been a strange person. He rarely talks, has almost no friends here, and has never married. Some people suspect that he committed a crime during the Cultural Revolution and fled here to lay low, but there's no evidence. Although he has a strange personality, he's probably a good person. He's always been very diligent at work and hasn't done anything wrong. A year ago, he suddenly went blind, and they couldn't find the cause. Maybe he really did do something bad and got his comeuppance."

Thank you.

Ye Xiao and I left the funeral home and found the place by following the address of Qi Hongli that the person in charge had given us.

This is a small, inconspicuous house in a corner of a small county town. It's low, damp, and dark, and as soon as we entered, we were hit with an unpleasant smell.

The man was right in front of us, a middle-aged man of about fifty, of medium height, with an unremarkable face and wide-open eyes that were devoid of any spirit, staring straight ahead. He was indeed blind.

"Are you Qi Hongli?"

"Two young men, what do you want with me?"

He actually recognized the voices of two young people. It wasn't surprising that Ye Xiao's voice could be recognized, but I hadn't even spoken yet. I observed him carefully for a moment, then said softly, "Four years ago, you did something."

"What is it? The only thing I do is burn corpses."

“You cremated a girl, and then you brought her back to her parents. That’s what I’m here for.”

"I don't understand."

He was really tight-lipped, so I decided to brag a little and take a risk. I suddenly shouted, "I'm that girl's brother! Stop hiding it. Do you really have to see her before you'll tell the truth?" I glanced at Ye Xiao, who secretly gave me a thumbs-up.

"Are you really her brother?"

"Of course, they are siblings born to the same parents."

"You're lying. Your voice tells me you're lying. Trust the hearing of a blind man."

I was startled and took a step back, trying to remain calm, but I couldn't speak. Ye Xiao gestured to me, then he moved closer to Qi Hongli and asked in Shanghainese, "Where were you 72 years ago?"

Qi Hongli was clearly taken aback, his expression changed, and then he stammered, "What did you say? I don't understand."

"Stop pretending. You're clearly from Shanghai. Why didn't you come back after the Cultural Revolution ended? Why did you register your household here without permission? Why is everything before 1972 blank on your resume?" Ye Xiao's words were aggressive.

Who exactly are you?

"You don't need to know who I am. The question is, who are you? Qi Hongli? That's a very strange name. What's your real name?"

"How much do you know?" His answer was somewhat flustered.

"That depends on you. Let me tell you, this isn't just about a few of us; it involves many, many people. I don't think you're the kind of person who would plot against others." Ye Xiao looked at him, then nodded, and continued, "Trust us. We're not here to cause you trouble. We're here for the truth, because the truth is of utmost importance."

Qi Hongli didn't answer. His lifeless eyes blinked a few times, and finally he said softly, "Tell me, how many people have died?"

This was the breakthrough point, and Ye Xiao immediately replied, "Many, at least dozens already, and in a few days, there may be even more. We are racing against time, and we will save as many people as we can. Go ahead and tell me."

“Now, there’s no need for me to hide it anymore. I’m completely blind, so I don’t have to worry about seeing those terrible things anymore. My real name is Li Hongqi. Qi Hong Li read backwards is Li Hongqi. In 1966, I graduated from Nanhu Middle School and joined the Red Guards. There was a black building in our area, and we occupied that unit.”