Ein wandernder Jugendlicher

Kapitel 12

On the white wall, I saw lines of large, crooked characters written in paint: "Sailing the seas depends on the helmsman, making revolution depends on Mao Zedong Thought," "Long live Chairman Mao, may Vice Chairman Lin be healthy forever," "Down with Liu Shaoqi, the biggest capitalist roader and counter-revolutionary traitor," and "Long live the Red Guards."

What is this? How come the language of big-character posters, which was only used during the Cultural Revolution, is here? I'm completely confused.

"It's unbelievable. The only explanation is that someone must have been here during the Cultural Revolution."

Ye Xiao was right; there was no other possibility. The large characters read "May Vice Chairman Lin enjoy eternal health," indicating that the time must have been before the Lin Biao incident in 1971. As I was about to leave, I glanced at the broken glass coffin one last time, reached out, and touched the spot where the Empress had lain. My fingers felt a cool sensation that instantly seeped into my heart.

Back on the ground, we were finally able to breathe in some fresh air.

We found the person in charge again and asked about the situation here during the Cultural Revolution.

“Back then, none of us here knew the details. Why don’t you go find Old Dong in the gatehouse? He’s a retired employee who has worked here for over forty years, including during the Cultural Revolution.”

The room was very dark, and an old man in his sixties was sitting inside listening to an old-fashioned radio.

"Master Dong".

"Who are you?" the old man asked, looking at us with suspicion.

"I'm from the Public Security Bureau." Ye Xiao took out his work ID. "Sir, we'd like to ask about the situation here during the Cultural Revolution."

The old man lowered his head and didn't answer. After a long while, he finally managed to squeeze out a few words: "Why bring up things from the past?"

"It is indeed a thing of the past, but the past is related to the present, and it is a matter of life and death," Ye Xiao said, emphasizing each word.

The old man looked at us and finally spoke: "That was the first year of the Cultural Revolution. Red Guards were everywhere. Since our unit was a public institution with many intellectuals, a group of Red Guards took over our unit. They held criticism meetings and made revolutionary fervor every day. They occupied almost all the rooms, and most of our employees were driven out, leaving only me. These kids were really something. They said they would write Chairman Mao's quotations in every room here to commemorate it forever. And they did just that, even going to the men's and women's toilets. In the end, they only left the basement. They ordered me to open the door. I found the key, opened the basement door, and they went down. I waited outside. I waited outside for a whole day, but they didn't come out. I didn't dare go down alone, so I had to leave and go out to avoid trouble. A month later, I came back, and there was no one left. Only then did I lock the basement door."

"Master, do you know which school these Red Guards came from?"

"It's the nearby Nanhu Middle School."

"Thank you so much, sir." We left.

As I stepped out the gate, I glanced back at the building; its black exterior seemed to fill my vision. I asked Ye Xiao, "Do you think the Red Guards are connected to the Empress's remains?"

“I don’t know. If the Empress’s body had been moved long ago, then these Red Guards wouldn’t have seen anything and it would have been none of their business. But if the Empress’s body has been kept in the basement, then the situation is very complicated.”

"I hope the old man isn't mistaken." I quickened my pace.

February 14th

If you receive a call from a girl on Valentine's Day, and she invites you out, and more importantly, she's beautiful, then you're incredibly lucky and happy. Today, I received a call from Rose; she asked me out.

As night fell, a crescent moon climbed into the night sky. "The moon rises above the willow branches, lovers meet after dusk," and almost every boy on Huaihai Road held a bouquet of flowers. A flower girl of about thirteen or fourteen passed by me. I looked at the bouquet of roses in her hand; it would be most suitable for Rose. But I hesitated for a moment and ultimately didn't buy any. I suddenly thought of Huang Yun; the shadow of the dead often lingers more than the living.

At the entrance of Jifeng Bookstore inside Shaanxi South Road subway station, Rose, dressed in white, waved to me. Feeling a little embarrassed that my hands were empty, I grinned at her. We exited the subway and headed east.

"Where to, Rose?" I asked her.

"Let's just wander around. I like to wander around," she said to me with a smile.

After walking a few steps, I suddenly remembered something. I knew I shouldn't say this today, but I had to tell her: "Dr. Mo has had an accident, do you know that?"

"I already know."

"Oh, so have you found a job yet?"

"I'm currently applying for a job at an internet company, working on computer programming. I don't know if they'll hire me."

"Then I wish you success."

"Thanks."

At the entrance of the Cathay Cinema, I saw the little flower girl again. Rose bought a bouquet of white roses from her. I really regretted not buying any earlier; now it was Rose's turn to buy flowers herself.

"I like roses." Rose placed the rose in my hand.

I thought she just wanted me to hold it for her, but she said, "It's for you."

"For me?"

She blinked and smiled at me.

Is it an implication?

I immediately dismissed the idea; men are always delusional. All fantasies were pointless, I told myself silently. Everyone walking past us was in couples, whispering sweet nothings, while I always kept about twenty centimeters between us. Several couples even walked right between us, so Rose deliberately leaned closer. The wind was strong that night, and her long hair was blown by the wind, brushing against my cheek. I smelled that familiar fragrance again.

I finally couldn't resist and gently asked her, "ROSE, what brand of perfume do you use?"

"Perfume? I don't use perfume."

"That--"

"Are you talking about the fragrance on my body? I've had this fragrance since I was born. The doctor said I might have some kind of genetic disease. Hehe, it must be so wonderful to have such a disease."

I fell silent. My heart was filled with the image of another person, not Rose, nor Huang Yun. The person from many years ago, yet that scent still haunted me. I lowered my head.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked me.

"I'm fine." We arrived at Fairy Forest. I was tired from walking, so Rose and I went into Fairy Forest. There were many couples and it was very crowded. We finally found two empty seats and sat on chairs that were suspended by ropes to drink milk tea.

I stared at her.

"Why are you looking at me like that? It's kind of scary, haha." She moved her face closer to mine. "Do I have pimples on my face?"

"No, no. I was just thinking about something."

"What are you thinking about? Tell me."

"Some things that have happened recently."

"What happened? Does it concern me?"

“ROSE, this has nothing to do with you. These things are terrible, and you'd better not know.” I was determined not to involve her in my affairs. “Let’s talk about something else. Like—your past.”

"I'm just an ordinary girl, like all the other girls here." She looked around at the people around her.

"What about your parents? Don't they live with you?"

“They’ve all passed away,” she said softly.

"I'm sorry." I said the wrong thing again.

“It doesn’t matter. Dying a little earlier or a little later doesn’t really make a difference. As long as there’s no pain, a twenty-year life or a seventy-year life is the same. Some people live very, very long lives, but there’s really nothing to be thankful for, because their suffering must have been very, very long as well. If a baby dies before it even has a chance to cry, perhaps it’s not such a bad thing for the baby itself. Hehe, you probably won’t understand.” She took a sip of tea and rocked her chair, the rope swinging back and forth like a Korean woman’s swing.

"ROSE, keep going."

"You really want to hear this? Then I'll tell you my feelings. Human life isn't measured by time, you know? A person who dies at twenty isn't necessarily shorter-lived than someone who dies at seventy. In a sense, life can be extended infinitely. For example, in my heart, my parents live on forever. I can always feel that they are alive. In that sense, they are still alive. But this is only a very small aspect. A larger aspect is existing independently, detached from other people's feelings. Because time, in the eyes of ordinary people, is a straight line, but from a cosmological perspective, time can be distorted, and space can also be distorted, like a black hole. Don't think that black holes are things that are very far away from us. Maybe, a black hole is right next to us. Maybe in your eyes, I am a black hole, haha, just kidding."

I scratched my head and said, "I don't understand, Rose. Aren't you a computer science student? Why are you talking about physics again?"

“This isn’t physics, it’s philosophy. In college, besides my computer science major, I also took many philosophy courses. I’m quite interested in topics like time and space. Anyway, I’m not going to talk about it anymore.” She started shaking her head again. Her face moved closer and closer to me, sometimes clear, sometimes blurry, and I suddenly felt sleepy. So I rested my head on the table, looking at the night view outside the window. Many men and women were still moving under the neon lights, and seeing them made me feel even more tired. Rose’s face was reflected in the glass; she was still swinging like a pendulum. The frequency of her swings was extremely even, and my eyelids involuntarily followed her movements. When she moved closer, my eyelids opened; when she moved back, my eyelids closed. So my eyelids also moved like a pendulum, only her eyes continued to flicker, and gradually, all I could see were her eyes.

My consciousness gradually faded, and I remained like this for a long time, my eyelids opening and closing. I seemed to see Rose reach out her hand, and she gently asked me, "Are you sick?" Then, she stood up and helped me up. My feet followed her movements, and she helped me out of the Fairy Forest, hailed a taxi, and asked me, "Where do you live?"

I think I answered her, and then the taxi took me away. She sat next to me, her hair brushing against my face, the tips of her hair pricking my eye, but I didn't cry out. My eyes were numb, my nose was numb, because of her scent. The taxi stopped, and she helped me out of the taxi, then helped me upstairs. I instinctively reached into my pocket for my keys and opened the door. She helped me inside, laid me on the bed, covered me with a blanket, and then left without a sound. My eyelids were still opening and closing, swinging like a pendulum. In the interplay of light and dark, she closed the door behind her and disappeared.

I finally closed my eyes.

February 15th

When I woke up in the morning, I found myself lying in bed wearing my coat, clutching a bunch of white roses in my hand. I looked a bit ridiculous. I got up and took a shower before I gradually came to my senses.

I don't have a vase at home, so I could only put the roses in the teacup I usually use to hold my toothbrush, which gave it a somewhat postmodern feel.

I carefully recalled every detail of last night, thinking about Rose's face and her scent. That scent stimulated my olfactory organs, making me start to recall another girl through my nose.

It smells good.

I call her Xiangxiang.

Rose's face looks exactly like hers.

From the moment I first saw Rose, I was reminded of Xiangxiang, her face, and her scent.

I call her Xiangxiang because she has a natural fragrance that emanates from her body.

I swear I can tell Xiangxiang apart from ten thousand people with my own nose.

But that's impossible now, because Xiangxiang is dead.

She was only eighteen years old when she died.

I miss her.

That summer, a hot and dry summer, the subtropical high pressure system dominated our city, and even sitting at home, you would break out in a sweat. Xiangxiang was my classmate, and there were about a dozen other people in our class. Except for Lin Shu, we all signed up for a three-day camping trip to a seaside town in Jiangsu, which was said to be very cool.

After a five-hour bus and ferry ride, we arrived at a vast expanse of reeds. There were large ponds and marshes, covered with tall, green reeds, stretching for thousands of acres. Once you hid somewhere within them, the dense reeds were enough to conceal you completely; no one could find you. We set up camp in a dry clearing in the middle of the reeds, erecting two large tents, one for the boys and one for the girls. Those who could swim jumped into the clear ponds, while those of us who couldn't swim, like myself, fished for lobsters. Actually, these weren't real lobsters, just a common local crustacean. In the evening, we cleaned the lobsters and cooked them in our own pot; the taste was better than any seafood in a restaurant.

Nothing happened on the first night.

The following night, I tossed and turned in my tent, unable to sleep, so I crawled out. A green breeze wafted from the depths of the green reeds, leading me into one of them. I took off my shoes and walked barefoot through the mud, the tips of the reeds brushing against my cheeks as I passed through the curtain-like canopy of leaves. I felt as if I had become invisible, completely swallowed by the reeds. I looked up and saw a small patch of deep blue sky peeking out from among the swaying reed tips, a crystal-clear deep blue, without a single flaw, and in the center of this deep blue crystal was a round moon.

I continued walking along a small river through the reeds, parting the dense reeds, passing through a very narrow tributary, and turning several bends before finally reaching a more secluded pond surrounded by layers of reeds. Suddenly, I heard a strange sound of water, and in the moonlight, I saw a person in the water.

At the same time, I smelled a fragrance emanating from the water.

I observed her discreetly. It was a woman, only her head and bare shoulders visible. I didn't know if she was swimming or bathing. I tried to control my rapid breathing, hiding among the reeds. Her long hair was spread out in the clean water, her limbs outstretched. After a long time, until I was almost numb from standing, she slowly came ashore. First, I saw her bare back, her two small shoulder blades supporting a strange geometric shape. Then, her waist, thighs, and her entire body were exposed on the riverbank like a freshly peeled lobster. Her figure resembled two spindles joined together. Her water-covered skin reflected a soft golden light from the moonlight.

I finally saw her face clearly.

—Xiangxiang.

Although she was only eighteen years old, her face and body looked like those of a woman in her early twenties.

She put on her clothes, completely concealing all the temptation. Then she softly said, "Come out."

Hiding in the reeds, my face felt like it was burning. I hesitated for a while, unsure of what to do, before slowly emerging. I didn't know what to say. My heart was pounding. I was afraid she might report me, accusing me of having some ulterior motive.

"I'm sorry, I just got here and haven't seen anything." I tried to explain, but it only made things worse; it was like I was trying to cover something up.

"You saw it. You saw everything." Xiangxiang moved closer to me, and my nostrils were filled with her scent.

"I didn't mean to." I took a step back.

"Don't be afraid." She suddenly laughed, her laughter echoing in the night sky and striking the reeds swaying in the wind. I could almost hear some kind of echo.

"Xiangxiang, you really won't report me?"

“What are you thinking? Of course you didn’t mean it. You’re not that kind of person.” Xiangxiang sat barefoot on a clean patch of ground and said to me, “Come on, sit down too.”

I hesitated for a moment, but still sat down in front of her without saying a word.

"Say something," she urged me.

“I—” I’ve always been bad with words, but sitting in front of her, with her fragrance filling my nostrils, I almost became a wooden doll.