As Lu Ni walked towards the "Bamboo Garden" that evening, the September weather remained sweltering, like a sauna, offering no respite. Even though it was late, the temperature showed no sign of dropping, and there wasn't a breath of wind. Lu Ni's sweat clung stickily to her body; after a while, she no longer felt particularly uncomfortable.
Upon entering Xiao Wen's home, a cool breeze gently soothed Hu Ni's heat and tension. Hu Ni was once again in this familiar environment, filled with the familiar smells of turpentine and cigarette smoke.
Hu Ni looked at Xiao Wen, her long eyelashes trembling with unease.
Xiao Wen pointed to the sofa with a gloomy face and said, "Sit!"
Hu Ni sat on the sofa, waiting for Xiao Wen to continue.
Xiao Wen handed Hu Ni a glass of ice water and said, "Drink some water." Then he sat down in the chair opposite her. He took out a cigarette, lit it, and slowly inhaled, the smoke spreading between his slender fingers.
Hu Ni became even more uneasy, sat up straight on the sofa, and asked, "Did Teacher Xiao want to see me about something?"
Xiao Wen didn't rush to answer, continuing to frown and sullenly smoke. Time slipped by heavily, its passing audible. He was searching for the right words.
Xiao Wen spoke with difficulty, "Hu Ni, are you having financial difficulties?"
Hu Ni blushed; she hadn't expected Xiao Wen to ask such a question. Hu Ni shook her head, neither confirming nor denying.
Is what they're saying true?
Hu Ni lowered her head; she knew what Xiao Wen wanted to ask.
Xiao Wen's icy voice rang out, sending chills down one's spine: "Answer me! Hu Ni! Why did you do this!"
Hu Ni slowly raised her head. Xiao Wen knew; in his heart, she was utterly filthy. Hu Ni's quills stood erect, like a hedgehog trying to keep Xiao Wen at bay. Their spiritual connection was over. Hu Ni stood up and said coldly, "If there's nothing else, I'm leaving."
Hu Ni stiffened and walked toward the door. On the coffee table was a pot of blooming gerberas, some petals falling heavily to the ground, the crisp sound of them breaking clearly audible.
Xiao Wen remained seated, regretting his own concern and heartache. Let it go. A man in his forties can have a rational extramarital affair, but he cannot allow a relationship to escalate to the point of jeopardizing his family—that was his principle. He decided to give up; in truth, he had never intended to have it in the first place.
As Xiao Wen made his decision, he also stood up and quickly closed the door that Hu Ni had opened. Hu Ni stood there dejectedly in front of the door.
Then Hu Ni stubbornly opened the door. But Xiao Wen blocked it with one hand. Xiao Wen didn't know how to describe his heartache and disappointment. How could this pure and innocent woman, this woman who seemed untouched by worldly affairs, do such a thing? But he could have her now, because she was no longer unattainable, nor was she pure and innocent. This was undeniable; he even felt a secret sense of satisfaction.
Hu Ni turned her head and stubbornly looked at Xiao Wen, coldly staring at the man in front of her.
Xiao Wen's voice was urgent and angry: "Hu Ni, why did you do this?"
Hu Ni persevered. Why? Sad memories of the past flashed through Hu Ni's mind. Why? Just to survive.
Xiao Wen pulled Hu Ni into his arms. Hu Ni's resolve crumbled in his strong embrace; she turned and buried her face in Xiao Wen's warm chest. The carefully constructed isolation had collapsed. Nothing could stop them now; what was destined to happen would happen.
Xiao Wen embraced Hu Ni and sat down on the sofa. He asked in astonishment, "Hu Ni, tell me honestly, what exactly happened? You don't even know how to kiss, how could you..." Xiao Wen didn't finish his sentence, afraid of defiling the pure and innocent girl before him.
Hu Ni remained silent, unwilling to answer.
Looking at Xiao Wen, who was no longer young, a sudden surge of grievance welled up inside her. Tears streamed down her face, simply to seek comfort.
Xiao Wen indeed began to comfort the woman in his arms who was crying, coaxing Hu Ni like a child: "Don't cry! Don't cry anymore, okay!" He was extra gentle. Hu Ni leaned softly against Xiao Wen, feeling that the broken part of her heart was being miraculously soothed. In his warm embrace, there was the scent of a mature man, safe and reassuring, like the safety and reassurance of a father.
Xiao Wen began kissing Hu Ni, unable to resist, and impatient, this woman he had longed for for so long. His hands began to skillfully caress Hu Ni, the body he had yearned for. Hu Ni responded, bewildered and conflicted. It seemed that this was not what she wanted.
Xiao Wen picked up the woman in his arms and walked into the inner room. Then he placed Hu Ni on the bed.
Hu Ni waited blankly, but she actually longed to "grow up" in Xiao Wen's arms.
Xiao Wen removed Hu Ni's skirt, bra, and shorts. Then, gazing at Hu Ni with fascination, he murmured, "Hu Ni, do you know? You are a living Venus, you are more beautiful than Venus..."
Hu Ni was completely still, receiving Xiao Wen's gentle caresses and occasional rough treatment. Their bodies were already soaked with sweat.
The moment Xiao Wen entered, Hu Ni thought of Qiu Ping, that silhouette standing atop the mountain… Hu Ni's tears flowed. Xiao Wen paused and asked with concern, "What's wrong?" Sweat dripped from Xiao Wen's face onto Hu Ni's, his hair was also soaked. Hu Ni shook her head and ran her fingers through Xiao Wen's thick, sweat-dampened hair. The rhythmic creaking of the bed against the wall, clear and strong, echoed in Hu Ni's childhood nights. She closed her eyes.
After everything calmed down, he pressed his head against Hu Ni's neck and said, "Hu Ni, I'm sorry."
Hu Ni stared at the ceiling light, which resembled a black spiderweb covered in grease and soot. "Why?" she asked.
Xiao Wen raised his face and looked at Hu Ni. The close proximity made Hu Ni feel that Xiao Wen was no longer himself; at this moment, Xiao Wen was blurry and bloated. He said, "I can't give you a future."
Hu Ni shook her head and said softly, "I know."
Xiao Wen waited for Hu Ni to say something: something like, "I think this is fine," or "I don't want things to be like this in the future." These were the kinds of things the female students who came here had said; it would ease his mind. But Hu Ni remained silent. She pushed Xiao Wen away, slowly got up, put on her clothes, and walked out. Hu Ni's passion had faded; after the flowers bloomed, only desolation remained. Hu Ni realized that Xiao Wen couldn't completely save her. In his arms, she still felt her heart adrift, drifting towards that sorrowful past, towards that boy running on the desolate mountaintop in winter…
"Hu Ni!" Xiao Wen felt a deep, unsettling heartache. Hu Ni had become cold again, acting as if she wanted to keep everyone at arm's length. He went up to her and pulled her into his arms.
Hu Ni smiled and said, "I have to go back now, it's getting late."
"I'm not going back, I'll stay here!" Xiao Wen said firmly. He thought Hu Ni should be happy for him. No matter how much the girls who had come before tried to stay, Xiao Wen wouldn't let them stay overnight. He had to be mindful of his image. The art department was known for its numerous scandals; the teachers and students all had a carefree, irresponsible attitude. There was very little about Xiao Wen. He was a cautious person.
Hu Ni hesitated, wanting to say something, but Xiao Wen said firmly, "We're not going back, be good! Listen to me!" Hu Ni's heart melted once again, and she obediently let Xiao Wen pull her to the bedside.
"Hu Ni! You..." Xiao Wen looked at Hu Ni in surprise. In the dim light, there were scattered bright red bloodstains on the bed sheet.
Hu Ni looked at him quietly, so quietly that she seemed to freeze.
They changed the sheets and lay in bed together. Hu Ni couldn't sleep well; she wasn't used to having someone beside her.
The next day, Hu Ni woke up feeling sore all over. Xiao Wen also looked noticeably haggard. They had made love several times the night before, but no one had counted.
Hu Ni was preparing to leave, but heaven knows, she had already begun to cherish this man, with feelings that erupted like a flash flood, a feeling that could comfort the long-lost part of her heart.
Xiao Wen avoided that still innocent gaze.
Hu Ni had to get out of the door before everyone else got up. Xiao Wen peeked out first; there was no one there.
Just as Hu Ni was about to leave, Xiao Wen grabbed her hand and said, "Come back tonight."
Hu Ni hesitated, undecided.
Xiao Wen gently stroked Hu Ni's smooth face and whispered, "I'll wait for you!"
Hu Ni smiled, opened the door, and their fingers parted with difficulty before Hu Ni ran out. Xiao Wen heard footsteps coming downstairs until they disappeared. Then he closed the door, sat on the sofa, took out a cigarette, lit it, and slowly inhaled, his eyes half-closed.
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (Part 6)
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Hu Ni spent the day in a daze, feeling sleepy all day, her mind filled with fragmented memories of yesterday. She kept reliving everything that the middle-aged man, who gave her a fatherly feeling, had brought her yesterday.
After a hasty dinner, Hu Ni returned to her dormitory, took a cold shower in the bathroom, changed into a very simple light blue dress, and like a ghost, stood in front of Xiao Wen's dormitory again.
And so, Hu Ni lived in the darkness. Night was what she longed for; at night, her soul gasped for breath in the darkness, both joyful and painful. At night, she could grasp at a straw in the vast ocean and drift along with the current with a clear conscience, even if it led her to hell.
There was a knock on the door, and it opened. Hu Ni was quickly pulled inside by a hand, and then embraced tightly by a familiar embrace. Xiao Wen murmured in Hu Ni's ear, "Baby, I missed you so much!" Hu Ni closed her eyes and accepted Xiao Wen's kisses, the image of the boy running on the mountaintop flashing through her mind again. Opening her eyes, she felt that most of the passion in her heart had subsided. Xiao Wen, still in high spirits, pulled Hu Ni to sit down on the sofa. Several dishes were laid out on the coffee table: stir-fried lily bulbs with celery, steamed fish head with chopped chili peppers, chilled cucumber, and a pot of black chicken soup. The soup must have had medicinal herbs added; it had a strong medicinal smell, which Hu Ni had smelled as soon as she entered. These were dishes Xiao Wen had ordered from the restaurant outside.
Xiao Wen served Hu Ni and himself a bowl of soup. Seeing that Hu Ni hadn't touched her chopsticks, he said, "Eat up! Look at you, you're so thin and malnourished. You need to eat more so you can grow up healthy."
Hu Ni obediently took the bowl and began to eat. Xiao Wen kept saying, "Eat more! Be good, eat more!" and then put more food into her bowl. Hu Ni felt uneasyly happy, as if she were still a little girl.
Hu Ni held back her tears and drank the soup in large gulps.
Xiao Wen put down his chopsticks and looked at Hu Ni with concern, saying, "Don't be like this, I want you to be happy."
With red eyes and a red nose, Hu Ni smiled at Xiao Wen and said, "I'm fine, thank you." Yes, Hu Ni wanted to thank Xiao Wen. She would remember what Xiao Wen had given her, just as she would remember everything Qiu Ping had given her.
Xiao Wen put a chicken leg in Hu Ni's bowl and said, "Eat more."
Hu Ni laughed and said, "Do you think I'm a pig that can eat so much?"
Xiao Wen said seriously, "Then you should just think of yourself as a pig."
Hu Ni laughed and said, "Then you're no longer a pig."
Xiao Wen said, "If you become a pig, then I don't want to be a human anymore. I'll become a pig, eat and sleep, sleep and eat, and be happy!" Then Xiao Wen emphasized seriously, "But I want to lie next to you!"
Hu Ni smiled, and the two of them finished all the food in front of them.
Xiao Wen carried the bowls into the kitchen, tied on an apron, and began washing them. Hu Ni stood there watching, her nose stinging with tears. Hu Ni went over and hugged Xiao Wen's waist, her fingers slowly tracing patterns on his body. She gently bit the muscles on his back, inhaling the familiar scent. Xiao Wen hastily rinsed his soap-covered hands under the tap, ripped off his apron, and turned to hug Hu Ni. Their breathing quickened. Xiao Wen led Hu Ni by the hand toward the bedroom. For a moment, Hu Ni couldn't tell if the hand belonged to Xiao Wen or Qiu Ping.
In the middle of the night, Hu Ni woke up, while Xiao Wen remained fast asleep. Hu Ni looked at the man sleeping like a baby before her, a hint of confusion in her eyes. She had showered that day, worn her favorite blue dress, and rushed here without a second thought, all for this man. Yet, he couldn't bear the responsibility for Hu Ni's future. When they left this world, neither would be by her side; they would both be weeping and grieving for others, or others would be weeping and grieving for them. They had only met by chance, and then parted ways.
Hu Ni got up, walked to the window, and lifted a corner of the curtain. Outside was a vast expanse of darkness. Hu Ni picked up one of Xiao Wen's 555 cigarettes, sat on the windowsill, lit it, and slowly began to smoke.
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (Part 7)
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From then on, Hu Ni would often go to Xiao Wen's dormitory. Unless there was a special reason why she couldn't go, Hu Ni would feel very uncomfortable tossing and turning on her own bed, which had become unfamiliar.
Hu Ni knew she had become dependent on Xiao Wen. Her emotional dependence was intense, like an unweaned infant's dependence on its mother's milk, or a frightened child's unwavering attachment to its father. By the time she realized this, Hu Ni was already hopelessly infatuated. She tried to gradually diminish her feelings; she stopped going to Xiao Wen's dorm, but her persistence only lasted until around nine o'clock before she couldn't hold on any longer. She missed not only Xiao Wen, but also that big bed and the familiar room.
Hu Ni persisted, just like many futile days. On the table lay an open stack of manuscript paper, next to a literary magazine containing one of her novellas—her last one. Hu Ni had neglected her pen and paper for a long time. The cigarette between her fingers burned silently, the smoke from her breath filling the room, making Hu Ni appear hazy and indistinct. Hu Ni ran her fingers through her hair, struggling to suppress her desires, a desire that was accompanied by an endless emptiness and loneliness. Hu Ni wondered if she weren't lonely, would she still be so hopeful for Xiao Wen? She didn't know the answer. The cigarette between her fingers was about to burn out, the burnt part withered and curled at the top, threatening to fall at any moment. Hu Ni's hand trembled; the cigarette finally burned to the end, burning her hand.
The pager lying on the bed started ringing again without restraint. It was a gift from Xiao Wen to Hu Ni; he couldn't bear the thought of losing contact with her.
Hu Ni stood up, stubbed out her cigarette fiercely, grabbed a coat—it was already November, and the air was starting to get chilly. Hu Ni picked up her pager; just as she expected, it displayed the message: "Why aren't you here yet? I miss you so much."
She slammed the door shut and strode forward. Night had already enveloped the world, but Hu Ni was no longer afraid. Why should someone who was so pathetic yesterday worry about tomorrow? Today it is, today it is. Hu Ni strode forward.
In Xiao Wen's dormitory, he was painting, while Hu Ni leaned back in a wicker chair reading, a thin white blanket draped over her legs. A floor lamp cast a warm glow on her, blocking the cold light of the fluorescent lamp. Her long hair was pulled back, revealing her slender, white neck, as beautiful as a swan. Her skin was like dew, and her beautiful lines were vividly defined under the lamplight.
Xiao Wen put down his pen and said, "Hu Ni."
Hu Ni agreed without looking up; she wanted to stay in that position.
"Hu Ni," Xiao Wen called again.
Hu Ni looked up at Xiao Wen, puzzled. "What?"
Xiao Wen didn't say anything. He walked over and gently stroked Hu Ni's face with his fingers, saying, "I will remember you for the rest of my life."
Hu Ni grasped Xiao Wen's hand, pressing it against her face, tears streaming down her cheeks. To remember him for a lifetime was the greatest gift they could give, just as Hu Ni had given Qiu Ping—something she would never forget. He had left an indelible mark on her life, forever etched in her childhood. And Xiao Wen would too; he had provided solace and comfort to her broken life during her formative years. But it was only a memory. Then Hu Ni would move on, seeking eternal warmth. Hu Ni needed warmth—warmth without the fear of loss, warmth that wouldn't cause her heartache.
The phone rang abruptly, and Xiao Wen let go of Hu Ni to answer it.
"Qianqian!" Xiao Wen's tone softened.
Hu Ni wrapped the blanket around herself, lit a cigarette, walked to the window, and looked at the prosperous lights in the distance.
Qianqian is Xiao Wen's daughter, a senior in high school facing the college entrance examination. Xiao Wen dotes on his daughter, which is the most direct factor in the stability of his family. He has never talked to Hu Ni about his wife. In fact, his relationship with his wife is quite bland; otherwise, he wouldn't be content living a long-distance relationship. He actually doesn't want to live with his wife. Their marriage is due to various reasons—family, historical, social—but not love. Because of these reasons, Xiao Wen values his family, especially after Qianqian was born. But this is all he can do. He has tried to live a normal life with his wife, but it turns out he can't. He is someone who needs passion to have a marital relationship, and he feels like a failure in front of his wife. So he is willing to stay in Chongqing, using a high-sounding excuse to reject his wife. He knows he is letting his wife down; all he can give her is to preserve the family and maintain its integrity in name only.
But he never told Hu Ni any of this. These days, men don't tell girls about their unhappy marriages to gain sympathy and affection. That's something only old-fashioned or heartless people do, and Xiao Wen disdained doing that. Xiao Wen kept his family and Hu Ni completely separate. He believed family and love were unrelated; family was a person's final refuge in old age. When one is old and no longer needs love, family demonstrates its absolute warmth and security. Family was important. Although he didn't love his wife, she was definitely a good woman who could provide him with the warmest and safest family life when he was old and frail. And there was his lovely daughter, who would bring him the joy of having children by his side. He knew that one day Hu Ni would leave with heartache, but this was all he could do. Even for the Hu Ni he loved, he couldn't risk his life or sacrifice his family for her.
Hu Ni leaned against the window, listlessly smoking a cigarette. Smoke swirled around her, then silently dissipated, only to be replaced by more. She was actually listening intently to Xiao Wen's conversation: "Great! I knew it! My Qianqian is definitely the best! ...Let Mom take you shopping tomorrow... Okay, you choose it yourself, consider it a reward from Dad! ...You have to listen to Mom, okay? Dad misses you all... Dad's busy with work... How's your eating now? Don't be picky! You've grown another two centimeters, Dad will measure you again when we get back..."
Water droplets fell to the floor; those were Hu Ni's tears. Xiao Wen's words were warm and comforting, a kind of fatherly care she had never felt before. It was the kind of fatherly care she had desperately longed for so many times. Now, these words were slowly coming from the mouth of her lover, comforting a girl about Hu Ni's age. Hu Ni felt guilty and jealous. Yet, she was even more irresistibly drawn to Xiao Wen. She loved the way he spoke these words; she knew she harbored a deep Electra complex. What she received from Xiao Wen was not just romantic love, but also a feeling she had never experienced before: fatherly love. These elements combined perfectly, repeatedly pushing Hu Ni to the peak of love. And at this moment, Hu Ni was struggling in a deep but desperate love, unable to control herself.
Xiao Wen hung up the phone and hugged Hu Ni from behind to comfort her. He was surprised to find that Hu Ni was already in tears. He tenderly wiped away her tears. Hu Ni asked with hazy eyes, "Do you love me?"
Xiao Wen answered firmly, "I love you, Hu Ni, I love you so much!" He wasn't lying; he truly loved Hu Ni. But his love had nothing to do with family or responsibility. Love was intangible, non-material—something he could give Hu Ni. Family and responsibility were tangible, material—things he couldn't provide for Hu Ni.
Hu Ni was satisfied; that was all she wanted. Actually, she wanted more, but she knew she couldn't.
Hu Ni nestled in Xiao Wen's arms, gazing at the distant, twinkling lights outside the window. Xiao Wen held her close, occasionally stroking her hair with his chin. Hu Ni thought despairingly, "If only time could stand still, and tomorrow would never come."
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (Part 8)
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