Back in her dorm, Hu Ni felt surprisingly calm. She picked up Eileen Chang's *Love in a Fallen City* and started reading. It had been a long time since she had read anything seriously.
Time passed slowly, day by day. Hu Ni endured the winter break with extreme patience. She was no longer restless; she suppressed everything in her heart. She read, wrote, and went out for a bite to eat. Every evening around 7 PM, Hu Ni would receive a text message from Xiao Wen. She no longer considered calling him; she knew it would only make her more agitated. She didn't know that Xiao Wen was very busy in Shanghai, because he hadn't been home in a long time, spending his days with many people—his own parents, his wife's parents. He only managed to send his text messages after taking on tasks like taking out the trash or buying soy sauce downstairs. Eventually, he even had the receptionist send him a text message at that time every day for the next week. That text message gave Hu Ni hope and courage, enough to allow her to sleep relatively well that night.
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (XI)
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Students began returning to school one after another, and the school suddenly became lively again. Hu Ni felt much more relaxed; she knew Xiao Wen would be back soon, and her agonizing wait was about to end.
Hu Ni sat at the convenience store near the school gate and bought a bottle of yogurt, around the same time she had last seen Xiao Wen return. She drank that bottle of yogurt for a full half hour, then ordered another one, drank that for another half hour, and then ordered yet another one.
A taxi stopped in front of the school, and like every taxi that stopped, Hu Ni's heart started pounding uncontrollably.
Xiao Wen, carrying a large bag of things, got off the bus and walked towards the convenience store. He saw Hu Ni. Hu Ni was somewhat flustered, but mostly overjoyed. These emotions made her face flush red, and she looked across the street to hide her unease.
Xiao Wen still bought a pack of cigarettes. Zhang Er, a man in his forties who ran the convenience store, greeted him warmly: "Teacher Xiao is back! And he brought so many things with him."
Xiao Wen answered perfunctorily, "Yes! Yes!"
Xiao Wen turned and left. Hu Ni felt his gaze lingering on her face, meaningful yet she dared not show it.
But no matter what, Hu Ni's heart felt full and at ease.
Hu Ni sat there, waiting, but her heart was already impatient.
A moment later, the pager in Hu Ni's bag went off cheerfully, and Hu Ni knew what it displayed without even looking at it.
Hu Ni paid for the three bottles of yogurt and got up to walk slowly towards the school. This was her first time going to Xiao Wen's place during the day.
As she approached Xiao Wen's dormitory, she heard footsteps and voices coming from upstairs. Hu Ni didn't dare linger and continued upstairs. The whole family left noisily, the footsteps faded, and Hu Ni turned and went downstairs, pushing open that familiar door.
As soon as they entered, Xiao Wen embraced Hu Ni, and the two kissed passionately. Hu Ni greedily savored everything about this familiar man; the longing and sorrow of the past few days could now be concretely soothed. A moment later, Xiao Wen, surprised, touched the tears on Hu Ni's face with his fingers and asked, "You cried?" Hu Ni shook her head, then pressed her lips firmly against his. Her plan to break up crumbled in that instant. So be it, so be it, let it last as long as it can. Clinging to a straw and drifting with the current is easier than drifting alone, isn't it?
Xiao Wen was asleep. He was exhausted. Hu Ni couldn't sleep; she had been getting too much sleep these past few days.
Hu Ni wrapped herself in a blanket, sat on the sofa, lit a cigarette, and slowly smoked, looking at Xiao Wen sleeping soundly on the bed. Her heart was filled with a sense of emptiness and confusion. After this winter break, she realized that their relationship was too fragile to withstand the slightest breeze. They were as fragile as a sandcastle haphazardly built by a child; any external force, even a passing dog, would cause it to collapse. Suddenly, the pager went off, sharp and piercing. Hu Ni quickly rummaged through her bag and turned it off, afraid it would disturb Xiao Wen's sleep. Thankfully, Xiao Wen turned over and fell into a deep sleep again. Only Xiao Wen knew this pager number, and Hu Ni wondered who else would contact her. Hu Ni saw that it was Xiao Wen calling, with the same message as this week: "I miss you! I want to see you soon!" Hu Ni suddenly understood, understood why she had received the same message at the same time every day for the past few days.
Looking at the sleeping Xiao Wen, Hu Ni told herself not to think about anything.
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (12)
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That night, Hu Ni hid in her dormitory writing. She hadn't visited Xiao Wen for several days, deliberately trying to be indifferent and rational about their relationship. She felt somewhat lost because Xiao Wen hadn't paged her or asked her to come to him. Hu Ni was disappointed; Xiao Wen wasn't as eager for her as before. She was actually quite bewildered, but she persisted.
The surrounding rooms became lively, with many students visiting each other. Upstairs, it seemed like they were playing "Dou Dizhu," a gambling card game. In the outermost room, a boy from the music department kept playing his guitar and singing old American country folk songs in his raspy voice. If everything seemed normal, there should have been several first-year female students in his room, and they hadn't turned on the lights, only a single candle.
Hu Ni liked the noise, liked the false prosperity, so she wouldn't feel the vast loneliness of the world. She struggled to write, a love story between a girl and her teacher. This was the only subject she could write about now; her mind could hardly hold anything else. She wasn't fully engaged in her writing because reality, after all, had a greater influence, constantly tempting her.
The pager went off, and Hu Ni jolted, her resolve crumbling in an instant. She quickly washed her face, combed her hair, grabbed her coat, and hurried outside. She felt sorrowful, even desperate, vaguely feeling like a prostitute. She felt ashamed, but she couldn't convince herself not to head in that direction. In fact, for some time now, they only met every few days. It was always Xiao Wen who paged Hu Ni. They seemed to have reached a tacit understanding: if Xiao Wen didn't page her, Hu Ni wouldn't go; she was too embarrassed to go. When Xiao Wen's pager came, Hu Ni, like a prostitute, would get ready and go to that place. After the initial passion, Xiao Wen's life had normalized and become more rational. He still liked Hu Ni, but he had other activities, normal social interactions, and his own independent space, which meant he couldn't give Hu Ni too much time anymore. He felt this was normal; their relationship had passed the initial adjustment period and entered a normal phase.
What saddened and frightened Hu Ni even more was Xiao Wen's slow and persistent waning passion. During their lovemaking, Xiao Wen had become much calmer; each time Hu Ni saw him, she saw his face lost in ecstasy, his eyes half-closed, completely absorbed in lust, a deathly ecstasy. Hu Ni desperately wanted to glean something else, but there was nothing, only ecstasy, utter lust. He no longer paid attention to her.
Today is no exception.
Xiao Wen was fast asleep again. Hu Ni sat on the windowsill, watching the distant lights. The cigarette burned wearily between her fingers. Slowly, Hu Ni felt tired. If she could, she wanted to escape, to go to a warm place, a warm, safe embrace. An image of a handsome young man running on a mountaintop floated into Hu Ni's mind, in that desolate winter.
Hu Ni slowly walked to the bedside, looking at the sleeping Xiao Wen. He had spoken to their daughter on the phone again today, showing her great affection, yet he had treated Hu Ni so casually and even coldly, focusing only on her physical existence, ignoring her emotional needs and her hidden pain. Hu Ni gently stroked his shallow wrinkles with her fingers, a surge of bitterness and resentment welling up inside her. This was her lover, the lover she had hoped would give her warmth. He was wantonly hurting her feelings and self-respect.
Xiao Wen woke up and squinted as he asked, "Aren't you going to sleep yet? What time is it? We have to get up early tomorrow."
Hu Ni said softly, "Let's break up."
Xiao Wen was instantly wide awake. He sat up and asked, "What's wrong?" He wiped away Hu Ni's tears with his fingers. Hu Ni was overwhelmed with emotion, and her tears flowed even more freely. She tried to control her trembling voice as she said, "Let's break up. I can't take it anymore."
Xiao Wen frowned as he looked at her, pulled the blanket over his lower body, lit a cigarette, and slowly said, "Hu Ni, I know what we're going to face, and you definitely know too, you've known from the beginning. But I think we're both adults, capable of taking responsibility for our actions. I can't give you much, and that's what I feel most guilty about, but my feelings for you are real." Xiao Wen took a drag of his cigarette, thought for a moment, and slowly said, "I can't force you to do anything. This day was bound to come sooner or later. If you want it to come so soon, there's nothing I can do. The initiative is in your hands." After saying that, Xiao Wen looked at Hu Ni, the calmness in his eyes and his words chilling her to the bone. Hu Ni was annoyed that she was still sobbing so sadly, still heartbroken over the beautiful memories of the past. Everything was fake—the care, the affection, even the irresistible "be obedience!"—all so fake and fragile, all for the sake of fleeting pleasure. When the initial passion fades, a relationship without responsibility becomes like leftovers that have been left out for too long, smelling sour and rotten, and there is no other way out but to throw it away.
Hu Ni grasped Xiao Wen's long, slender hand and placed it against her cheek. Looking at the man she loved, large tears streamed down her face, falling onto the blanket with a crisp, shattering sound. Hu Ni leaned closer, burying herself tightly in his arms, trembling. Then she stood up, picked up her clothes from the floor, and began to put them on.
Xiao Wen stood up nervously: "What's wrong, Hu Ni? What are you trying to do?"
Hu Ni didn't say anything, and put on her last coat. Xiao Wen walked up and took off the coat Hu Ni had just put on, looking at her with a stubborn, somewhat worried expression: "Hu Ni, are you really willing to do this?"
Hu Ni said coldly, "What can I do if I can't bear to part with you? Didn't you say that I had the upper hand? We should have ended things a long time ago. I just can't take it anymore."
Xiao Wen held Hu Ni tightly, murmuring with a childlike possessiveness, "I won't let you go, I won't let you go." He became feverish, just like in the beginning of their relationship. The impending separation excited him, because it couldn't last forever, making her perfect and precious. She would be a beautiful memory for him. He had given her his love without any external pressure, without any conditions, without any impurities. Because there was no external pressure, no conditions, no impurities, once the passion faded, only withered fragments remained; there was no reason for it to continue. But now he was afraid, because he couldn't control her anymore. She was leaving, and what cannot be controlled is the most alluring. Hu Ni was like a witch, both bewitching and ethereal, full of temptation from the edge.
Hu Ni fought back resolutely, like fighting a rapist. Suddenly, she completely overturned Xiao Wen, everything, and maliciously watched as a sandcastle she had built collapsed.
Rushing outside, I saw a light drizzle; the rainy season had begun.
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (Thirteen)
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The next day, Hu Ni turned off the phone.
Hu Ni went to class, then returned to her dorm to write. She calmed herself down, at least outwardly. Furthermore, she stopped attending Xiao Wen's elective courses; she didn't want to see him again.
Perhaps life could continue peacefully like this. After graduating from university, Hu Ni would find a place where no one knew her and start her life anew. A considerate husband, a complete family.
The rainy season continues, with a constant drizzle every day for nearly a month. The air is damp and musty, shrouding the entire city of Chongqing in a misty, rainy atmosphere. Some say Chongqing is famous for its beautiful women because of its humid climate and thick fog.
Hu Ni walked slowly through the campus, holding an umbrella. There were very few people on campus today. It was Sunday, and everyone liked to go out and have fun. After staying at school for a week, they were already tired of it.
Hu Ni walked slowly with her head down, holding a lunchbox in her hand. She had been writing in her dormitory all day, and the lack of exercise made her look very pale.
"Hu Ni!" Hu Ni was startled by a soft call from below. Xiao Wen walked up beside her, carrying a lunchbox. Hu Ni's face flushed red with panic.
"I've paged you so many times, why don't you come over?" Xiao Wen said with a hint of reproach.
Hu Ni lowered her head and remained silent. Suddenly, she raised her head and asked, "Why should I go just because you address me by my name?"
Xiao Wen, unimpressed, said in a tone like a teacher, "Don't act like a child. Come to my place after you finish eating!" He then walked forward, but after a few steps turned back with the serious authority of a teacher, saying, "Be good! Come over after you finish eating!"
Hu Ni stood there, frozen in place, wanting nothing more than to cry.
Hu Ni had lost her appetite. Looking at the food in front of her, she thought of Xiao Wen's words, "Be obedient," which had once felt like a curse to her. Today, they sounded so humiliating—a humiliation that made her feel ashamed. Hu Ni took deep breaths, trying to exhale the deep disappointment and pain within her. If he showed her a little more care and respect, she would happily and excitedly come to his summons. But now, his tone was increasingly commanding, and he increasingly ignored Hu Ni's feelings. Hu Ni didn't understand how this was any different from being a prostitute.
Hu Ni poured all the food into the sink and left on an empty stomach.
Hu Ni walked back. After that stretch of road, the path forked. To the left, Hu Ni could return to her dormitory; to the right, she would reach Xiao Wen's dormitory. Hu Ni knew she wouldn't go right. She had made up her mind to give up. He was the one who gave up on her first, she thought dejectedly.
But her feet moved to the right without hesitation, and Hu Ni understood her tragedy: she couldn't save herself.
The door was ajar, just like every time she came. Hu Ni pushed it open and then locked it. She slowly raised her head. Xiao Wen was sitting on the sofa smoking, glancing at her with a hint of impatience. In fact, he already looked down on her. Unlike the other girls who came here, most of them had a relaxed attitude; their positions were equal. Sometimes Xiao Wen himself couldn't tell whether he was playing them or they were playing him. Some girls had extreme ideas, wanting more; they would say it directly, they would make a scene. They would curse him, even scratch him with their fingers, and leave ruthlessly when there was no hope. They gave Xiao Wen headaches, but they were still equals. Hu Ni was different. Her feelings for Xiao Wen were somewhat blind, even sacrificial. At first, it did move Xiao Wen, but as time went on, her excessive gentleness and dependence became tiresome. Today, Xiao Wen had wanted Hu Ni to come, but seeing her standing before him with a somewhat forlorn expression, he suddenly looked down on her.
It was still early, but they had run out of other plans. Chatting, watching Xiao Wen paint—that was it. All that was left for them was making love. Even though it was still very early.
Xiao Wen told Hu Ni to take off her clothes, his tone indifferent. Hu Ni took off her clothes. Xiao Wen's caresses were cold; he stopped, lit a cigarette, and slowly inhaled, occasionally casually soothing Hu Ni's body. Hu Ni stared at the ceiling, refusing to cry, vowing in her heart that this was the last time she would come here.
Xiao Wen finally finished his cigarette, and now he had no choice but to face Hu Ni.
A rhythmic creaking sound came from the headboard, a cold, emotionless sound, as indifferent and oppressive as the surrounding air. Then Xiao Wen trembled as he released inside Hu Ni, letting out a low, deathly moan.
Hu Ni got up, dressed, and left. Xiao Wen didn't say a word during this time. He lit another cigarette, slowly smoking, leaning against the headboard, watching Hu Ni leave with a detached expression. He felt a blandness more tedious than plain water; perhaps, they really should end it.
There is a kind of love that can carry on the past (XIV)
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Hu Ni felt an emptiness within her, an emptiness so profound that not a single tear could be shed. She walked slowly forward, a lunchbox in her hand. Her heart, once so full of life, now felt all the more desolate.
A short figure followed closely behind Hu Ni, hesitant and uncertain. He slowly caught up, then hesitated again, widening the distance. Then he chased after her again, timidly calling out, "Mei Hu Ni!"
Hu Ni turned around and recognized him—the bespectacled young man who had offered three thousand yuan for a night with her. Hu Ni felt an instinctive sense of disgust. But that disgust wasn't as strong as her self-loathing. Hu Ni gave him a cold look, then turned and left.
"Mei Huni!" the boy called out again, mustering his courage. "I only have three thousand yuan. Just once, not all night, is that alright?" The boy had already bought a computer. When he received the ten thousand yuan his family gave him, he didn't hesitate to buy it, go online, and play games. These things brought him a lot of joy. He was a boy who hadn't fully grown up yet; he was still a child at heart.
Hu Ni stopped. She had a vicious revenge plan, to take revenge on Xiao Wen, and even more so, on herself.
In the hotel lobby, Hu Ni sat alone on the sofa, waiting for the boy named Zhang Xuhui. He had taken his student ID card to another ATM to withdraw money, as the ATM next to the school had been out of service when he went there earlier.
Time passed slowly, and Hu Ni had been sitting for a long time. She stood up, convinced the boy wouldn't come. Then she saw someone run in, panting. He walked straight towards her, then stammered nervously, "Wait a little longer, I'll go get a room." He then headed towards the front desk. Hu Ni was actually a little touched.
The boy walked over, holding a key tag. Hu Ni knew she could still leave. But she didn't; she followed the boy into the elevator.
The boy took their time very seriously, ordering a bottle of red wine and a bouquet of red roses. He had secretly loved Hu Ni for a long time, and he was overjoyed that the money had given him a chance to be alone with this beautiful but unattainable girl. He cherished this precious opportunity. He gave the flowers to Hu Ni with a touch of shyness, then poured two glasses of wine, taking one for himself. Overwhelmed with excitement and nervousness, he downed it in one gulp. Hu Ni looked at him coldly, making him lose all courage.
Hu Ni stood up and went to the bathroom. She needed to wash herself thoroughly; Xiao Wen's traces still lingered on her body. Water from the showerhead splashed onto Hu Ni's skin, glistening. Hu Ni washed herself, knowing that Xiao Wen's mark was branded on her body. She felt humiliation, she felt pain—feelings that would remain within her, never to disappear. Facing the boy outside, she felt much calmer. They were equals, they were fair. She didn't need to guess how he saw her, didn't need to care whether he loved her. She had agreed to give him her body because he wanted to pay her five thousand yuan, nothing more. Nothing more. Hu Ni hugged her knees and squatted down.
When Hu Ni stood by the bed wrapped in a towel, the boy's eyes widened. Surprise and nervousness made him forget that he was still holding a wine glass. In fact, he had already drunk half a bottle of wine. He was nervous and scared; this was his first time. So he had to drink desperately to suppress his nervousness.
The boy went in and quickly rinsed himself off. He pressed himself against Hu Ni, trembling violently, his face looking like he was about to cry. Hu Ni was surprisingly calm. She didn't even feel as disgusted as she had imagined, but she knew that Xiao Wen had been driven away by her malicious intent. She would never face Xiao Wen again. She wanted to punish herself, to make herself never love him again, never depend on him again.
His eyes gazed out the window at the beautiful night view of the mountain city. The boy hadn't even entered yet, but he had already erupted uncontrollably. Frustrated, he almost cried, pleading with Hu Ni, "This time won't do, okay?" Hu Ni nodded, and a joyful smile spread across the boy's face, filled with gratitude.
It was quite late when they came out. The boy politely escorted Hu Ni to her dormitory, then asked somewhat shyly, "Can I see you again next time?"
Hu Ni said coldly, "No!" and then closed her door. Hu Ni lay down on her bed; there was a thick wad of three thousand yuan in her bag. She took it out and put it in a drawer. She would deposit it tomorrow, and for a while, she wouldn't have to worry about making a living. Hu Ni quickly fell asleep without dreaming.
Love that has expired is gone (Part 1)
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Hu Ni started her own life. The malicious deal she made with that boy miraculously pulled her out of the mire, and she no longer depended on Xiao Wen.
She spent her spare time writing in her rented dormitory. Everyone hopes for a bright future, and Hu Ni naturally didn't want to be just an ordinary person. Some desires were growing within her. "Writer," a title that's outdated and unfashionable, still drew Hu Ni to her desk every day, writing furiously. A strong urge to express herself flowed onto the paper like excrement. For someone who rarely interacts with the outside world, writing is the best form of communication. For someone who resists reality, writing is the best way to escape it.
Hu Ni suddenly felt that she had found a balance on the edge and a way out of her confusion.
If nothing else happens.
Every cause has its effect. Hu Ni's attempt to escape with a侥幸心理 (a gambler's mentality) ultimately failed; she couldn't escape the consequences.
My lower abdomen started hurting again, it hurt a lot, is it menstrual cramps? Hu Ni hoped so, this time my period was more than ten days late, but it finally came after an anxious wait.
Hu Ni persevered, beads of sweat dripping down her face, her body writhing in excruciating pain. She curled up, shivering with cold, and noticed astonished glances from onlookers. Hu Ni stood up; she decided to go back and rest for a while.
Just then, Hu Ni collapsed heavily to the ground, amidst screams of alarm. Hu Ni vaguely saw faces contorted in surprise, and heard many distorted cries…
In the school clinic, the school doctor frantically directed the students who brought Hu Ni to carry her into a school van. His measurements were just taken: 75/45 blood pressure, heart rate 140… there couldn't be any more delay.
After more than three hours of emergency treatment, Hu Ni was out of danger. The doctor told her, somewhat exasperated, "If it had dragged on for a few more hours, she would have been dead!"
Hu Ni stared out the window with her dark, unyielding eyes at the several lush begonias, butterflies flitting about – a beautiful biological world. A needle was stuck in the back of her hand, connected to a bottle of medicine hanging high above, from which her weakened body could draw strength. But the future was truly bleak. Hu Ni had been thrown into hell, a bottomless, dark, and empty place, and most terrifyingly, devoid of any hope. The school knew about it immediately; she would definitely be expelled, Hu Ni thought desperately. Was her life destined to be mediocre, wasting her boring existence in some desolate place on Earth, with each sunrise and sunset?
Hu Ni turned her head and looked at the slowly dripping medicine, slowly and silently.
The pain in her lower abdomen began. Due to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, her fallopian tubes had been completely removed during the surgery, meaning that Hu Ni would lose all her fertility. A pain that someone her age couldn't possibly comprehend.
Love that has expired is gone (Part 2)
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During this time, Xiao Wen visited Hu Ni late one night, hoping that she would not reveal his name. He was the candidate for the head of the art department this year, but not the only one. He did not want to be defeated by his opponent because of such a thing.
At Hu Ni's bedside, Xiao Wen even sobbed softly, holding her hand and begging for forgiveness. He didn't look at her; he dared not look at her, his eyes lowered, revealing his helplessness and panic. In that instant, Hu Ni felt completely relieved. Xiao Wen's once towering figure crumbled like sand. Hu Ni even felt ashamed that she had ever loved this man, and humiliated that she had ever shared such intimate contact with him.