Ich verkaufe meine Kleidung und kaufe etwas Wein, den ich mit dir trinken kann

Kapitel 48

No, please stop pretending to be humble, please stop being so gentle with me! My heart has already been torn into countless pieces by you, the pain is unbearable—why did you have to choose today? September 17th? A year ago, I was abandoned by God, and a year later, I've been abandoned by you!

I looked at him through my blurry, tear-filled eyes—such genuine surprise, such genuine worry, such genuine reluctance—Huaiyuan, it's such a waste that you're not an actor!

"Qing'er, are you cold? Why do you seem to be shivering?" Huaiyuan's voice was already tinged with anxiety. Without waiting for a reply, he pulled me into his arms with one hand and touched my forehead with the other. "Why are you so hot? You're really sick!"

His strong hands firmly supported my waist, and he turned to carry me out, muttering complaints, "How can you be so bad at taking care of yourself? I'll take you to see a doctor!"

"No!" I cried, struggling to break free from his embrace. But he was so strong, I couldn't move an inch. I was powerless and didn't want to struggle anymore—God forgive me, let me indulge my emotions one last time, let me nestle in his arms one last time!

"What's wrong, Qing'er? Why are you crying? Does it hurt a lot?" Huaiyuan's anxiety was palpable—perhaps he wasn't entirely heartless towards me? It's just that he couldn't give me the complete and unconditional love I craved—was I being too greedy?! Demanding monogamy from a man who occupies a dominant position?! In his mind, "multiple wives and concubines" were commonplace, taken for granted, weren't they?! Was it too selfish of me to force him to accept my "monogamy"?!

I gently shook my head, slowly softened my body, and wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. "Don't go! I'm not sick, I just... I just miss you." — Yes, I miss Huaiyuan madly, I miss that considerate, gentle Huaiyuan who always put me first!

Huaiyuan stared at me in confusion, startled by my torrent of tears. "Silly girl, don't cry! Didn't I come back?"—You're wrong. The Huaiyuan who came back is no longer the same Huaiyuan! My Huaiyuan will never come back! My tears fell even faster, I cried so hard that I was hoarse, my heart breaking, as if I wanted to pour out all the tears of my life—Huaiyuan held me helplessly, trying in vain to give me some warmth—but no matter how much inner strength he sent, it could no longer warm my heart.

Finally, I cried until I was exhausted and slowly stopped—I wiped my tears and snot all over his chest in a haphazard, vengeful way.

"You seem troubled! Tell me, what's wrong?" Huaiyuan stared at me intently for a long time, his tone very certain.

I've decided to leave you. I'm setting you free—I looked back at him quietly, tears welling up in my eyes again. "It's nothing, I just missed you!"

"Really?" Huaiyuan clearly didn't believe me, but he was helpless. "It's okay if you don't tell me, I will naturally investigate and find out the truth."

"Huaiyuan, if—I mean if I suddenly disappeared—would you miss me?!" I couldn't help but want to test him.

"Where are you going?! It's not that your older brother is looking for you, is it? Is that why you're crying?" Huaiyuan immediately narrowed his eyes and scrutinized me warily.

"Then you yourself just suddenly disappeared, didn't you?!" I scolded him, half-jokingly.

"You still say you're not angry? Don't worry, I won't leave you behind again next time." Huaiyuan visibly relaxed, affectionately stroking my hair. "I'm sorry for making you worry!"

"Huaiyuan, do you have a jade pendant? The one with the dragon carved on it? I saw it by chance in your study last time, it's so beautiful." I nestled in his arms, still unable to resist asking him, still holding onto a sliver of hope—if you could just show me that jade pendant now, I would believe you!

"You saw it? When?" Huaiyuan paused, then smiled faintly. "It was left to me by my mother, who said it was a token of love my father gave her. If you like it, I'll give it to you." — Had I really misunderstood him?!

"Really?!" My eyes lit up, and I exclaimed in surprise, "You're kidding me, you little dog!"

"Look at you, so happy over just a piece of jade. You were crying your eyes out just now!" Huaiyuan glared at me, annoyed. "So all my sweet talk isn't as effective as a piece of jade?!"

He reached into his pocket and rummaged around for a while, but couldn't find anything. He glanced at me sheepishly and said, "Oh, I forgot to bring it today. I'll give it to you tomorrow."

"Oh! It's getting late, come again tomorrow!" I couldn't help but feel disheartened, and silently lowered my head—in the end, she was still lying to me! In the end, I was still deceiving myself!

"Hey! Are you kidding me? You're kicking me out because I didn't get the jade?" Huaiyuan muttered, but still considerately stood up. "Are you tired? Get some rest. I'll come see you again tomorrow morning."

"Come again tomorrow night," I said hastily. Seeing his questioning look, I quickly forced a smile and added, "It'll be more convenient to talk at night since no one will bother us!"

"What, do you have a lot to say that you can't let anyone hear?" He glanced at me teasingly, unsuspecting, and walked out with a smile. "Okay, I'll listen to you. Besides, I've been away for so long, I really won't be able to get away during the day tomorrow."

Watching Huaiyuan's figure finally disappear, I sat up, putting on my robe. The night air felt icy cold, chilling me to the bone. I sat quietly for a long time, finally gathering my belongings—though there was really nothing to pack; the brocade pouch wasn't even mine. I took it off and folded it under my pillow. I didn't intend to take anything Huaiyuan had given me. Besides, carrying too much would arouse suspicion. The silver notes would be enough!

I took out the two maps Huaiyuan had drawn for me, which I had kept very carefully. I folded them neatly, put them in an envelope, and placed them on the table—from now on, I will never need Huaiyuan to point me in the right direction again! I will always walk my own path!

After thinking for a moment, I took out a snow-white handkerchief, picked up a paintbrush, dipped it in vibrant vermilion, and wrote the words "Huaiyuan: I Love You!" in bold, shocking characters, followed by a large exclamation mark—Huaiyuan, do you know that those specks of crimson are the tears of blood dripping from my heart at this moment! I have finally told you the love I've kept hidden in my heart, and I have no regrets in this life. It's just a pity that you will never understand!

I put down my pen, tucked the handkerchief into the envelope, and imagined Huaiyuan's expression when he saw it—I smiled through my tears, a hint of vengeful pleasure in my heart! But more than anything, I felt an indescribable pain—I knew what I was doing was childish. But call me selfish, call me frivolous—I just wanted to leave a mark on his heart in the most special way possible! A mark that no one could erase!

This book was first published on Xiaoxiang Novel Original Website. Please retain this information when reprinting!

[Volume 3: War and Chaos - Chapter 10: The Drunken Old Man Lies at Dusk]

Withered vines, old trees, and crows at dusk

Small bridges, flowing water, and houses

An ancient road, a west wind, and a lean horse.

As the sun sets in the west,

A heartbroken traveler is far away!

I was melancholy, riding my newly bought pony, slowly and listlessly along the official road. As dusk fell, a light rain began to fall, turning the world into a white expanse. The further north I went, the fewer people I encountered, until finally I was the only one left trudging on—like a lone boat on a vast sea, drifting forlornly in the bitter wind and rain.

The rain quickly soaked me to the bone. Drenched, I felt like a fallen leaf detached from a tree in autumn, shivering in the cold wind. The desolate post road stretched endlessly towards the horizon. There wasn't a single house in sight, not even a place to take shelter from the rain, except for the tall, ancient locust tree in front of me.

A delicate daisy by the roadside, buffeted by the cold wind, quietly drifted down from its branch, twirled a few times in the air, and silently settled at my feet. It seemed to still hold onto an infinite longing and reluctance to leave this world—a pang of sorrow struck my heart, and tears gradually welled up—wasn't this prematurely withered flower a reflection of my own happiness, faded before it could even bloom?!

"Tsk! You've only gone this far and you're already crying and sobbing. What the hell was the point of running away then?" An old voice suddenly rang in my ears—it sounded like that strange old man, Guan Dingshan.

I looked around but didn't see anyone—even in my hallucinations, that old man is trying to trick me. Just how much of a failure am I as a person?!

"How stupid! I'm on your head!" This time I heard it clearly; it was indeed the old man surnamed Guan speaking. I looked up and saw him wrapped in a straw raincoat, lying diagonally on a horizontal branch of the ancient locust tree. His legs were swinging wildly, and in his hand he held the broken wine jug that he never parted with.

"Senior Guan?! What are you doing here?!" I looked at him in surprise, my mind filled with doubt—Logically, Huaiyuan shouldn't have realized I had left yet, so it's impossible for him to have caught up so quickly!

"Heh, I was drinking when I suddenly caught a jerk out of the corner of my eye who actually spent a hundred taels of silver on an old, skinny horse. I couldn't help but follow him to see what that idiot was up to!" Guan Dingshan glanced at me sideways, his eyes full of displeasure, and kept berating me. "I thought you just had a bad temper, but who knew you were as stupid as an ox! I mean, even if you're stupid, you should at least have some sense, right? Our Jingyou Manor is a ranch! If people knew that the people from our manor couldn't even choose a horse, wouldn't they laugh their heads off?!"

I lowered my head, ignored him, and continued walking forward—now that I had left Huaiyuan as he wished, I really had no mood or need to put up with his nonsense!

"Hey! I'm talking to you, you old man! Where are you going, you skinny bamboo pole?!" Guan Dingshan suddenly jumped down from the tree and blocked my way.

"A skinny bamboo pole?!" I squinted, looking down at him—did he think I was that pathetic?!

"What? You're not convinced?" He puffed out his chest and rolled his small eyes. "It's one thing for a girl to grow so tall, but she's also so skinny. I bet a gust of wind could blow her away. What else could she be but a skinny bamboo pole?!" — Hey, it's your own fault for not developing properly, don't blame me!

"Whether I'm skinny or not is none of your business, you groundhog?!" I was in a terrible mood, and this old monster came to provoke me, so I took out all my anger on him.

"A groundhog?! What's that?!" Guan Dingshan jumped up and down in anger. "Who are you talking about?!"