Ich verkaufe meine Kleidung und kaufe etwas Wein, den ich mit dir trinken kann

Kapitel 81

"No, it can't be." I murmured, distraught—my heart was being torn apart by an invisible force, the pain unbearable.

"I've checked. There was a fierce battle at Jinshui River in the southern suburbs. I heard that several fine steeds charged out, but since it was the middle of the night, I don't know if it was the Akhal-Teke horse that Miss Ye was riding." Liu Yanzong reported to Zongwang, but there was a look of pity in his eyes as he looked at me.

“Okay! Let’s…go there and see…” My heart was pounding—why was he looking at me like that? Was he hiding something from me?! I didn’t dare to think about it and rushed out first.

"Miss Ye, it's been three days already. Even if you go, you won't see anything!" Liu Yanzong sighed as he tried to dissuade me.

I wandered aimlessly, pleading with Zongwang—"Let me go, or I won't give up."

As it turned out, even though three days had passed, the brutality of the war had not diminished with the passage of time—the corpses lying haphazardly, the charred tanks, and the blood mixed with melting snow under the scorching sun, emitting a putrid stench, floated in the air, making one want to vomit.

For five consecutive days, I stumbled and searched among the severed limbs—faced with the stark reality, I finally understood—this is war, so cruel, so bloody. I dared not look into those wide-open, angry eyes; those unseeing, dying eyes seemed to flicker with mockery of my ignorance, a merciless sneer. I didn't even dare to shed a tear, for fear I didn't deserve it!

I don't know how long I walked, but I still couldn't find that familiar figure. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. My heart was breaking, yet I clung to a faint, almost imperceptible hope—unconsciously, I had reached the banks of the Jinshui River. The ice floes in the river, bobbing up and down, had shattered under the blazing sun, drifting downstream, shimmering with countless points of golden light, displaying a false beauty.

Downstream, there was even a vibrant red flower, clutched tightly in someone's hand, as if grasping a lifeline. The person stood out starkly against the silvery ice. I felt utterly weak and collapsed to the ground, staring at the figure, silently weeping—it was my handkerchief, Huaiyuan always carried it with him; I wouldn't mistake it.

No, this person isn't Huaiyuan at all. He's too ugly, his face disfigured from being submerged in water, his body covered in countless knife wounds, new and old, crisscrossing each other; no, it's not Huaiyuan. Huaiyuan's skin is always a healthy bronze, gleaming with an alluring sheen, never this lifeless gray; no, it's not Huaiyuan, his martial arts are so high, no one in this world could possibly harm him; how could this person, cold all over, swollen and deformed, devoid of any smile, possibly be my handsome, gentle, and dashing Huaiyuan?! But the word LOVE written in vermilion is facing me, flashing with a mocking light, as if silently protesting, loudly laughing and saying: It's me, it's me!

I actually laughed and told Huaiyuan that the Song-Jin war was just a falling out between brothers, and that the elder brother should give way to the younger one?! Yes, although my body came to the Northern Song Dynasty, my soul has always been wandering in a chaotic space-time, without a home; I have always looked down on this period of history; in this space-time, I have no father or mother, no brothers or sisters, so no matter who dies, I feel no pain; that's why I can face Zongwang so easily, and even admire his extraordinary military talent; that's why I can speak so arrogantly, without changing my expression or skipping a beat!

Because I mocked history, presuming to understand it, playing games between history and reality, and indulging in my self-righteous cleverness. I disrespected history, arrogantly looking down on humanity from a distance, and so history played a cruel joke on me. It took away my dearest loved ones, making me understand what heartbreak and unbearable pain truly mean! But the one who was wrong was clearly me, so why should Huaiyuan be punished? Why? I truly don't understand…!

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[Volume 4 Finale: Chapter 25 Spring Dreams Amidst the Desert Sands]

I recall the past glory of Yujing, the imperial home spanning thousands of miles.

Jade palaces and pavilions, where the morning air is filled with the sounds of strings and pipes, and the evening with the sounds of sheng and pipa.

The city of flowers is now desolate, its people gone; spring dreams linger amidst the desert sands.

Where is my homeland? I cannot bear to hear the Qiang flute, its notes echoing through the plum blossoms—"Eye-Catching Beauty" by Zhao Ji

I gripped the handkerchief with all my might, as if I were holding Huaiyuan's hand, refusing to let go, because I knew that if I let go, he would never come back. Suddenly, I regretted not insisting that Huaiyuan stay that day. If I had insisted he stay, would everything be different today?

"Qingyang?" Zongwang cautiously probed me. He practically carried me back from the riverbank—my whole body was limp, all my strength had been drained away, and it seemed like I even had trouble standing.

"Big brother, you're the one who did this, aren't you? You deliberately lied to me, trying to make me give up on Huaiyuan, right?" I looked at him blankly, really not understanding—Huaiyuan was perfectly fine, so why did his handkerchief end up in someone else's hands?

“Qingyang…” Zongwang sighed, his grip on my hand tightening.

"No, brother, there must be some mistake. Huaiyuan promised me he would come back alive." I stared intently at Zongwang, my tone innocent: "That person is so ugly, it's not Huaiyuan."

"I'm sorry." Zongwang's voice trembled slightly.

"What's the date today? It might be April Fool's Day." I panicked a little and clung to Zongwang as if he were a lifeline.

He stopped talking and just held me tightly—I wanted to push him away, but I had no strength at all—I didn't want him to hold me, because if Huaiyuan saw it, he would be angry and sad.

"No, I have to go look again, there must be some mistake." I don't know where the strength came from, but I jumped up and collapsed to the ground after only a few steps. Tears streamed down my face—I knew in my heart that Huaiyuan would never show the handkerchief to anyone else.

"Qingyang...!"

Huaiyuan, you lied to me! You said you loved me; you said you'd watch the stars with me again; you said you'd catch lots of fireflies for me to use as lanterns in the summer; you said our love was the brightest star in the sky, eternal; but you'll never come back! You broke your promise, you broke your word! But I can't go back on my word. I said, if you die, I don't want to live either!

I smiled bitterly, took out the Heartless Decree from my bosom, and its flashing cold light dazzled my eyes...

"Are you crazy!" Zong Wang angrily snatched my Heartless Decree, threw it on the ground, and shook me violently: "One Jiang Mohui, and you're making you want to live or die? You're pregnant, do you know that?! How can you be so irresponsible?! What will happen to the child if you die?"

"No, no, I didn't!" I pressed my ears hard, crying my heart out—why did he have to get pregnant at this time? I didn't want this child at all! I hate him for not picking the right time. If he had come earlier, Huaiyuan would never have come to Kaifeng! He would have stayed by my side, taking care of me wholeheartedly, and wouldn't have gone anywhere else!

I started to hate Huaiyuan—he just left, leaving me all alone, unable to die, unable to live. Huaiyuan, tell me, what should I do?! Forget him completely, marry happily, and live a carefree life? Huaiyuan, you make it sound so easy! You left me with so many memories, how can I possibly love someone else? How can I possibly be happy, how can I possibly find joy?

I hate myself, and I hate my child. I'm too selfish, thinking I have plenty of time and unwilling to have children too soon, wanting to enjoy the sweetness of our life as a couple; my child is too willful, preventing me from following in Huaiyuan's footsteps...

I'm trapped in self-loathing, unable and unwilling to escape. I live in a daze every day; I don't want to wake up. Reality is too painful, memories too unreal, too cruel…

In a daze, winter passed and spring arrived. Emperors Huizong and Qinzong were deposed, and the puppet Chu regime was established. The Jin army began its northward retreat. Spring went and summer came again. And I was taken to Yanjing—in truth, without Huaiyuan, everywhere would be the same, equally cold, equally lonely.

After that bout of weeping, I became indifferent to joy and sorrow, losing interest in everything—the love, hate, and grudges of this world were no longer relevant to me. I coldly watched people come and go around me, laughing and crying, experiencing life and death, glory and disgrace—such is history, and I have nothing to say.

Sorrow? Despair? Unbearable pain? No, none of that. None of these are how I feel right now. I firmly believe that all of this is just a dream—I'm merely trapped in a nightmare and can't escape it for the time being. The day I wake up, everything will return to normal, and Huaiyuan will leap into the room through the window, smiling, and come back to my side.

Yes, it was just a nightmare, nothing serious. I, Ye Qing, am not so fragile as to be unable to bear even a dream. I'm waiting, waiting for the day this nightmare ends.

"Qingyang, please talk to me, okay? I beg you, please don't do this." Zongwang came to my room as usual after court, his face full of sorrow.

He's so unreasonable. I'm perfectly healthy, I can eat and drink normally, I'm just having a dream, why is he acting all sad and distressed?! Ugh, he comes every day, I'm getting annoyed even if he doesn't.

"Do you know how much weight you've lost? Is Jiang Mohui worth giving up on yourself for?!" Zong Wang clenched his fist as if he were gripping Huai Yuan's neck.

Huaiyuan is certainly worth doing anything for. However, I haven't given up on myself. I don't know why he's so stubborn? Silence doesn't mean giving up on myself or hope. Huaiyuan isn't here, I just feel that saying anything is pointless.

"Even if you don't think about yourself, you should at least think about the child in your belly, right? You can't be so depressed. I believe Jiang Mohui, if he were watching from heaven, wouldn't want to see you disregarding the life and death of his child for his sake!"

See, he's talking nonsense again. For the past few months, he's been constantly emphasizing in my ear that I can't commit suicide for the sake of the child, that I can't do this, I can't do that. I'm getting so annoyed with him—I already said I was dreaming, who gets pregnant in their dreams? Ridiculous! Besides, Huaiyuan isn't dead, and I never even thought about committing suicide, okay? He's just suffering from delusions on his own.

"Qingyang, I know you're in pain and heartbroken. But keeping it all bottled up is bad for your health. Why don't you just cry it out? Cry! Why aren't you shedding tears? Aren't you usually a crybaby?! Your husband is dead, so why aren't you crying anymore?!" Zongwang grabbed my wrist and roared uncontrollably.

Ugh! I told you he's crazy. Why am I crying? Huaiyuan's fine, he'll be back in a couple of days, why does he seem more excited than me? He's squeezing my hand so hard it's almost broken! Ugh! I can't be bothered with him, going to sleep.

"Okay, I won't bother you, you can rest." Zongwang got up helplessly, walked to the window, and closed it: "It's windy at night, be careful not to catch a cold."

Don't close the window! If you close it, how will Huaiyuan get in?! He never uses the door when he comes home, don't you know that?! I jumped up and stubbornly reopened the window he had just closed.