The palace, that cannibalistic place. If she doesn't go, no one can let her in.
In a daze, Qiu Su was slowly but firmly pulled up. When she opened her eyes, she saw Pei Yuan with a sorrowful expression. Pei Yuan stood in front of her and solemnly asked, word by word, "Qiu Su, I'll only ask you once, what am I to you?"
This must have been the first time he called her Qiu Su, and Qiu Su's heart tightened for no reason.
"You've never believed me, have you?" Pei Yuan released his grip on her arms, took a step back, and laughed self-deprecatingly. "Ji Yan, you're ruthless! How could I forget you're a member of the Ji family?"
Qiu Su looked at Pei Yuan in shock. Ji Yan? She hadn't heard this name in years. Even among the people of Qingfeng Village, only Uncle Zhou and He Zhuo knew this name.
"What's wrong with you?"
Pei Yuan shook his head, sighed, turned his back, and after a moment of silence, sighed heavily again before saying, "That's right, I went to Pingcheng to find the descendants of the Ji family. Someone secretly sent me a message with a general location, and my appearance in Pingcheng and being assassinated at the foot of Qingyuan Mountain was an accident. Meeting you was also an accident, but bringing you back was not an accident."
Pei Yuan shook his head with a wry smile. "If we're going to raise an army, we need to give the people a plausible reason. The Ji family would be the best option. But Ji Yan, do you overestimate yourself or underestimate me? Without you, do you really think I have no other choice? You think... Sigh, I took you that night, so naturally I treated you as my wife, not a pawn. How could I let my woman and son face such danger?"
"I think that although we may not be completely in sync, at the very least you should have some trust in me."
There was a sound of a door opening outside, and a cool breeze swept in, lifting a corner of the cotton curtain in the middle. Pei Yuan clenched his fists, pressed his lips together, and finally said, "That child, if you really don't want him, then don't. His arrival was certainly at an inopportune time."
Qiu Su's eyes widened, her hands, which had been supporting her belly, trembled violently. Seven and a half months along. Back then, he had demanded sex every night, wasn't it all to get her pregnant sooner? Now he was saying she could just get rid of the child if she didn't want it? Tears welled in Qiu Su's eyes, and just as she was about to let them fall, she wiped her face hard, trying to keep her voice steady: "Pei Yuan, can you swear you've never intended to do anything with this son?"
Pei Yuan slumped his shoulders helplessly and sighed, "I've thought about it, of course I've thought about it. He has the blood of the Ji family and is a royal son, so it couldn't be better. Heh, if you want to think that way, then think that way."
Pei Yuan lifted the curtain and went out, ignoring Huang Tao who was standing there dumbfounded, and strode into the heavy snow.
Their marriage had no foundation from the beginning; it was too shallow to withstand the slightest storm.
Qiu Su watched the cotton curtain sway a few times before falling silently, and finally, tears streamed down her face. How long had it been since she last cried? She couldn't even remember. Everything was out in the open; wasn't this what she wanted? Clear and transparent, without a trace of concealment or deception, yet why did her heart ache so intensely, as if suffocating her?
What did they say? Qiu Su felt enveloped in a deep despair, her mind filled only with his words—"This child, if you don't want it, then don't want it. If you don't want it, then don't want it!"
Ha, that's what he said! Qiu Su clenched her fists in anger, ready to punch her swollen belly, but couldn't bring herself to do it. Qiu Su hugged her belly and curled up on the bed, her face instantly covered in tears.
38
38. The so-called quarrel...
Madam Pei sat in Qiu Su's room until evening. Seeing that Qiu Su remained silent with her face turned inward, she remembered Pei Yuan, who had gone to the study with a long face. She wanted to say something, but when she peeked in, she found that Qiu Su was breathing steadily and had fallen asleep. Although she coughed occasionally, she slept quite well overall. After waiting a while, she had someone add a basin of charcoal to the room, then instructed Huang Tao and Yu Hua to take good care of her before returning to Rong Courtyard.
Pei Yuan spent the night in the study, the first time he and Qiu Su had slept in separate rooms since their marriage. He lay alone on the cold study couch for half a day, then, in a fit of rage, got up and threw a few books out the window, then burned a few military treatises. Finally, he angrily summoned the servants and unleashed a torrent of abuse, berating them for being so inconsiderate as to not even bother to bring in a brazier of charcoal.
This servant had never served his master before. Seeing Pei Yuan acting erratically, throwing things and cursing, he was so frightened that he disregarded the rule that no fires were allowed in the study and hurriedly had two basins brought in. Pei Yuan vented his anger, and once the room was warm, he lay down and went to sleep without even taking off his clothes.
After crying, Qiu Su calmed down and ate and drank quietly, sleeping after each meal. The cold lasted seven or eight days, and then her condition began to improve. During this time, besides the medication to prevent miscarriage, she hadn't taken any other medicine. However, Qi Xiu had Huang Tao boil chicken soup every day, adding several medicinal herbs. Qiu Su didn't know what they were, but Qi Xiu repeatedly assured her it wouldn't affect the baby. She was also afraid that dragging it out would ultimately harm the child, so she obediently drank it.
Qiu Su had an extra task each day: curling up in bed, hunched over like a shrimp, listening to the movements in her belly. She felt that the low-grade fever a few days ago hadn't been good for the baby, and now, thinking back on her actions, she felt a little scared. If her health wasn't as good as she thought, if she had really had a high fever, even if she could keep the baby, it might also cause the baby to become mentally disabled. Qiu Su had seen two mentally disabled people in Pingcheng, both of whom had developed mental disabilities due to fever in childhood.
As the year draws to a close, Pei Yuan still hasn't moved back. Huang Tao doesn't say anything, but she always has a long face, as if she's the one who's been abandoned.
The day of the Kitchen God Festival arrived quickly, and the Pei family naturally set up a stage a day in advance. On the day of the festival, Yu Hua delivered yellow paper and incense early in the morning, and also informed Qiu Su that there would be a performance that evening, and that people from the palace would probably be coming, so she should dress up appropriately.
Qiu Su's courtyard had become much quieter since Pei Yuan stopped coming in. Huang Tao took the things from Yu Hua's hands with a hint of resentment, but didn't light them as required after Yu Hua left. She ate quite a bit of sesame candy, though, with sesame seeds stuck to the corners of her mouth.
Qiu Su lay peacefully on the small couch in the outer room, occasionally stroking the mountain lord lying beside her with one hand. Huang Tao had eaten all but three pieces of sesame candy from a plate, and seeing that she still hadn't stopped, Qiu Su finally couldn't hold back and said, "Alright, it's a festival, you should leave one for me too, there's also the mountain lord and Dou Dou."
Huang Tao was so sweet that she grinned, licked her lips before stopping, and handed one to Qiu Su, saying, "Miss, why don't you go see the young master? He's been going to that courtyard all the time lately. Humph, that Green Snake is so arrogant, thinking he's something special, daring to give me attitude."
Qiu Su broke off a piece and handed it to the mountain lord, and Huang Tao also broke off a piece and handed it to Dou Dou. Qiu Su waited until the mountain lord finished eating a piece of sesame candy before wiping her hands, picking up the last one, and taking a bite.
"It's delicious, crispy and sweet," Qiu Su exclaimed sincerely.
Huang Tao rolled her eyes and gave a heavy snort.
Qiu Su swallowed hard; she'd really been eating a lot lately, though not much at each meal. She'd also developed a new habit: whenever she ate something sweet, she couldn't help but drool. Pregnant women definitely have a lot on their plate.
"Miss! Green Snake says the young master wants to marry Miss Bamboo Kite!"
Qiu Su squinted as she finished the whole sesame candy, swallowed twice with lingering satisfaction, and then vaguely said, "Really?"
"Young Miss~~" Huang Tao pouted and muttered, "If He Zhuo finds out, I wonder how angry he'll be!"
"By the way, did He Zhuo write to me?"
"No, that's all!" Huang Tao said dejectedly, tossing a few sesame seeds into the charcoal brazier. "Miss, really! What does 'every pitiful person has something hateful about them' mean? Miss is one of them!"
Qiu Su laughed instead, "Am I pitiful?"
Huang Tao glanced at Qiu Su, wrinkled her nose and said, "The young master used to dote on the young lady so much. Compared to before, isn't she pitiful? The young lady is really something. How could the young master be so bad? The young lady doesn't listen to anything but his bad words. Now look what's happened. The people in that courtyard are the ones who benefit from this."
"I've noticed you're becoming more and more articulate," Qiu Su sighed. "You don't understand. If it were true love, even if there were disagreements, you wouldn't marry someone else so easily. If that's the case, it just means it's not enough."
Qiu Su frowned in confusion. "I can't explain it. I don't understand it either."
"Son-in-law?"
Qiu Su smiled and tapped her finger, "Hysteria."
Huang Tao gestured towards the door, stood up and stood next to Qiu Su. After a moment of silence, seeing that Pei Yuan was still standing at the door, she quickly walked to the door, lifted the other side of the cotton curtain and went out, softening her voice as she said, "Young master, please don't stand at the door. Miss has only recovered from her cold a few days ago."
Pei Yuan lowered the cotton curtain, his eyes downcast, and walked to Qiu Su's side. He sat down where Huang Tao had been sitting and warmed his hands over the charcoal brazier. Qiu Su looked at his profile. From a distance, she didn't feel anything, but now that he was closer, she felt a pang of longing. The two hadn't seen each other for some time. Qiu Su had been eating in her own room, and Pei Yuan had had servants fetch anything he needed or wore. This sudden appearance made Qiu Su feel somewhat uneasy.
Qiu Su propped herself up on her arm and watched him for a while. Seeing that he only occasionally glanced at her and didn't even lift his eyelids, she lay back down. Pei Yuan then looked up and glanced at her seemingly larger belly, letting out a strong snort in his heart. If he hadn't misheard, she should have said that the two of them were having a tiff. She wondered, why should his temper be considered a tiff? What if he really ignored her?
Looking at Qiu Su's gentle face, Pei Yuan felt an urge to pounce on her and take a bite. He finally understood; she was the heartless one.
The baby in her belly kicked her hard, causing Qiu Su's leg to twitch and her brows to furrow in pain. Just then, Pei Yuan's gaze returned to her stomach. Whether it was his imagination or not, he felt as if her undershirt suddenly bulged and then deflated, followed by Qiu Su frowning and pulling her leg back. Pei Yuan's brows furrowed, and he fussed over warming his hands for a while. Seeing that Qiu Su didn't say a word, he reluctantly sat down on the edge of the small couch, even deliberately nudging her with his bottom.
Qiu Su pursed her lips, suppressing a laugh, and shifted to one side, her eyelids slightly lowered. Pei Yuan warmed his hands again, lifted Qiu Su's short cotton-padded jacket, and pressed it against her stomach without moving. Since he didn't move, Qiu Su remained silent. One was lying down, and the other was sitting. The one sitting sometimes frowned and sometimes pursed his lips, while one hand traced patterns on Qiu Su's stomach.
He wasn't unfamiliar with the belly, nor was he unfamiliar with the movements within it, but after several days without touching it, he truly missed it terribly. Pei Yuan told himself that if it weren't for his son, whom he could use as a bargaining chip, he wouldn't bother stepping into this courtyard again. Initially, he had considered hanging a plaque with the words "Su Ge" (素阁) written on it himself, but recently he changed his mind. Anyway, he wasn't a well-liked husband, and doing more would only lead to more mistakes, so it was better to do nothing.