Un joven errante

Capítulo 78

I vaguely remember some things. And Yunying told me all sorts of things about him. When I resolutely left the palace, I instructed him to stay here and take care of the emperor for me. So, Xiao Quanzi faithfully stayed in the palace for five years as I ordered.

Now, seeing me return, he unhesitatingly relinquished his position as chief eunuch, willingly choosing to stay by my side as an ordinary eunuch. Looking at him, who has always followed me, although to others he is just an ordinary eunuch, to me he is also a precious member of my family.

After entering the palace, I thought I would remember something, but I still couldn't remember anything.

I remember the first time the Emperor brought her to a public banquet. A noblewoman, resembling a concubine, suddenly stood up as if possessed, looked at me in terror, then burst into laughter before collapsing to the ground. When she awoke a few days later, she remained mentally unstable, practically insane. Several other women looked at me, not with the jealousy and envy of the other concubines, but with a deep, indescribable complexity. They stared at me silently for a long time, then each of them smiled at me as if relieved, and never saw me again. Yet, I clearly saw in their eyes that they recognized me.

But I don't know them.

Later, Xiao Quanzi told me that the woman who went mad was a younger sister I got along very well with, named Ya Ya. Because she had framed me back then and thought she had caused my death, she felt guilty all the time. So when she saw the exact same appearance as Empress Zejin, Xie Weiying, she suddenly went mad and drove herself insane because of her guilt.

When he told me all this, his expression was indifferent, as if she deserved what she got. As for me, since I no longer had those past experiences, my expression was also indifferent.

The weather is so nice. I never imagined that after so many years, everything here would be so new, as if it had stood still, waiting for its owner to return. Everything is spotless, even the garden is beautifully maintained. It gives me the illusion that no one has been gone for five years at all, but only for a short while. It's as if I've lived another lifetime.

However, Xiao Quanzi told me that after I left, the emperor came to tidy up this place every day, and often stayed for a whole day.

As I turned around in the yard, about to go inside, a hesitant yet expectant voice suddenly rang out behind me: "Mom, is that you?"

A handsome young man stood there quietly, as if he had made a great decision before daring to step into this place, risking disappointment again, to visit the person he had silently longed for in his heart for so long, so long that his life was almost over.

162. Exclusive Favor (Part 1)

"You're Mom, right? You're her, right? You're not dead, right?..." Countless questions, like a surging torrent, instantly overwhelmed me, making me feel suffocated. The boy's tone was urgent and full of expectation.

I looked into his eyes, and they were filled with despair, but hidden within that despair was a glimmer of hope. Was he afraid of being disappointed again?

I looked at the handsome young man with a puzzled expression. He was calling me "Mom"? This way of addressing me made me doubt myself. If I hadn't said it myself, no one in this era would call me that.

When he called me "Mom," I even had a hallucination, as if I saw Yijun standing there affectionately calling me "Mom."

So, who is he? Could it be that in my past memories, he was also one of the most important people? I tried hard to think, but my memories as Xie Weiying are really thin, as if a layer of cicada wings is covering up many truths. I can't see what is hidden on the other side.

Looking at his sorrowful face, I cautiously asked, "Should I get to know you?"

I don't know why, but I can't be as indifferent to him as I am to those other people.

Upon hearing my words, he staggered backward, almost unable to support himself, and fell backward.

"How could you forget... How could you even forget Shao Shao... They were right... You really forgot, you forgot everything..." His expression seemed to suddenly collapse, and I felt a pang of pain in my heart. Looking at his pale face and the emptiness in his eyes, I wanted to go over and help him, but I couldn't bring myself to take that step...

Should I remember you? I asked myself.

But... all I got in response was a blank in my mind. I used to think that losing some memories was insignificant to me, but now, seeing the heartbroken and pained expressions of the people I had forgotten and who were once so important to me, I suddenly realized that when I was hurt, so many others were hurt along with me.

It turns out that I've never been alone.

I looked at him and whispered, "I'm sorry." Soon, seeing his pale face, I continued to comfort him, "Don't worry, I'll remember everything soon, you don't need to be so sad."

He glanced at me, then suddenly gave a cold smile, a smile so full of blood and tears that I could almost feel it. So helpless, so heartbreaking.

He stood there quietly, gazing at me, as if trying to see through the autumn waters, as if trying to sever the River of Oblivion that always flowed between us, as if wanting to dwell in the depths of my soul…

“Even if your mother forgets Shao Shao, Shao Shao will still always stay by her side. Never again,” he paused painfully, “never again will I let my mother cry alone without anyone by her side, never again will I let her be all alone in the dark with no one to turn to for help, never again will I let my mother choose to leave in such despair, never again will I let my mother get hurt… never again…” His resolute face was full of seriousness and devotion. It was as if he was making a permanent promise to her.

He would never forget the heartache and regret he felt when he rushed into that dark, damp place with the man who had hurt her, seeing her curled up alone in a corner, silent and lifeless. What nearly drove them to despair was that they finally realized the extent of her suffering beneath her white dress and serene smile. Her fingers were mangled and bloodied, severed by someone. Yet, on stage, she played with such indifference and composure, as if nothing had happened… Beneath her white dress was a tattered, long-worn white garment, stained with dark red blood, her body covered in countless wounds, all raw and bleeding, staining her white clothes crimson. He said nothing, asked nothing of them, and continued to play silently before the crowd, singing the final song she had already decided upon.

She had already chosen to do this, choosing to leave alone. Yet, quietly, like a bewitching poppy, she bloomed in everyone's hearts, leaving behind an exquisitely beautiful white silhouette.

She broke their hearts, made them bleed, shattered them, and then she herself left.

However, they still feel guilty, guilty for not taking good care of her since they were by her side. So, he will not do it again, and will never let something that he will regret for the rest of his life happen again.

Sima Zhao silently gazed at her clear eyes, then suddenly dragged his body, weakened by longing for her, to her side. Before she could react, he opened his arms, giving her a large, warm embrace, and whispered softly in her ear, "Mom, welcome back. Shao Shao has waited so long for this day." To become stronger, to take the place of the man who hurt her—the high and mighty emperor—and to take good care of her in his place, he had, all these years, clung to hope, or perhaps some self-constructed fantasy he refused to believe, that she was not dead. She was indeed not dead, and had returned to his side. How wonderful, how wonderful.

"You are Xie Weiying, right? You are Shao Shao's mother, right?" After saying this, she seemed unable to confirm the answer herself, yet she forced herself to, and sighed softly.

Seeing him like this, I silently repeated the words I had just swallowed: I am just An Gengyi.

163. Exclusive Favor (Part Two)

"They came to see you?" Sima Rui asked with a slight smile.

I glanced at her sideways. He had to concern himself with this. "So what if they are? Didn't you banish them all from the palace less than a short while after they left Luoshuang Palace?" He was really strange. It was just that his new concubines couldn't stand him spending all his time with me, thinking I was the sole favorite, so they came to cause trouble. Wasn't that a perfectly normal thing? And yet, he inexplicably flew into a rage, banishing all the concubines who came to cause him trouble from the palace. They were all demoted to commoners.

This incident made my place in his heart known throughout the palace, and no one dared to disturb me anymore. Even in the Jin Kingdom, rumors began to circulate that their emperor had fallen in love with a woman who resembled Empress Zejin from years past… All sorts of rumors circulated, the versions so bizarre they were embarrassing. Some even said that the emperor's deep affection moved the heavens, so they sent a celestial maiden to replace the deceased woman and stay by his side. Others said I was a demon in disguise, and still others said I had possessed a body…

I don't care much about those things. What I do care about is that the once-bustling Frost Palace has returned to its original tranquility. I don't know why, but I think Xie Weiying chose to live in the Cold Palace for a long time because she wanted to be undisturbed, she wanted peace and quiet...

However, a chasm separates us, creating a subtle distance and a sense of estrangement. I don't remember him, not at all. And I feel nothing for anything he did. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Every time I ask him why he's so good to me, he always says calmly, "An Jin, you deserve all of that."

He didn't tell her that, in fact, since she left, since he thought she was dead, he had never touched another woman. Never again. Only once, when he encountered a palace maid named Jinniang, did he find himself unable to resist holding her as he fell asleep. Because, while holding her, he could openly call out "Jin..."; he could freely display his vulnerability and indulge himself in constantly missing her.

However, just a few days later, Jinniang was suddenly found drowned in the lake. Although he knew the truth, he had long since become indifferent to the rivalries among the women in the harem, and besides, that Jinniang was not Xiao Jin, she was not, so he would have no lingering feelings for her.

However, he made an exception and bestowed upon her the title of Beauty, and gave her a proper burial. Moreover, he ensured a secure life for her parents and brothers.

I looked at the calm, reserved, and silent man beside me. A strange look flickered in my eyes.

He tolerated my cold treatment, he allowed me to express my views and opinions in court, and many of them were adopted by him. He tolerated my malicious teasing and my willfulness in kicking him out every night.

I lied to him, saying I remembered many things. He didn't deny it, but I knew he knew I was lying, yet he willingly let me deceive him. I even felt that if I wanted his life, he would give it to me without hesitation. But I remained unmoved; I still couldn't… couldn't treat him well.

Aside from the occasional glimpse of sorrow and sadness hidden in his eyes, which caused a faint pang in my heart, that subtle and strange emotion... once captivated me, but more than anything, it left me with confusion.

"Xiao Jin..." he suddenly called out softly.

I turned my head and looked at him strangely, then replied, "Hmm?"

"Who is that person?" He hesitated for a moment before finally asking the question that had been hidden in his heart: "Can I know who that person is? Who is the person you would risk your life for?"

I was stunned for a moment, then realized he was talking about Yi Jun... I said calmly, "The most important person in my life."

His expression dimmed for a moment, but he quickly put on a bright smile.

"Then let me protect that person with my life. As long as it is anyone or anything that Xiao Jin cares about, I will care about what you care about with the same feeling."

“You…” I looked at him in shock; he didn’t actually have to do that.

"Xiao Jin, I'll take you somewhere." He smiled at me.

"good……"

Only when I arrived there did I begin to feel a sense of unease. I don't know why, but ever since he led me into that house, so different from the palace, my heart had been aching, and I was even sweating profusely. I seemed to have some bad memories of this place... or something? The further I went in, the more panicked I became. This place, this place, it felt so familiar, but I couldn't remember anything about it.

Jinyuan.

A pot of wine, a small boat, two people, chatting and laughing amidst the mountains and rivers, wandering freely between heaven and earth; enjoying the flowers in spring, bathing in the cool breeze in summer, gazing at the crescent moon in autumn, and watching the snow fall in winter...

A little red wooden house... A long bridge leading to the middle of the lake... Two people leaning on each other...

My mind was suddenly filled with chaotic images, my palms were sweating, and I felt dizzy. I shook my head vigorously, my head was throbbing, and my steps, which had been moving forward, faltered.

Sima Rui looked at Xiao Jin, who was weak and suddenly turned pale. He saw her steps falter and her expression change countless times. Seeing her in such pain, he felt a pang of heartache. However, he remembered Li Jiu's words: perhaps if he took her to places that held indelible memories for her, seeing those familiar scenes might help her remember.

Although he didn't say it aloud, he secretly thought he didn't mind. However, selfishly, he hoped she would remember him, even just a little bit, even if it was only her bad points or his cruelty. He still wanted her to remember him, because her indifference and her distance from him hurt him even more. He would rather she hate her and blame her than have her choose to forget him.

He steadied himself, forced himself to squeeze her soft, sweaty little hand, and then walked forward resolutely.

I felt a powerful force in my palm, a force that forced me, who had already chosen to retreat, to continue moving forward.

The journey has been incredibly difficult. I was almost completely exhausted. But I forced myself to face it and think about it. I hope I can remember it all, and then understand the hidden truth.

I followed him shakily up the wooden steps, and then, when we reached the door, he looked at me with concern at my pale face. I gave him a forced smile, and then he pushed open the door.

Because I didn't care, because I thought I was capable, I thought nothing could move me...

But when I saw everything in the room, and the portrait of that strange yet familiar boy...

Every lifelike expression and every indifferent yet captivating smile of these various stunningly handsome young men...

Suddenly, it felt like a heavy blow to my head, like a cauldron weighing a ton pressed down on my nerves. I couldn't breathe, my vision blurred, and I felt as if my soul had left my body...

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt so much... It hurts so much, it hurts so much...

I looked up and shouted at him from the side, but I couldn't hear or see him. He smiled, a smile of relief... My heart was blind, my eyes were blind, and my ears were deaf...

A powerful vortex of darkness suddenly swept into my mind. I couldn't escape it, so I gave a strange, chuckling laugh, and then my body fell straight backward...

164. Exclusive Favor (Part 3)

The meetup has ended. I'm a little reluctant to leave. Although not many people attended, I'm already very, very grateful. Everyone had a great time chatting, thank you to everyone who went. Thank you. And thank you to everyone who supported Yueyue behind the scenes. However, a small incident happened that really embarrassed Yueyue—Yueyue's internet speed was too slow to answer everyone's questions. Fortunately, everyone didn't mind. Thank you everyone. Thank you. Yueyue is very touched. Those who are interested can also visit the event. Yueyue will check the comments.

"What exactly do you want?" the alluring man in red asked coldly. He was too beautiful, too otherworldly; his skin was so pale it was almost translucent, and the blue veins beneath his long, slender fingers were clearly visible. His beauty surpassed that of a woman. A black eye patch embroidered with lotus flowers clung to his face, yet it did nothing to diminish his beauty; on the contrary, it made him even more alluring, like a poppy swaying in the wind. An elderly man dressed as a servant in grey stood there quietly, expressionless, silently watching him for a long time. Finally, he said nothing and silently left. A terrible scar ran down his throat, looking strange and eerie in the night. His temples were graying, and the wrinkles on his face revealed the hardships and past he had endured.

The man in red, with an air of aloofness and stubbornness, stared at his retreating figure and said coldly, "If you dare to hurt her, I will not let you go. Even if that person is you, I will not let you go." After saying this, he seemed to weaken, coughing violently in the wind, and a trace of crimson appeared at the corner of his mouth.

The old man paused, but ultimately said nothing. However, a slight change appeared in his expression.

Even if I see you, even if I receive your punishment, even if you blame me, even if you forgive me for the rest of your life, a woman who exists in this world like a demon must never remain. Moreover, she hurt you so much, ignored you so completely. Watching you almost die for her, yet she remained cold-blooded and heartless, not even glancing at you. You shouldn't have fallen in love with such a cold-hearted woman, but it's too late. So, let me sever the emotional ties that bind you in this world.

The old man closed his eyes, silently withdrew, and disappeared into the night.

The man in red, his body too weak to hold on any longer, leaned against the wall, his hands braced against it, and coughed violently.

I'm still as useless as ever. I thought I was a genius, but I'm already this weak after just breaking a curse.

Moreover, he couldn't help but touch the scar on his chest. She had one in the same spot. He wondered what she was doing at that moment, and if she was alright.

But thinking of her indifference and aloofness, the man in red gave a bitter smile. This was all his own doing; he had no one to blame but himself.

He looked up at the spot where the old man had disappeared. For so many years, he had remained silent, enduring everything. He should believe that the old man wouldn't actually do it.

Otherwise, even if he is the most important person in his life, he still cannot forgive him.

In the darkness, the man in red clenched his fists, his magnificent red robes stained crimson from his cough. The specks of blood, like fallen petals, made his snow-white face appear even more alluring and bewitching.

Dazzling red, radiant red, passionate red, red that almost illuminates the world… Red, yet also the loneliest and most aloof color. Is this the image of him, lost in longing? He is destined, like this red robe… to die in obscurity… He closed his eyes in despair. Unexpectedly, after countless spells cast throughout his life, he was ultimately consumed by a love curse, forever unable to feel love. Each time he did, he suffered excruciating pain, and the curse could never be broken. Because that person would never love him, never.

To break the love curse, the person he loves must also love him deeply. Then, he must use her blood to water a mandala. The day the mandala blooms is the day he can pick it and consume it to break the curse.

But... he smiled sadly. How could that person possibly fall in love with her and then willingly water the datura with her blood for him?

The old man, who hadn't left, watched him silently from the shadows, observing his pain and blood, his eyes growing even colder. He had already suffered too much; he would never allow anyone to hurt him again.