Now that the King of Hell has a lot of dirty work to do, the celestial realm is looking for someone to take the blame. It seems like they have no choice but to do it, otherwise it would just become a case of "Why do people do this and I do that?"
I pretended to be hesitant and said, "Do you have any budget for activities? Let's get a few hundred million to spend first. Since it's a 'fairyland,' I should at least get a couple of ladies in cheongsams, and a few cranes or something, right?"
I thought the old charlatan would readily agree; in other transmigration stories, things like money and beautiful women are just insignificant props. But this despicable old charlatan actually said, "I don't care about those things. The Immortal Realm was testing you; figure it out yourself. Also—those people have seen it all, so don't bother with them. If you agree, I'll bring your first client back tonight."
"But I..."
"Because this is a deal: you settle their problems, and they make you an immortal. So, from now on, we'll call these people clients. You can agree or not. If you don't agree..." The old charlatan pulled out his sunglasses and put them on, then took out the pen-like object, "I'll shine a light on you. But let me warn you beforehand: this thing isn't very effective; it might make you forget a lot of things, including your last name, your parents, whether you're male or female, etc..."
"You might as well say I've become an idiot!"
The old charlatan looked up and thought for a moment, then said, "Yes, you summarized it very accurately..."
I pointed my finger at the old charlatan and told him righteously, "As an ordinary person, it is only right for me to do something for the immortal realm. How can you doubt my resolve?"
That's how it happened. As the old charlatan was leaving me, he said, "Don't call me 'old charlatan' anymore. My name is Liu Laoliu. Also, I'll bring your client over tonight..."
Then, Liu Laoliu led a tall, strong man dressed like a country bumpkin to me and introduced him, saying, "This is Jing Ke."
...
Chapter Two: Jing Ke
Before the story unfolds fully, I need to introduce myself (I'm writing in the first person, so what?). My name is Xiao Qiang, and I'm 27 years old. Before I was 15, I used this rather ordinary name for many years. With the popularity of the movie "Flirting Scholar" and the appearance of that amazing cockroach, I got a new name: Xiao Qiang (Little Strong).
Don't think I'm an unemployed bum. Strictly speaking, I'm a manager (managers are as common as hairs on a cow, so the measure word should be "条"). I manage a pawnshop.
What? There are no pawnshops now? That just shows how ignorant you are. Actually, they're right here in your city; if you look carefully, you might find one in some nook or cranny. Of course, the idea of exchanging a tattered garment for a string of coins is out of the question. In fact, we don't even accept designer brands like Versace and Armani. Our most welcome pawn items are cars and property deeds, and of course, old gold and silver and antiques are also welcome. This pawnshop is called "Jihao," and our boss's surname is Hao. Ever since the publication of "Pawnshop No. 8," my pawnshop has had a nickname: Number Several (Hao Jihao) Pawnshop.
Modern pawnshops, of course, can't have the towering counters of the past. In fact, their decor is modeled after real estate sales offices: a spacious living room with a crystal glass table displaying a computer screen, surrounded by leather sofas. Except for the lack of models, it's exactly the same as a real estate sales center. In this environment, everyone can maintain a calm and composed demeanor, even though you might already know before you entered that we're making money through dishonest means.
I haven't seen Boss Hao for the past six months. He gave me an account with 200,000 yuan and hasn't shown up since. In the latter half of last year, I only closed one deal: pawning an 80% new Passat for 60,000 yuan. The profit from that deal was just enough to cover my hardware expenses for the year. As for my wages—1,400 yuan a month—Boss Hao had to cover them. Nobody knows what this old fox is up to, but according to industry insiders, he's never made a losing deal.
I'm both the manager and the only employee of this pawnshop. Actually, I have a deputy manager named Lao Pan, a 45-year-old man who specializes in appraising antiques. I've only met him twice since I've known him. The first time was when I was having dinner with Boss Hao, and the second time was when I asked him to examine a banknote supposedly from the Republic of China era. Lao Pan glanced at it and left, saying to me at the door, "If anyone else brings in ghost money to be appraised as a Republic of China banknote, just call the police..."
This is roughly my situation. My pawnshop is located on a very quiet street, and I do nothing every day. I never expected that something would happen and cause such a stir. I've actually become a god-like figure, and I even have to serve customers who have traveled through time to my shop.
Just as I was starting to prepare myself, the first client Liu Laoliu brought me was none other than Jing Ke.
As I said, Xiao Jing is about 1.77 meters tall, very strong, and wearing a coarse cloth open-front shirt. The funniest thing is that he has astigmatism: when one of his eyes is looking at you, the other eyeball looks like it's hidden in his temple.
That's not surprising; they're assassins, after all, they need to be able to see in all directions.
This is the story of Jing Ke, who, before assassinating the King of Qin, sang a mournful hip-hop song by the Yi River, with Gao Jianli playing the drums for him as he left—quite a sight! Unfortunately, Jing Ke's skills were lacking, and he was soundly beaten by the King of Qin. Enraged, Jing Ke spread his legs and made a sexually suggestive gesture towards the King of Qin. (The above excerpt is from Chapter N, Section 2 of "A Thousand Years of Historical Anecdotes": Jing Ke's Assassination of the King of Qin, edited by Zhang Xiaohua.)
After seeing Jing Ke off, Liu Laoliu took a taxi and left.
Jing Ke seemed still reeling from his defeat, appearing dull-witted and uninterested in anything new. Looking down at his feet, he said, "So you're the master of 'Fairyland'? Give me a house, and I'll call you for the rest when I remember."
Well…accommodation isn’t a problem. There are two rooms and a storeroom above the pawnshop, and my girlfriend Baozi and I took one. I led Jing Ke upstairs, and he sat on the floor dumbfounded, muttering, “Why…why…”
I closed the door and stepped outside, only to find my legs drenched in sweat: from this moment on, I had embarked on a journey to immortality, and my first "client" was none other than Jing Ke, the greatest assassin of all time. I glanced at the wall clock; my girlfriend, Baozi, would be getting off work soon.
I told you guys I'm really unlucky. How many male protagonists in time-travel novels have you seen who already have a girlfriend from the start? Even if they do, she's probably stunningly beautiful, right?
Baozi's surname is Xiang, and her full name is Xiang Baozi. Her father is the kind of old accountant who wears thick glasses and army green arm sleeves. He hopes that his daughter will grow up to be a glorious people's teacher, with students all over the world, like a spore plant...
The only advantage this name brought to Baozi was that Miss Xiang Baozi looked a lot like a steamed bun. She worked at a steamed bun shop just across the street from me, specifically as a greeter. Their shop sold a type of soup dumpling that was very famous locally. Baozi used to be responsible for carrying plates, and whenever customers called out, "Baozi!"—Baozi would instinctively turn around, and then either break a plate or smash a bowl. Finally, the manager had to transfer her to the door as a greeter—this can only be explained by the fact that their manager was a good person; he couldn't possibly have any improper thoughts about Baozi, because I knew their manager was a man who was afraid to go home alone after watching "The Ring"—he definitely didn't have that kind of courage!
If you were to ask me why I fell in love with Baozi, it would definitely be a beautiful mistake. One afternoon, without bothering anyone (sounds familiar?), I was walking innocently down the street when a woman with an absolutely perfect figure appeared before me—that woman was Baozi. Then, Baozi, this paradoxical woman, piqued my curiosity. On a night with ulterior motives, after we had admired Mutou Ran, Ozawa, Toyomaru, and Kuroki Kaori together, she brutally took me. In the most ecstatic moment, with something in her mouth, she sobbed and asked me, "What am I to you?"
I straightened up, looking as if in excruciating pain, and said, "Wife!"
That's the whole story.
Baozi will be back soon, what should I tell her?
Darling, I'm about to become an immortal! Jing Ke is right upstairs from us!
Thinking of this, I hurriedly ran upstairs, found a set of clothes, and gave them to Jing Ke, lying that everyone who went to the "Fairyland" had to change clothes according to the rules. But this guy ignored me and was still dazed, saying, "Why...why..."
I knew this guy had a bad temper. He'd been an assassin his whole life, and his greatest achievement was not killing a single person; his frustration was understandable. I had no choice but to say loudly:
Don't you think you're too short?
Jing Ke was startled and looked up at me, asking, "Where am I short? Does this have anything to do with being short?"
I was so angry! How could people in ancient times be so perverted? I shouted, "Your sword is too short!"
Jing Ke suddenly pulled out a short sword with a bluish-green hairpin from his robes: "Oh, I thought you were talking about my hair..."
Chapter Three: Enemies are destined to meet.
Jing Ke placed the sword on the table, then made a gesture as if drawing it from a map scroll and thrust it at me. I quickly jumped back two meters—I knew that sword; it was bought by Prince Dan of Yan from the master swordsmith Xu for a hundred gold pieces, and it was coated with deadly poison. It seems those two scoundrels, Jing Ke and Prince Dan, even experimented with this sword. If Jing Ke had been the one wielding it, then that unfortunate soldier might have been the only person he ever killed.
Jing Ke stared at me, who was perfectly fine, for a long time before suddenly realizing, "So it was too short!"
I roared, "Are you fucking crazy? If you were long enough, I would have killed you long ago!"
Jing Ke, however, didn't care about my attitude. He shouted with ecstasy, "So it's because I'm too short!" Later, I added a sentence to each end of that sentence and sold it to a company that distributed aphrodisiacs.
Just then, there was a sound on the stairs; Baozi had finished get off work. I hurriedly threw the clothes on Jing Ke's head and said, "Brother Jing, change first, I'll come back later to discuss the length issue with you."
Jing Ke was sitting on the ground when he saw me leaving. He looked up at the sky at a 45-degree angle and stretched out one hand, I don't know what he wanted to say. I ignored him, and as soon as I stepped out of the house, I ran into Baozi. I casually closed the door.
Baozi was carrying groceries. She was a very capable woman, possessing the frugality of someone from a modest family and a vigorous sex drive befitting her age. As long as I didn't see her face, I genuinely loved her.