I looked at them and asked, "You just came here like this in broad daylight?"
Liu Laoliu said, "I specially drove my motorcycle all the way from Film and Television Road, because they're filming a period drama there."
Hua Mulan smiled and looked me over: "Xiao Qiang, right? What's your ethnicity?"
I squatted awkwardly on the chair and said, "Han Chinese."
Mulan, holding her helmet in one hand and stroking her chin with the other, said, "Just like me. Do I have to sit like you?"
Liu Laoliu whispered to me, "Mulan has always interacted with ethnic minorities in the surrounding areas and pays close attention to their etiquette."
I stammered, "You...you can sit however you like." Mulan thought I was just being polite, so she copied me and crouched down on the sofa like a wolf.
Liu Laoliu said, "Then you two talk. Xiaoqiang, take good care of Mulan. She's a girl who's suffered so much outside for so many years. She may not say it, but she must feel so wronged inside."
Hua Mulan squatted on the sofa and said, "Brother Liu's words are too biased..."
After Liu Laoliu left, we just squatted there, staring at each other. After a long while, I managed a dry laugh and tried to start a conversation: "Mulan, how old are you—I mean, your actual age."
Hua Mulan thought for a moment and said, "I joined the army in place of my father at the age of 17 and fought 12 battles. You can calculate it yourself."
Was Mulan's math worse than mine? But I soon realized that women throughout history have never wanted others to know their age, just like women today who only vaguely mention being born in the Year of the Rat when they can't hide it anymore. Since we're both born in the Year of the Rat, you can guess whether it's 24 or 36.
At 29 years old, she was considered extremely old for a young woman in ancient times, especially. No wonder Mulan didn't say it directly.
I quickly said, "Then I have to call you 'sister'—you look like you're 18, you're not kidding me, are you?" I casually complimented her, but Hua MM really did look very young.
Mulan smiled radiantly: "No, I never lie." It seems that praising a woman's youth wasn't common back then, so this flattery pleased our heroine greatly. However, I'm skeptical of her claim that she never lies; it seems she told a colossal lie when she was only 17.
I glanced at Mulan in her full military uniform and could only sum it up in one word: Cool! The full armor made her look incredibly dashing. Actually, you could tell from her hands that Mulan wasn't particularly tall, and her long, flowing hair gave her a kind of androgynous beauty. Yes, possessing a woman's kind and gentle nature while simultaneously having a man's strength and decisiveness—that's what androgynous beauty is. A man with feminine features, all coy and awkward, is called a sissy; these days, it's called a cross-dresser…
When we watch TV shows and movies, it seems like all a woman doing male disguise is putting her hair up and everything's fine; she doesn't need to worry about things like eyeliner, foundation, or red lipstick. There are only two ways she'll be exposed: her hat gets knocked off or she gets groped. We can only interpret this as the director's subtle manipulation. We can't underestimate the intelligence of people in ancient times; they were just as quick to spot things that modern people can easily see. Xiang Yu told me that they already had the trick of throwing a wallet on the street for you to pick up and then scamming you out of money back then…
So the pretty girl in front of me, if she didn't say so herself, would look like a slightly effeminate but handsome military officer. Years of disguise have given her a keen understanding of men, both in appearance and psychology. Sitting (squatting) there, she exudes an imposing and commanding presence.
I hesitated for a moment before saying, "Sister Hua, how about we take a shower and change our clothes first?"
Mulan jumped to the ground and said, "Let's go."
That startled me. Although Hu Sanniang came from a bandit background, she was still a complete woman, both outwardly and inwardly, just a bit shrewish; Tong Yuan was skilled in martial arts, and when not in a position of weakness, she was like a refined young lady. I've never seen such a decisive and efficient woman before.
I led the way, and Mulan followed behind me. Every time we went up a flight of stairs, the plates made a rustling sound, which made my heart itch.
Upstairs, only Qin Shi Huang is there. While changing clothes, I started to worry again: what kind of outfit should I find for Hua MM? Baozi's clothes are in the closet, but you know, women's clothes can be simple, but also quite complicated. This whole outfit, from the inside out, do you expect me to demonstrate for her? I only know how to take things off, not put them on!
Or should we just throw it at her and let her figure it out herself? That's what Li Shishi did back then; although she wore her bra on the outside, nothing too serious happened. But Li Shishi has seen it all; she understands things at a glance. Mulan spent half her life on the battlefield—isn't this making things difficult for her?
After thinking for a while, I finally led her to my bedroom and took out a shirt and jeans from the closet. Needless to say, everyone understood. I gestured for her to make herself at home. Mulan handed me the helmet, smiled sweetly at me, and reached for the scarf around her neck. I quickly left the bedroom, closing the door behind me, my heart pounding. Now I finally understood why I felt itchy earlier—this was true uniform fetish!
It's well known that nurses, policewomen, and female soldiers often evoke special fantasies in men, especially the latter two. Perhaps women in these professions particularly satisfy a man's desire for conquest. To subdue a woman stronger than oneself… this is probably the most primal urge of all male animals.
However, there's another point: the policewomen and female soldiers we (wolves) usually see in videos are all actresses in costume. You don't have to lift a finger; they just sit on the bed and start getting horny. There's no challenge at all. Watching them is not as good as watching female Nazis or Kuomintang female spies in feature films.
I've always believed that true uniform allure includes two elements: first, the person wearing the uniform, and second, the person subduing the person in the uniform. Allure, of course, requires the drive of self-interest and the thrill of adventure, like picking up girls in a Thai bar.
Okay, let's get back to the topic of uniform fetish. Right now in my bedroom, there's a female general undressing. How can that not get my heart racing? And she's a real female general, the kind who's been on the battlefield and killed people!
Of course, this last point calmed me down a lot. Now that I have the uniform, if I rush in again, I'll have to subdue her... cough cough, what I want to say is that uniform fetishes don't really suit me. I still prefer elementary school teachers, pianists, and baozi shop doormen.
Chapter Three: I Want to Be a Woman
A short while later, Mulan emerged, adjusting her robes. Her armor and sword were neatly folded and placed at the head of the bed. She said with her head down, "These clothes are not bad, but the buttons are a bit hard to fasten."
I put her helmet and armor together on top of the cabinet—they reminded me of Jing Ke's sword and the Overlord's armor. Now I'm like a leech, I don't care anymore. Anyway, someone's already got their eye on her, so take it or leave it.
I turned around and couldn't help but chuckle. It turned out Mulan had buttoned all the buttons on her shirt backwards. Normally, you tuck the buttons into the buttonholes, but she'd flipped the buttonholes inside out, covering the buttons. I guess that's more in line with their dressing habits back then? Did they even have buttons back then?
"You've tied it backwards." As I said this, I touched my chest to point it out to her, only to realize that I was wearing a T-shirt.
"It's upside down? How did you do that?" Mulan looked down and fiddled with it, seeking my help.
I instinctively reached out to help her, but immediately pulled back: Mulan wasn't wearing anything underneath this shirt. If she unbuttoned a few buttons, she would be exposed. Mulan is a woman, after all. What if she gets shy and kills me?
I had no choice but to pick up another piece of clothing with buttons and demonstrate for her: "Look, it's like this..."
Mulan suddenly realized, "No wonder it was so hard to button!" She casually turned her back and rebuttoned it. I glanced at her; Mulan wasn't particularly tall, but she was slender. Years of fighting had kept her in excellent shape, and she still looked like a healthy young woman. Even without her military uniform, Mulan still exuded a refreshing and crisp charm. Wearing a loose men's shirt, she had a unique allure.
Hua Mulan changed her clothes and casually squatted down on the sofa. I, exasperated, said, "Sister Hua, you have hemorrhoids too?"
"Hemorrhoids?" Mulan asked casually.
"Nine out of ten are men, and you... oh, you're a woman," I said. "I keep forgetting."
Unexpectedly, these words seemed to strike a nerve with Mulan. She sighed softly and said, "Where can I take a bath here?"
I led her to the bathroom. I filled the bathtub with water first, then taught her how to use the showerhead. While I reached over to get her some shower gel, Mulan grabbed a toothbrush, tapped it against the wall, and asked, "How much water can this hold?"
I said, "Just use it without worry, it'll keep washing your skin off non-stop."
I placed the shower gel and shampoo in front of her, showed her how to use them, and said, "You go ahead and wash, then I'll show you around. Liu Laoliu told you, right? This isn't some kind of fairyland."
Hua Mulan nodded and said, "I know all that. If it were the Immortal Realm, I wouldn't have come here. Is that fat guy in the house across the street sick? Why is he talking to himself?"
I said, "The one who's sick isn't here. I'll introduce you to Fatty in a bit."
I had just stepped out of the bathroom when I heard the sound of a body being immersed in the bathtub—the door wasn't even locked! Sister Mulan's manly style is too strong.
I walked up to Qin Shi Huang's door and said to him, "Brother Ying, don't go to the toilet for a while." I was afraid he would see something he shouldn't and be shocked. Hua Yingxiong seemed to have little respect for China's first emperor.