Un joven errante

Capítulo 14

Life is an illusion. Even knowing it's impossible, even knowing we can't have it, we still can't help but fantasize and pray.

Volume 1, Chapter 23: Jing Caiwei

"Xie Yushi, you actually sent Yingying to the palace while I was away. How could you be so heartless as to send her into those palace walls where she can never turn back?"

"...Xie Yushi, Ranran won't blame you, but I will blame you for her; Ranran won't hate you, but I will hate you for her. I regret it so much, I regret it so much..."

"I will find my Yingying. I will search for her to the ends of the earth. You will never see her again in this lifetime..."

Sang Qin could hardly believe it was all true. The rise of Yi Zhu had caused panic throughout the martial world, and so much had happened in just a few months since she'd left. She knew she'd decided to do it long ago, but hadn't told him anything. That silly girl, she'd really gone too far; this joke had really crossed the line.

No wonder she asked him when he left, "Old man, what if you come back and can no longer find the old me?"

In that case, he would keep his promise to her: "No matter where you are, I will find you."

I still remember that year, when the young and promising Sang Qin, like a noble god, said to me, "Since Ranran has chosen you, then I will not take her away today. But you must treat her well. That puts my mind at ease."

However, Ranran died tragically while he was away from home, and there was no way to seek justice for her, simply because it was all part of a dark family power struggle. Ranran became a victim because of his well-known favoritism. Now, he had pushed her daughter into that bottomless vortex.

Not only will Sang Qin not forgive him, but he himself will not be able to forgive himself either.

Is this God's punishment for him?

He paid the price with two beloved women.

"Miss, the swing is tied up."

"Is that so?" I glanced at it indifferently, a hint of disinterest in my eyes. Ugh, I'm so bored. What's the point of swinging?

"Yunying, you can play by yourself. I'm going to sleep a little longer." After saying that, she closed her eyes again and lazily fell asleep. This bamboo mat is really comfortable.

Three months have passed since I entered the palace. Time really flies. Everything that happened outside the palace seems so far away, so far that it seems I can never go back.

I remember the day I entered the palace. Because of the patriarch's influence, the whole family gathered together with unusual enthusiasm to send me off, but my third brother never showed up. I knew he must be very angry to have a sister like me who didn't care about her own fate. Actually, it didn't matter to me where I went. But how could he understand?

Looking at the patriarch's somewhat forced smile, I recalled the words he had spoken to me in his study.

"We've already made all the arrangements for your entry into the palace. You just need to keep an eye on the other young ladies who are entering with you, and if necessary, use some methods to prevent them from gaining favor. In short, your only task is to help your aunt ascend to the throne as Empress. Although the four great families have repeatedly petitioned the Emperor to appoint an Empress, he has rejected our petitions time and again for various reasons. Nobody knows what the Emperor is thinking, and we, as his subjects, cannot presume to guess his intentions. You just need to do what you're supposed to do."

For the first time, he looked at me seriously and said, "Ying'er, you must know that the four great families are now rivals in the court, their power evenly matched. Whichever family's woman is made empress will have more power than the others and truly become the sole ruler. This is a matter of life and death for our entire family."

I rolled my eyes inwardly. What the hell does the life or death of this family have to do with me? Damn it! I was so annoyed I blurted out all the swear words I'd used in public.

I said coldly, "I will do whatever you ask of me. My only request is that no one is allowed to set foot in Qulan Garden until I return." I knew that once I entered the palace gates, any talk of returning would be a lie, but I would rather leave my beloved place in ruins than allow anyone to pollute it.

He stared at her for a long time with a complicated expression, then nodded.

Before we young ladies-in-waiting entered the Chuxiu Palace, we all received etiquette training in a secluded mansion. It was there that I met the only little sister among these family women whom I had known since childhood who caught my attention. Her name was Yu Ya. She was the third daughter of a concubine in the Yu family, and like me, she was a very unloved youngest daughter.

I remember once accompanying the patriarch to visit the Yu family (don't think I was being treated with special attention; it was because all the children in the family had been invited, and they didn't want to offend them, so they brought me along). Because those formal banquets were so boring, and since no one would care about my presence anyway, I didn't feel bad about it and secretly slipped away from that hypocritical place to wander around the Yu residence.

Actually, this courtyard is similar to the Xie Mansion, magnificent and grand, but it looks fake, all built with huge sums of money.

As I rounded a rockery, I saw several children, about my age, throwing stones at a slightly smaller girl. They were muttering things like, "Pig... Yu Ya is a pig..." Honestly, they were making such a big deal out of it. I didn't want to get involved, but those vile words just kept getting into my ears.

I walked over and gave them a cold glance. In truth, my small body posed no threat whatsoever, let alone the cold smile playing on my lips.

"Who's the pig!" I said casually. When they all noticed my presence and turned to look at me, I looked at the slightly older, prettier little girl who seemed to be the leader of the group and said, "Are you saying you're the pig?"

She glared at me fiercely and said angrily, "Are you blind? I'm not a pig!"

I inwardly scoffed at her. Looking at her arrogant and domineering manner, she was just another example of the eldest daughter-in-law bullying the concubine's child in a wealthy, powerful family. Seriously, can't we change the plot a bit?

I stared wide-eyed innocently and muttered to myself, "Oh, so your name is 'Pig Yeah, right'."

"You—" she stammered, "I'd be a pig if I weren't!"

I pretended to pick my ear and laughed, "Excuse me, could you speak louder? I can't hear you."

Her face flushed red, and she cried out, "I'm not a pig, of course! I'm not a pig, of course!..."

The other children in the side rooms couldn't help but burst into laughter, but she held it in, fearing for them. Her face was flushed, like several ripe tomatoes shivering in the wind. I knew she was trembling from holding back.

I sighed helplessly, rubbing my forehead. "So, in the end, you really are a pig!" I sighed. "Wow, there are actually people in this world who admit to being pigs. I guess I'm just too naive. I'm impressed."

"You—" She looked at me with red eyes, then burst into tears and ran to find help. The other children, seeing which way the wind was blowing, also ran off one after another.

I know, of course, that spoiled girl has never suffered such injustice before; this little lesson is enough to keep her quiet for a while. Sigh, why must all the adults' struggles affect the next generation?

However, if I had known Yu Qiang's—that is, this little girl's—fate in the future, I would never have taught her a lesson today.

"Hey, are you alright?"

I gently nudged the little girl, still sitting on the ground, with my toe, signaling her to get up. But—

"Mind your own business!" came a low growl, like the barking of some thorny animal.

I cursed myself three times in my mind for meddling in other people's business again, then calmed myself down and took a deep breath to stabilize my fluctuating emotions.

Laughing, I said, "You ungrateful little brat, you don't want me to take care of you, but I'm determined to do it today." I grabbed her arm and pulled her up without any politeness, saying disdainfully, "Look at you, all dirty, like that little kitten someone threw away in my back alley. Get up!"

She lifted her dirty little face, seemingly frightened by my fierce look, staring at me with the panic of a kitten. Her eyes were brimming with tears, but she stubbornly refused to let them fall. Yes, a stubborn child.

I used my finger to lift her pointed chin. "What, do you have a problem with that?"

Her eyes blazed with anger, but she instantly suppressed it, transforming into a humble and submissive demeanor. Hmph, this little girl thinks she can outmaneuver me? Such a good disguise.

I shoved her to the ground and said disdainfully, "That little bastard from the concubine is good-for-nothing and incompetent."

She abruptly raised her head, her expression filled with humiliation and resentment. After a long silence, she gritted her teeth and said, "Don't call me that little bastard from my concubine's side."

Hehe, I chuckled softly. See, you couldn't hold back anymore after all.

"So what if I'm a concubine? My mother was a concubine too, and I'm still alive and well. What, do you feel insulted by this status? You little brat, your mother was already doing a great job giving birth to you in such difficult circumstances, and you still want to complain. Instead of working hard to become stronger and being grateful to your mother, you're here complaining about everything. Are you looking for a beating?"

She stared at me, speechless. Her expression was blank, as if she hadn't yet come to her senses.

Looking at her silly expression, I chuckled. "People live for themselves. You're not living for anyone else, so why care what others say? If anyone bullies you in the future, come to me secretly, and I'll teach you how to protect yourself."

Seeing that her spirit was still wandering, I went over and poked her forehead. "Oh dear, have I really made you stupid? My name is Xie Weiying, and I am the fourth young lady of the Xie family. If you need anything, look for me."

I waved to her and turned to leave.

She suddenly said from behind, "Sister, my name is Yu Ya."

Volume Two

Volume Introduction:

If one were to casually encounter an old friend, life would be but a fleeting dream, a solitary figure reflected in a startled glimpse. He is her, and she is him. But, does she love him or her?

Volume 2, Chapter 24, Gongmen Se

After the nuns finished their instruction to us, I unfortunately fell ill on election day.

This is how it happened that day, as others saw it.

The fourth young lady of the Xie family was so excited about the election the next day that she didn't sleep all night. As a result, when she woke up the next morning, her face was ashen, her appearance was haggard, and she had a fever. Her forehead was so hot that the imperial physicians who rushed over were so frightened that they broke out in a sweat. In the end, she couldn't even get out of bed.

Finally, as the appointed time approached, the fourth young lady, her hair disheveled, tugged at the head eunuch's trouser leg with a hoarse voice and pleaded, "Chief Eunuch Gao, I... I'm alright." She coughed a few times, covering her mouth, and continued with difficulty, "Please, let me go." Her voice was choked with sobs.

Gao Lu glared at the unfortunate woman, rudely pulled back his trouser leg, and said coldly, "Girl, you'd better rest. Once you've recovered, your time will come, and you'll naturally gain the Emperor's favor." After saying this, everyone present looked with pity at the beautiful woman who was weeping by the bedside, her tears falling like pear blossoms. Everyone knew that missing this selection meant missing all opportunities, and she would probably never see the Emperor again, let alone be favored. The Emperor replenished his harem with so many beauties each time; how could he possibly notice a woman whose whereabouts were unknown?

The woman lay there sobbing, her cries breaking the hearts of everyone present. Unable to bear watching any longer, the crowd quickly withdrew, closing the door behind them as they left.

It also concealed the lingering, eerie smile on the woman's exposed face.

My sudden illness caused quite a stir among the young ladies. Some were happy, some were sad. But Yunying was the one who was saddened by my lack of ambition. At most, Yuya felt sorry for me. And I, too, played along, putting on a sorrowful and dejected act for those arrogant young ladies to see.

Especially those few who were initially afraid I'd spoil their charm. I have to admit Xie Weiying is blessed with a beautiful face. As she grows older, she becomes even more beautiful and alluring, like a rosebud about to bloom—thorny yet inviting to be pricked. What's even more unique is that, despite possessing a thousand charms, she has an ethereal and otherworldly beauty, as if she doesn't belong to this world.

Among the many young ladies selected for the imperial concubine examination, Xie Weiying stood out the most, followed by Wang Dieyi from the Wang family, Huan Shuangshuang from the Huan family, and Yu Qiang from the Yu family.

Other women, whether beautiful, delicate, or charming, were of no use, because they had no family background to be proud of. Unless they later received special favor from the emperor, they could not compare with these women.

Later I learned that on the very night I feigned illness, Yu Qiang, the most favored concubine of the Yu family, inexplicably died that same night. Everyone here said she had passed away. Although the incident was very strange, no one investigated the truth; everyone remained silent, as if concealing something. This was the survival rule of the court: if you were out of favor, no one cared whether you lived or died. She was like a fleeting flower, vanishing without a trace.

Even now, I still remember the arrogant and domineering Yu Qiang in my memory. I saw her a few times during my training at the mansion. Each time she appeared, she was surrounded by maids and other obsequious daughters of officials. She stood there proudly and coldly, enjoying this queen-like treatment, like the sole axis. She often walked by with her head held high, like a proud peacock. Among all the young ladies-in-waiting, she and Wang Dieyi were the most prominent. She was arrogant and domineering; Wang Dieyi was haughty and cold, and some gossipy servants called her "Ice Beauty." It is said that they fought several times because they couldn't stand each other, and even their maids insulted each other. I think Wang Dieyi was secretly pleased by Yu Qiang's death. I try to keep a low profile, rarely leaving the house. Huan Wen's seventh sister, Huan Shuangshuang, appears gentle on the surface, but is actually quite shrewd; to outsiders, she seems like a kind-hearted person. She treated everyone kindly, and in less than two months, she had won over everyone around her. Everyone praised her virtue and beauty. I once heard Huan Wen mention this younger sister; although he didn't say anything, his disdain was quite evident. Huan Wen always disliked hypocrites, and this younger sister was said to have won over everyone in the Huan family, from the highest to the lowest. She was also Huan's most beloved daughter. Although she was only a concubine, she received more attention than the legitimate daughter. But it was said that Huan Shuangshuang especially adored her dashing sixth brother. Therefore, when she first met me, her expression was unfriendly. Although she quickly concealed it with a smiling face, I could see her hostility towards me. This was all thanks to the rumor that the sixth son of the Huan family was in love with the fourth daughter of the Xie family.

I have no intention of competing with these people for favor, so naturally I won't provoke them. But the thought of such a vibrant life disappearing so inexplicably leaves a tightness in my chest. Although I won't feel sad or grieve for those who are unrelated to me, I still remember the little girl who ran away crying after I made her angry. In the end, she was still just an immature child. Otherwise, why wouldn't she have concealed her true nature, thus inviting this fatal disaster?

Of the four most favored women, one fell ill and another died. Of the many women chosen for the imperial harem, only Huan Shuangshuang and Wang Dieyi were officially made concubines during the selection process. I think this wasn't just because of their outstanding looks and talents, but more so because of the four powerful clans they represented. If I hadn't fallen ill in time, I'd probably be one of them now. To joyfully accept everyone's flattery and fawning because of the favor of a man I'd never even met—wasn't I afraid of indigestion? I must say, this was a tragedy in ancient times.

I remember that day I had Yunying sneak away while the kitchen staff were away, and we feasted on some wine and meat in the room, thoroughly enjoying ourselves. Yesterday, to make this morning's performance more realistic, I starved myself all day, which created the illusion of weakness and cold sweats. Now, naturally, I had to make up for it. At noon, the ladies-in-waiting returned, and from afar, we could hear Wang Dieyi's smug laughter. We could also hear Huan Shuangshuang's humble and polite greetings. Of course, the flattering voices surged up like a never-ending river, almost drowning out the entire mansion.

Although I, as a disheartened person, dutifully enjoyed the food behind closed doors, those cloyingly sweet words almost gave me goosebumps all over. Passing by my room, the ever-arrogant Wang Dieyi naturally wouldn't miss such a perfect opportunity to kick me while I was down.

As Yunying and I were sharing a roast chicken, happily popping a chicken leg into my mouth, she said disdainfully, "Oh, isn't this our Sleeping Beauty in here? I wonder if she'll ever wake up."

I was startled and almost choked. She really has avant-garde ideas; she already knows about Sleeping Beauty! You know, this is a right of mine, a modern person from a thousand years in the future! And she just took it away from me like that.

I was annoyed for a moment, and Yunying thought I was angry about what she had said. She rolled up her sleeves, determined to rush out and get justice for me. I gently pulled her back and told her to sit down and eat her chicken leg. I told her that someone would naturally step in to play the good guy.

Sure enough, Huan Shuangshuang, who was standing next to her, said gently, "Sister, why don't you come and sit with your older sister? Sister Wei Ying missed out too, otherwise she would have received the favor as well."

After everyone praised Huan Shuangshuang for her kind heart, they all left, leaving me with a quiet courtyard.

Although I didn't appear in the election, I was still given the title of "Beauty" based on my little bit of fame—rumored to be so beautiful that fish sink and geese fall from the sky—and my status as the fourth young lady of the Xie family. They casually gave me a desolate, remote courtyard to fend for myself. I wondered if they were being too kind to me. Apparently, the youngest daughter of the Wang family who came with me also contracted a so-called sudden illness and was quickly sent away from the palace. But that's fine too; I've entered the palace, which fulfills my promise to the patriarch. I just hope he won't make things difficult for my second sister and Chen Ningyuan.

Since the day I agreed to enter the palace, I haven't seen Chen Ningyuan again. I don't know if he felt sorry for me, the unknown fourth young lady, or if it was the head of the family's order. In any case, he seems to have disappeared. My second sister came to Qulan Garden, crying and apologizing to me. She said a lot of things, but I was so upset by her tears that I didn't pay attention to what she was saying.

Actually, I still prefer the image of my second sister when I first met her—a virtuous, aristocratic, and classically beautiful woman. That noble and proud demeanor suited her status perfectly.

After I was made a concubine, my aunt, whom I had never met, saw that it was such an unworthy fellow as me who had entered the palace to help her ascend to the position of empress. She sent a few eunuchs with some gold and silver jewelry to send me away casually, and then ignored me completely.

And that's exactly the effect I wanted.

After I moved with my meager belongings and Yunying to my new residence—Jiunianxuan—it was located on the far left of Chuxiu Palace, near the edge of the palace, a secluded and dilapidated courtyard. However, with my skill in tidying up the room, I managed to turn what should have been a doghouse into a golden one.

Moreover, its remote location meant there was no outside interference, which made me especially happy. Yunying and I were back to the time when we first managed Qulan Garden.

The saying "to change course with the wind" perfectly describes my situation; only I know the true nature of things. Before entering Chuxiu Palace, while it wasn't exactly bustling with visitors, as the fourth young lady of the Xie family, the number of people who came to flatter and fawn over me was so high that I was amazed by their wealth. Now, after being given the title of "Beauty" and dismissed, all those who used to call me their "best friend" have become blind to my true nature, scattering like birds before I'm invisible. Only Yu Ya occasionally comes to Jiu Nian Xuan to see me, to talk and chat. In reality, I'm just a clueless, loyal spectator, listening to her complaints and resentful tales of vying for favor. Of course, how could I not know? These clichéd plots are shown in TV dramas every day; I'm bored.

Every time the topic turned to the underhanded tactics women used to vie for the emperor's favor, Yu Ya's face would light up with disdain and contempt. But no matter how much she pretended to be indifferent, I could see she was unhappy and resentful. Leaving aside her increasingly haggard appearance, her sunken eyes with their faint, dull rims couldn't lie. In the harem, filled with beauties of all shapes and sizes, Yu Ya, barely considered pretty, didn't possess much to attract an emperor surrounded by such women. Besides, men have always been lustful, just to varying degrees. So, Yu Ya, though unwilling to accept her fate as a concubine, was helpless. I couldn't help her. Furthermore, her stubborn nature and refusal to compromise her principles naturally prevented her from receiving the emperor's favor. I knew that, to this day, Yu Ya had never had the chance to be summoned to the emperor's bedchamber. Lacking the emperor's favor and burdened by her lowly status as a concubine, Yu Ya, though her family pinned their remaining hopes on her after Yu Qiang's death, was ultimately not their only option. Many wealthy but powerless daughters of officials were now seizing the opportunity to curry favor with the four high-ranking concubines in the palace, while Yu Ya, lacking resources and the ability to offer sweet words or flattery, had yet to find a powerful patron.

I know I am different from Yu Ya. I entered the palace out of necessity, and I never had any desire to compete for the emperor's favor. I only hoped to live a peaceful and uneventful life in the palace. Yu Ya, on the other hand, grew up amidst the ridicule of others and experienced the coldness and indifference of the world. Naturally, she entered the palace this time hoping to gain the emperor's favor, to rise above others, and to give her mother, who suffered so much humiliation at home, a place. With her protection, at least she would no longer be bullied by the matriarch, whom outsiders called the "Tiger Mother of the Yu Family."

She came to my place for lunch at noon, and said angrily, "Sister, those arrogant lackeys who take advantage of their master's power don't respect me at all and are bullying me. You really don't know, they see I'm not favored, so they don't even bring me lunch on time. Yesterday I was left there starving all day." She looked at me pitifully, clutching her flat stomach.

I chuckled and said gently, "If you don't mind how bad my cooking is, you can come here to eat often in the future."

Seeing her looking so worried all day, I sighed and said softly, "Ya Ya, you've brought those troubles on yourself. You'll feel much better if you don't care."

She looked at me and said softly, "Sister, I am not you, I cannot transcend everything."

Fine, fine, I'll help her this once.

After thinking it over, I casually remarked, "When you have free time, you might as well visit Consort Huan more often."