Un joven errante

Capítulo 42

“Xiao Jin, you are the Xiao Jin I’ve been looking for. You’ve been gone for so long. I worry every day that I’ll forget what you look like.” He said softly.

A thought flashed through my mind, but I still managed to evade the question with my words: "Aren't you annoying? I'm going to sleep, goodnight, young master." After saying that, I rushed into the room and slammed the door shut.

My back was pressed against the door, and I couldn't quite describe my feelings at this moment after meeting him. It was so chaotic. Seeing him made me even more confused, and hearing what he said made me even more confused.

I don't know when, but it became quiet outside the door, so quiet that you could even hear the chirping of insects. I think he must have left.

But—his voice suddenly came through, startling me.

"Whether you pretend not to know me, or you've truly forgotten me, let's get to know each other again. Xiao Jin, remember, my name is Sima Rui."

I blurted out reflexively, "Isn't his name Sima Langye?" As soon as I said it, I really wanted to tape my annoying mouth shut on the spot, but there was no such thing as tape in ancient times.

"I, I, I..." I tried to explain, but the more I explained, the worse it got. So I simply gave up and hung my head in dejection.

A low chuckle came from outside the door. It was very soft, but I still heard it. Thinking about my clumsy lie, my face flushed. Damn it, I'm a man now! What's there to blush about? Luckily, he can't see me.

He wanted to say something, but in the end he said nothing. He just stood outside my room for a long, long time, then sighed softly, "Goodnight, Xiaojin." And then he left.

He finally left. I collapsed to the ground, exhausted as if I had done a long day's hard work. I was so tired and wanted to sleep. If he hadn't left, I really would have fallen asleep against the door.

Volume 3, Chapter 79: Cause and Effect

"Why? I just want to know why you left, why you won't acknowledge me, why I can't find you?" The old man arranged for us to have tea alone at the Yiran Pavilion on Qiuyue Lake in the village. But before we even sat down, a barrage of "whys" almost overwhelmed me.

My thoughts are still lingering on the name of this pavilion, Yi Ran, Yi Ran, it sounds so familiar. Why am I so strangely sensitive to this name? Normally, I wouldn't be surprised by any poetic or literary name for a pavilion like this.

Yi Ran? Su Ranran? I think I've grasped the key point. Now, all that's left is to find that despicable old man and make him admit some facts I should know. For example, why would a martial arts practitioner like him know Xie Yushi, a high-ranking official in the imperial court? Why is he so kind to a disgraced fourth young lady of the Xie family? Was it really just a coincidence that he taught me martial arts? Why does he often stare blankly at my face, even though sometimes I'm dreaming or fast asleep? I know he stays by my side every night, stroking my face and gazing at me intently. ...Why? I have so many questions I want to know now. That old man dares to hide so many truths from me that I should know.

Just as the anger in my chest was about to explode, I finally stood up, ready to find the old man and find out the truth, when a hand grabbed me. I turned around in surprise and saw an injured face. Only then did I come to my senses and realize the purpose of my visit today.

"What are you doing? Two grown men, what's with all this pulling and tugging?" I awkwardly pulled my arm away from his grasp.

Sima Rui looked at me with a slightly dimmed gaze, and the atmosphere became somewhat strange.

"Why?" Only today did I realize how stubborn he was. If I had known this would happen, I shouldn't have provoked him in the first place. But I'm not a god, how could I have known he was the emperor?

I withdrew my hand and finally said calmly, "You are the emperor."

His expression was somewhat surprised: "How could that be? How did you know?"

I walked to the pavilion and gazed at the lotus flowers in the pond, each with its own unique shape and posture. I said, "When Sister Danyi left, she told me everything." I turned my head and stared at his face. What a handsome face he was, with strong lines, a firm chin, a high nose, sensual thin lips, and unfathomable eyes. "Including that you are the emperor and she is a princess of the Xianbei."

I lied. In fact, Sister Danyi only told me her identity: she was a princess of the Xianbei, that is, a princess of the Yan Kingdom. And some other things. When she talked about Brother Sima, she just looked at me with worry and said, "He is a man of noble status, Xiaojin. Promise me, leave him. I'm afraid that one day he will hurt you."

At that time, I didn't understand Sister Danyi's worries. It wasn't until I entered the palace, unexpectedly met him, and he truly hurt me, leaving my heart scarred, that I finally understood Sister Danyi's words and their meaning. I should have stayed far away from him long ago, but fate is strange; we always seem to meet, at the most unexpected times.

His voice was bitter: "Just because I am the emperor, you left me, is that it, Xiao Jin? Is that so?"

I replied calmly, "That's right."

"I do not understand."

“Of course you don’t understand,” I sneered. “I knew long ago that you and Sister Danyi were of extraordinary status, but I never expected… I, An Jin, come from a humble background. I’m just a small-time hoodlum who plays around in Jiankang City. I’m not worthy of you, nor am I qualified to be your brother.”

“Xiao Jin, I don’t care. I don’t care about the gap between us. Can’t we just be brothers, friends? I thought that if I hid it from you, you wouldn’t know, and everything would be fine. I was just afraid, afraid of scaring you away.” He seemed a little lost. Is this the person I met in the palace? There was no coldness in his voice, and even a hint of pleading. Which side of him is the real one? I was confused and dared not touch upon his various aspects anymore.

I suddenly knelt before him and said respectfully, "Your Majesty should return to the palace as soon as possible. There are many unruly people in this place, and accidents may happen. Your Majesty should take care of your own safety and consider the well-being of the people and the country of Jin."

Seeing my reaction, his expression turned cold, as if he couldn't accept it: "Xiao Jin, you—"

“Brother, this is the last time Xiao Jin will call you that,” I lowered my head deeply, lower still, until I couldn’t see the sorrow on his face, nor the unknown tears that suddenly welled up in the corners of my eyes. “I beg Your Majesty to forget the matter of our sworn brotherhood at Pengju Tower. This humble subject did not know that you were the Emperor and has offended you greatly. Please forgive me, Your Majesty.” After saying this, I turned away resolutely.

"Just because I'm the emperor, does everything change, Xiao Jin?" he asked me softly from behind, so softly that I thought I was hallucinating.

I nodded and said, "Yes." I suppressed a sob, "However, please rest assured, Your Majesty, Xiao Jin will always remember what she said that day, and she will do it." At the same time, that scene flashed through both of our minds: I had said to him with boundless pride, "Brother Sima, if you were the emperor, then Xiao Jin would give you all the wealth in the world." At that time, we were free from worldly constraints, free from the burdens of status. We had no reservations…

Sima Rui sat there blankly, watching Xiao Jin's departing figure. Why did it have to be this way? Couldn't finding him mean they could happily embrace and celebrate their reunion? Couldn't finding him mean everything could go back to the way it was before? Couldn't finding him mean he could resolutely abandon everything? Couldn't finding him mean he could watch him laugh happily every day, play and joke around with him? No…

Why is it like this? What's different? Is it because he didn't do well, or because he's the emperor? For the first time since birth, Sima Rui felt disgusted with the throne he had fought so hard for, disgusted with why he was an emperor, and disgusted with why Xiao Jin hated him.

But he always believed that Xiao Jin was different from everyone else in the world. Even knowing he was the emperor, she still dared to speak loudly to him, play with him, still dared to act coquettishly towards him, still dared to drink with him, recite poetry, and visit brothels with him. She still wasn't afraid of him, still wouldn't leave him. Was he wrong?

If I weren't Xie Weiying, then right now, even if you were the emperor, the Heavenly King, or a god, I wouldn't leave you, wouldn't disown you, and wouldn't sever all ties with you.

After leaving Yiranting, I went to Guanhuazhai to find the old man; perhaps he had something to say to me.

I pushed open the door and saw him standing there shirtless, seemingly changing clothes. I hadn't expected someone to barge in without knocking. He turned and stared at me in astonishment. I, however, felt no shame or desire to avoid him. Instead, I stared intently at his well-built physique. It was unbelievable how muscular he was, usually so thin and wiry in his long robes. His abs were clearly defined, and there wasn't an ounce of fat around his waist. Although his skin was fair, it lacked the gaunt, pale look of a typical pretty boy. I know my expression was far too unladylike, but I was dressed as a man, a man! What's so strange about a man looking at another man's body?

The old man was taken aback for a moment, but quickly regained his composure and calmly dressed at his usual pace, without showing any shyness or panic. His sacred demeanor always made me wonder if he was even human.

"Have you stared enough? Wipe your drool." His voice was gentle and soft. Lost in my own beauty, I reflexively obeyed him and reached down to my chin. It was clean. Damn it, I'd been tricked again.

He chuckled softly. "I'll let it slide, considering how handsome he is." Hmph.

I sat across from him at the table. He looked at me with a gentle expression, seemingly puzzled by my arrival. Of course, I was supposed to be with someone else at that moment, as he had arranged, so it was understandable that he was curious.

Seeing the indignant look on my face, he asked, "Is it because Master acted on his own initiative?"

"Hmph," I snorted, "It's good that you know you're wrong, but I came to see you not for this."

A look of confusion flashed in his eyes. "What for?"

"Yiranting. I don't know why you chose such a literary name. It doesn't seem to be your style. Hey, old man, do you know what name suddenly came to mind when I saw this? There are still many things I should know. Don't tell me you're nice to me because you pity me, or that my beauty made you fall in love at first sight or something." I said casually.

The words "love at first sight" made his face change slightly, but he remained calm as always. I looked at him without any politeness and said, "There are some things I think I have the right to know. For example, so-and-so clearly hates officialdom, but happens to have a friend who is the prime minister; so-and-so clearly never takes female disciples, but insists on teaching me martial arts no matter how hard I try to get rid of them, and so on." I glanced at him. "You don't really expect me to tell you all of these things one by one, do you? That would be a waste of time." I complained softly.

He looked at me for a long, long time, then reached out and stroked my face, which was somewhat dazed under his gentle gaze. He looked at me, his gaze gradually becoming unfocused, as if he was looking at me, yet not at me, as if he were looking at someone else through me.

Just as my mind was racing with all sorts of thoughts, something warm and soft suddenly covered my cold lips, sucking and gently biting. I was initially enjoying this warm kiss, but the thought that I was someone's substitute made me unhappy. My subconscious response froze, and the kiss stopped. I knew he had noticed my unease.

He released me, gazing at me with hazy eyes, his pupils filled with tears, like a deep lake, a bottomless whirlpool that seemed to draw my soul in. As I stared blankly into his beautiful eyes, he suddenly removed the human skin mask from my face, stroking my cheek, still murmuring, "Ranran, Ranran..." I looked at him, a pang of heartache in my eyes. Did he love that woman that much? Even after all these years, he couldn't forget her, and so he could only find solace in being her daughter, someone who resembled her.

After a long time, he came to his senses. He looked at my calm face, then suddenly covered his face and sighed deeply, as if blaming himself, as if feeling guilty, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ying'er."

I stroked his hair and whispered, "Old man. I am not her, not Su Ranran."

He finally looked up at me and sighed, "It's time to tell you something, a story from a long, long time ago."

Volume 3, Chapter 80: Old Stories

On the way back, I couldn't calm my thoughts; it was truly worrying. Realizing I had no desire for a nap, I found a quiet place, at least away from those江湖人士 (jianghu figures, people of martial arts and江湖义气, a code of honor among江湖义气, a code of honor among江湖义气, a code of honor among江湖义气), and lazily lay down on a patch of grass, letting the dappled sunlight filtering through the trees fall on my face. I took a deep breath, savoring the tranquility of the moment. The sun was shining brightly, birds were singing and flowers were blooming in the woods, and the gentle breeze rustled softly—it was all so pleasant.

But the story the old man told me still echoed in my mind.

A story from nineteen years ago.

Back then, the old man was a renowned young hero in the martial arts world, upholding justice and eliminating evil. He was young and promising, handsome, a handsome man, and a future leader of the martial arts alliance—truly a figure of great prestige and smooth sailing. At that time, his father, the previous master of Jianxian Manor, took in a female disciple named Su Ranran. Su Ranran was the daughter of a friend of the old man's father. The friend was going on a trip and entrusted his daughter to his good friend's care. Thus, the fourteen-year-old Su Ranran appeared at Jianxian Manor, becoming the old man's junior sister. As with any cliché, he fell in love with her. It wasn't just her beautiful appearance (I believe no one could compare to the old man's beauty), but also her unique personality. She was unruly, eccentric, and full of novel ideas. She was unlike any other woman he knew. Her smile, everything about her, attracted him, and he fell hopelessly in love with her. He treated her with utmost kindness and affection, believing they would live happily ever after as a divine couple. However, everything changed with a decision made by the old master. After two years of significant progress, the old master ordered them to descend the mountain and learn the true ways of the martial world, broadening their horizons. During this journey, they encountered Xie Yushi, the patriarch, who was then the youngest and most important minister in the court. While on a clandestine investigation, he was recognized and attracted the attention of assassins. Su Ranran saved him and cared for him for a month after his injury. From then on, everything changed. In their daily interactions, Su Ranran fell in love with Xie Yushi. Xie Yushi also fell in love with the unique Su Ranran, and they were in love. The poor old man, however, was heartbroken. In his youth, he couldn't understand why. Two years of close companionship couldn't compare to a month with Xie Yushi. He pleaded, he passionately expressed his love for Su Ranran, but nothing could win back her heart. Even though Xie Yushi already had a family and children, Su Ranran, who had fallen in love with him, disregarded everything and resolutely followed him back home, marrying him and becoming his third concubine. Xie Yushi truly loved her, and for her sake, he stopped taking concubines, spending all his time with her. This angered Zhao, Xie Yushi's first wife who had helped him rise to power. She and Xie Yushi's sister conspired to kill Su Ranran, Xie Yushi's most beloved woman, and also the old man's most cherished woman—his junior sister.

When Su Ranran and Xie Yushi got married, the old man appeared at the wedding in a white robe, looking at the beautiful bride with burning eyes: "I'll ask you one last time, Ranran, are you willing to come with me?"

The beautiful bride smiled happily and shook her head at him: "Senior Brother, I love him. I will not leave him."

I can imagine the pain and how deep the wound was in the old man's heart. Being rejected by the woman he loved, and seeing her happy smile with someone else, was really painful to see.

Despite the pain that made her want to cry, Sang Qin smiled faintly. That smile was dazzling and alluring. The young and handsome Sang Qin, like a noble god, said to Xie Yushi, who was wearing a red groom's suit, "Since Ranran has chosen you, then I will not take her away today. But you must treat her well, then I will be at ease."

He gave Ranran one last, deep look, and just as gently as he had for the past two years, said, "Ranran, I wish you happiness." Then he left. He left her with tears streaming down her face, and him, deeply impressed by his magnanimity and broad-mindedness.

And so, two people who would never have crossed paths became friends. Although Ranran's death later filled him with resentment, Su Ranran had told him before she died not to hate him, not to resent him, and not to blame him. Everything was of her own free will.

Actually, I'm starting to admire that woman who dares to love and hate, and who has a kind heart, even though she's my mother whom I've never met. But why am I so cowardly?

However, this story is different from what I imagined. I can't imagine a foolish woman abandoning such a beautiful, gentle, and capable old man for a scheming, emotionless man who prioritizes family interests above all else. I really don't understand why an old man would be the one heartbroken.

I thought the old man and Su Ranran were truly in love, but they were forcibly separated by the high-ranking official Xie Yushi. The reason why the fourth young lady of the Xie family was not favored and was forgotten in a small courtyard was because I was not his biological daughter.

My father was a gentle and beautiful old man. But all my plans failed.

The old man who treated me like his own daughter wasn't good to me because I was his daughter, but because he foolishly loved a woman who didn't love him. That love was so intense and strong that he even loved that woman's daughter as well.

Is this the unknown, great love story?

For some reason, I felt a pang of envy for Su Ranran, my mother whom I had never met, who was deeply loved by two outstanding men. Was she really that special?

The old man said the reason he didn't react with surprise to my outrageous behavior was because he had long been used to being frightened by Su Ranran's strange antics back then. Thinking about this, I couldn't help but wonder if Su Ranran was also a modern person, someone who, like me, had inexplicably appeared here? No way? Maybe I'm just overthinking it.

Just as I was about to turn over and start my afternoon nap, my nose suddenly bumped into something soft. I was startled and opened my eyes to see Sima Rui smiling at me. But that wasn't the most shocking thing. He had been lying silently next to me, turning to look at me. Lost in my memories, I hadn't noticed that what my nose had touched when I turned over was his thin lips. I froze, staring at him for a long time. Suddenly, I stood up and said to him in a harsh voice, "Don't think you can do whatever you want just because you're the emperor. Let me tell you, in this desolate place, even if I kill you, no one will know you're the emperor." I raised my fist at him.

He lay motionless on the ground, still staring blankly at me. "Xiao Jin is so beautiful, even when she's angry," Sima Rui thought. "Her face is rosy, and her eyes sparkle." But then, a shadow fell over his eyes. Why was he a man?

"What are you looking at? We're all men, how can you be so shameless?" I said, furious.

His eyes grew darker, and his face drew closer to mine. Just when I thought he was going to kiss me, he suddenly pulled away, looking at my slightly flushed face and bursting into laughter. But I saw the struggle in his eyes. Was it because I was a man?

He patted his behind and left, but also grabbed me, saying, "Get up, get up."

I awkwardly pulled my hand away from his: "What?"

He raised an eyebrow: "I'll take you down the mountain."

Hearing that I could go down the mountain to have some fun, I was overjoyed. However, I unconsciously touched the totem on my left hand, afraid that something bad might happen. But the thought of not being bored here made me unable to resist the temptation.

Sigh, fine, I'll go. Who's afraid of who?

I followed him down the mountain, watching his back. I had a strange, unsettling feeling. He seemed to have changed. He was no longer the Sima Langya of the past, nor the Emperor Sima Rui in the palace. He was more like a child, a simple, joyful child. I don't know if I'm going crazy to think this way, but is this really him? Without any deception, without any pretense, the real him.

He seemed to sense my unease and confusion. He walked towards me and whispered in my ear, "Xiao Jin, my Xiao Jin, I'm only different with you. Only with you."

I looked at him, and although I was still hesitant, I smiled slightly at his sincere face.

Volume 3, Chapter 81: The Holy Staff

Perhaps the landlady, who was known as "Broken Flower," was right; I couldn't escape her. The phoenix pendant on my wrist seemed to guide me, leading my desires to its inhabitants—my inhabitants, the Maya.

Otherwise, why would I have run into him again after entering a jade shop? He was the man who once wore an Arabian robe, revealing sapphire blue eyes. His eyes were so clear and bright; I could almost see my reflection in them. So beautiful.

"What does the young master need?" he asked me with a smile. Looking at his innocent smile, I didn't know why, but I always felt like a clown, being played around by that damned Feng Fei. He was selling women's jewelry like red glass, gemstones, and coral at a small stall by the roadside on the east side, but when I deliberately took Sima Rui around the east side and only visited the west side, he became the owner of this jade and emerald shop. Is there something he owes me again, and that's why Feng Fei brought me here?

"Xiao Jin, what do you like?" Sima Rui asked from the side. "I'll give you whatever you like."

I smiled somewhat awkwardly, secretly tugging at his sleeve, wanting to leave, but—

“This item was left here by a close friend of yours, sir. I wonder if you could accept it on his behalf?” I turned my head and saw a strange jade staff in his hand, carved with lotus totems that wound upwards, lifelike, as if real lotuses were blooming on it. I felt as if I were under a spell. I was supposed to run away, but my feet moved forward on their own, and my left arm strangely reached out to take it. I felt like I wasn’t even myself anymore. My mind was blank. As I approached him, he suddenly looked at me respectfully and said softly, “My master, your sacred staff.”

Even though I didn't speak, a strange voice in the air replied, "My loyal servants, I will ensure that you will never be burned by the fires of hell in your countless reincarnations. Now, the person before you will be your future master. You must entrust all your loyalty to me to her."

I numbly took the cane, as if controlled by someone. I saw the totem on my left arm shining brightly, seemingly radiating dazzling light. Sima Rui seemed to notice my strange behavior and walked over from the doorway. Seeing my bewildered expression, as if I had just woken up from a dream, he asked worriedly, "What's wrong? Are you alright?"

I nodded and then shook my head. The foreign boy gave me a strange look and smiled, "Young master, we will meet again."

I lowered my eyelids and said knowingly, "I know."

Sima Rui looked at us strangely, not understanding our odd conversation. I pulled him along, hid the holy staff in the wide sleeve of my left arm, nodded to the man, and left. I remained silent the whole way. As we walked, I was distracted and he led me into a restaurant. Although it wasn't as big as Pengju Restaurant, it was still packed with customers and very lively. We finally managed to find a seat.

He looked at me, remained silent for a long time, and then asked, "Who is he?"

I finally came to my senses and looked at him strangely. Who was he? Who was this "he" referring to?