Pingfeng was gone, and every step Ju Nian took back to the ward was filled with trepidation. She knew Pingfeng all too well; Pingfeng had no friends whatsoever. Apart from the same guests day after day, the only people she knew were her former cellmates or colleagues from prison. And the "one-of-a-kind" rabbit that Pingfeng spoke of, Ju Nian could also do, because it was something the little monk taught her. Before going to prison, she had taught it to her younger brother Wang Nian, who was still a child at the time.
Ju Nian felt a chill run through her body, alternating between hot and cold, and her head was spinning. Not because of Wang Nian, but because of Ping Feng, and Ping Feng's genuine smile just now. How could this be? Wang Nian is only twenty! This world is too crazy.
She dragged her slow body, walking in a daze, but just as she was about to approach Fei Ming's ward, she suddenly snapped to attention.
Outside the ward, someone was quietly looking around, their gaze filled with longing, yet they dared not step out of the way.
She still came, Chen Jiejie.
Chen Jiejie appeared several more times afterward. Sometimes, Ju Nian would glance back unintentionally while accompanying Fei Ming and catch a glimpse of her fleeting figure. Other times, she would see her sitting on a chair in the public rest area before the hospital's nighttime curfew. Ju Nian pretended not to see anything, and Chen Jiejie's appearances didn't disturb them in the slightest. She just came day after day, not knowing what to do, as if driven by a vague instinct, unable to stop.
For treatment and examination purposes, Fei Ming's already nearly lost hair was shaved off completely at the doctor's request. Ju Nian knitted a unique little red hat for Fei Ming. That day, she collected the child's fallen hair and threw it into the hospital's trash can. When she returned, she heard heart-wrenching cries coming from near the ward.
Spending so much time in the hospital, it's hard not to feel indifferent to the crying, despair, and pain. Even Fei Ming was no exception. She was no longer afraid of those emaciated patients disappearing and dying around her; she only felt a sense of loss, wondering when she herself would have such a day. So, even though the crying was so mournful, Fei Ming, drinking the porridge her aunt fed her, felt no surprise. Of course, she also didn't notice her aunt's occasional absent-mindedness.
Ju Nian knew who was crying from. Chen Jiejie had once been such a strong-willed person, yet the few remaining strands of Fei Ming's hair easily broke her down. It was a piece of her own flesh, the only memento left to her by a boy she had once loved. She could pretend the child didn't exist, but how could she not feel pain when she learned that the existence she had tried so hard to ignore might also disappear? Even more painful was the realization that she was no longer the carefree girl she had been a decade ago, capable of running away for love without hesitation. Now, she was just an ordinary woman living in this mortal world, with a husband, a son, and a family, burdened with too many worries and ties. The wild youth of her memories, and the lost love and pain, would never return. It was always a painful ordeal, but after wiping away her tears, she lacked the courage to acknowledge him. Yes, in this moment, in this situation, she was powerless.
On one occasion, Han Shu also ran into Chen Jiejie. Ever since Han Shu interrupted a conversation between Ju Nian and his mother, he had been holding a grudge for some reason. He still often came to see Fei Ming, but he paid little attention to Ju Nian anymore. Ju Nian naturally wouldn't deliberately provoke him, nor did she feel anything was wrong about the lack of communication. On the contrary, Han Shu, although he was the one who started the cold war, often chose to appear when Ju Nian was around, and frequently made some noise. His face clearly said, "Talk to me, take the initiative to talk to me." If he came to the hospital around mealtime, he would usually bring food along. Even though he bought two extra portions besides his own, he would tell Fei Ming, "Both portions are for you, Uncle Han Shu. You can choose." When Ju Nian actually went to the hospital cafeteria and brought back the food, he would be extremely annoyed.
He was already feeling frustrated and unhappy, and encountering Chen Jiejie suddenly ignited his anger. Coupled with thoughts of Feiming's pitiful state and Ju Nian's hardships over the years, he disregarded the fact that he and Chen Jiejie had a fairly good personal relationship in the past. He immediately retorted, "Miss Chen, instead of enjoying her retirement at home, Mrs. Zhou is wandering around here. Tsk tsk, even if you're bored to death, you shouldn't be seeing a neurosurgeon!"
Chen Jiejie didn't intend to argue with him. Surprised, she simply said, "Han Shu, this is none of your business."
"None of my business?" Han Shu laughed leisurely. "Is it any of your business?"
"I haven't offended you, Han Shu," Chen Jiejie said, her eyes reddening. "You know why I came; she's so sick..."
"She's so sick, what can you do? Besides, who is 'she'? I have no idea why you're here, or who you are inside. Why don't you tell me loudly so I can broaden my horizons?"
"Don't think I don't know why you're targeting me, Han Shu. Your ulterior motives... are useless to you no matter how much you try..."
Both of them were proud and kept their own opinions to themselves, so they didn't raise their voices to argue. However, they forgot that the location of the argument was too close to the ward, and the person who had been bedridden for a long time had exhausted limbs, but his hearing had become unusually sharp.
Fei Ming, who had fallen asleep wearing a little red hat, woke up. Her headache made it difficult for her to sleep soundly. She mumbled to Ju Nian, "Auntie, I think I heard Uncle Han Shu talking to someone?"
Ju Nian touched her face. The confrontation outside the door continued.
“Really, Auntie, I heard Uncle Han Shu’s voice, and an auntie too. What were they saying?”
Ju Nian had actually heard everything, but she retreated into her shell, refusing to pay attention to those pointless disputes. However, Fei Ming, who had finally managed to get some sleep, was repeatedly disturbed, which finally pushed her to her breaking point.
She said to Fei Ming, "Sweetie, you go to sleep first. Uncle Han Shu is talking to the nurse. I'll go out and take a look."
"We don't need you here at all."
"What right do you have to tell me these things?"
Neither of them, both equally angry and helpless with nowhere to vent, realized at first when Ju Nian had come out of the ward. By the time they noticed, she had been standing quietly to one side for quite some time.
The corridor was terribly cold. Ju Nian casually draped a sweater over her shoulders; its turquoise color, like lake water, reflected in her calm, unwavering eyes, like a deep pool frozen for a long time but not yet frozen, like ancient jade, not smooth but imbued with a chilling emerald hue. She didn't say a word, and Han Shu and Chen Jiejie, their faces flushed, involuntarily stopped arguing.
"Walk."
Ju Nian pointed to the door at the end of the corridor and whispered to the two of them.
They didn't move.
"Year of the Orange..."
"Please, let's find another place to argue. Please, just leave!"
A person who never seemed to get angry suddenly regained color in her pale face. Last night, Fei Ming's epilepsy had flared up again, almost costing him his life. Ju Nian hadn't slept all night, worried sick, and had to stay by his side during the day as usual, anxiously fearing another seizure. Exhausted, she just wanted these two people to disappear from her sight. She wasn't used to being tough on people, and as soon as she uttered those words, tears welled up in her eyes.
Chen Jiejie tilted her head back, refusing to let her tears fall, and turned away without saying a word.
Chapter Nineteen: The Little Tree's Dream
The day before Lunar New Year's Eve, all the patients who could be discharged left, and those who fell ill outside probably endured it, deciding to wait until after the holiday. The nurses were all in the duty room discussing how to spend the Spring Festival. The hospital was very quiet, as quiet as an empty valley. The wind had gone, the rain had gone, leaving only a lonely little tree, quietly shedding a leaf, unnoticed by anyone.
Feiming was just like that little tree. She closed her eyes and imagined that she would sprout new branches after a spring snow. She grew taller and taller, with lush branches and leaves, until she finally connected with the forest that nurtured her. With the same branches and leaves, she would also bloom with the same beautiful flowers... She forgot the strong smell of disinfectant and fell asleep peacefully in a lush green environment, feeling a sense of belonging.
Later, Fei Ming had a strange dream in which someone was crying. She couldn't remember where she had heard such a cry before, but the cry was familiar, as if it had existed for a very long time and was something she was born with, predating her memories. She tried to look around, first seeing an outline, then a face, a silhouette trembling as it suppressed its sobs.
"My child, my child..."
"Are you my mother?" Perhaps because she knew it was a dream, and because Ming had had too many similar dreams, she wasn't too shocked or surprised. Just like countless times before, her mother found her in the dream again. The only difference was that this time her mother's face was particularly clear, as clear as a beautiful aunt she had passed by and admired immensely. Her mother's tears were also so real that she almost thought they were actually falling on the back of her hand with the IV drip attached.
"You recognize me? You really recognize me?"
Fei Ming didn't know why "Mom" was crying so hard. She was none other than his mother, and Fei Ming recognized her.
"Mom, don't cry, or I'll cry too, and if I cry, I'll wake up. I want you to stay with me a little longer."
His mother's voice was broken and fragmented amidst her uncontrollable sobs. Fei Ming struggled to make out that she was repeatedly asking, "Fei Ming, do you hate me? Do you hate your mother...?"
Fei Ming shook his head and murmured, "I hated you for a minute. I think I just missed you too much... Mom, why didn't you want me?"
Her mother's face was pressed against Fei Ming's hand, wet and hot with tears. Fei Ming was terrified of that intense touch, afraid that the dream would shatter into a bubble in the afternoon sunlight with a "snap," disappearing without a trace, not even a fragment, just like countless times when she woke up, opened her eyes, and there was no father, no mother, no one at all.
Why don't you want me?
Fei Ming was simply asking a question that had been buried deep in her heart for a long time, a question that had accompanied her growth and never stopped. In fact, she had never expected an answer.
But she heard her mother's reply after a long period of crying.
"When I was young, I did something wrong. No, it might be the best thing I ever did in my life... It's not that I don't want you. I made a solemn vow to have you."
What is a poisonous oath?
"The oath is that as long as your mother can give birth to you and as long as you are alive, she can never come to see you again."
"Otherwise what?"
"Otherwise, Mom will die a horrible death, Fei Ming, I'm sorry, Fei Ming."
After reciting her solemn vow, her eyes were filled with fear and unease. Fei Ming initially thought her mother was afraid the vow would come true, but she vaguely felt that wasn't the case. Her mother's fear also contained guilt, because her aunt had said that when someone feels guilty, they are afraid to look another person in the eye.
Fei Ming's head started to ache again from thinking. She groaned softly a few times. Her mother's hand covered her little red hat. The little tree closed its eyes, and its branches finally connected with the big tree.
Fei Ming said, "If you come to see me, will you die... Mom, I don't want you to die..."
Her mother's expression was so pained, it felt like Fei Ming's heart was breaking. She gripped the bedsheet tightly with one hand and grabbed her mother with the other... She fell into a chaotic abyss, and before her last shred of consciousness disappeared, she remembered that her mother's hand was warm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ju Nian rushed back from home, bringing the red padded jacket that Fei Ming insisted on wearing. They both knew that they would probably have to spend this Spring Festival in the hospital. In addition to the red clothes Fei Ming liked for the holiday, Ju Nian also brought several small strings of red lanterns after getting permission from the nurses. Hopefully, the bright red would help them temporarily forget the loneliness of the hospital.
When Ju Nian arrived at the hospital, she learned that Fei Ming had been in a very dangerous situation that afternoon when she left. His brain had even experienced a brief period of oxygen deprivation, but fortunately, he was rescued in time and is now out of danger.
Ju Nian couldn't help but secretly scold herself for wasting so much time on those red lanterns, and naturally refused to leave Fei Ming's side again. Although Fei Ming's health was clearly not good, her spirits were higher than ever before. She told her aunt that she had a very, very good dream, better than any she had ever had before. Ju Nian thought that anything that could bring her happiness, even if it was just a dream, was truly precious.
The aunt and niece chatted for a while, and it was getting late. Some hospital staff had already gone on holiday, leaving only a few on duty. Ju Nian was worried there wouldn't even be anyone to provide hot water, so she went to prepare some early. She carried two kettles of hot water outside and overheard the head nurse on duty asking a woman, "Who exactly are you visiting? Sitting here all the time isn't a good solution. You don't look well; what happened to your face? Is there anything I can help you with?"
The woman didn't say anything. Ju Nian disliked meddling in other people's business, so she lowered her head and hurried past from the side. As she walked, she slowed down.
"Year of the Orange".
Just as she turned around, she heard someone call her name.
Seeing that the two knew each other, the head nurse stopped getting involved and calmly walked back to the duty room.
Chen Jiejie stood there, the hospital lights casting long shadows on her already tall figure. Having met so many times in the hospital, this was the first time she had called out Ju Nian's name. Ju Nian felt as if Chen Jiejie had lost her soul.
Ju Nian felt a pang of pity. She couldn't help but think back to that day when she angrily told Han Shu and Chen Jiejie to leave. They were both terrified and didn't object at all. But was her anger really justified? It goes without saying what Han Shu had done for Fei Ming, and Chen Jiejie was Fei Ming's blood relative. She could accept the two of them, but she couldn't stand up for Fei Ming and shut them out.
"Do you want to see the child?" Ju Nian said softly. "Actually, it's not impossible. You should know that vows are not to be taken literally. It's just that with Fei Ming, I... I'm just afraid of disappointing her."
Chen Jiejie rushed to Ju Nian in a few steps, startling Ju Nian, who quickly took a few steps back, her back hitting the wall of the corridor. The kettle in her hand collided with the cement wall with a loud "bang".
Before she could react, Chen Jiejie pulled a bunch of things out of her bag and shoved them into Ju Nian's busy hands. Ju Nian had nowhere to dodge and had to put down the kettle. Among the things Chen Jiejie gave her were cards, bankbooks, cash of various denominations, and even a lot of jewelry.
"What are you doing?" Ju Nian didn't know whether to take it or throw it away, so she could only ask in a panic.
Previously distraught, Chen Jiejie now wore an unusual fervor, her eyes shining like candlelight in the darkness. "This is all I have right now, everything is here! Ju Nian, take it, this is all I have."
"Don't……"
"I'll try to find another way. I know it's not enough, but please accept it first."
Standing so close, Ju Nian, who hadn't been looking directly at Chen Jiejie until now, finally noticed the red, swollen bruises on her face. Ju Nian, being a kind-hearted person, immediately understood what was going on and couldn't help but feel alarmed.
"He hit you?"
Chen Jiejie then smiled, revealing her teeth. Even though it aggravated the mottled scars on her cheeks, her smile was still beautiful and charming.
"I hit him too. What are my injuries compared to his? He probably won't dare to show his face for ten days or half a month. Hehe, that's what you call a real falling out!" She laughed exaggeratedly, bending forward and backward. Ju Nian didn't laugh, nor did she want to look closely at the tears in the corners of her eyes.
They were such a perfect couple, a match made in heaven. Ju Nian admitted that she had cursed and felt lost, but she remembered the lingering and affectionate look in the little monk's eyes when he gazed at her beautiful face. At this moment, if he were also silently watching this scene, would his heart ache? She was the person the little monk had loved, and the little monk was Ju Nian's everything.
Chen Jiejie laughed enough in Ju Nian's silence, laughed until she was tired, her expression confused and dazed, like a lost child. Moreover, she was lost too far away, and even if she had found her direction now, she could never go home again.
"Ju Nian, Ju Nian, have you dreamed of him too?"
Ju Nian turned her head away, refusing to discuss the topic, but her heart trembled. She selfishly refused to say it: she never dreamed of him, because he was always there.
Chen Jiejie looked up at the ceiling light and stared at it for a long time. The halo around the light created an unreal illusion.
“I know you can’t forget him either, that’s why you’re taking care of Fei Ming for me, your irresponsible mother… But I don’t want to dream about him anymore. I’m doing well, I’m happy. It’s him who won’t come to me, he broke our vow, so I must be happy. It’s him who won’t come to me, he broke our vow, so I must be happy, to make him furious, to make him furious!” She kept her head tilted back, and Ju Nian could see tears streaming down her cheeks and down her neck. Each tear glistened with a sinful intensity under the light.
Chen Jiejie's laughter was swallowed by a sob in her throat. "I had forgotten that he died a long time ago. You saw it with your own eyes. He died beside you. I couldn't see it. He just told me to wait for him. He didn't even say goodbye."
"That's enough." Ju Nian didn't want to hear any more.
“He blames me, blames me for being irresponsible, so he wants to take Fei Ming away. No, Wu Yu, you can't take her away. I want this child to remind me forever that I hate you. I'm waiting for you, but you haven't come.”
She crouched unsteadily on the ground, sobbing like a child. The feast of youth had long since ended; who would foot the bill now?
Ju Nian drifted off into a daze amidst her sobs, not even knowing where her mind had wandered. In the end, all she could do was cry as Chen Jiejie grabbed her trouser leg with one hand.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You can look down on me, but I am Fei Ming. Please let me take her away!"
Ju Nian let out a hollow laugh: "Take her away? Where to?" She said in a voice only she and Chen Jiejie could hear: "The doctor just told me this afternoon that the test results are in. Fei Ming's tumor is malignant and has already spread. Are you still going to take her away now?"
"You're lying to me!" Chen Jiejie said, as if in a daze.
"I wish I had lied to you." Every word spoken was painful, like being cut by a dull knife, never finding peace.
Chen Jiejie stood there stunned for a long time. After standing up, she wiped away her tears, and that resolute determination that Ju Nian knew so well returned. "I will get a divorce again and get what I deserve. I will spend every penny to save her. I will never let Fei Ming leave me again. Ju Nian, I only beg you, please let me acknowledge her."
Ju Nian remained silent. In truth, not only did Gui Ye, but Chen Jie Jie also likely knew that as a mother, taking her daughter away was a matter of course, and no one could stop her. However, Chen Jie Jie chose to plead, presumably understanding how irretrievable those eleven lost years were.
They alarmed many people. The head nurse's head popped out of the duty room and then shrank back in. Ju Nian's gaze passed over Chen Jiejie and landed on a certain spot behind Ye.