"Guo Rongrong, is your classmate feeling unwell?" Han Shu greeted her but didn't leave in a hurry.
Guo Rongrong laughed loudly, grabbed Zhuang Xian's hand without saying a word, and said to Han Shu, "Oh right, I forgot to introduce you, this is my good friend Zhuang Xian, she's your..."
At that moment, Zhuang Xian felt like she was going to suffocate from the tension. Really, if he found out, she wouldn't want to live anymore.
Perhaps out of self-preservation, her other hand, which had been roasting chicken wings, suddenly reached out in front of her and Han Shu.
"I...I...my wings...my wings, give...you...eat them..."
Long afterward, Zhuang Xian was still unable to get over her "crazy" actions. The chicken wing in her hand, still sizzling with hot oil, almost stabbed Han Shu in the face first. Luckily, he dodged in time and escaped unharmed. Guo Rongrong, who was standing to the side, was already doubled over with laughter. At that moment, she wished she could bite off her own tongue. She was so incoherent that she didn't even know what she was saying. She deserved to embarrass herself in front of him.
After laughing, Guo Rongrong probably realized the limits of the joke, and continued to introduce Han Shu, "I wasn't finished yet, she's your... senior sister."
Han Shu laughed as he wiped the barbecue oil that had splattered on his clothes. Then, quite naturally, he took the barbecue fork from Zhuang Xian's hand and chuckled, "Is this for me? Thank you, Senior Sister Zhuang Xian... Your wings taste pretty good."
Han Shu didn't know, and neither did Guo Rongrong, that the warmth he left on Zhuang Xian's fingertips when he took the barbecue fork that day still touched her for a long time afterward.
After this incident, Zhuang Xian, whose temper was as easily swayed as dough, sulked for several days, secretly annoyed that Guo Rongrong's joke had gone too far. In the past, Guo Rongrong, who couldn't stand being alone, would have already tried various ways to make Zhuang Xian laugh, but this time, it seemed as if they were competing with each other. The two good friends had a cold war for quite a few days before Guo Rongrong took the initiative to soften her stance and invite Zhuang Xian to accompany her to the school's ballroom dance.
By this time, Zhuang Xian had calmed down. Guo Rongrong was her only friend, and it was quite lonely during the cold war. Since the other party had given her a way out, even a fool would know to take the opportunity. She changed into a dress and went to the ball with Guo Rongrong.
In the dark, crowded dance hall, Zhuang Xian and Guo Rongrong had just settled down when they noticed Han Shu, impeccably dressed, embracing a beautiful girl from the School of Civil and Commercial Law. They danced like butterflies to a fast-paced waltz, the golden couple perfectly in sync.
“I know that woman, her nickname is ‘Public Bus’…” In the extremely low visibility, Zhuang Xian saw Guo Rongrong curl one corner of her mouth, but she didn’t care to listen, focusing solely on their dance steps. They dance so beautifully, Zhuang Xian thought.
She felt no jealousy; when she realized she would never be the one beside him in the spotlight, all that remained in her heart was heartfelt admiration.
Han Shu and his dance partner moved about in the dance steps, and as they danced, they turned to Zhuang Xian's side. Zhuang Xian was stunned, and she didn't know who had secretly exerted force to push her. Caught off guard, she stumbled and fell, bumping into Han Shu's dance partner. The girl stopped and cried out in surprise.
Zhuang Xian stammered an apology, her tongue twisting, but her mouth wouldn't obey her; the surrounding noise was all a blur, making it impossible to hear or understand. However, Han Shu released his dance partner, straightened Zhuang Xian, and, surprisingly, led her in a dance before the song was even finished.
In the dormitory bathroom, when she was all alone, Zhuang Xian had hummed a little tune that only she could hear more than once, opening her arms and dancing with her other half in the void, but she thought that could only be her dream.
Zhuang Xian forgot how that night ended. She lay back on her bunk bed, but her heart was still on the dance floor, being led by him to dance a waltz, spinning and spinning, her dream going on and on.
It was Guo Rongrong who woke Zhuang Xian from her dream. She said, "Han Shu is just too frivolous. Don't go astray. If you think about me, there's only one prince in the castle, but for those who want to be Cinderella, it's like a thousand troops crossing a single-plank bridge!"
Zhuang Xian thought to herself that she didn't want to cross the bridge; having had that dream of dancing together was enough.
Little did they know, this was just the beginning.
Despite Guo Rongrong's repeated reminders to Zhuang Xian not to dream of being Cinderella, if one day a prince strolled by carrying a pair of perfectly fitting crystal shoes, would you want to wear them?
Soon, Han Shu's phone calls for Zhuang Xian rang frequently in the dormitory, and he was often seen downstairs. Rumors circulated that Han Shu had taken a liking to the "wooden beauty" from the law school. Guo Rongrong sometimes stared blankly at herself, muttering, "Is that even possible?"
Regardless of the possibility, Zhuang Xian was his source of light, and she was a moth drawn to the flame without regret. So, blushing, she went to keep one dreamlike appointment after another. As usual, she was not good with words and became confused when she was nervous. After saying goodbye to him, she often couldn't remember the details of their time together, while Han Shu's gaze seemed to be more focused than hers.
"Do I...do I look silly?" Zhuang Xian was afraid that she would wake up from this dream too soon, fearing that her dullness would discourage him.
But Han Shu kept emphasizing her good qualities, over and over again, in a solemn tone, as if he wanted her to remember. "How could you be stupid? I wouldn't go to the same university as a fool; how could you be worse than others? Don't you ever look in the mirror?" His words were like hypnosis. The more he said them, the more Zhuang Xian gradually began to believe them. Every morning, she would repeat to herself in the mirror as he said, "I'm good, I'm good..." She became much more confident in front of others and in private.
"But I'm so boring, won't you find it annoying to be with me?" This was Zhuang Xian's last concern. Completely different from her previous romantic impressions of Han Shu, Han Shu rarely took her out to play or have fun. Most of the time they spent together, he was quiet and didn't seem to mind Zhuang Xian's lack of conversation. During a break from studying together, Zhuang Xian would occasionally look up and find Han Shu beside her, chin in hand, staring blankly at her. When their eyes met, he would look away.
Han Shu always said, "You're fine the way you are." But his next sentence was full of joking laughter, "Has anyone ever told you that when you're not talking, you're as calm as the sea?"
Of course, no one had ever said that. Zhuang Xian felt a surge of happiness amidst his childlike banter, a happiness that made her temporarily forget the stares of others and the cold admonitions of her friends.
Guo Rongrong said, "Are you stupid? Is he really that good? When it's too late to regret it, it'll be too late to cry."
But isn't the medicine for regret only taken afterward? She wants the present.
On Valentine's Day night during Han Shu's sophomore year, Zhuang Xian mustered up the courage to give him a wool scarf. She had been pestering her mother to teach her how to make the scarf during winter break; it was poorly made, but it was his favorite bright red. Afraid that Guo Rongrong would laugh at her, Zhuang Xian had been hiding the scarf, only secretly taking it out that night.
They had agreed to go out together. Zhuang Xian went to Han Shu's dormitory and waited for him to slowly get ready. Despite his impatient nature, he was surprisingly patient and meticulous in tidying himself up. Seeing that no one was around the dormitory, Zhuang Xian shyly and hurriedly tied the scarf around Han Shu's neck.
"Do you like it?" Zhuang Xian asked softly.
Han Shu didn't speak immediately. She didn't dare to look at his expression, and awkwardly lowered her head. Her long, carefully styled hair, which had been draped down, made her face a little itchy, but her heart felt like it was being crawled by thousands of ants.
The wait for his reaction felt incredibly long to Zhuang Xian. She hurriedly turned her face away, glancing around to try and appear less nervous. But her gaze fell on a pair of brown gloves casually tossed on his tidy desk.
Zhuang Xian was immediately stunned. How could she not recognize these gloves? She had watched them being unraveled and re-knitted stitch by stitch.
The gloves were made by Guo Rongrong. During the tense review period before the final exams last semester, Zhuang Xian saw Guo Rongrong often curled up on the bed knitting these gloves. Guo Rongrong was also a novice, but she was also very competitive and couldn't stand any flaws. She repeatedly unraveled and re-knitted them, until the area between her thumb and forefinger was blistered from the knitting needles. Zhuang Xian watched from the side, and it was then that she had the idea of knitting something for Han Shu as well. However, she was too embarrassed to ask Guo Rongrong to teach her, so she put it off until the winter vacation before starting to work on them.
Zhuang Xian had once asked Guo Rongrong who she had knitted it for, and Guo Rongrong replied casually, "Give it to whoever you want." At that time, the two friends had somehow lost the close bond they once shared, and Zhuang Xian was too embarrassed to press the matter. She had assumed that such a gift must be for the most important person, but she never expected that this person would be the "frivolous playboy" whom Guo Rongrong had always looked down upon.
Han Shu noticed Zhuang Xian staring blankly at the gloves, picked them up, and without a word, slipped them onto Zhuang Xian's hands. Zhuang Xian's eyes reddened, and she slightly pulled her hand back, but Han Shu's hand gripped it tightly.
"Do you like it?" He didn't answer her question, but instead asked her the same question in return.
"No...no...I mean, I like it, but...but, other people..." Zhuang Xian's mind was in turmoil, and the stuttering that hadn't appeared in front of Han Shu for a long time returned.
Han Shu wouldn't let her pull her hand away, grabbing it and repeatedly asking, "Never mind those things, I just want to ask you, do you like it? Don't you like it? Say it, talk to me!"
As if possessed, a tear rolled down Zhuang Xian's cheek. She wasn't a good friend. The image of Guo Rongrong knitting gloves with a flashlight flashed before her eyes, something she had never paid attention to at the time... But even if she knew, what could she do? At this moment, what was stronger than guilt was the warmth in her palm.
She lowered her head as she answered Han Shu's questions.
"like."
She could feel Han Shu's hand lingering in her hair, and even his voice was hesitant and tender, unlike anything she had ever heard before.
Say it again.
Zhuang Xian murmured as if in a dream, "I really like it."
On that Valentine's Day night, Han Shu stroked Zhuang Xian's long hair and kissed her for the first time.
From that moment on, Zhuang Xian felt as if the gates of the castle in her heart had truly opened for her. She had indeed become Han Shu's girlfriend.
...
Han Shu is actually a very contradictory person. He loves excitement, yet he has a quiet and reserved girlfriend who is not good at expressing herself. He says he likes Zhuang Xian's quietness, but when she is as docile as a lamb beside him, a fleeting look of disappointment often appears in his eyes. He has never admitted to Zhuang Xian that she is the closest girl to him since childhood, but he inadvertently revealed that Valentine's Day was the first time he kissed a girl on the lips. He is the most sunny boy Zhuang Xian has ever met, but there are always times when he seems preoccupied. Even though he is right next to Zhuang Xian, she still feels that it is too unreal. When he is not smiling, his eyebrows and eyes seem to ripple like peach blossoms, but when he smiles, they become faint... Fortunately, she likes to put things she can't understand out of her mind, rarely asks questions, and rarely investigates. This is her way of enjoying happiness.
Regarding this relationship, the predictions of a whirlwind breakup and Han Shu's waning passion leading to infidelity did not come true. It's hard to believe that Han Shu and Zhuang Xian could have been in a peaceful relationship for a year or two, yet that is an undeniable fact.
During that happy time, the only thing Zhuang Xian regretted was the end of her friendship with Guo Rongrong. And the trigger for all of this was that after the news of Guo Rongrong's crush on Han Shu somehow got out, Han Shu made a joking remark when others asked him why he didn't like the talented female law student.
"A tear of longing shed last year has yet to fall down my cheek."
Guo Rongrong was good in every way, and quite pretty, except her face was a little long, which she didn't say aloud, but secretly regretted. When Han Shu's witty remark, full of allusions, spread, Guo Rongrong cried all night under the covers. The next day, she tried every possible way to move out of Zhuang Xian's dormitory. As she walked out that door, Zhuang Xian knew they might never be friends again. She couldn't even bring herself to explain or offer advice; every explanation felt like a victor's declaration.
Zhuang Xian inevitably harbored resentment towards Han Shu for this. Han Shu said he had long disliked Guo Rongrong's arrogance and bullying of Zhuang Xian, and this time she deliberately embarrassed her; he was better off without such a friend. Although Zhuang Xian was disappointed, what could she do at the time, being deeply in love?
Fortunately, Guo Rongrong wasn't one to be easily bullied. Before long, she launched a scathing critique of Han Shu in the literary society's private publication, without naming him. Her writing was excellent, sharp and incisive; soon, everyone knew that the image-obsessed, superficial playboy in "What's Fearful When a Rogue Has Culture" and "On a Deng Tu Zi's Superficial Love" was none other than Han Gongzi. After this outburst, Guo Rongrong probably felt much better and from then on held her head high, ignoring Han Shu and his wife completely.
During Han Shu's junior year of college, Zhuang Xian traveled to Sanya with him during a long vacation, along with two of his childhood friends. This trip was significant for Zhuang Xian, as it was the first time Han Shu had introduced her to his close friends, which could be seen as a further indication of his acceptance of her. Zhuang Xian tried her best not to embarrass herself in front of his friends, but she wasn't sure if she had succeeded. Although his two friends didn't say anything, they repeatedly looked her up and down throughout the trip. Even the not-so-sensitive Zhuang Xian noticed these strange looks and their unspoken exchanges of glances, but Han Shu seemed completely unconcerned, enjoying himself immensely the entire time.
On their first night in Sanya, the group excitedly headed to a seafood stall on the beach near their accommodation. Zhuang Xian went to the restroom but couldn't find her way. Embarrassed, she turned back to ask for directions and saw a boy named Fang Zhihe pull something from his backpack and hand it to Han Shu. Han Shu took it, glanced at it briefly, and tossed it into a nearby trash can without a word.
In the beautiful afterglow of the sunset at the ends of the earth, Han Shu said, "I'm happy today," and pulled Zhou Liang and Fang Zhihe to drink quite a bit of wine. Amidst the playful banter, Zhou Liang pretended to shout that he wanted to get Zhuang Xian a drink, but Han Shu coldly stopped him. Before Zhuang Xian could even speak, Han Shu silently drank three cups himself. Zhou Liang and Fang Zhihe exchanged glances, and the commotion ended.
Afterwards, Han Shu got drunk and vomited profusely on the sand. Zhuang Xian and the other two boys quickly helped him back to his room. After settling him in, Zhou Liang and Fang Zhihe made an excuse to go for a night swim on the beach, leaving Zhuang Xian and Han Shu alone in the room.
Because it was during the Golden Week holiday, tourist attractions were booming and accommodations were in high demand, with hotels of all sizes fully booked. The small hotel that Fang Zhihe finally found was not ideal, and among the group, Han Shu was the most picky, but surprisingly, he didn't complain.
Zhuang Xian sat quietly in the room with the sleeping Han Shu for a long time. The city was unfamiliar, the place was unfamiliar, the friends were unfamiliar, and even the familiar people around her began to feel unfamiliar.
Why was he happy? Was he really happy? Zhuang Xian seemed to suddenly realize that she had no idea what he was thinking when he was happy or sad.
She didn't know when she had vaguely fallen asleep beside him. It wasn't until midnight that Han Shu's movement woke her. The room lights were off, only a window facing the sea was open, letting in the salty, damp sea breeze along with the moonlight. Zhuang Xian knew he was awake, but neither of them spoke; gradually, their breathing became heavy.
In the chaos and darkness, for the young boy and girl, everything that was meant to happen unfolded naturally. From beginning to end, Han Shu didn't utter a single word. Zhuang Xian, amidst the tense and sweet silence, experienced her first pain. Although it wasn't as magical and wonderful as she had imagined, she loved the boy beside her, and the experience felt perfectly complete. Her initial doubts gradually faded away with physical exhaustion and emotional fulfillment.
The climate in Sanya was hot and humid. Zhuang Xian, recovering from her passion, realized she was covered in sweat. Although her eyelids grew heavy, she couldn't resist getting up to shower. Han Shu's breathing became calm and long; she guessed he was perhaps tired and had drifted off to sleep, so she rose cautiously.
But as soon as she moved slightly, she felt a sharp pain on her scalp and realized that the ends of her hair had been pressed down somewhere. At that moment, Han Shu quickly pressed his body against hers and hugged her tightly, burying his head and face in her slightly arched back like a child.
This unusually intimate and dependent posture made Zhuang Xian feel both sweet and amused.
"You..." she was about to say something.
"Shh..." Han Shu interrupted her.
She had thought he would make another move, but he didn't. He just quietly held her tightly, close to her. The night was quiet, and this kind of intimacy made her feel like she was falling into an eternity.
Zhuang Xian dared not move, but maintaining this position for so long began to cause her waist and neck to ache. She didn't know how much time had passed, but in that half-awake, half-dreaming state, she heard faint sobbing.
At first, she was startled, thinking it was her imagination. After regaining her senses, she realized that the suppressed sobbing sounded like Han Shu, who had been holding her the whole time.
The lively and cheerful Han Shu, in the quiet darkness, clung to her and wept like a lost child.
"You lied to me..."
This was their first night together, and this was the only sentence Zhuang Xian remembered Han Shu saying.
The next day, amidst the ambiguous smiles of Fang Zhihe and Zhou Liang, Han Shu returned to normal, and he never mentioned the strangeness of that night to Zhuang Xian again.
The phrase he kept muttering, and the tears that soaked her back, became a dream that shocked and puzzled Zhuang Xian. It was a Han Shu she had never known, or perhaps she had never known Han Shu at all.
After returning to school, Zhuang Xian, now a senior, soon plunged into the job search frenzy. When she got busy, she saw Han Shu less often, and Han Shu didn't actively seek her out either. No one could understand how such a sustained and stable love could gradually cool down after its most intimate and intense encounter.
Zhuang Xian habitually didn't think too deeply about it. She just discovered a more obvious fact: at first, she would feel extremely anxious if she didn't see Han Shu for a day. Later, she gradually got used to it, and the interval became three days... a week... two weeks... a month... From when did Zhuang Xian, who had become much more confident because of Han Shu, realize that even without Han Shu's company, the sky was still just as blue?
Zhuang Xian's grades weren't outstanding. Unlike Guo Rongrong, she didn't easily get into the graduate program at the same college, and her job search wasn't too smooth either. In the end, she found a job as a court clerk in a small to medium-sized city in a neighboring province. During the time she was away from school, she was waiting for one thing: she knew she was waiting for Han Shu to say goodbye.
But Han Shu did not.
Even after Han Shu offered to take her to the train station, he still said, "Actually, you don't need to go to another city. If you stay here, my dad can help you... and you can still find a good job..."
Zhuang Xian shook her head.
The suggestion to break up came nearly a year after graduation, in an email from Zhuang Xian. Han Shu replied with three words: "Okay, take care."
Two years into her job, Zhuang Xian married a colleague. The man was ordinary but considerate, and Zhuang Xian became increasingly cheerful and outgoing. This wasn't the first time she had felt happiness, but this happiness was grounded in reality, not something unattainable.
Han Shu also passed the entrance exam for graduate school in the same institute. Unexpectedly, his later life resurfaced in Zhuang Xian's mind through Guo Rongrong's detailed descriptions—Guo Rongrong, who had broken ties with Zhuang Xian years ago, attended her wedding as an old classmate. Time had passed, and they had reconciled. Although their friendship was no longer as close as before, they had gone through a period of intense competition, and ultimately, they had rekindled their affection. Zhuang Xian also began to understand that some things, when left untouched, last longer.
Guo Rongrong still spoke of Han Shu with disdain and hostility, yet she relentlessly attacked him amidst this disdain and hostility—how he used connections to get his research projects, how awkward his later girlfriends were, how he relied on family connections to find a job… Zhuang Xian listened, sometimes unable to suppress a smile. This Guo Rongrong, this Han Shu…
Actually, they haven't changed much; perhaps only she has. When she calmly and smilingly recalls them, perhaps the past truly becomes the past.
She was a "wooden beauty," awakened by the fierce raindrops of Han Shu, but the one who nurtured her like a spring breeze and brought her to bloom was the ordinary man who would accompany her for life. Although the flower was also ordinary and unremarkable, this was the life within reach, and she would never again hear the suppressed, silent weeping in the quiet night.
Zhuang Xian saw Han Shu again at an internal exchange meeting. By then, she was a mother of a five-year-old. Their reunion was unexpected and slightly delightful, like old friends, with each exaggerating their compliments. They both marveled at how, after all, they had been in love and weren't even worlds apart, it had been so many years since they last saw each other. It was this reunion that made Zhuang Xian feel that Han Shu seemed more real and endearing than ever before.
Han Shu still joked, "There's something I should settle with you about. To be honest, when we were together, my old man wasn't necessarily very supportive, but when he heard we broke up, he didn't believe my explanations. He insisted that I had started something and then abandoned it, and beat me up without even asking what happened. Have you ever seen an unlucky guy who's lived to be old enough to get beaten up by his old man? That's me. Come to think of it, it was clearly you who started something and then abandoned me."
Zhuang Xian laughed for a long time, but in the end, she couldn't suppress her curiosity of many years and asked, "Would you mind telling me what that person lied to you about?" It used to be a thorn in her heart, but now it was just a woman's gossip.
Han Shu was smiling at first, but gradually he couldn't keep up the smile.
"You still remember?" he said, somewhat embarrassed.
“Of course, any woman would remember that,” Zhuang Xian said with a smile.
Han Shu rubbed his cheeks with the back of his hand.