As Cai Jian gave this song a "brand new" rendition using her signature folk singing style, Han Shu, holding another microphone, couldn't help but turn his face away, suppressing the smile on his face.
"Hey, be serious, don't laugh," Xiao Zhao hinted from the side.
Han Shu then calmed down a bit and seriously followed Cai Jian's rhythm, trying his best to listen to her sing while gently keeping time with his hand.
"...Even though the memories cannot be erased, love and hate still remain in my heart."
Whether it was due to a particular mood or excessive concentration, Han Shu stood there listening intently, and this song, which he knew by heart, inexplicably took on a different flavor. He tried closing his eyes, and in a daze, it was as if Prosecutor Cai was no longer Prosecutor Cai, and the song was no longer the same song; only a voice remained beside him, softly narrating.
"If we really want to cut ties with the past and let tomorrow move forward properly, then please stop asking me about you..."
Han Shu was lost in thought until Cai Jian coughed softly, which made him realize that it was his turn to sing. Fortunately, he could sing this song with his eyes closed, so he quickly took over.
"Love is a difficult problem, dazzling and mysterious. Forgetting the pain might be possible, but forgetting you is too difficult..."
It wasn't easy... He knows firsthand how difficult it was over the past eleven years, experiencing both joy and hardship.
"You never really left, you're always in my heart, I still have love for you... love... I'm powerless against myself." Han Shu gradually stopped looking at the lyrics on the big screen and continued singing to himself. Something flashed by like lightning, illuminating and then extinguishing.
"Because I still have dreams, I still keep you in my heart. I am always easily moved by the past, and I always feel heartache for you."
The woman's voice lingered perfectly. She said, "Don't dwell on the years, on my unintentional tenderness. Don't ask me if we'll meet again, don't ask me if my words were insincere. Why don't you understand..."
"Don't say I don't understand," Han Shu replied softly. Thanks to the lingering effects of the alcohol, all he could see was her on the other end, her figure slender, her hair disheveled by the wind, her small, pale face, and tears welling in her eyes.
"One day you'll realize that life won't be any different without me. Life is already too fleeting, and I'm so afraid of always having tears in my eyes..."
"Han Shu, Han Shu, sing, it's your turn to sing..."
"What's wrong, Han Shu..."
Han Shu slowly lowered his hand that was holding the microphone.
His life would be different without her; everything would be rewritten. If he could, Han Shu wished he would never meet Xie Junian again. However, if he could, he would relive every day of the past—the good, the bad, the happy, the unhappy—all of it. Only, he would never let her suffer even the slightest harm again.
No one had ever forced him to linger in the past; the one who refused to forget was always himself. He relentlessly pressed on, he spoke against his conscience, he feared that once he confessed, there would be no way out. Yet it was all because he harbored a box in his heart, tightly sealed by guilt, and now that the dust had been lifted, he discovered that it contained nothing but the most cowardly emotions.
He would never receive a call from Ju Nian.
Han Shu could never redeem Xie Junian; the one who needed redemption was himself.
Chapter Twelve: Pretending to Forgive Me
Han Shu arrived at the hospital close to midnight.
He left the KTV in such a hurry that he even threw his coat on the sofa in the private room. It was Prosecutor Cai who personally chased after him with the coat; by then, he was already in the parking lot.
"Where are you rushing off to in this reckless manner?" Cai Jian asked.
Han Shu took his coat without answering, but Cai Jian already had the answer.
"You're going to find her? Han Shu, I thought you'd figured things out a lot these past few days, but it seems you're getting more and more confused."
Even in the dimly lit parking lot, Han Shu could still read the confusion and helplessness on his godmother's face, who had doted on him since childhood, as well as the subtext behind her words.
He wanted to say, "Perhaps I've been confused all along, and only now do I understand." But he didn't say it aloud until he drove away. Understanding and confusion are always matters of opinion.
Han Shu drove through the still bustling streets at night, and a somewhat inappropriate phrase inexplicably came to mind—eager to go home. Although his destination was actually a primary school in a remote area. He thought that no matter whether he could make it to Fei Ming's program, he would pick up the child and spin him around in a big circle. As for how to face Ju Nian, he had already imagined countless possibilities.
All those words could be reduced to a simple "I'm sorry"? Maybe she'll just say "It's okay" and leave.
Should he just bluntly express his feelings? Han Shu muttered to himself as he simulated it in the rearview mirror, and found it so cheesy that he shuddered a few times.
Or... should I kiss her? He seriously considered the feasibility of this approach, and finally admitted that he really didn't dare.
Sit quietly beside her, say nothing, and let time and actions prove everything? But knowing Xie Junian's personality, she could sit motionless for eternity without uttering a single word. Han Shu felt he would die from prolonged boredom before he could even take action.
It seemed that nothing he did would work, nothing he did was right. Of course, after an eleven-year delay, all his actions and statements were like scratching an itch through a boot. Han Shu imagined that eleven years ago, if he had simply stepped forward and embraced her, regardless of her blame or resentment, her silence or her push away, it would have been fine. He wouldn't have just been waiting in vain in the audience for her to glance at him. Would he not regret it so much now? This is a question that will never be answered—yet, he can still choose to embrace her today.
Embrace her. Ignore her coldness and rejection, let her doubt, resistance, or even contempt remain—this is the only thing Han Shu can think of.
As a result, Han Shu did manage to get to the auditorium of Taiyuan Road Primary School, but amidst the chaos, he was shocked to learn that Fei Ming had an accident. With the guidance of a knowledgeable teacher, he finally rushed to the hospital.
Fei Ming had already come out of the emergency room and been taken to the temporary intensive care unit. Han Shu met the child's homeroom teacher at the ward door. He was panting as he ran, so he quickly greeted the teacher and was about to go in when he glanced inside through the glass observation window above the ward door. Besides Fei Ming, whose eyes were closed and whose condition was unclear, there was also Ju Nian sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to the door.
Ju Nian's figure was as thin and frail as Han Shu remembered. Han Shu felt a pang of sadness, a touch of trepidation at the thought of returning home. In that moment of hesitation, he noticed that there were others in the room besides them. Who else could it be but Tang Ye, placing a hand on Ju Nian's shoulder and handing her a glass of water?
Han Shu watched as Ju Nian turned slightly to take the glass of water. Even without seeing her face, Han Shu could imagine the smile she forced at Tang Ye. Frankly, even though Tang Ye had openly brought Ju Nian to Prosecutor Cai, calling her his girlfriend, and Ju Nian hadn't denied it, Han Shu harbored deep suspicions about their relationship. He couldn't explain why, but it was just a gut feeling that Tang Ye wasn't Wu Yu. Han Shu had witnessed firsthand the inexplicable connection between Xie Ju Nian and Wu Yu. He admitted that he didn't have that connection with Xie Ju Nian, but he couldn't find any trace of it in Tang Ye or Xie Ju Nian either. Even so, looking at Tang Ye in the hospital room, he still felt regret.
He should have gone to see Fei Ming's performance. Even if something had gone wrong, at least he would have been the first person to be by their side, instead of leaving that spot for Tang Ye.
Tang Ye lowered his head, seemingly talking quietly with Ju Nian. Han Shu couldn't hear their conversation, and he gently withdrew his hand from the door. He felt like an arrow released from a bow, rushing towards the bullseye with a whooshing sound, but suddenly unable to find the target, his momentum waning, and he fell to the ground empty-handed.
So he took a few steps away and quietly asked Fei Ming's homeroom teacher about the illness. He really couldn't understand why Fei Ming, who seemed healthy and lively, would suddenly fall ill and be hospitalized without any warning.
When faced with Han Shu's question, Fei Ming's homeroom teacher, Ms. Yang, was clearly vague in her answer. Han Shu could see confusion and regret in Ms. Yang's expression. His heart sank immediately, and he stopped wasting time on the teacher and turned to walk towards the doctor's office.
The doctor's office was empty, so Han Shu went to the front desk nurses' station and asked them bluntly, "What disease does that little girl named Xie Feiming have?"
A young nurse, who was engrossed in copying notes, glanced at Han Shu and asked, "Who are you to her?"
Han Shu was speechless for a moment, then brazenly replied, "I am her father." After saying this, he felt his face flush under the nurse's questioning gaze.
"You can have such a big daughter?" As expected, the other party responded with distrust.
At this moment, another nurse, who was slightly older, chimed in: "You're her father, so who was it that handled the paperwork for the child just now? Let's talk about it when the doctor comes back."
Upon hearing this, Han Shu's heart skipped a beat. He didn't argue, but instead pleaded, "Please, I just want to know what disease she has?"
He naturally possessed a handsome appearance that easily won over the opposite sex, and coupled with his earnest words, the nurse considered it for a moment and didn't press the matter further. She glanced down at the admission records, and when she looked up, her tone was unusual. "Are you really that child's father? She has late-onset epilepsy..."
"Epilepsy?" Han Shu repeated subconsciously.
After saying thank you expressionlessly, he walked to the nearest set of chairs and sat down, staring blankly for a while. Finally, seeing that no one was around, he pinched his arm hard. It hurt terribly, so he wasn't dreaming.
He had previously been linked to another person with this illness. This sudden realization weighed heavily on Han Shu, making it hard for him to breathe.
Han Shu knew that Fei Ming wasn't Xie Junian's son. He had always attributed it to her kindness and loneliness, which led her to raise a child who was not related to her and live a life of hardship. He truly never imagined that Fei Ming was actually that person's child, that it was really like this!
In fact, looking back now, isn't the truth right before our eyes? Besides Wu Yu's child, who else deserves Xie Junian's treatment? And Fei Ming's face, her eyebrows and eyes, every detail bears the mark of familiarity. Han Shu broke out in a cold sweat at this discovery. For so many years, she had been living in the shadow of another person. He thought that whether she liked it or not, the image of Wu Yu left in the world would forever fade away with that afternoon, but it turns out that wasn't the case.
Wu Yu—how long has it been? Han Shu didn't want to recall that name, but now, as he closed his eyes, he seemed to see that person again, still a young man with delicate features and a bright smile. Standing before him, Han Shu, nearing thirty, suddenly felt utterly weary and worn.
-------------------------------------------------
Ju Nian escorted Tang Ye to the hospital entrance. She wasn't a very talkative person; after walking in silence for a while, when it was time to stop, she said, "Thank you."
"Don't worry about the money." Tang Ye had a cold, and his voice was nasal.
Ju Nian shook her head, "Thank you for coming."
It was quite a coincidence. While waiting for Fei Ming outside the emergency room, Ju Nian received a call from Tang Ye. They hadn't seen each other since Christmas Eve, and Tang Ye had only given a brief greeting on the phone. Unexpectedly, upon hearing about Fei Ming's situation, he rushed over immediately.
"It seems we have a very strong connection with hospitals." Ju Nian smiled helplessly.
Tang Ye said, "That's also a kind of fate. Go back and stay with your child. I'm leaving now. You should also take care and get some rest. We'll talk about everything after the CT results come out tomorrow."
Ju Nian nodded.
Tang Ye still seemed worried, and added a comforting remark, "Don't think too much. Thinking too much won't help and will only add to your troubles."
Ju Nian said softly, "It's okay. I just think, things have already gotten this bad, how much worse can they get? Thinking like that makes me feel better." She gave a hurried laugh, "At least she's still alive."
Tang Ye looked slightly puzzled. He felt that Xie Junian was like a clear lake, which seemed transparent at first glance, but he didn't know what was settled at the bottom. For example, before this night, he didn't know that she had adopted such a big girl, and she seemed to have no intention of explaining it so far.
Tang Ye had considered whether those girls were her children or not. To be honest, he was only shocked, and felt even more sympathy for her difficult circumstances. Regardless, she must have had her reasons for doing what she did. People are always easily burdened by the past.
They waved goodbye, and Tang Ye walked alone to the archway formed by bougainvillea at the courtyard gate. The rain had just stopped, and a gust of wind swept through, knocking down the water droplets and scattered petals from the leaves, a few of which landed on his shoulder. Tang Ye brushed away the purplish-red petals still wet with water, turned back to Ju Nian, who was still standing a few steps away, and said, "I don't know why, but I suddenly remembered something a friend once told me—he said there are two things in the world that are most helpless: one is a rain of falling petals, and the other is the past. But I think, since the wind has blown it away, then let it go. What do you think?"
----------------------------------------------------
Ju Nian returned to Fei Ming's ward and saw Han Shu waiting there. Having experienced so much, she wasn't surprised at all.
"Feiming...she hasn't woken up yet?" Han Shu asked somewhat awkwardly.
"The doctor gave her medication." Ju Nian paused, then stepped aside as she opened the door. "Do you want to come in?"
"Wait a minute." Han Shuming nodded, then closed the ward door behind him. "I need to talk to you about something. Don't wake her."
Ju Nian glanced at him, but didn't refuse. She walked a few steps away and found a place to sit down. He said he had something to do, and since he didn't say anything, she wasn't in a hurry. The hospital corridor at night was as quiet as the courtyard covered with loquat leaves.
Han Shu suddenly felt a tightness in his chest, and an inexplicable anger rose within him. He paced back and forth in front of her anxiously, pointed at Ju Nian, lowered his voice, and squeezed out a sentence: "You raise his daughter in his place, you raise their daughter in their place, you...you..." He didn't know how to say it. Seeing that she remained silent, he could only helplessly sit down beside her, his whole body enveloped in a sense of powerlessness.
"How could you do this?" he asked, then let out a long sigh and muttered to himself, "Yeah, I should have guessed you would do this. You're incredibly stupid."
The line between "disbelief" and "understanding" is actually very thin. Han Shu consoled himself, thinking, isn't this exactly what Xie Junian would do? Wu Yu is dead. If this child's identity is something that can't be made public and no one wants him, how could she let Wu Yu's child wander outside in hardship? If she would do that, she wouldn't be the Xie Junian she is today.
"Do you think they look alike?" Perhaps the many changes had diluted the estrangement between Ju Nian and Han Shu. She simply sat down next to him and asked casually, without any grudges, resentment, or questions of forgiveness, just like old friends who hadn't seen each other for many years.
Before Han Shu arrived tonight, many people had already offered Ju Nian comfort: teachers from the school, Tang Ye, and Ping Feng, who rushed over upon hearing the news but then left. They expressed sympathy and offered her help. Regarding Fei Ming's existence, some were puzzled, some resentful, and some forgiving… However, none of them truly understood the reasons behind it all, and Ju Nian didn't intend to explain. It wasn't that she was deliberately hiding anything; it was simply that too much time had passed, and many things were difficult to explain from the beginning. Even if she tried her best to explain, some things would remain incomprehensible to others because those people and those events had never truly existed in their memories. Only one person spoke without uttering a word, only one person said, "I should have guessed it would be like this." Ironically, that person was Han Shu.
Although Ju Nian disliked having any further contact with Han Shu, she still had to admit that he was also a part of the past she had experienced. Apart from Chen Jiejie, he was the only one who had witnessed those past events, and they were both inseparable from each other.
Many times, Ju Nian told herself that as long as she remembered that a boy named Wu Yu once existed in this world, and that she was the only one who remembered her little monk, that was enough. Of all the years she had, only those years with the little monk were colorful, truly lived, and vibrant. The following decade or so were fleeting, but thankfully, she had built a world for herself, a world of memories in which she lived peacefully. However, when she held the convulsing Fei Ming in her arms, when she realized with horror that perhaps one day she would lose even Fei Ming, and even this embrace would become empty, what would she have left? Memories? But if these memories existed only in her own heart, who would prove to her that it wasn't just a pipe dream? And what would sustain her little world of survival?
Now, Han Shu is beside her, but he is not himself, not Han Shu; he is a mirror reflecting Xie Junian's past. He truly reminds her that the past is not an illusion.
Han Shu chuckled and replied, "Of course she looks like you. She looks like her father and her mother, but she doesn't look like you at all."
He regretted it as soon as he said it. Hadn't he promised to treat her well from now on? Even though the hug he had envisioned never came to fruition, he still couldn't control his mouth.
Fortunately, Ju Nian didn't seem to mind too much. She leaned back lazily in her chair, and Han Shu glanced down unintentionally. The light in the corridor made the two shadows on the terrazzo floor very close. He slightly changed his posture, and they really looked like they were snuggling together.
"So that's why Chen Jiejie seemed to have disappeared from the face of the earth for a year or two. She could abandon her own daughter; what's the point of having her in the first place? Has she never thought of coming back to find Feiming all these years?" Han Shu was afraid that too much silence would end that "cuddling" moment, so he had to say something. But asking this question only fueled his anger. "I knew she definitely hadn't. That woman is so dishonest. By the way, does she even know that Feiming is being raised by you?"
Ju Nian said, "I didn't know before, but I think I know now."
Han Shu slapped his thigh. "She called me a few days ago, asking about you indirectly. I thought she was concerned about me..." He stopped there, coughed to cover up his embarrassment, and continued, "But thinking about it, it's not surprising. I doubt she would dare to acknowledge the child now."
"Yeah?"
"Do you still think the Chen family is as powerful as it used to be? A few years ago, Chen Jiejie's father failed in his investment and stumbled badly on a project. Since then, the Chen family has been declining day by day. Now, they are only maintaining their superficial prosperity because of their in-laws."
Ju Nian thought of the couple she had seen at the supermarket that day, "That's not bad either."
Han Shu sneered, "Whether it's good or not, only she knows. Didn't she get divorced a few years ago? She stayed abroad, living a carefree life, but in the end, she still had to slink back to remarry. Without the Zhou family, she'd probably be washing dishes abroad later. You can't be indebted to someone who takes your money, so she's been behaving herself these past few years. Luckily, she had a son, otherwise, her life might not have been so easy. If I were her, I'm afraid I would have kept Fei Ming's affair a secret, and I would never have told anyone."
He glanced at Ju Nian, softened his tone, and continued, "Although Fei Ming was born to her, she never raised him for a single day. In a way, she doesn't have as much of a connection as you do with the child. You didn't rely on her in the past, and even now, you don't necessarily need to. As for Fei Ming… don't worry about Fei Ming. I'm here. I will…"
He had never spoken so awkwardly before. He was both embarrassed and nervous, afraid that he would offend her if he spoke too bluntly, and afraid that he would be too subtle and she would not understand the other meaning.
Ju Nian was indeed somewhat surprised and couldn't help but glance at Han Shu. Under her gaze, Han Shu didn't know how to continue speaking, so he hurriedly pulled out a card and shoved it haphazardly into her hand.
Ju Nian was startled and immediately stood up. "What...sigh...no need..."