Although wine doesn't intoxicate, it can embolden one. Zhu Xiaobei pondered Da Niu's words, which seemed to have no flaws. Since it was a natural progression, and he was shy, why not let her do it?
Zhu Xiaobei really went to the men's restroom, and Jiangnan wasn't there. She found him in a corner of the small restaurant where miscellaneous items were stored. He was sitting on the floor against the wall, and whether he was lucid or confused, he still opened his eyes and smiled and called out, "Xiaobei," after she sat down next to him.
"Why are you pretending if you can't drink?" Zhu Xiaobei said in a muffled voice.
Jiangnan chuckled twice.
"You came all this way to find me? You're so kind, Xiao Bei."
I don't know if he noticed, but Zhu Xiaobei's fair face, which was usually as tough as iron, was now completely flushed.
"Of course I'd like to." The joy she felt by his side made her decide to take Da Niu's advice. Since it was bound to happen sooner or later, someone had to say it first. Xiao Bei cleared her throat, and her next words would be: Jiang Nan, actually, I like you.
But Jiangnan was a second ahead of her.
He said, "Today you said I'm really useless, which reminded me of the Uyghur girl I like. She said something similar."
Zhu Xiaobei broke out in a cold sweat. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, vaguely feeling that she had escaped a disaster, but felt no joy whatsoever. After saying this, Jiang Nan continued to half-asleep by the wall, perhaps unaware that someone beside him had been shaken to their core.
When Da Niu, who had been waiting for good news nearby, reappeared in front of Zhu Xiaobei, Xiaobei's first reaction was to pin her against the wall and reach out with both hands to strangle the dead woman. Da Niu, her face flushed red, broke free from Zhu Xiaobei's clutches, screaming "Wah wah!"
"Are you crazy? This isn't how you celebrate."
Just moments ago, Xiao Bei was full of energy, but now she was dejected. She said to Da Niu, "I almost fell for your trick. I suddenly realized that I don't like Jiangnan at all. Someone as pure as me should always be pure white, forever pure white."
The young woman rubbed her neck dismissively, but finally asked curiously, "Won't Jiangnan be particularly disappointed?"
Xiao Bei hooked his arm around Da Niu and went back to drink with his classmates. As they walked, he spread his hands and said in a very profound tone, "Feelings can't be forced."
Indeed, feelings cannot be forced; Zhu Xiaobei had long ago recorded this truth in her notebook filled with life maxims. Later, as she grew older, met more and more people, and read more and more books, she still felt lingering fear when she recalled that scene with Jiang Nan. His proactive advances towards her were perhaps simply because he instinctively gravitated towards the first person who was kind to him in an unfamiliar place. Zhu Xiaobei unwittingly stepped into that situation, unable to extricate herself, yet she preferred to bury her shattered dreams deep within. From then on, Xiaobei was unfortunate enough to fall into a long, unrequited love—a love that everyone around her believed was openly in love with her.
If everyone says they like you, but he's the only one who hasn't said it, then it might not be true.
Xiao Bei thought that when she was about to die, when she only had one breath left, she would definitely leave a message for her descendants (if she had any): If you loved a boy when you were young, please, please, please don't confess it.
Perhaps she will even have it engraved on her epitaph.
After Jiang Nan sobered up, he completely forgot what he had said that day. Zhu Xiaobei continued to act like a buddy with him, seemingly no different from any other friend. After the college entrance examination, Xiaobei was admitted to a university in the distant city of G, while Jiang Nan returned to Xinjiang, which his parents had deliberately taken him away from, under the pretext of going to university.
One is named Xiao Bei, the other Jiang Nan. Are they destined to be worlds apart?
After going south to study, Xiao Bei listened to her mother and studied and studied. She never dated anyone, until this "obedience" became the biggest worry in Zhu Xiao Bei's mother's heart.
After graduating with a bachelor's degree, Xiao Bei ignored the advice of all his relatives and friends and was admitted to a master's program at a university in Xinjiang. After crossing the boundless desert and grassland, he finally saw the Jiangnan region of his dreams.
Jiangnan already had a job in the southern Xinjiang city where he grew up, and he personally picked up Xiaobei. Before Xiaobei started school, he took several days off and took her to every place he had ever described. On the night before the trip ended, they went to see the Gobi Desert under the moonlight. The moon, unchanging for millennia, shrouded the vast wilderness, so serene and beautiful as a dream, with an unreal, illusory quality, and the people talking side by side seemed to be murmuring in a dream.
Jiangnan talked on and on about the girl he loved, about their childhood sweetheart relationship, their joys and sorrows. He said that the girl loved him too, as steadfastly as he was, but even now, intermarriage between Uyghurs and Han Chinese is still rare. Not to mention her own people, even Jiangnan's parents were firmly against it. They hoped that he would marry a girl of equal social standing, and more importantly, someone with a similar faith, to spend his life with.
Zhu Xiaobei then asked, "Your relationship is enviable, but your parents' concerns are not without reason. Besides her, haven't you ever tried to like anyone else, not even a little bit?"
She had expected that someone as sentimental as him would give her the answer she envisioned, but Jiangnan thought about it for a long time.
He later said, "Actually, it does happen. No matter how steadfast the feelings are, unexpected heartbeats are inevitable. But just like an oasis versus a grassland, or two years versus twenty years, many people can only choose the latter."
Needless to say, he was one of those "many people".
It was at this moment that Zhu Xiaobei realized that Jiang Nan probably understood why she had come from so far away, and what she hadn't had time to say back then.
He had searched so tirelessly for an oasis, but in the end he would return to his grasslands; he had been tempted for a while during those two years, but compared to twenty years, it was just a fleeting moment, what did it amount to?
She was that oasis and the fleeting feelings that stirred my heart over those two years.
Zhu Xiaobei patted Jiang Nan on the shoulder and returned to her school in Urumqi, back to her familiar routine. She spent her days in various laboratories, exchanging harmless jokes with new friends; the days passed like a windmill. A year later, she received a wedding invitation from Jiang Nan. He and his Uyghur girl had finally overcome all obstacles and tied the knot. When Zhu Xiaobei rushed to congratulate them, having used most of her allowance for the past six months, she discovered their daughter was already a month old.
That was the first time Xiao Bei met Jiang Nan's beloved girl; her name was Kanman'er. Kanman'er means "moon" in Uyghur, and even the usually self-assured Xiao Bei had to admit that her face was as radiant as the moon. Just as Jiang Nan had said, she had dreamlike eyes.
The birth of their newborn made it impossible for either set of parents to stop Jiangnan and Kanman'er from falling in love. They got married, and their love story, which had overcome all obstacles, had a happy ending. However, on their celebratory bonfire night for their official wedding, there weren't many guests to offer their congratulations. The banquet ended early, leaving only the newlyweds holding their baby and Zhu Xiaobei all alone.
It wasn't until Zhu Xiaobei came that she realized the immense price they had paid to be together. Leaving aside Jiang Nan's parents, Kanman'er's family finally stopped interfering, but that didn't mean they had truly accepted Jiang Nan. Even though Jiang Nan changed himself for Kanman'er, it still wasn't enough. After Kanman'er moved in with Jiang Nan, her entire family and all her friends distanced themselves from her, no longer inviting her to any events or gatherings. When they played their hand drums and sang their folk songs, these things were no longer relevant to Kanman'er. She had been completely abandoned by the people she cared about, as if she had never existed. She gradually realized that besides her husband Jiang Nan and her young child, there was no one else in her life.
Escaping this awkward situation, in the second year of their marriage, Jiangnan took advantage of a job transfer to move with his wife and children to a neighboring city. There were more Han Chinese people there, but Kanman'er's Mandarin wasn't very good, and since her family hadn't given her much education, she couldn't find suitable work and had to stay home to care for the children. Jiangnan's work became increasingly demanding, and the differences between them became more pronounced, gradually leading to arguments between the once loving couple. Kanman'er felt like she was standing alone on a deserted island; she grew increasingly thin.
When even her little notebook couldn't solve Zhu Xiaobei's confusion, she confided these secrets to her smartest friend, Ruan Ruan. Ruan Ruan said that some people would choose the rugged path over a smooth one, because they believe that true love requires overcoming obstacles.
But even true love can succumb to too many obstacles.
The year after Zhu Xiaobei was admitted to her doctoral program, Kanman, who had long been depressed, died of stomach cancer. Zhu Xiaobei visited her because she was worried about Jiangnan. The once bright and beautiful Kanman was now withered and frail before her death, but when Jiangnan held her child and looked at her, his eyes held the same look as when he saw her at her most beautiful.
On her deathbed, Kanman'er held Jiangnan's hand tightly, refusing to let go. She loved calling Jiangnan by the name "Ailipu Aka," "Aka" being a woman's nickname for her lover in Uyghur, while "Ailipu" was the Uyghur name she gave him. At that time, Zhu Xiaobei had been in Xinjiang for over three years and had gained some understanding of the local customs and traditions. If Jiangnan was Ailipu, then Kanman'er must have considered herself Sainaim. Their love story has been passed down through Uyghur legends and folk songs, even sung by Daolang:
We were childhood sweethearts and made a promise to meet at the foot of Tianshan Mountain.
We were originally the happiest people in the world.
Sainaim, you are the most beautiful pomegranate flower in the garden.
I, Ailipu, am but a lonely Aka (brother) on Bogda.
The nightingale's song accompanied her every night.
My music, however, drifted to the distant Bogda.
For love, I was banished to the ends of the earth.
Could it be that being able to stay with you in this life has become a myth?
......
Xiao Bei remembers that in the story, Ailipu and Sainaim traveled through mountains and rivers and went through many hardships, but in the end they did not find happiness. Isn't the same true for Jiangnan Hekanmaner in reality?
After Man'er's death, Zhu Xiaobei stayed in Jiangnan for nearly half a month, taking care of his and the child's daily needs, until Jiangnan, who had never shed a tear, said, "Go, Xiaobei."
Xiao Bei said, "Do you think I want to see you die? But I can't let you really die here like this."
Jiangnan shook his head, holding his daughter. "I won't die. Xiaobei, don't let me hold you back. Find a good man to marry."
Everyone says a child can't live without a mother, and he really did follow his family's arrangements and started going on blind dates a year later. Zhu Xiaobei had to accept a reality: even though she had seriously considered the feasibility of becoming a stepmother, risking being beaten to death by her mother, Jiang Nan had considered many women he had never met, but he had never considered her, even though she had once been his oasis and the object of his affection for two years.
He once said, "Xiao Bei, you're too good for me, so I can't have you. You're a young and beautiful female PhD, there's absolutely no need for you to stay with an ordinary widowed man. I'm afraid that one day you'll find out that I'm not as wonderful as you imagine."
She truly hoped that the day he spoke of would come, but the opportunity never arose. He always said she was wonderful, but why didn't he want someone as wonderful as Zhu Xiaobei?
After obtaining her doctorate, Zhu Xiaobei returned to G City as she had wished. Her mother's strict upbringing terrified her; her friends were all getting married. Not only had the girl next door already married Uncle Wang's son, but even Zheng Wei was a mother. Xiaobei began diligently searching for a "good man" she could marry. She had some good prospects, but they were gone in the blink of an eye.
After confronting her unfaithful prosecutor boyfriend, Zhu Xiaobei's daughter, Aguyi, fell seriously ill. Partly to escape the mess here, and partly because she was worried about Jiangnan, Zhu Xiaobei returned to Xinjiang once again, this time staying for more than half a year. She watched Aguyi's illness gradually recover, and not long before Aguyi was discharged from the hospital, Aguyi still took it upon herself to call Aunt Zhu Xiaobei "Mom".
Zhu Xiaobei, who could tell dirty jokes without batting an eye, blushed deeply at the sound of "Mom." Jiang Nan, standing nearby, seemed lost in thought but didn't stop him. Before Zhu Xiaobei returned to G City, his countless blind dates were merely to give young Aguyi a mother. He wasn't bad off; even as a widow with a child, many women were willing to marry him. Yet, until Xiaobei's return, he hadn't had a single woman by his side.
On the way home from the hospital, Aguyi fell asleep. Jiangnan remained silent for a long time before finally saying, "Xiaobei, would you like to be Aguyi's hungry mother?"
Zhu Xiaobei had waited no less than ten years for this hint. She thought she would be moved to tears, but she didn't. After a moment of surprise, she gave her own answer.
"I'm sorry, Jiangnan, I don't want to."
She would rather wait until she's old and gray, and meet Jiangnan at the senior university. They might play ping-pong together, their backs hunched over. Maybe Jiangnan will fall in love with Zhu Xiaobei then, and she'll marry him in her old age, instead of nodding and becoming Agu's mother now.
This time, after saying goodbye to Jiangnan and Aguyi, Zhu Xiaobei returned to the Northeast. There, although her mother would scold her for being useless, she was still the mother she could whine and beg for. Zhu's mother anxiously hugged her tearful daughter, while Zhu's father hurriedly peeled a piece of candy for her. Zhu Xiaobei put the White Rabbit milk candy in her mouth; it was still her favorite taste. Then she thought, actually, some things aren't such a big deal.
After regaining her senses, she vaguely recalled that before leaving G City, a young boy she was mentoring in the lab asked her with reluctance, "Senior sister, when are you coming back?"
At that moment, Zhu Xiaobei was taking advantage of the boy with a sly grin. She put her arm around his shoulder and made an exaggerated expression of heartbreak, saying, "What, you miss me? There's no future for us..."
The student, a senior in college, blushed and stammered, "Why...why..."
Thinking of this, Zhu Xiaobei couldn't help but feel like laughing out loud. What was there to be afraid of? The road ahead was long, and countless young men with rosy lips and white teeth were waiting for her to seduce them.
A few days later, she packed her bags and prepared to leave again. Zheng Wei called her. After hearing about what had happened between her and Jiang Nan, Zheng Wei was even more anxious. "Zhu Bei, you're so stupid! You let Han Shu, such a good piece of meat, fly away. Jiang Nan finally opened his mouth, isn't this what you've been waiting for? What are you trying to do? Is it so hard for you to find a man?"
Zhu Xiaobei chuckled. Actually, this matter was neither easy nor difficult.
Many people say that as long as a woman is willing to compromise, many men can walk hand in hand with her through a happy life. Life itself is a series of compromises, and many people have gone through it all. Xiao Bei knows this, but what does it have to do with her? Others are other people; they are not Zhu Xiao Bei.