Corriendo de un lado a otro y desempeñando papeles secundarios

Capítulo 21

He and I are from two different worlds. My parents are ordinary farmers who worked hard to send me to school. From the very beginning, they placed too many hopes on me. They hoped that I could make something of myself and change their impoverished life of working from sunrise to sunset. And I was very obedient and studied very hard. From a young age, my diligence and talent earned me the title of a child prodigy in the local area.

As I read more and more books, I realized I had a talent for reading, and I hoped that in this prosperous and enlightened era, I could realize my ambitions and contribute my meager strength to the country and its people. I think this wish of mine is the dream of every scholar. When I was fifteen, my poems began to sweep the country, and there was another name that echoed my own: Su Shi.

We are like two unique flowers in the poetry world, and people say that Xu Duanzheng is in the south and Su Zizhan is in the north.

Li Yuxuan's name remained unknown until the imperial examination, when his brilliant strategy for governing the country, written in one stroke, made everyone look at him with new respect.

It was at this point that I began to re-examine him.

What I truly admire about him is that he would rather defy the emperor's wishes than marry Princess Fu'an, risking his life to give up a golden opportunity to rise in status.

He was very easygoing, chatting and laughing with everyone, but I noticed that he actually maintained a certain distance from everyone. There always seemed to be some inexplicable vicissitudes hidden in his smile.

It wasn't until the day I learned he was an orphan that I understood the meaning of his profound sorrow. And I admired him even more.

He wanted to become sworn brothers with me and Su Shi. Although I knew they were both from noble families, while my parents were just commoners, I happily agreed. I don't know why, but when I was with him, I always felt a faint warmth and happiness.

He is a very thoughtful person. He knows about my family, but he never says anything. He is just very careful to consider my feelings during gatherings and never talks about this topic. He always insists on paying the bill and says that money spent on friends is a good thing, and that money is well spent.

He talks like that, so unpredictable; in his own words, that's what a true gentleman, a true romantic. From initially finding it strange to now liking it, I know I've been corrupted by him.

The strangest thing is that when you walk up to him, you can always smell a faint fragrance. At first, I thought it was the scent of his clothes, but now I know it wasn't. He had been escorting the silver for so many days, he had neither the time nor the means to scent his clothes, yet the fragrance on his body remained. Moreover, I noticed that the more he sweated, the stronger the fragrance became.

This characteristic of his made me think he was a woman many times.

His skin was very fair, and his hands were also very fair. I once touched his hands one night, and I still remember the feeling. I was stunned, as if I had been struck by lightning. They were warm, soft, and delicate hands, even more enchanting than a woman's hands. Although I have only ever touched my mother's hands, a man's intuition tells me that the owner of these hands is definitely not a man.

I noticed he blushed too and quickly withdrew his hand. I was startled by my own thought—how could a dignified scholar like myself be a woman?

Perhaps it's because I've spent so much time with Prince Xin that I've been influenced by his ideas and started to develop feelings for men. So I'm very conflicted, extremely conflicted. I'm so conflicted that I'm overthinking and distracted.

People say he has an affair with Prince Xin, but after spending time with him these past few days, I've found that both he and Prince Xin are actually very open and honest people, or perhaps they are both very shrewd. But in my eyes, they are both very endearing.

Prince Xin did have some feelings for him, which I could see in the way Prince Xin looked at him. But his feelings for Prince Xin were no different from his feelings for me. He's a smart man and knows how to protect himself. Yet, I've always worried about him, afraid that he might inadvertently become interested in men like I have.

Every time I see him laughing and talking with Prince Xin, I feel a tightness in my chest and a sense of unease. I admit I don't want to see him with Prince Xin. Seeing them together always reminds me of some sordid things.

I know they are friends, and I despise my own pettiness.

But he was truly different from other men, and different from the women I saw. Every time I gazed at him from the corner, imagining him as a woman in a dress, I thought, how wonderful it would be if he were really a woman.

I know I'm greedy. Being brothers with him is a blessing I've accumulated over several lifetimes. No wonder people say brothers are like limbs, and women are like clothes. I used to dislike that saying, thinking that finding a woman you love and spending your life with her was such a happy thing, something to be cherished and protected like a treasure. But now, I'm starting to waver. I think no woman will ever be as important to me as him. For his happiness, I'm willing to give up everything.

Every morning when I wake up and see his bright smile and his slightly slanted phoenix eyes, my day is filled with joy.

When he was kidnapped by bandits last time, my anxiety was beyond words. For a moment, I even thought that if he died, I wouldn't want to live either. I could tell that Prince Xin and Master Zhan were just as anxious. We plotted together for a long time. Master Zhan's wisdom and experience in the martial arts world, and Prince Xin's unassuming nature, made me admire them even more.

Some people can be loyal friends, but become mortal enemies.

I am very fortunate to be friends with them, and I am also very fortunate that Li Yuxuan has such friends.

We rescued him, his body covered in bruises and his face muddy. He was being held captive by the enemy, yet he smiled at us. At that moment, I was deeply moved—moved by our camaraderie forged in life-or-death situations, and by his smile. Afterwards, I asked him if he was afraid, and he gave me the same smile: "I knew you would save me."

Despite his composure in the face of the enemy, he was completely indifferent to his own well-being in his daily life. Occasionally, he would act like a childish rogue. When he was being a rogue, he was incredibly eloquent, and none of us could out-argue him. His stubbornness and persistence always reminded me of a folk song from my hometown: "Unbreakable, unyielding, unexplosive, a truly resounding copper pea."

That night I went to deliver his medicine. He was already asleep. Looking back now, he seemed flustered by my visit. His expression was unusually shy. His black hair hung down on his snow-white neck, giving him a devilishly alluring beauty. Although he quickly put on his outer clothes, my eyes inexplicably caught sight of his snow-white undergarment, which was slightly disheveled from sleeping, revealing what appeared to be a subtle curve underneath.

At that moment, waves of heat involuntarily surged through my abdomen, and in that instant, my masculine virility, which had been suppressed for many years, was aroused.

In a daze, I grabbed his hands. To this day, I can't recall what I said. I only know that when I woke up the next day, I was in the bed in Prince Xin's room. That night, I had a series of erotic dreams. When I woke up, my pants were wet, and I was so ashamed that I wanted to kill myself by banging my head against the wall.

I've always been a very self-disciplined person. My upbringing taught me that I shouldn't be attracted to men, so after that night, I started intentionally avoiding him. However, he didn't seem to care; his gaze remained gentle and bright, without any ulterior motives. Under that gaze, I felt even more ashamed. I was deeply remorseful for having such thoughts about him. Every few minutes, I reminded myself that he was my brother, and I couldn't tolerate the slightest disrespect towards him.

So when I was injured, his little hand covered my wound. Although my heart fluttered, I could calmly look at his hand and accept his care.

He cared about me. When the robber's sword came at me, and I thought I was going to die, my gaze fell on his face, and I saw the despair and sadness in his eyes.

Having brothers like these is enough for a fulfilling life.

But I didn't die; he was captured again. I immediately rushed out of the tent, leaped onto a horse, and chased after the bandits. I heard the voices of Prince Xin and Zhan Zhao behind me, telling me not to be reckless. I knew it would be dangerous for me to go like this. I am just a scholar born in the south, with no strength to even kill a chicken. How could I possibly go to the bandits to save him?

But I couldn't care less about that anymore. All I knew was that one more person meant one more source of strength, and that he couldn't die.

I spurred my horse and galloped at full speed, but I couldn't keep up with the bandits. By daybreak, I had completely lost track of them. I could only continue chasing them by following their hoofprints and the horse droppings left by the horses along the way.

In the afternoon, I saw their campsite, but found nothing about Li Yuxuan. It's clear he lacked experience in the martial world; at a time like this, he should have left some tokens along the way to help us rescue him.

I continued following the trail. That night, I let my horse rest on the grassland for a while, but I couldn't sleep. The next morning, I reached a small desert town within the territory of Western Xia. I lost all trace of them.

The town is surrounded by desert on three sides and grassland on only one side. I guess they left from the desert, because only the desert sands can't leave the hoofprints.

While I was investigating their whereabouts in the desert on three sides, the innkeeper who had lunch with me told me some news. Last night, a large group of people had stayed at his inn. Among them, two people were tied up. One was a young man wearing a blue robe like mine, and the other was a woman. He remembered them well because the woman was very beautiful. However, when the group went out this morning, both the man and the woman were gone.

I know for sure that these two must be Li Yuxuan and Li Xinyun.

I asked the waiter to take me to the woodshed where they had stayed the night before. In the woodshed, I found a handkerchief embroidered with Su Shi's name. I vaguely remembered that Li Yuxuan had once lost a handkerchief belonging to Su Shi. I guess he had embezzled this handkerchief.

After hearing the waiter's words and seeing the handkerchief, I felt relieved. I thought that with Li Xinyun's martial arts skills, they must have escaped. Moreover, since we were in the territory of the Western Xia Kingdom, Li Xinyun might have gone directly to the capital of Western Xia.

So I inquired about the direction of Helan Mountain and decided to go there first to wait for Prince Xin and Zhan Zhao. I entrusted a merchant who had returned to Gansu to take a letter to Prince Xin, telling him everything, and then I hurried towards Helan Mountain.

extra

Li Yuxuan has been captured by the enemy again, which is causing me unbearable pain. I once said that as long as I am here, I will not let anyone hurt her. My words are still ringing in my ears, but she has been captured by the enemy again and again.

If Zhan Zhao hadn't stopped me, and if my safety hadn't jeopardized the innocent soldiers around me, I would have done the same as Xu Qingzhi, chasing after him without a second thought.

I walked along the road like a trapped beast. I had to complete my mission and deliver the silver safely to Western Xia. This was my responsibility, my responsibility to this country and its people.

Zhan Zhao walked beside me, his eyes filled with pity; he knew what I was thinking. Just last night, he asked me, or rather, he told me, that Li Yuxuan was a woman.

I didn't say anything. Some things are better left unsaid. He's a smart man.

Zhan Zhao and I led the way, while Sui Yin followed behind us, escorted by five hundred Imperial Guards disguised as a merchant caravan, keeping a respectful distance. Throughout the journey, the three of us were merely a decoy; Zhan Zhao was the real protagonist. Sui Yin remained under his protection. All we carried were scrap metal and junk.

If Li Yuxuan knew that she had been playing the role of a target all along, I wonder what she would think? Would she laugh it off, or would she punch us in the chest and curse us as bastards?

She might scold me, but she would never scold Xu Qingzhi or Zhan Zhao, I know that. Xu Qingzhi is a gentleman, and Zhan Zhao is a hero.

In her mind, I was a stereotypical little person.

If someone dared to call me a fox to my face, I would definitely consider it a derogatory term. But when she said it with a smile, I was genuinely delighted. She would only be so unrestrained with me when she was no longer wary of me. I took it as her unique nickname for me.

Just like when she sometimes called Xu Qingzhi a fool, Xu Qingzhi would beam with joy.

Men are all the same when they act like idiots. I admit I acted like one, and my colleague Lao Xu was unknowingly sliding step by step into the abyss of idiocy. But I know he doesn't.

To be fair, Li Yuxuan's disguise as a man was quite successful. If it weren't for spending so many days together, and if I hadn't been surrounded by women for so long and become so familiar with them, I wouldn't have been able to see through her disguise so easily.

Just thinking about how she's trying to cover up having a wife at home makes me laugh in my sleep. That's such a cunning move.

Unfortunately, her opponent was me.

The name she gave me is actually quite fitting; I am indeed a fox. The fact that I've remained the Emperor's favorite despite the Crown Prince's suspicions speaks volumes about my shrewdness and worldliness.

I stand high in the imperial court, revered and feared by people.

Those who understand me know that I am an upright person, someone you can entrust your life to, like Zhan Zhao, Ouyang Xiu, or the Emperor... Those who don't understand me only see my sensual pleasures and think I am dissolute and depraved.

I don't care what others think of me, because I was born into royalty and had no other choice.

But I cared a lot about what she thought of me. Her comment about a fox revealed all my true feelings. She called me a real villain, and at that moment, I wondered if she could see through my appearance to the helplessness and struggle within me. If so, her bright, almond-shaped eyes couldn't possibly be more innocent than my ox-like eyes.

What kind of experiences did she go through to have such the ability to see through appearances and understand people's hearts? But I am certain of one thing: she is looking at me with her heart.

Perhaps it was precisely because of my initial skepticism towards her that she cared so much about me?

At the Qionglin Banquet that day, a subtle movement of hers caught my eye. I was flirting with a palace maid at the time… My gaze inadvertently swept over her and I saw her tilting her head, rubbing her temples with her left hand, as if she were struggling with the effects of the alcohol. Looking at her more closely, I noticed her slightly upturned, straight eyebrows, her slightly slanted phoenix eyes, her straight nose, and her tightly pursed lips. Her features possessed an exotic charm that didn't belong to the Central Plains. The bright red official robe draped over her slender frame made her appear at first glance to be a handsome, frail scholar. But in my eyes, that unintentional movement told me that she was either effeminate or a true empress. Because those slightly furrowed brows, so delicate and pitiful, were something only a woman could have. Or perhaps, like the actors in my household, she was a fake man.

And her appearance—how could a man from outside Bianliang City have such a face? Listening to people praising her ethereal beauty, I let go of the palace maid's hand and walked towards her.

I leaned closer to talk to her and heard her voice was very deep, unlike a woman's coquettishness. We drank together, and she was very forthright, but I always felt that something was wrong. There was a kind of mystery about her that I couldn't resist.

To be honest, in this male-dominated world, it's a bit unbelievable that a woman could have reached such a position that countless men covet.

Her androgynous nature only fueled my desire to find out more. Behind me lay not just myself, but the entire nation and the world.

I admit I had my own ulterior motives in this. The way her eyebrows were slightly furrowed immediately attracted me. I've had many women, but none have ever made my heart flutter like that.

Soon, I found out about her background. She had moved here from Changzhou five years ago with only a pageboy. Soon, news came from Changzhou that the portrait she brought looked very much like the daughter of Li De, the prefect of Changzhou, whose entire family was massacred five years ago.

Li De had a son and a daughter, Li Yuxuan and Li Youying, who were both suspected to have died in that tragedy.

I know about this tragedy; it shocked the entire city of Bianliang. The Li family, including their servants and fifty-six members, perished. The entire prefectural government office was burned to the ground. The Emperor ordered the Kaifeng Prefecture to thoroughly investigate the case, but it was delayed. The findings were too damaging for the court to continue, and the matter was eventually dropped.

I decided to go find her to verify my evidence.

Before that, she had married in a grand and ostentatious manner.

But she didn't know that I existed in this world, and that Zhan Zhao was also one of the people who knew the truth about that tragedy. He was the one in charge of the case at the time. I think he would be familiar with the names Li Yuxuan and Li Youying.

Their appearances are also familiar.

Although he was in officialdom, he was a true江湖 (jianghu, a term referring to the world of martial arts and chivalry) man. Even if he knew everything, he wouldn't say it. He only told me this fact yesterday.

It's ridiculous that I was actually thinking about how to prevent him from discovering Li Yuxuan's true identity.

Li Yuxuan knew I suspected her identity, and she frankly told me about her background, except for the fact that she was a woman disguised as a man. Her quick wit made me realize that I had met my match.

I didn't expose her. I wanted to see how she would achieve her revenge in the court, or perhaps I suddenly wanted to play a cat-and-mouse game. Or maybe it was all intentional; I just wanted to see her around me, to see her avoid me, be wary of me, yet have no choice but to face me.

I've been lonely for too long and longed for something to warm my heart. Her background made me inexplicably sympathize with her, and her being a woman made me involuntarily concerned for her.

This time, when I came to deliver the New Year's money, I could have just picked two military officers at random, but she and Xu Qingzhi offended the Princess of Wei, and they wanted to take this opportunity to put them in their place, so I had no choice but to come along.

Along the way, she went from being wary of me to being open with me, and then to seeing me as a brother like Xu Qingzhi. I finally slowly gained a place in her heart. Like a young man experiencing his first love, I paid close attention to her every move.

However, the way she looked at me was never as gentle as when she looked at Xu Qingzhi. She spent more time paying attention to Xu Qingzhi than to me. Even when she looked at Zhan Zhao with adoration, I could see the affection in her eyes.

That affection, however, was reserved only for me. She looked at me with the eyes of a good friend, not with the eyes of a man.

I think if I were her, I wouldn't be attracted to a playboy like me, who's known to everyone. That's my tragedy.

My greater sorrow is that I know her background, that our identities are worlds apart, and that one day she will find out the truth about her identity. Zhan Zhao must think so too, which is why he deliberately came to tell me.

Actually, I really don't care about giving up my identity and wandering the world with her.

If that day could come, I would really be willing.

I think I must have owed her a debt of gratitude in my past life to fall in love with this woman so inexplicably.

Xu Qingzhi also fell in love with this woman. His avoidance and panic towards Li Yuxuan, his inexplicable blank stares and smiles, almost made me tell him the truth several times. If she can't marry me, Xu Qingzhi and Zhan Zhao are both good choices for her.

If I can't make her happy, I hope she can find someone who can.