Une jeunesse errante

Chapitre 18

At dawn, Yang Xueli, who had tossed and turned all night, gently got up. Her maid was fast asleep, and her wet nurse hadn't gotten up yet. She decided to take this opportunity to quickly wash and dress. After washing and dressing, she changed into the new clothes Lei Yongxiang had recently commissioned. The snow-white dress was made from the finest fabric, soft and flowing against her skin, accentuating her graceful figure and making her indescribably beautiful.

It's time to leave quickly, before the maid and wet nurse are still fast asleep.

Pushing open the carved door, a chilly morning breeze swept over me, penetrating to my very core. Descending the steps, I couldn't help but pause and look back. The rising sun illuminated the clouds on the horizon; it was getting late. What was I still hesitating about?

Without a second thought, she walked into the osmanthus grove, pulled the phoenix hairpin from her hair, and glistening tears streamed down her beautiful face, her eyes filled with sorrow and despair.

Brother Xiang, don't blame me, let's end it all!

Yang Xueli gripped the phoenix hairpin tightly, aiming it at her chest. All she had to do was stab it; once she did, it would all be over. But when Lei Yongxiang's panicked, furious figure flashed into her broken tears, she almost burst into sobs.

Why?

Wouldn't it be better to end it all?

As the autumn wind rises, golden and silver sands dance wildly across the sky; after the autumn wind passes, tearful eyes meet. One is wounded by love, yet never regrets it; the other is in turmoil, her heart breaking with pain.

A silver current flashed by, and the white fox wagged its tail and cried out joyfully.

In the morning light, Qing Jianyue, Cai Bo'an, and Cai Zhonghe hurried over. Yang Xueli was startled; her phoenix hairpin slipped and fell to the ground. Qing Jianyue walked towards her, stepping on the golden and silver dust, bent down to pick up the hairpin, and placed it in her cloud-like, beautiful hair. She smiled and said, "The phoenix hairpin looks best here. But if it were inserted into your chest, it wouldn't look so beautiful; it would only be a tragedy. Don't you think so, Xueli?"

Yang Xueli swayed slightly and said in a trembling voice, "Young Master Yue."

"Ha, you finally got it right this time." Qingjian Yue laughed, "There's a reward! But, Shirley, are you really that unwilling to marry me? You actually came here so early in the morning looking for death. Oh dear, Shirley, you've broken my heart."

Despite saying that, the smile on his face didn't diminish at all.

Yang Xueli's eyes were filled with sorrow. "Young Master Jianyue, I cannot marry you."

"Hmm, anything else?" Qingjian Yue's cheerful tone suddenly turned stern. "Xueli, since you have the courage to commit suicide, why don't you have the courage to confess to Lei Yongxiang?"

Lei Yongxiang was taken aback by what he heard. Yang Xueli, however, turned pale, her red lips trembled slightly, and her eyes were filled with panic.

"You not only love Lei Yongqing, you also love Lei Yongxiang, right?"

Kiyoshi's words sent a shockwave through Lei Yongxiang and nearly drove Yang Xueli mad, screaming in panic, "No, I didn't, I didn't. Nanny, nanny!"

The nanny rushed out, desperately hugging Yang Xueli and pleading, "Young Master Jianyue, please, don't do this! You promised to help our girl!"

“Nanny, if you protect her like this, sooner or later she’ll either prick herself with that hairpin or hang herself. If you don’t believe me, ask your girl what she came here for this morning. To admire the flowers? Sherry, don’t play dumb, that’s what a fool would do.”

"No, please, please."

Yang Xueli clung to her wet nurse like a drowning person grasping at a straw, refusing to let go. Qing Jianyue pulled the wet nurse away and slapped her across the face. Grandma screamed, Lei Yongxiang roared, and the Cai brothers, who were on guard, grabbed him.

"Let me go!" Lei Yongxiang roared. "Qing Jianyue, she's a woman, how dare you hit her!"

Yang Xueli covered her face, stunned.

Kiyoshi snorted, "Lei Yongxiang, you spoiled her, that's why she's become like this."

Lei Yongxiang retorted angrily, "Whether I spoil her or not is none of your business."

Cai Zhonghe said, "Brother Yongxiang, good medicine tastes bitter and makes one sick, while honest advice is hard to hear but beneficial. Calm down and let Yue finish speaking."

Qing Jianyue glared at Yang Xueli and said coldly, "I hate women like you the most. You're always whining and complaining, as if you're the only one who's unfortunate. Miss Zhou is even more miserable than you, but she doesn't act crazy and seek pity like you do. All you think about is your suffering, your sorrow, and your grief. All you think about is how you've been hurt. Have you ever thought about how you've hurt others?"

Yang Xueli covered her face and cried.

Kiyomi Tsuki shouted sternly, "Stop crying."

Yang Xueli shuddered and forced herself to swallow her sobs.

"Do you know why I hit you? I hit you because I hate your selfishness, thinking only of your own relief without caring about whether others will be hurt. I hate your cowardice and incompetence even more. Happiness is something you have to fight for yourself, not something God or anyone else can give you. Also, I don't care that you bit me, but it was wrong of you to stab Miss Zhou with the hairpin. What if you had really hurt her?"

Upon hearing this, the three men finally realized what was going on.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry." Yang Xueli shrank back in shock and fear, crying, "I didn't mean to. I was completely dizzy, I couldn't control myself, my mind was a mess, I didn't know anything. I didn't mean to bite you. Grandma Cai said she was going to marry Miss Zhou to Brother Xiang, and I got dizzy and didn't know what to do. I ran out in a daze and bumped into you."

"You mistook me for Lei, and you were actually doing it on purpose to anger Lei Yongxiang, weren't you?" Qing Jianyue asked.

Yang Xueli nodded shyly, tears streaming down her face.

“I...I didn’t mean to stab Miss Zhou, but when I heard her call me Brother Xiang, it felt like my heart was ripped out, and I became a mess. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I was wrong, I’m sorry.”

“You had unspeakable suffering, which is why you became like that.” Qing Jianyue laughed. “Later, I had the nanny lie to Lei Yongxiang and asked Cai Da to force Lei Yongxiang to marry you to me. You were scared and thought about it over and over again, but you didn’t know what to do, so you ran here and decided to die.”

Yang Xueli nodded in embarrassment and admitted it.

"Do you know that Lei Yongxiang actually loves you very much too?" Qing Jianyue said.

Yang Xueli looked at him in alarm, then couldn't help but steal a glance at Lei Yongxiang, but when their eyes met, she hurriedly turned her face away.

"Sherry, aren't you being a little too selfish? Lei Yongxiang sacrificed so much for you, and in the end he can't even hear a single honest word from you. Isn't that too tragic?" Qing Jianyue questioned.

Under the watchful eyes of everyone, Yang Xueli trembled with nervousness and shame.

Lei Yongxiang couldn't bear it and said in a low voice, "Enough, Qing Jianyue. I understand your feelings, and I'm very grateful to you. Please, don't force her anymore. This has nothing to do with her, and it's against etiquette. I promise you, I will take on the position of the Third Lord."

Qingjian Yue said calmly, "Lei Yongxiang, you're wrong. I didn't do this to force you to take on the role of the Third Lord. Whether you take on the role or not is your own business."

Lei Yongxiang was baffled by his words.

After several intense struggles, Yang Xueli suddenly said, "Yes, I love him, I love him, I love him."

She repeated it three times, each time with increasing emotion, pain, and despair. Similarly, each time she said it, Lei Yongxiang's heart went through three cycles of heaven and hell.

“But I love him, and I still love Lei. Qingjian Yue, tell me, what should I do? One is my husband, and the other is…” Yang Xueli became flustered and unable to speak at this point, “I hate myself for being so despicable and shameless. For three years, my heart has been in turmoil, and I’m in a daze all day, not knowing how to cope. I’m not pretending to be crazy; I really wish I were crazy, insane. If I were really crazy, insane, perhaps I wouldn’t be suffering so much.”