Baozi was on her way to wash the vegetables, but seeing my mysterious look, she instinctively wanted to go in and see what was going on. I covered the door and said with a grin, "A friend... is staying with us for a few days." Baozi took an eggplant from the basket, held the end, pointed the thorny stem at me, and said sternly, "Just tell me if it's a man or a woman!" When she learned it was a man, she tossed the eggplant into the basket and said with a beaming smile, "I'll make you braised eggplant tonight..."
I opened the door and glanced at Jing Ke. He was almost fully dressed, just putting on his underwear as he finished dressing. I quickly slipped inside and closed the door again: "Damn, do you think you're Superman? That's underneath."
Jing Ke didn't care about such trivial matters. He casually tossed his underwear aside and said, "Your clothes must be very uncomfortable to wear."
I was grateful he didn't drape my Adidas over his shoulder like a hero's cape. It seems the assassin truly has excellent adaptability; he neither showed curiosity about the transparent glass nor asked why the overhead lamp didn't burn oil. Compared to those country bumpkins in movies who time-travel to the modern era, he displayed a gentlemanly demeanor incongruous with his status.
But I immediately knew why. He picked up the dagger again and asked me, "But if it gets any longer, I won't be able to carry it in. What should I do?" It seemed that his main purpose in staying in the mortal world for a year was to plan a perfect assassination.
I had no choice but to patiently ask him, "How big was the Dukang map you brought back then?"
He held the dagger in one hand, and with the other hand, he gestured with the tip of the dagger, saying, "This big."
“Why don’t you enlarge the scale? For example, if the map you’re taking is 1:10000, but you enlarge it to 1:1000, you can hide a longsword in the map and bring it in; if the scale is 1:100, you can even bring in a halberd.”
Although Jing Ke didn't fully understand what I said, he grasped the general meaning. He slapped his forehead hard: "I'm so stupid, really!" Then this Jing Ke version of Xianglin's Wife prostrated himself and said, "You truly are a sage!"
After Jing Ke resolved his own issues, his first question about the "Immortal Realm" arose: "What is that (pointing to the glass)? And why is there no lamp oil (pointing to the lamp)?"
Ugh, what a jerk! I'm defeated by him.
Fortunately, my answer was equally strong: This is the immortal realm, you wouldn't understand even if I explained.
When it was time to eat, I called Jing Ke to the table. Since there was still a year left, sneaking around wasn't a solution, so I decided to bring him into the open sooner rather than later.
Jing Ke received a warm welcome from Baozi. Baozi is someone who can get along well with all my friends.
While Jing Ke was shoveling food into his nose while staring at the TV, Baozi whispered in my ear, "Your friend's 'convenience store' has opened." I looked down from under the table and saw Jing Ke wearing my Lee bag, sitting with his legs spread wide like we do, his zipper undone, his not-too-short, not-too-long thing peeking out from his crotch. I coughed, but he didn't seem to notice. Baozi excused himself to get more food and went out. I quickly said to Jing Ke, "Brother Jing, is it cool?" He didn't hear me and pointed at the TV, saying, "Are those little devils on TV your pets?" I had no choice but to stand up and point to my crotch, saying, "It's our custom here not to show that."
I thought he would be embarrassed, but I was wrong.
He casually shoved the item inside, pointed at the TV, and said, "What do you feed them every day?" I walked over, annoyed, to help him zip up his jacket. I was only halfway done when Baozi came in…
That night, I could only prove I was heterosexual through my actions. Baozi's body, which looked exceptionally beautiful in the dim light, drained me like a pump. In Baozi's words, she wanted to leave me without the energy even if I had the desire, so she wouldn't have to worry about me at work during the day. We didn't clean up the mess and get some sleep until dawn. Jing Ke snored all night. I found him to be an easy person to deal with; frankly, he was a little intellectually challenged and very trusting. This might be related to his treating me like a god; as long as you didn't mention assassinating Qin Shi Huang to him, he was like a complete idiot.
During the day, I opened the door an hour later than usual. Just as I took the door panel down, I found Liu Laoliu sitting on my steps smoking, with a fat man squatting next to him. When Liu Laoliu saw me open the door, he stubbed out his cigarette, led the fat man in, and told me that this fat man was my second customer. As soon as he said the fat man's name, I felt like the sky was falling.
Some astute readers may have already guessed who this fat man is.
Yes, he is—Qin Shi Huang!
Chapter Four: Fatty Ying vs. Silly Jing
I never imagined that Qin Shi Huang was a fat man.
They never imagined that Qin Shi Huang was a smiling, chubby man.
This affable, portly Qin Shi Huang looked to be only about 45 years old. He wore a long robe embroidered with coins and his hair was much shinier than Jing Ke's, clearly indicating he washed it frequently. He nodded and smiled at me with his hands in his sleeves; it seemed we shared the same awkwardness: not knowing how to address each other.
Liu Laoliu patted Qin Shihuang on the shoulder and said, "You can call him Qiangzi or Brother from now on." Then he told me, "Call him Brother Ying."
"Qiangzi..."
"Brother Ying..."
"I'll start cooking right here in your mouth from now on."
I quickly replied, "Okay, okay."
Good heavens, to be on such good terms with Ying Zheng, I feel like my face is expanding infinitely in a limited space, like a bed that a child has wet.
Later I learned that my brother Ying wasn't always so low-key; he only acted this way because Liu Laoliu told him I was a deity. My brother Ying is actually a resigned person. First, he fooled himself into trying to refine an elixir of immortality, but supposedly the alchemist died just before it was successful. Then, he immediately started building the Terracotta Army, hoping to have followers in the next world. Now, in his eyes, I am the ruler of that other world, so he's very polite to me.
Liu Laoliu put down Qin Shi Huang and took a motorcycle taxi. I always thought that people who were willing to take motorcycle taxis had a kind and compassionate heart, but now I know I was wrong, and I hate him.
Unlike Jing Ke, Qin Shi Huang set aside his imperial airs and came to enjoy life. He quickly became interested in my laptop, and after finding me to be a friendly person, he took it upon himself to play with the external mouse. He exclaimed "Oh, oh!" as he played with it, looking around and touching the screen in all directions. Later I learned that he thought the mouse moved because it was connected by a thin wire. After playing with the mouse for a while, he made his first request: he needed to defecate.
Yesterday I taught Jing Ke how to urinate on the toilet, and I've gained some experience. I know that all I need to do is tell them to put all their filth in. I placed Fatty Ying in front of the toilet, lowered the seat, and let him sit down comfortably. Without me having to teach him again, a deafening bang followed, and the entire toilet was filled with the stench of ammonia. Fatty Ying was very apologetic, waving his hands repeatedly at me.
I'm not afraid of the smell; I'm most afraid he'll wake Jing Ke—that silly Jing is in the bedroom opposite the toilet. Anyone who's dealt with idiots might understand this: once they've made up their minds, they become incredibly stubborn. Yesterday I already put away Jing Ke's clothes, but when I tried to disarm him, he refused.
This made me think of many things: first, I can't let them meet; second, it seems I need to prepare more outfits; and third, I need to prepare a "presidential suite" for Qin Shi Huang. And now, the only empty room I have is the warehouse next to Jing Ke's.
With a loud splash, Qin Shi Huang rushed out, pulling up his trousers, and ran frantically downstairs. At the same time, Jing Ke, rubbing his eyes, emerged from his room, his zipper undone, and stared blankly into the bathroom, hands on his hips, urinating. He sniffed and gave me a disgruntled look.
I didn't have time to worry about him and rushed downstairs to see what was wrong with Qin Shi Huang. I saw him staring blankly at the ceiling, chin in hand. He told me, "If I did what you said, all the water would flow out, which startled me. I thought I'd drowned myself." He then ran back upstairs, went into the bathroom, and stared at the swirling yellow liquid in the toilet bowl, completely baffled. Jing Ke had probably gone back to his room.
I was furious; I never expected such a cliché scenario to happen to me. I yelled, "Brother Jing, Brother Ying, come here!"
Jing Ke and Qin Shi Huang simultaneously poked their heads out of the room and the toilet, respectively, and asked, "What's going on?" Then, almost at the same time, they spotted each other and slammed the door shut with a shout. Just as I was wondering what was going on, Jing Ke rushed out again, knife in hand; apparently, he had gone to get his knife.
Qin Shi Huang wasn't stupid. He knew he wasn't in his palace anymore, and he had Zhao Gao's help. Besides, he didn't have his magic sword with him. This is where the wisdom of an emperor shines through; he actually knew to lock the door and hold the handle. Jing Ke, on the other hand, only knew how to slash and hack with his dagger, quickly making a triangular hole in my toilet door. Through this hole, he could clearly see Qin Shi Huang. He peered through one eye and roared, "Come out!"
As I mentioned, Jing Ke has severe astigmatism. With one eye peering inwards, the other seemed to be spying on my every move. That's when I remembered I should do something. I pulled a brick from under the living room sofa (why was there a brick under my sofa?), held it in my hand, and shouted sternly, "Jing, if you don't throw away that broken knife, I'll smash your face with this brick!"
When Jing Ke saw that I was holding a square object with a dazzling red light (I had washed the brick very clean), he wondered what kind of celestial treasure it was and said dejectedly, "Don't worry about my business..." Just then, Qin Shi Huang found a handful of talcum powder in the toilet and threw it out through the hole. Jing Ke let out a strange cry, threw down his dagger, and covered his eyes to rub them.
I was furious and quickly put the dagger away. Qin Shi Huang was still throwing handfuls of talcum powder out. I opened the door, grabbed him by the collar, dragged him out, threw him on the sofa, and then led Jing Ke to the sink to wash his eyes. When I brought him back, I felt like a kindergarten teacher. I put Jing Ke on the sofa opposite them, placed a bottle of water and an ashtray between them, and said earnestly, "Why can't you talk things out? Why do you have to fight? It's not like we had a past life..." Then I suddenly remembered that they did indeed have a grudge in a past life, and immediately changed my tune, "Actually, you two don't have a grudge between you, am I right?"
Qin Shi Huang nodded vigorously first. Jing Ke said angrily, "Then he ended up killing me." Qin Shi Huang retorted, "Who struck first?"
I slammed a brick on the table and shouted, "What's all the noise about! Don't you know where you are?" Both of them shrank back and fell silent. I lit a cigarette and then said gently, "Regardless of who wronged whom, that's a matter of the past. What kind of place is this, hmm? This is a place for you to enjoy yourselves. And it's only for a year, shouldn't you cherish it?" Qin Shi Huang lowered his head, while Jing Ke looked at me with red eyes.
"Come on, shake hands, we'll be good friends from now on—be good."
Once again, it was Fatty Ying who extended his hand first. It seems that emperors are indeed magnanimous. Jing Ke shook hands with him helplessly.