I said through my back teeth, "Brother Yu, do me a favor and throw that kid out."
Before Xiang Yu could even move, Liu Bang himself trotted over and stood at the shop entrance, leaning against the doorframe and saying resentfully, "Can't I even ask if I don't understand?"
I walked over sheepishly and said to Baozi and the others, "Let's go out and get something to eat first, it's already late afternoon." Baozi felt embarrassed to stay any longer and whispered, "Why is Liu Ji so clueless? -- You decide what to eat, as long as it's not steamed buns."
I sighed and said, "Liu Ji actually has a wife, but she's too controlling. I bet she's the type who makes sure the lights are off before going to bed, which has ruined Liu Ji."
I placed Xiang Yu in the middle and led the group into a shop. I told the waiter, "Give me 5 catties of fried pancakes and a bowl of cold bean sprouts."
The waiter asked in surprise, "Sir, how many of you are there?"
"Seven."
"Hehe, the fried pancakes at our shop are very generous in portion size. Most people would only need 3 liang (150 grams)..." At this moment, Xiang Yu walked in with his head down, and the waiter immediately said, "Oh, 5 jin (2.5 catties)?"
This was the first time I took them out to eat; in Liu Laoliu's words, these were all my clients. I took my clients to eat 5 jin of vegetarian fried pancakes on Futai Road, and then we continued shopping.
The thoughtful Baozi even reminded me to buy a few mattress pads, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. Thinking about this gives me a headache; I really can't figure it out. Five men in two rooms—Liu Bang and Xiang Yu absolutely can't be together, Qin Shi Huang doesn't want to be with the snoring Jing Ke, Liu Bang doesn't want to be with Qin Shi Huang, and Xiang Yu complains that Jing Ke keeps asking him about villains…
As for me, I don't want to see anyone!
A college entrance exam question appeared in my life, but it seems that the 26 points I got back then (for those who forgot, Xiaohua got 26 in math on the college entrance exam) were not from this question.
The two newly bought cushions were given to Xiang Yu; the cushions, each about the length of a person, were tucked under his arm like a briefcase. Li Shishi carried her books, Liu Bang carried the clothes he had changed out of and the clothes he had just bought, and Jing Ke, since he only had one free hand, carried some of the newly bought toiletries. As for Qin Shi Huang, to keep him quiet, he needed a constant supply of food, and it had to be something that would last a long time; I bought him a bag of hemp seeds to eat.
We all happily headed back. In the car, Baozi said, "Let's go into the supermarket and buy something when we pass by." I love her so much; since this woman appeared in this book, have you ever seen her do a single good deed?
If you take someone like Qin Shi Huang in, anyone earning less than 15,000 yuan a month won't come out alive. The fines alone would quickly send a moderately well-off family back to the pre-1980s level. I chuckled insincerely, "Let's go back first. I'll drop you off and then I'll come out and buy gas for my car."
Li Shishi interjected, "I think we should go now." She had been flipping through her book, and I couldn't understand how there could be a supermarket in Liang Sicheng's *History of Chinese Architecture*. Glancing at her in the rearview mirror, I saw her grinning face, and I understood. She sensed my nervousness and was deliberately trying to provoke me. Because anything that made me nervous was bound to be useful to her.
Qin Shi Huang, with pockmarks on his face, asked, "What are you doing?"
I racked my brains for ages, completely at a loss for words. If I were to tell him about this wonderful place, I'd be broke—and even that wouldn't be enough to compensate! Luckily, Baozi misunderstood him and told him, "Let's go buy some groceries, and I'll cook for you tonight."
"Oh—wai (then) go hungry (go)."
When we got to the supermarket entrance, I said to Baozi, "Can you and your cousin go by yourselves? We won't get out of the car." Baozi readily led Li Shishi away. I turned around and said fiercely, "None of you guys follow the rules, especially you—Ying-ge, don't vomit on the car!"
Xiang Yu wasn't listening to a word I was saying; his eyes were glued to me driving the whole way. Now he rested his arm on the seat and asked earnestly, "Which pedal goes to go, and which pedal goes to stop?"
I exclaimed in surprise, "Wow, Brother Yu, you noticed that!"
"What's the stick in your hand for?"
"Don't worry about the stick for now, just buy an automatic car later."
"Let me try!" he said, trying to squeeze in from behind, causing the van to sway back and forth. I pushed him back, saying, "Next time, I'll keep my distance from you before you drive."
After waiting a while, Baozi and Li Shishi returned, carrying a large pile of groceries and several bottles of wine. Li Shishi was even chewing a piece of chewing gum; she got into the car and handed one to everyone present, adding, "Don't swallow it!"
It seems she's learned something new this time.
This shopping trip was a close call, though thankfully not without some mishaps. Aside from my wallet being as empty as a toad crushed by a FAW Jiefang truck, it was a successful shopping trip overall.
While I was refueling my car, Jing Ersha covered his ear with his transistor radio and muttered to himself. A man in a yellow vest came over and knocked on his window, saying, "Sir, please do not use your cell phone."...
When we got to the front door, everyone else followed Baozi upstairs. As I expected, Xiang Yu stayed behind. I really couldn't bear to return the car in front of him, so I pointed to a bicycle by the door and said to him, "That one runs pretty fast too, but it's a bit tiring."
Xiang Yu gave me a very professional reason for refusing: "That guy can't even run 20 miles per hour, can he?"
Sigh, it's no use trying to fool Xiang Yu like Jing Ke did. History says he was too soft-hearted, which means this seemingly rough man had a sensitive side. The main problem is that things went wrong on the street today. At least Qin Shi Huang knows the outside world has delicious food, Li Shishi knows where to buy books, and Liu Bang is behaving normally so far. Because he's lustful, he's completely unmoved by all the beautiful women on the street, and even the uglier ones can't compare to Baozi. It seems that to get him to change his affections, we need to find one of Baozi's former colleagues at her shop—that colleague got into a fight over a boyfriend and had two jars of 98% sulfuric acid thrown in her face by her rival.
Later I came up with a plan: to get Xiang Yu drunk before returning the carriage, since as the saying goes, a good drink can cure a thousand sorrows.
I forgot to ask him how much he could drink, which shows that my intelligence has clearly caught up with Jing Ke's ever since I met him. What happened later made me regret it.
I should have spent more time with Li Shishi—if Baozi agreed.
Chapter Sixteen: Cumin-Flavored Durex
As soon as Xiang Yu and I went upstairs, we saw Baozi bossing people around: "Fatty, peel this clove of garlic; Liu Ji, beat the eggs; Kezi, wash the rice." Seeing us come up, Baozi pointed to the gas cylinder: "Qiangzi, who's going to change it, you or Da Ge?"
I grabbed the gas cylinder and shifted it a couple of times, saying, "Brother Yu, give me a hand, put it on my shoulder." Xiang Yu hooked the cylinder in mid-air with just one finger and asked, "Where do you want to put it?"
"...You can carry it with me." This stubbornness! He's capable of moving mountains, yet he expects me to carry a gas cylinder?
I walked ahead, and a big guy behind me was carrying our family's gas cylinder. It felt so good. I remembered once when I went to Baozi's house, her old man didn't know about our relationship yet. He also needed to change his gas cylinder, and he asked me to help him carry it on his shoulder. When I carried it on my shoulder, the old man was actually bending over.
Now, things are really messed up. Whenever the gas in his house goes out, he makes me take a taxi to change it for him. The old man just strolls around leisurely with his hands behind his back, just like I am now, making sure to go through the main streets and alleys, and he'll linger in front of someone's house for a while. Because that person used to live across the street from Baozi's family, and predicted when Baozi was three months old that the child would have a hard time finding a husband.
The old man knew perfectly well about my relationship with Baozi. Once, when I went out to eat, he was chatting with me about football, and in the middle of a lively conversation, he suddenly asked me, "Have you tried Durex's new cumin-flavored one?" Without thinking, I blurted out, "That's too expensive, we usually use..." Just then, someone walked into the room, and the old accountant, as if nothing had happened, said, "What was that guy talking about with Zidane?"
It's clear my father-in-law is a tough guy; his thinking can cut off as abruptly as a pencil hit by a bullet. I was completely baffled: it's not surprising he knew about Durex, but how did he come up with the cumin flavor? Later, when I visited their house again in the summer, I discovered that Baozi's mother had body odor.
I suddenly remembered something interesting: "Brother Yu, did you have children back then?"
Xiang Yu said with his head down, "A concubine of mine bore me two sons."
I laughed and said, "So, you might be Baozi's ancestor for over thirty generations."
Xiang Yu stopped abruptly and asked me, "What do you mean by that?"
I then realized I'd let something slip. If Xiang Yu knew I was living more than 2,000 years in the future, I don't know what he would do. One thing is certain: he wouldn't be quiet, and he might even die again. Theoretically, he shouldn't die within this year; I can't stand playing the infinite rebirth game with him.
My plan is to teach him to drive gradually. Even if Xiang Yu was incredibly clever, he lived thousands of years ago. And if I deliberately don't teach him properly, it'll take him at least six months to reach the level of Baozi (a famous Chinese comedian). Then, I'll spend a little money on gas and take him for a few laps around the elementary school campus, letting him have a blast. Luxury cars and beautiful women—the car is always in front. You've seen beautiful women model for cars, but you've never seen a car used as a backdrop for a beautiful woman, have you?