The fat man said, "I'll find someone to call that guy, and you can give him the medicine, that'll be fine."
I said, "That's a good idea, but what reason can we use to get Kezi to come see us?"
Qin Shi Huang thought for a moment and said, "I will formally summon them tomorrow. Today, I will teach them some rules."
"Yes, yes, the Ministry of Rites must demonstrate the proper etiquette before seeing the Emperor, that's the idea. So how do we give him the medicine?"
Although there was no Ministry of Rites at that time, it was normal to "train" someone before meeting the monarch, and it wouldn't arouse suspicion. The problem was the most crucial step, which was rather difficult. You're saying I'm pretending to be a courteous etiquette master and suddenly pull out a piece of grass for him to eat?
To my surprise, the fat man didn't seem troubled this time, as if he already had a plan, though he looked a little uneasy. After a while, he reluctantly pulled a green apple from his pocket: "Slice it and put it on a plate, say it's a specialty of our Qin Kingdom..."
This method is quite ingenious, not in its idea, but in the apple itself. Before it turned green, it was a genuine banana apple, something I, let alone Jing Ke and his group, hadn't seen since I was several years old. Since it's a ritual performance, etiquette is all about human relationships; it's natural to use a local specialty to entertain foreign envoys. With the alluring herb on the table, and its natural fragrance, Jing Ke shouldn't have much trouble complying. It's a wonder that Fatty would sacrifice the last apple for Ersha—I was about to reach for it when Fatty grabbed it again and took a big bite, making me furious and quickly snatch it away.
I glanced at my watch and said to Qin Shi Huang, "Brother Ying, you should go now. Go for a stroll, preferably somewhere far away from here. Leave the rest to me. Come find me whenever you remember me." I had originally planned to put a screen in the room so Fatty could hide behind it, but it was best not to do that with someone as unpredictable as him. Otherwise, if a Fatty with a serious expression suddenly appeared before Jing Ke regained his memory, I couldn't guarantee that Ersha wouldn't make a move prematurely.
After Qin Shi Huang left, I began assigning tasks. First, I had Meng Yi send someone to invite Jing Ke, then I found the tools to make a plate—in fact, there were no plates at that time; they still used square, tripod-like objects to hold things. I cut most of an apple into slices and arranged them along the edge. From this perspective, Fatty was still showing mercy; I personally witnessed him eat one and a half fist-sized apples in two bites.
Once everything was arranged, a loud announcement came from outside the door: "The envoy from Yan has arrived!"
I hurriedly got up and went to the door. A soldier led the way, and when he got close, he stepped aside. Behind him, another man came face to face with me. This man was burly, dressed in coarse cloth, and his eyes, while one was staring at you, seemed to be hiding in his temple…
Chapter Ninety-Five: Have Fewer Children, Plant More Trees
It's definitely Ersha!
Looking into his familiar eyes, I really wanted to go up and hug him, the brother who didn't hesitate to take a bullet for me!
But the fool remained remarkably composed. He merely nodded to me, then glanced at the sky at a 45-degree angle. Before I could speak, another man suddenly emerged from behind him. This man was half a head taller than Jing Ke, with a face full of menacing features and eyes that were mostly white with little black—clearly a ruthless character. He glanced at me and said in a disdainful tone, "I've met many rulers of the seven kingdoms, but why is it that only your Qin kingdom has so many rules?"
I asked in surprise, "You are...?"
"Qin Wuyang, who committed murder at the age of 13."
He's here too? The second-in-command who followed Jing Ke in his assassination attempt on the King of Qin, the one who wet his pants in fear in the main hall. He doesn't seem like a coward, just a bit dim-witted. And he's so arrogant, talking about killing someone at 13. Isn't that just making people wary of him? Besides, what's so great about killing someone at 13? I watched porn at 13 and I didn't say "I watched porn at 13 and I'm very good at it" when introducing myself.
Now I finally understand why Prince Yan Dan's plan failed. Look at these two people he sent, one is an idiot and the other is a moron, a golden duo like "A Dumb Meets a Dumb Guy".
I was momentarily stunned, and managed to say, "Why are you here too?"
Qin Wuyang snorted and said, "Didn't we say we were summoning the Yan envoy to exchange courtesies? Let's get started."
It's my fault for not being clear. Subconsciously, I didn't take Qin Wuyang seriously at all, but he is indeed an envoy from Yan. What should I do? Killing him is easy, but Ersha would definitely turn on me on the spot.
I had no choice but to let them in. Qin Wuyang sauntered onto the mat, one leg crossed, looking like a thug. Ersha, on the other hand, was very low-key, kneeling on the mat in a very ordinary manner—the proper sitting posture at the time—his eyes fixed on me without blinking. I chuckled dryly and picked up the bowl containing the alluring herbs and apples, moving it to the side. Judging from Qin Wuyang's arrogant attitude, he might very well just pick them up and eat them; this hothead was putting me in a very passive position.
Qin Wuyang said impatiently, "Just say what you have to say. We know the basic etiquette."
Jing Ke glanced at him, and Qin Wuyang then shifted his body a few times to sit up a little straighter.
No, I have to get this hothead out of here first, otherwise nothing will get done. I thought for a moment and suddenly had an idea. I put my hands on my crotch, lowered my head, and said coldly, "According to Qin law, one must be familiar with our national policies before meeting the king." I could only make something up; I'm probably not as good as the two of them when it comes to etiquette.
Qin Wuyang asked in bewilderment, "What does your national policy have to do with us seeing the King of Qin?"
"...This is for the long-term interests and common cooperation of our two countries."
Qin Wuyang, being an envoy after all, could only ask, "What kind of contents are included?"
"The first rule... uh..." How would I know what it was—I'm not a local, so I just blurted out, "The first rule is, if you want to get rich, have fewer children and plant more trees..."
Qin Wuyang was taken aback: "That sounds interesting."
Isn't that novel? At the end of the Warring States period, the combined population of the seven states was only tens of millions. It wasn't time for family planning yet. Moreover, the ecology was good back then. Many extraordinary people and wise men came from woodcutting backgrounds. If indiscriminate logging were prohibited, it would probably destroy the cradle of these people.
I cleared my throat and said, "The second rule is that urinating or defecating anywhere is prohibited."
Qin Wuyang: "...Is this your basic national policy?"
I ignored him and said to myself, "Listen to the third point, it might be useful."
"What is it?" Qin Wuyang asked helplessly.
"Robbery on the road, shoot him on the spot!"
Qin Wuyang: "..."
I was spouting nonsense while Jing Ke knelt there, staring intently at me. Of course, he didn't care what I was saying; he just seemed very interested in me, though he didn't know why, so his eyes were somewhat bewildered.
After stating my three points, I was at a loss for words. I'm not exactly an expert in any field; back in high school, I could barely pass politics class by cheating. I scratched my head for a while, then suddenly said mysteriously, "You know what? According to the research of our Qin state's strategists, they've reached a conclusion that none of the other six states know."
"And what is that?" Qin Wuyang unconsciously took on the role of a spy.
"Taking a car is more environmentally friendly than walking!"
Qin Wuyang: "..."
"Also, aren't there many people in your country complaining about not being able to afford a house? Ignore them, just don't let everyone be able to afford a house!"
Qin Wuyang: "..."
Seeing that Qin Wuyang was on the verge of collapse, I pressed on while the iron was hot, saying, "Next, I'll tell you about the fifty honors and fifty shames of our Qin state..." I was afraid that the eight honors and eight shames wouldn't scare him, so I just casually made up a hundred.
Sure enough, Qin Wuyang frowned and said, "Can we ignore all of this? Just tell me what we should pay attention to when we meet the King of Qin tomorrow."
I said sternly, "No, these are the rules. Even if you don't listen, I have to finish—the first rule is to take pride in knowing the fifty honors and fifty shames, and to be ashamed of not knowing them..."
Qin Wuyang said with a mournful face, "Isn't that obvious? What comes next?"
"It is an honor to memorize the fifty honors and a shame not to memorize them..."