"This...is not a good idea."
I slapped him hard on the shoulder: "The Emperor values you so much, why don't you just make up some excuse and get it done?" Seeing that he was still hesitating, I said half-jokingly and half-seriously, "If you don't help me with this, I'm not leaving. I need to experience what it's like to be a prime minister..."
Fang Xuanling gave a wry smile, cupped his hands, and said, "I dare not say 200,000. I will definitely offer 100,000." He then added mysteriously, "It will certainly be the most elite troops of our Great Tang."
I said with satisfaction, "Okay, I'm off then. I'll be waiting for you—600,000."
I got into the car and sighed. No matter how I thought about it, I felt like an illegal fundraiser, running around in a beat-up car, swindling people.
With this 600,000 yuan, I felt a little more at ease. The great illegal fundraising operation must continue; next stop, early Song Dynasty, under Zhao Kuangyin.
Actually, borrowing troops isn't difficult; what gives me the biggest headache is getting the emperors to take medicine. Borrowing troops is one thing—at worst, you can just refuse to lend them—but getting them to take medicine is theoretically harder than assassinating them.
Fortunately, I had a letter of introduction from Brother Qin in the Tang Dynasty. This time, when I went to the Song Dynasty, Li Shimin gave me a clue: Zhao Kuangyin would take a nap every afternoon between 2 pm and 4 pm without fail... Just as I was pondering this, we arrived. As soon as the car stopped, I looked up and saw the magnificent palace gate. That's good, I don't need to find someone to lead the way.
Having been inside the palace many times, I subconsciously knew what was about to happen—sure enough, a group of guards all started shouting in unison, then all rushed towards me with weapons in hand, yelling in unison, "Assassins!"
I'm just wondering why emperors are so unhospitable, insisting on making their homes like sterile zones—assassins are guests too, after all.
I steeled myself, opened the car door, and jumped out, yelling, "What are you shouting for?"
The guards were shocked to see me and immediately knelt down, exclaiming, "Your Majesty!"
With my hands behind my back, I said with satisfaction, "Well, considering your loyalty to your duties, I will not punish you. Get up."
The guards scrambled to their feet, heads bowed and hands clasped, barely daring to breathe. I touched my face, my mouth moving slightly, and walked in with an air of nonchalance—the face-changing chewing gum was truly effective! It was the only solution I could think of out of desperation.
Once I was out of the guards' sight, I panicked. Where was I supposed to find Zhao Kuangyin in this vast palace? I looked up at the sky; it was late afternoon. This was my chance, so I took off running. After passing the Golden Hall, I reached the living quarters. A row of palace maids were walking gracefully towards me, and they all hurriedly knelt down upon seeing me. I ignored them and rushed past like the wind. Two eunuchs came up at the head of the line, and naturally, they bowed down without a word… I was like a scythe with a sharp, swift blade, and everyone in my path prostrated themselves. But I still had no clue where Zhao Kuangyin was, and the taste of my chewing gum was starting to fade. Suddenly, I slapped my forehead: "Idiot! Doesn't everyone in this palace, except me, know where Zhao Kuangyin is?"
Just then, a young palace maid saw me acting strangely and quickly slid to the ground in fright. I grabbed her and said, "Don't kneel yet. I'm asking you, Zhao..." The young maid was probably new to the palace and not familiar with etiquette. When she heard the emperor's question, she looked up at me with wide, unblinking eyes. Fortunately, I realized my mistake and quickly changed my words, "I'm asking you, where does the emperor usually sleep at this time?"
The young palace maid, thinking the emperor was testing her knowledge, answered without hesitation, "Cuiwei Pavilion."
I grabbed her and ran, shouting, "Take me there now!"
The young palace maid stood still, and I said urgently, "Do you dare to disobey the imperial decree?"
The young palace maid said timidly, "I dare not, but Your Majesty... you've gone the wrong way."
"Uh... I was just testing you. Lead the way."
So the little palace maid went first, and I followed behind. All the way, I saw her sway her hips gracefully, but she couldn't manage more than three meters in a day. My chewing gum was practically turning into tire fumes. I shouted, "Run!"
Hearing me say that, the little girl darted off more than 20 meters away in a flash. It's a wonder she was still wearing embroidered shoes; she almost left me behind. That speed is definitely faster than Jones on performance-enhancing drugs. I shouted again, "Slow down..."
We finally arrived safely at the entrance of Cuiwei Pavilion. The little palace maid, once again appearing frail and delicate, stood obediently to the side. I panted for a while, then heard faint snoring coming from inside; Zhao Kuangyin was probably still taking a nap. I breathed a long sigh of relief and affectionately patted the little palace maid on the head, saying, "Little rascal, not bad! Want to go home?"
The young palace maid stammered, "I..."
I said, "I have decided to grant you your freedom. Go home now."
"emperor……"
Ignoring the complicated expression on the young palace maid's face, I stepped into the inner room, simultaneously sensing a subtle change in my expression. Luckily, Zhao Kuangyin's family was large; no one could detect two people with identical appearances coming and going. If he wanted to live in a single dormitory, I'd be completely baffled.
When I came in, I found Old Zhao snoring loudly, his robust body haphazardly wrapped in a brocade quilt, fast asleep. I took out a blue pill, rushed to his bed, pried open his mouth, and threw it in. Old Zhao coughed a few times from choking, then fell asleep again.
It seems that being an emperor requires a lot of sleep. According to Li Shimin, most people in their line of work have to attend court at four or five in the morning, and then carry out their work throughout the day, reviewing memorials at night, sometimes even going to court without sleeping. In other words, as long as you're awake 24 hours a day, there's something to do. That's why there are fewer wise rulers and more foolish ones in history; those who love to sleep in generally can't do this job.
Zhao Kuangyin slept for a while longer, then sat up abruptly like an alarm clock when it was time to wake him. Seeing someone still sitting there, he rubbed his face, glanced at me, and mumbled, still somewhat sleep-talking, "Xiao Qiang's here?"
"Ah...it's here."
He picked up the jade cup by his bedside, took a sip of water, got out of bed, slipped on his shoes, and said, "Let's go find Old Li (Li Shimin) and Old Zhu (Zhu Yuanzhang) to play chess."
I said with a smile, "Your Majesty, this is not about cultivating talent. Old Li and Old Zhu are already sticking to their posts."
Zhao Kuangyin looked at the silk curtains behind him and the dragon robe on his body, and laughed self-deprecatingly, "Damn, I'm sleeping like this, dreaming within a dream."
"Brother Zhao, this isn't a dream, you're the emperor again now."
Zhao Kuangyin regained his senses for a long time before slapping his forehead and saying, "Oh, I see, it was you who came to find me!"
I laughed and said, "Finally, you're awake."
Just then, they heard faint sobbing sounds outside. Zhao Kuangyin asked in surprise, "What's going on outside?"
I glanced at her and said, "Oh, she's a quick little palace maid. Because she brought me to find you, I sent her home. I don't know why she's crying—"
Zhao Kuangyin picked up the water and took another sip before saying, "How can I not cry? We all went through so much trouble to get in through connections, and you dismissed us with just one sentence."
I:"……"
Chapter 150 Thoughts on the Grasslands
I never expected that the first thing I did after arriving in the Song Dynasty would be so embarrassing. It's not entirely my fault; before, when I saw eunuchs and palace maids, the words "exploiting the people, indulging in extravagance and debauchery" always came to mind. Who would have thought they were all doing it voluntarily? Becoming a palace maid is understandable, since it's not a lifelong contract, and there's even a chance to seduce the emperor (see popular female-oriented novels). But voluntarily becoming a eunuch is quite perplexing. Although many eunuchs claim their backgrounds are bad, are they so bad that they have to cut off their manhood to survive? It's like many male escorts today, always complaining about how unfair society forced them down this path, but is it so unfair that they have to sell their manhood to survive? —But then again, if you had to choose, would you choose to be a eunuch or a male escort? If it were me, I'd choose… uh, I digress.
After Zhao Kuangyin fully regained consciousness, he glanced at me and laughed, "You've come to have some fun?"
"Yeah, and I'll borrow some soldiers from Brother Zhao while I'm at it."
Zhao Kuangyin's expression hardened, and he tentatively asked, "Is 5,000 enough?"
I was so annoyed. Was this some kind of beggar's meal? I said, "It might not be enough. Baozi has been taken hostage. I'm trying to get her out."
"Oh, then 5000 should be enough, right? Is it still that Lei Laosi this time?"