Не прислоняйтесь к западному перилу, чтобы запечатлеть ясную осеннюю погоду - Глава 8
I was alone in the room again, and ASKA was still singing. In those melodies, for the first time, I felt so selfish. I only thought of myself; I never considered anyone else. All my thoughts and choices were, frankly, nothing more than choices of self-interest. I even had these wild thoughts about whether it was possible to get married to Huang Yun and never divorce her, turning a fake marriage into a real one, truly possessing her. But as soon as I had that thought, I remembered Lu Bai, and the gruesome corpse he pulled from the Huangpu River. I also thought about how, after the divorce, I would become a divorced man. Would anyone still be willing to marry me? No matter how much I tried to hide it, no matter how much I explained, it would probably be futile. Perhaps this was the rest of my life.
Suddenly, I thought of ROSE again.
Why did I think of her? My mind is a complete mess.
ASKA continued singing.
After who knows how much time had passed, midnight finally arrived. We said goodbye to the Year of the Dragon and welcomed the Year of the Snake.
Dad started setting off firecrackers, and along with the firecrackers from thousands of other households outside the window, New Year's blessings burst forth from the fireworks. Everyone prayed to drive away bad luck and welcome happiness.
I opened the window, and a cold, smoky air blew in. In this air, I heard a deep female voice coming from the depths—she was in the underground palace.
Lunar New Year's Day
Unlike usual, I woke up exceptionally early. I quietly took our family's household registration booklet from my mother's drawer, left a note, and silently walked out the door.
January 31
At 9:50:30, I checked my watch.
I'm standing at the district marriage registration office now, my ID card and household registration book in my pocket. Perhaps I'll need some other documents or proof, but that's not important. What matters is that I'm here, that I've made my choice.
Today is the first workday, and there aren't many people at the entrance. They all seem a bit tired, perhaps still recovering from the long holiday. I stood quietly, the winter sunlight piercing my pupils, and suddenly I felt much more relaxed. It was ten o'clock, so I checked my watch. The second hand ticked away, evenly and smoothly, like the dripping water of an ancient water clock.
Gradually, my gaze froze on the second hand, round and round, like an endless cycle. It was eleven o'clock. Huang Yun still hadn't arrived.
What's wrong with her? Maybe she changed her mind? Maybe she has some urgent matter to attend to? I'll continue to wait.
The sun was already high in the sky. I looked up at the sun, which wasn't too bright in winter and felt warm on my face.
It's twelve o'clock.
"If I don't see you by noon, I'll go to the hospital I've already contacted and have an abortion." Huang Yun's words flashed through my mind. Now I can't see her. Suddenly, I seem to see her in the hospital having an abortion; she's probably taking medication now. I can't imagine it anymore.
I must find her.
I didn't have Huang Yun's phone number or address. I thought of Dr. Mo, and after hesitating for a moment, I reluctantly called Dr. Mo's clinic. Rose's pleasant voice came through the phone: "Hello, this is Dr. Mo's Psychological Clinic. Who is this?"
"Is it Rose? Happy New Year."
"Happy New Year. Is that you?" She recognized my voice immediately.
"Yes, hello, is Dr. Mo here?"
"Yes, I'll turn it over for you."
The voice on the other end of the phone turned into Dr. Mo's annoying male voice: "Hello."
"Dr. Mo? It's me."
"You finally called me."
"Do you know Huang Yun's phone number?"
Are you going to call her now?
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"I'm sorry, I can't tell you this." I need to keep Huang Yun's secret.
“It’s too late to call her now. You can go directly to her house.” He then gave me Huang Yun’s home address.
"Thanks."
"Go quickly, goodbye." He hung up the phone. I was a little confused. What did he mean by those words, like "it's too late to call her now," and that he wanted me to hurry up? Did he know about this? I didn't have time to think. I hailed a taxi and rushed there, following the address he gave me for Huang Yun.
Huang Yun's home wasn't far from here; it was in an old-fashioned alleyway, a traditional Shikumen house. This alleyway was surrounded by several tall commercial buildings, but luckily it hadn't been demolished. I pushed open the weathered wooden door of the Shikumen, revealing a fairly spacious courtyard. Apart from the central walkway, the courtyard was a dirt floor planted with some unidentified flowers and plants. It seemed several families lived here. I climbed the high, steep stairs and knocked on a door. A woman, about forty years old, opened the door; she wore a small white flower in her hair and a black veil on her arm.
"Who are you looking for?" she asked, looking at me suspiciously.
"Excuse me, is this Huang Yun's home?"
Are you looking for Huang Yun?
"Yes."
"I am her mother, please come in."
I walked through the door, and in the center of the room was a large table. On the table was a black-framed picture, and inside the frame was a black and white photograph. Huang Yun was smiling at me in the photograph.
In front of the picture frame were several plates filled with fruit and flowers, along with three sticks of incense, from which wisps of smoke rose. Looking again at Huang Yun's mother, dressed in simple white clothes and wearing a black veil, I understood everything.
Something indescribable welled up inside me, seeping into my entire body like a tide. I remained silent for a long time, looking at Huang Yun in the photo. This black and white photo was quite well taken. The light in Huang Yun's eyes, the deliberate makeup, the nostalgic black and white tones, and the old Shanghai background all suggested that it was a personal portrait taken in a photo studio.
"Auntie, may I offer incense to Huang Yun?"
"Thank you, of course."
I held up the incense sticks and bowed my head three times in respect to Huang Yun's photo. Huang Yun's mother offered me a chair and poured me a cup of tea, gently asking, "Are you Huang Yun's friend?"
"Yes, I am also Lu Bai's friend."
"Oh, poor Lu Bai, Huang Yun is just like him now."
"Like Lu Bai? Could it be that she is also—"
"Yes, it was on New Year's Eve. After staying up all night, she went to sleep. When I woke up the next day, she was gone. There was an empty bottle of sleeping pills by her bedside. She must have passed away in a dream. The forensic doctor from the Public Security Bureau said that she passed away peacefully and without any pain. She left peacefully, quietly, and cleanly. That's good. Our Huang Yun is so lucky. She didn't suffer at all. On the morning of New Year's Day, she still had a smile on her face. She must have left with a sweet dream."
I couldn't listen anymore. I stared blankly at Huang Yun's mother, surprised by her calmness. It was as if she were recounting an ordinary family matter. She seemed somewhat numb, perhaps strengthened and composed by excessive grief. Huang Yun had said she was an illegitimate child; her biological father abandoned her and her mother. Huang Yun's mother, burdened by the stigma of being pregnant out of wedlock, gave birth to her and raised Huang Yun single-handedly on a meager income. Perhaps she was a great mother, but now, even her only hope in life had been shattered.
I glanced at Huang Yun in the black and white photograph one last time. I understood; she was carrying a tiny life within her. Why would she take another life with her? She had no right to. And I, I had made my choice, but you broke your promise.
I shook my head in anguish. Huang Yun could no longer answer my questions. I said goodbye to Huang Yun's strong mother and was about to leave when my gaze accidentally fell on a small framed photograph on the dressing table. The frame contained a black-and-white photograph of a young man, the kind of old-fashioned photograph from the 1970s. Although it was a candid shot, there was little background. His eyes were bright, gazing into the distance, as if deep in thought. Even by today's standards, he would be considered a very handsome man, but the expression in the photograph gave off a slightly melancholic feeling.
"What are you looking at?" Huang Yun's mother asked me.
"It's nothing."
"Are you looking at him?" She pointed to the small photo frame. "He is Huang Yun's father. He only left this one photo. Huang Yun has never seen him since birth, and she will never see him again except for the photo."
"I'm sorry." Not wanting to pry into other people's privacy, I hurriedly left. As I walked down the steep stairs, the sunlight streaming through the skylight of the shikumen house shone into my eyes, making them a little moist.
February 1st
The phone rang. I picked up the receiver.
"Hey, this is Ye Xiao. Can you come to my place? Now, right now, I have something to tell you."
Half an hour later, I arrived at his house.
"You don't look well," he said with concern.
"Thank you. What brings you here?"
"You went to Huang Yun's house yesterday?"
"How do you know everything?"
“I’m currently investigating her case. I wanted to show you some things. Here.” He had me sit at his computer and opened some files. “Take a look.”
Signed by: Huang Yun
Title: Diary
Date: 2000/12/15
I'm doomed, I'm really doomed. Today at the hospital, my nightmare came true—I'm pregnant. What should I do? I thought for a long time, my mind completely blank. I went to Dr. Mo and told him what happened. He was also shocked. I told him to divorce his wife immediately so I could marry him. He absolutely refused. He still couldn't leave his wealthy wife because that woman had given him everything, except for love. He couldn't leave his wife's millions of dollars in the bank, couldn't leave the small villas and properties she had given him. He said he would die immediately if he divorced her. Suddenly, he became unusually gentle, just like before, and tenderly told me to have an abortion. He said he could contact a hospital for me without anyone knowing.
I almost believed him. But suddenly, I saw something in his calm eyes—cruelty. I could sense his selfishness, greed, and shamelessness in every word and action. I couldn't, I couldn't listen to him. He only thought of himself; he never considered me, let alone the life in my womb—his child too. No, I will give birth to this child. I've made up my mind.
After hearing my decision, he vehemently opposed it, but I told him I would live and die with this child. Finally, he relented. He thought of Lu Bai and gave me an idea: I should agree to Lu Bai's marriage proposal and marry him as soon as possible, blaming the child on Lu Bai. Perhaps this really is the only way. But Lu Bai isn't an idiot; he'll find out sooner or later. What should I do?
Signed by: Huang Yun
Title: Diary
Date: 2000/12/21
I found Lu Bai. I knew I couldn't lie to him; I had to tell him about the child in my womb. At first, he was overjoyed, talking at length about his dreams after I accepted his proposal—what a pathetic man. But when I told him I was marrying him because I was pregnant with another man's child, he fell silent. I thought he would refuse and berate me, but he didn't. He agreed. He agreed to marry me, the child would take his surname, he was willing to be the child's nominal father, and he would divorce me after the child's birth.
His words moved me deeply. I was truly touched. He genuinely loved me, more than his body, even though my body was already tainted. Compared to Lu Bai, I felt Dr. Mo was nothing but a beast. He only knew how to vent his frustrations on me, and I was merely Dr. Mo's tool, some kind of medical instrument for him. I felt sorry for Lu Bai. He had been so cold to me in the past, toying with my feelings and treating me like a foolish clown. Now I realize that I was the truly foolish one.
I owe him so much.
Signed by: Huang Yun
Title: Diary
Date: 2000/12/24
It's past 4 a.m. now, so it should be the 25th. My fiancé jumped into the Huangpu River and committed suicide. I don't know what he saw, and I really can't imagine what reason he could have to kill himself.
I touched my lower abdomen, and once again I felt despair.
Signed by: Huang Yun
Title: Diary
Date: 2000/12/25
Today, Lu Bai's colleague invited me to a coffee shop. He's still young and a bit shy; I mentally called him "Little Boy." He asked me about Lu Bai, and I made up a story to brush him off. The story was so ridiculous that no one would believe it, yet he actually believed it. He's so naive.
I noticed the strange look in his eyes when he looked at me. I understood what he was thinking; even though he was young, he was still a man. I introduced him to Dr. Mo, hoping that this way I would have another chance to see him next time.
A simple little boy.
Signed by: Huang Yun
Title: Diary
Date: 2001/01/06
I went to see Dr. Mo again, and that despicable man was still "treating" his so-called patients. I hated him more and more, so I left the clinic without waiting for him. But outside the clinic, I saw that "little boy."
I spoke with him for a few minutes; he was still so innocent, untouched by the world's corruption. I suddenly asked him if he had a girlfriend. Actually, asking that question was unnecessary; someone as simple and honest as him is unlikely to have a girlfriend.
I've started to like him.
Signed by: Huang Yun
Title: Diary
Date: 2001/01/15