Herumrennen und kleinere Rollen spielen

Kapitel 108

A sharp "slap" rang out. He didn't flinch, taking the slap without flinching. His dark eyes, though brimming with anger, remained clear. He looked at me, a smile suddenly appearing on his face. He reached out and touched my face, his fingers wiping away my tears again and again.

Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.

"When I see you close your eyes as if you will never wake up again, why does my heart ache so much? Why do I feel so desperate when I think of you disappearing forever? Why, even though I don't remember you anymore, and all I feel when I see you again is hatred, why does my heart seem to betray me and slip out of my control? I can't help but want to protect you, to keep you by my side?" His face showed confusion and struggle. He looked at me as if slightly lost in thought, but his eyes were full of heartache as he murmured.

Xi Lan! Her hands clenched into fists, her nails digging deep into her flesh. Xi Lan and I shouldn't be like this, we shouldn't be like this.

"Back then, was I truly so in love with you that I was willing to give up everything, including my life?" He looked at me, but for a moment his focus went blank.

I wanted to shake my head, but I also wanted to nod.

He suddenly smiled, as if he understood something. He composed himself, gently picked me up from under the covers, and walked outside. I was startled and looked up at him with doubt in my eyes. He reached out and tightened the blanket around my neck, wrapping me up tightly, and then said with a gentle smile, "You've been asleep for over a month, and you've finally woken up."

A complex mix of emotions welled up inside me. In the instant before I lost consciousness at the Heavenly Sacred Pool, I truly wished I would never wake up again and leave this place. My fear was that when I opened my eyes again, I would face someone I loved, someone I owed so deeply to. But now, the situation was far more awkward. "If you cannot return unharmed, then turn back now and come back with me." The fox's words suddenly echoed in my ears. Unharmed? From the moment I decided to go to Tianqing, the fox had consistently emphasized "returning unharmed," even the completion of the alliance mission had become secondary. So, what was the definition of "unharmed"? In my current state, even if Xilan did what she did to save me, wouldn't she already be considered unharmed in the fox's eyes?

Thinking of this, my heart is filled with sorrow again. Separated by thousands of miles, fox, will we ever be able to be together again?

Stepping outside, I was greeted by a world blanketed in silver.

I was in a coma for over a month. Last winter, until I left Tianqing, there was no snow. But this year, it shouldn't be deep winter yet, but there has been such a heavy snowfall!

"Tell me, what should I call you?" He hugged me and sat on the large wooden chair under the eaves.

I sat wrapped in a blanket, nestled against his lap, unable to see the expression on his face. I could only feel his warm breath brushing against my earlobe, and I involuntarily shrank back. Being unable to speak was truly a painful thing.

"Which one is your real name, Qianqian?" His breath was closer, and his voice was so gentle it seemed to drip water, but I could feel the undercurrent of waves beneath that gentleness.

The feeling at this moment is just like a fox whispering in my ear. Thinking of the fox, my heart aches. Xi Lan, I have blamed myself countless times, blaming myself for all that you have done for me, yet I have never even told you my own name. And now, when you finally know my name, when I finally have the chance to be honest with you, I have lost the original feeling in my heart, and all that remains is bitterness.

My hand unconsciously went to my chest, but there was neither the small locket nor the phoenix orchid jade pendant. I finally turned my head to look at him, pointed to the direction of my neck, and then withdrew it after a second. It was very cold, and I was barely clothed under the covers.

He smiled at me, reached into his robes, and hung the small pendant around my neck. The pendant, still warm from his body, didn't feel cold against my chest. I continued to stare at him, my eyes asking, "Where's the jade pendant?"

"What he can give you, I can give you too." He understood the meaning in my eyes, but gave me this answer: "You are now mine, so I have returned this jade pendant to him on your behalf."

I shook my head. He looked at me and smiled, but there was a hint of cruelty in his smile: "Actually, back in Wangzhou, this jade pendant had already disturbed my peace, but I kept it because I thought it was fun. Now the situation is different. Rather than playing with people, I would prefer that no one bothers us anymore."

Back in Wangzhou? The fox clearly knew all along that the jade pendant was no longer with me, which is why he didn't mention it a word during our several meetings. But how much of the inside story did this silence and tolerance conceal that I didn't know about, and how much trouble did it cause him?

I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't utter a single complete word.

“Every time you speak, I lose control of myself. It’s like all my thoughts follow you involuntarily. What I say, what I do, what decisions I make are all beyond my control. So, compared to you, I still prefer you as you are now.” He suddenly laughed happily, and after laughing, he picked me up and carried me back to the room, saying as he walked, “That day you said your name was Wei Mian. I realized that this is my favorite name. Yun Yue, Xi Yue, Zui Yue, or Qian Qian, none of them sound as good as Wei Mian, so I will call you Wei Mian.”

I stood there stunned, but he carried me back to bed, carefully tucked me in, and turned to leave. I reached out and grabbed his right hand. He turned back to look at me in surprise. I hesitated for a moment, then stretched out my other hand and wrote in his palm, stroke by stroke: Have you only forgotten me, or have you forgotten everything from the past?

He looked up at me, puzzled. I took a deep breath and continued writing: Where is Consort Duan?

Before I could stop, he suddenly flung his hand away, turned, and walked out, the door closing a moment later. I finally couldn't hold back anymore and burst into tears. Xi Lan kept saying, "You're mine," but what shouldn't have happened, what I didn't want to happen, what I didn't want to happen, still happened? Although I have no memory of it, and although I was forced by circumstances and had no choice at the time, my heart still aches terribly. I can't resent, I can't hate, and I can't contemplate suicide because of it. That bone-deep pain has no outlet, and it only intensifies.

After that, Xi Lan didn't appear again. Zi Su came in and served me something to eat, and then it slowly got dark. I gestured to Zi Su to help me put on some clothes. After gesturing several times, she finally understood my gesture, brought me some clothes, carefully dressed me, and then helped me lie down.

A few days later, I was able to get out of bed and walk around freely, but the snow outside still hadn't melted. My previous guess was correct; this wasn't the palace after all, but a courtyard in the suburbs of Tianzhou. Besides Zisu, there was an unfamiliar middle-aged woman cooking, washing clothes, and cleaning in the courtyard, along with Wuyin, Wuhen, and the others. Xilan hadn't been seen for the past few days; she was probably busy with something. I couldn't leave the courtyard, and while wondering when the fox and Yefeng would find me without the Phoenix Orchid Jade Pendant, I tried to get closer to the middle-aged woman. I knew that Zisu and Wuyin were absolutely loyal to Xilan, and it would be impossible for me to play any tricks on them.

"Aunt Xu, let me help you." After the snow, the weather seemed to have warmed up a bit. I watched as Aunt Xu struggled to twist a cotton robe by herself. I stepped forward, pointed to myself, then to the robe, and gestured.

"No, no, no." Aunt Xu, slightly plump and bearing the marks of time on her face, smiled at me after saying this. She twisted the upper part of her long robe with both hands, her voice loud, her smile slightly naive, which warmed my heart.

I shook my head, ignoring her, took a few steps forward, grabbed the lower half of the cotton robe that was dripping water, took a step back, and started twisting it in the opposite direction.

She understood, loosened her grip, and then grabbed one end of the robe with both hands and began to twist it forcefully. Water dripped continuously, and holding the wet robe, I felt a chill, and gradually lost my strength. I was not as strong as Aunt Xu; while she twisted it in the other direction, I could barely hold onto one end with both hands.

"What are you doing?" A voice suddenly rang out from behind.

I was so startled that I loosened my grip, and one end of the robe fell down, with a small section touching the ground.

I apologized hastily, bowing to Aunt Xu. She called out "Master" to the person behind me, then smiled at me dismissively, picked up her robe, put it back in the bucket, and started washing it again.

"Are you too idle, or are you trying to win over Aunt Xu's favor?" He smiled at me, a gentle and serene smile, and took my hand, as naturally as ever. I followed him step by step back, and for a moment I felt as if I had fallen back into the time in the Azure Palace, until his unhurried voice came, and I was suddenly brought back to my senses. His voice was gentle, as always, but those words were only spoken by Xi Lan in her current state.

But with just this one small gesture, he became so alert. Or perhaps, even though he had forgotten me, he could still see through all my little thoughts with just one glance.

I turned to look at him, smiled and shook my head, completely at ease without a trace of guilt. He looked at me too, his smile deepening: "Actually, it's not impossible for you to leave here, as long as you can get out on your own."

I looked at him in confusion, but he turned back, smiled, and pulled me toward the courtyard gate.

Outside the courtyard gate lay a dense forest, with houses seemingly scattered in the distance, creating an illusion at first glance. I sighed inwardly. Considering Xi Lan's words and recalling my experience in Ruo Chen's courtyard, I suspected this place was another elaborate formation. Let alone me alone, even Yun Yao and Yun Hui tried to break through it several times without success. They possessed martial arts skills, while I had none. How could a miracle possibly happen?

"Don't you want to give it a try?" He let go of my hand, stood there, his white robes flowing gracefully, and looked at me with an encouraging glint in his eyes.

I shook my head, then slightly curved the corners of my mouth before turning and going back to my room.

Around dinnertime, Zisu knocked on the door to signal that it was time to eat. I was still snuggled in bed, my back to her, and waved my hand to indicate that I didn't want to eat. Then I withdrew my hand and continued to ponder. A moment later, I heard the door close, and then it opened again. Someone pulled back my blanket and dragged me out of bed. It was Xilan; I knew it without even looking.

"Why aren't you eating?" There was a hint of anger in his voice.

I shook my head, pointed to my stomach to indicate that I wasn't hungry, and then smiled at him.

“Your body is still weak. Even if you’re not hungry, you should eat something. How can you not eat a single bite?” He reached out and hugged me, carrying me outside. I didn’t struggle because I saw the determination in his eyes. Suddenly, I wanted to laugh. Wasn’t Xi Lan only left with hatred for me? Why was there concern in his eyes at a time like this?

Sitting at the table, I didn't touch the food. Xi Lan handed me chopsticks, but I still didn't move. He wasn't annoyed; instead, he used his own chopsticks to pick up some food and brought it to my lips. I turned my face away, and he didn't say anything. We remained in this awkward, stagnant position. I felt incredibly guilty, and just as I was about to give up, I thought of Fox and held back. Perhaps I owed Xi Lan more, but not because Fox had given less than Xi Lan, but because I couldn't reciprocate Xi Lan's feelings in the same way. I understood Fox; his tolerance towards me, his persistence in matters of the heart—his sacrifices were no small matter, only the form of his sacrifice differed from Xi Lan's. Since I was ultimately destined to wrong one of them, why choose a path that would cause pain to all three of us? So, Xi Lan, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…

"Are you not hungry, or have you made up your mind?" He suddenly stopped, his voice gentle.

I turned to look at him. He had a faint smile on his face, but a hint of sadness in his eyes. My heart ached. Though I had my own plans, seeing Xi Lan like this brought back a flood of memories. The gentle, kind man I remembered, always so kind and selfless in helping me, was now suffering from amnesia because of me. The blank in his memory felt strangely familiar. When my instinctive intuition contradicted the stories he had heard before, would Xi Lan feel immense pain?

“I want to go back to Longyao.” I reached out, dipped my finger in the teacup in front of me, and wrote on the table. As I stopped writing, a tear slid down my cheek and landed to the right of the character “Yao,” resembling a period.

"Let's talk about it when you're feeling better." He lowered his eyes slightly, making it difficult to see his expression for a moment. After a while, he raised his eyes, which were now clear and bright. His smile was gentle, and his voice was mild. "Let's eat first. Your body can't withstand the long journey right now."