During that period, Yu Lele devoted almost all her extracurricular time to learning English, memorizing vocabulary, doing reading comprehension exercises, and practicing writing essays one after another. However, her English grades remained poor, and all her intelligence seemed to be of no use in the face of English. When she faced those winding English letters, she always felt as if her brain had been emptied into a vacuum, and her memories were slowly decaying.
She refused to give up, still getting up early every morning to memorize vocabulary, and skipping lunch breaks to practice listening comprehension in the study room. During evening study sessions, she would bury herself in her books with a large cup of hot water, many people passing by, but she wouldn't even look up. Many times, Lian Haiping practically forced her to go to dinner, but she seemed to suffer from anorexia, stopping whenever they reached the restaurant entrance.
Lian Haiping waved his meal card in his hand and said with a smile, "What would you like to eat? It's on me."
She frowned, thought for a moment, and reluctantly walked into the restaurant. She wasn't particularly picky about food; she'd just buy a little bit of whatever was left over—only a tiny bit.
Lian Haiping couldn't stand it anymore and placed pieces of chicken and pork tenderloin on her plate, but she didn't touch them. Lian Haiping finally got angry: "Yu Lele, if you keep going like this, you'll become malnourished!"
She said expressionlessly, "The smell here makes me want to vomit."
Lian Haiping asked with some concern, "Are you feeling unwell?"
She looked out the window and said, "The food in the restaurant is awful. It's been three years, and it still tastes the same."
Lian Haiping was stunned. She looked at him and smiled, "Everything in the world changes, but the taste of our restaurant's food will never change."
Her face was pale, her expression weary, and Lian Haiping suddenly felt that so many words of comfort were stuck in his throat, unable to be uttered. He vaguely remembered Yu Lele saying that her boyfriend was going abroad, and he guessed that her relentless efforts to study English were perhaps to accompany him. He knew this day would come sooner or later, and although he was reluctant, he couldn't say it.
Over the years, he always said, "I'm not interested in strong girls," but deep down he knew that seeing her made him happy, and chatting with her made him feel comfortable. They were honest with each other and trusted each other.
So, if she leaves, how long will it take him, and how many seas of people will he have to cross, to find her again?
However, he could only unconditionally support the path she had chosen and the future she had envisioned.
He liked her so much, so all he could do was add hot water for her, help her with her homework, buy her meals, eat with her, and try to tell jokes in the hope that she would be happy.
Even if I send her further away, as long as she's happy.
Although he knew in his heart that everything he had done had little effect.
Gradually, even her classmates couldn't stand it anymore. Many classmates who were initially strangers began to lend a helping hand, often casually striking up conversations with Yu Lele during breaks, taking the opportunity to advise her to take care of her health. Several classmates who knew about her insomnia even helped her find folk remedies; hearing that eating sunflower seeds before bed could cure insomnia, they bought her large bags of "ChaCha" sunflower seeds. The teachers also began to lament, occasionally gathering to chat, subtly criticizing how unreasonable the CET-4 and CET-6 English proficiency tests were, wasting time on professional studies and turning students into something unrecognizable.
This situation lasted for an unknown period of time—perhaps two weeks, three weeks, two months, three months… Yu Lele grew weaker and weaker, feeling lightheaded every time she walked around campus. Her smiles became thin and fleeting, making people feel sorry for her. Until one day, she ran into her long-lost junior, Tong Dingding, on campus. Tong Dingding almost stared wide-eyed in shock, exclaiming, “Senior, what happened to you?”
She reached out to support Yu Lele, then watched as her somewhat unfocused gaze gradually focused, and heard her softly say with a laugh, "Studying is so tiring."
Looking at Yu Lele's face, Tong Dingding finally couldn't help but yell, "Senior sister, it's just a stupid English CET-4, is it really that big of a deal? So what if you don't pass? Health is the foundation of everything, are you really going to torture yourself to death?!"
But Yu Lele barely reacted. She was still smiling slightly as she looked at Tong Dingding, as if her gaze had passed through Tong Dingding and was looking into some unknown distance.
"Do I really want to torture myself to death?" she asked herself.
In truth, only she knew that English was the scapegoat; without it, she might not even have had an excuse to look haggard.
The real reason, however, is something I cannot bear to say, something I cannot reveal.
10-2
It seems like it's been a long time since we had a proper chat.
At first, he was telling stories about school and anecdotes about his classmates, and she listened with a smile, greedily trying to memorize his voice. She rarely answered; the occasional "um," "oh," "okay," "good," or "goodbye" were all she said on the phone.
He wasn't unaware of it.
He also asked, "Are you unhappy?"
She was also a little anxious: "What happened? Why have you been so gloomy?"
He couldn't see her. On the other end of the phone, she bit her lip, suppressing the urge to confide in him. She wanted to ask him, "How are you?", to tell him, "I miss you?", to shout "I love you" without a care in the world... But she couldn't say it, she couldn't say it.
That's the only way. Day by day, I'll be indifferent to him, distance myself from him, and let him realize that the love has become illusory, like a fleeting shadow that will eventually dissipate.
Let him know that their lives once intersected, but ultimately they will part ways.
This was the predetermined outcome.
The time spent on the phone was getting shorter and shorter.
The shortest call he made involved picking up the phone, hesitating, and asking nervously, "Are you busy?"
"Busy," she said firmly.
"What are you busy with?"
"Study."
"Okay, I'm hanging up now."
"Okay."
A beeping sound came from the receiver. He looked down at his phone: the call lasted 16 seconds.
She didn't even say anything like "I'll call you back after I finish my evening self-study session," and just hung up.
He heard a lot of noise around her; cars were honking, and people were talking loudly. Anyone with a brain would know that it definitely wasn't a study room.
When did she start keeping it from him, no longer telling him about her joys and sorrows?
Finally, I heard news about her from Kuang Yawei: she was getting closer and closer to a boy in her class. They took walks together, went to the supermarket together, he tutored her in English, and they ate breakfast together, went to class together, and studied together every day. They were inseparable.
Kuang Yawei's voice on the phone was furious: "Xu Chen, your wife is about to be stolen away, and you're still sitting there?"
Xu Chen remained silent, which made Kuang Yawei even angrier: "Don't say I didn't warn you. It's already dangerous for you to be so far apart. If you don't take the initiative, you'll regret it later!"
He pleaded earnestly, "Xu Chen, don't disbelieve me. So many of our classmates are in the teachers' college; they have no reason to lie. Everyone has eyes; no one should treat anyone else like they're blind. I know Yu Lele isn't the kind of person who's two-timing, but it's normal for a girl to feel lonely when her boyfriend isn't around. Don't be angry. Take a leave of absence, go back and see her, explain things clearly, make promises, and swear oaths. Girls like to hear that. You haven't shown her enough concern either; you have to admit that, right?"
Xu Chen understood that Kuang Yawei's words were all reasonable.
But even if he made promises and vows, he was still so far away from her, how could he possibly care for her as meticulously as the person standing right next to her?
She had experienced too many hardships since childhood; she was the kind of girl who needed to be told "you can be happy" at all times. All she asked for was the simplest warmth in life, the little things, not grand promises.
He can't give you any of these things now.
He still has four and a half years until graduation. In those four and a half years, even if he survives this crisis, there will be new ones. Even if he defeats this boy, there will be other boys. They are all not far from her, and as long as he doesn't go back to Yu Lele's side, they could rush in to be her substitute at any time. It's even possible that one day in the future, a substitute player will quietly take the field.
You can dodge the first day of the month, but you can't dodge the fifteenth. What's meant to happen will happen eventually.
He lowered his head deeply, feeling utterly powerless for the first time. He thought his love could last forever, he thought it could withstand his aunt's various attempts to persuade him, but in the end, she still put it aside.
It felt as if some tiny insect was gnawing at his heart, making it heavy, numb, and tangled, so painful that he wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again.
If that were truly possible, then everything from yesterday could simply be a dream.
10-3
The memories of the past are so beautiful that neither of us has the courage to be the first to say, "Let's break up."
Xu Chen is like this, and so is Yu Lele.
Over the course of several months, she had become so haggard that it was hard to believe: she always had dark circles under her eyes, always looked exhausted, always had a faint smile, and always remained silent.
Only occasionally, when she stood side by side with Lian Haiping on the beach looking at the sea, she would talk as if to herself, and her eyes were always misty when she spoke.
Lian Haiping couldn't stand it anymore: "Yu Lele, if you want to cry, just cry."
But she didn't cry; she even smiled slightly: "Lian Haiping, tell me, if someone gradually stops contacting you, and when you call her, she's very cold, doesn't that mean she doesn't want to be with you anymore?"
Lian Haiping was taken aback: "Well, I guess so."
"That's good." She smiled, but her smile was so eerie that it made him uneasy.
"What's wrong with you guys?" he asked tentatively.
“Nothing much,” she said, her eyes fixed on the distance, “I’m waiting for him to find out that I want to break up.”
"What?!" Lian Haiping was startled. "What did you just say?"
“I said,” she said, emphasizing each word, “I’m waiting for him to know that I want to break up.”
“Yu Lele, you—” He stared at her, his eyes filled with disbelief.
She finally looked him in the eye when she spoke, but her gaze was so empty: "I can't even remember how long it's been. I miss him so much. I want to talk to him, see him, have him hug me, and tell me he loves me. But I can't do that. I have to let him go, as far away as possible."
She gazed at the distant horizon: "Look there, beyond what you can see is America. He'll be doing very well there. It's not that we don't love each other, it's just that we're no longer compatible. There are too many variables in life. We're both growing up, becoming more realistic, and real life can't be all about love."
Her voice was so ethereal: "The song sings so beautifully, I love you, so I'm willing to let you fly to a happier place."
Lian Haiping stared wide-eyed at Yu Lele as if he didn't recognize her. He could hardly believe his ears: her haggard appearance, her sorrow, her almost self-destructive studying—all because she was willingly giving up the love she cherished so much?!
“Yu Lele, don’t be angry when I say something…” He carefully searched for the right words: “Well… although you write novels, well… I think writing too many novels might be poisonous.”
She looked at him, her gaze unfocused.
“If you love someone, love them wholeheartedly. If you want to be together, work towards it. You can be together eventually,” he coughed, realizing for the first time how clumsy he was with words, speaking incoherently: “If you’re not willing to persevere, how can you possibly be together? You can’t use the plots in novels to manage real life. Your sacrifices might not end up fulfilling him, but hurting him. Have you thought about that?”
He scratched his head helplessly: "When problems arise, we have to solve them together. Life isn't a novel. In novels, broken relationships can be mended, and many years later, successful people might search for their lost relatives, overcoming many obstacles to finally reunite. But in real life, once you give up, you might never see each other again. How could you be so foolish!"
As he spoke, he realized he was the real fool—the girl he liked had finally given up on her love, yet he was still trying to persuade them to reconcile?!
However, he really couldn't bear to see her so sad.
Yu Lele did not speak.
In the biting cold wind, she clenched her teeth, lowered her head, and hid the tears streaming down her face.
No one knows how many times she's dreamed of him. She misses his eyes, his embrace, and the tender, intimate kisses he gives when he bends down. Every night, these memories are what calm her, yet they're also what keep her awake. She knows perfectly well that these memories are a form of self-destructive remedy, but she can't resist them. She feels that if she doesn't dwell on them, she truly won't survive.
She wrote numerous love stories for magazines, each one filled with sorrow and heartbreak. The editors always enthusiastically praised them, saying, "They're so realistic, so moving," unaware that her heart was bleeding as she wrote them. She couldn't bear to look at the finished articles, the beautifully printed sample copies. She was afraid that seeing the resentment and pain in those stories would make her burst into tears.
...
After an unknown amount of time, she looked up at the sea and said softly, "Actually, I've always wanted to grow old here, to have a house by the sea, to listen to the tides rise and fall every day, and to watch the spring flowers bloom. But Xu Chen can't come back, because this is his place of sorrow. If he comes back, he'll be hurt at any moment. One of us always has to make a sacrifice for the other, but neither of us wants the other to be the one to sacrifice. So, in the end, we're just too alike."
Lian Haiping was stunned, wanting to say something but not knowing where to begin.
She said, "We're like two children abandoned by God. Because we lack a sense of security, we've become accustomed to only sharing good news and not bad, and to carrying everything on our own. But legend has it that two people who are too similar are destined not to be happy together. Because when two people even have the same flaws, they have nothing to make up for each other."
"Actually, breaking up isn't so bad. If we break up, I don't have to go to the provincial capital. I can stay here and find a job as a Chinese language teacher at a middle school," she said, her tone carrying a hint of self-comforting self-reproach. Pointing to the colorful buildings in the distance, she continued, "I can buy a house like that, have a home of my own. Every day after dinner, I can come here for a walk with my husband, maybe we'll even have a child. On weekends, I can go home to visit my mother. How happy our family would be..."