That smile, the most beautiful smile she had ever seen, she wanted to see it, no matter how hard she had to do it, for the rest of her life.
But deep down, I so desperately wished he could say "I love you," every single day, so that I could truly believe in the existence of some kind of power.
Even in my loneliest moments, at least I know you're by my side, always there for me.
Loneliness is a very sentimental emotion, Yu Lele thought, yet it exists so clearly.
Yu Lele knew that if she told others she was lonely, many probably wouldn't believe her. Because in the Chinese Literature Department, she was such a spirited and energetic girl, studying and writing diligently every day, living a disciplined and well-behaved life: attending classes on time, never late; returning home every night, refusing to stay up all night; achieving top grades in every subject…
However, she was very lonely.
After entering university, girls naturally form countless small circles based on factors such as dormitory, hometown, personality, and family background. Often, those within these circles are completely open and honest with each other, yet maintain only a distant and polite relationship with those outside. For example, in room 206, the four girls were harmonious and warm together, but outside, while they would greet others and chat occasionally during breaks, they could never truly become close.
Of course, loneliness may not be solely due to this reason.
For example, when talking with classmates about future career paths, I often hear people say things like, "Yu Lele, your major is so good, why are you worried about not finding a job?" or "Yu Lele, what will we do if you can't find a job?" It sounds like a compliment, but it's like the pea under dozens of blankets in the Princess and the Pea – harmless, but not pleasant.
Even Lian Haiping, who often sat behind Yu Lele, said, "Yu Lele is quite straightforward, a good friend. It's a pity she can only be a friend, because this kind of girl is too assertive, and it takes a lot of courage to have her as a girlfriend."
Was she assertive? Yu Lele couldn't understand. All she did were things she truly wanted to do that didn't bother others. Perhaps because of her deep-seated inferiority complex since middle school, she remained humble even in university. She never boasted about awards, and never competed for dazzling honors. She felt she was still the same Yu Lele, walking unremarkable and unremarkable in the middle school campus filled with the sound of students reciting their lessons. She could almost remember the essay she wrote in high school, titled "Students in Ordinary Classes Are Not Ordinary." Now, she was finally extraordinary, but why was she still unhappy?
Now, she seems to believe in another principle: ordinary life is also life.
Perhaps it's like this: everyone grows, each age brings new understandings of life, and each stage brings different expectations for the future. Just like back then, she so hoped to be radiant and outstanding, because facing the fierce competition of the college entrance exam, so many people would fall off that single-plank bridge; being outstanding was a prerequisite for survival. But now, entering university is like entering a microcosm of society, a vast and wondrous world where nothing is more important than academic performance, and interpersonal skills are also crucial.
It was a new challenge, but she never gave up.
Although she was exhausted, although she often felt like a failure, and although seeing her classmates' polite greetings and the subtle distance between them made her sad, she forced herself not to think about it, not to let it disturb her already peaceful life—her family had gone from being in turmoil to being warm and harmonious, her future had gone from being gloomy to being bright and sunny, and she had to live happily, let go of unhappy things, and not worry too much…
These were things she repeatedly told herself. But she also knew that these were only temporary solutions.
She could distance herself from the troubles of interpersonal relationships. She hoped that her sincerity could be understood and accepted by everyone. She had always been a girl who treated others with kindness, and she longed for close and warm relationships between people—however, perhaps all of this was just wishful thinking on her part.
Is it that I'm not good enough, or is it that everything I want is simply impossible to obtain in this environment?
4-2
The next morning, Yu Lele had psychology class early in the morning. The psychology teacher was a woman in her forties with short, shoulder-length hair, and she always spoke with a serious and stern demeanor. Psychology itself was a very difficult subject, and the students weren't very enthusiastic. The psychology teacher also loved to use slides filled with large amounts of technical jargon and notes; attending a class felt like fighting a battle, and copying notes could be incredibly confusing. Therefore, some people often skipped psychology class, so Yu Lele didn't have to arrive very early to find a suitable seat.
The right position is one that's not too far forward, so you won't be constantly under the teacher's kind yet sharp gaze; and not too far back, so you won't have trouble seeing the tiny print on the slides when you want to take notes. Yu Lele usually chooses the fourth row by the window—a good spot, and when she occasionally gets distracted, she can catch a glimpse of the children playing on the slide in the affiliated kindergarten downstairs.
That day, the psychology teacher was lecturing on "inferiority complex and conformity." Yu Lele was taking notes half-heartedly, while Xu Yin next to her was writing a letter to her high school classmate. Behind her, Lian Haiping was flipping through a newspaper and whispering to the classmate next to him, seemingly having seen something.
The teacher on the podium clearly had excellent mental fortitude, delivering her lecture with great enthusiasm regardless of whether any students were listening. Yu Lele had just snapped out of her reverie, observing how the children downstairs were doing their morning exercises, when she suddenly heard her say, "From a psychological perspective, people have a natural desire to approach imperfect things around them, but they can only cautiously observe perfect things."
My heart was suddenly stirred.
Yu Lele looked up and saw the psychology teacher on the podium with a calm expression, but the certainty on her face made people inexplicably follow her judgment.
She glanced at the students below the stage, noticing their drowsiness, indifference, or disdain. She smiled and said, "You may not understand what I'm saying now. But think about it: if you had exceptionally outstanding classmates, especially girls, how many of you would be willing to be their close friends? Of course, there are many reasons for this. For example, girls are more sensitive and tend to be more calculating than boys. But the more important reason is that everyone has an innate aversion to perfect people and things. We feel that such people are meant to be admired from afar, but not relied upon." Even a slight psychological shift might occur. For example, hearing that such an outstanding person is experiencing setbacks might bring a sense of satisfaction. While this mindset is somewhat narrow-minded, it's understandable. At your age, it's indeed difficult to learn to be tolerant and objective about everything around you. Therefore, my point is that since you can't change your environment, you must learn to adapt to it. In other words, if any student feels isolated because of their excellence, they should reflect on their shortcomings and make them more apparent, otherwise, one day you will lose all your friends…”
When she said those words, something inside Yu Lele collapsed.
In that class, the psychology teacher talked a lot, from the causes of low self-esteem to the dangers of conformity, but Yu Lele didn't listen. She just stared blankly, her mind fixated on those words, each one like a sword, a spear, shooting at her. Although no one actually looked at her during the lecture, Yu Lele knew that someone might be trying to fit her into those theories. Perhaps when they discovered she perfectly fit the description, she, as the tragic protagonist, would elicit a satisfied smile from them.
Yu Lele knew they meant no harm, but they would never consider her a friend.
Thinking about this, Yu Lele finally understood the origins of all those things that had puzzled her for so long. It wasn't that she wasn't doing well, but rather that she was doing everything too well. She was busy studying and rarely went out with her classmates. And because she was a local, she always went home on weekends, so she naturally didn't spend much time with her classmates. Gradually, everyone must have thought she was aloof and pretentious. So even Yang Luning once said, "Yu Lele has too many things to do—studying, writing, participating in competitions—where does she find the time to hang out with us?"
As for the boys, while they all admired Yu Lele's easygoing nature, they also largely agreed with Lian Haiping's "assertive" theory. Once, Lian Haiping curiously asked Yu Lele, "What does your hero look like?" Yu Lele, confused, asked, "What hero?" Lian Haiping laughed, "Anyone who dares to ask you to be their girlfriend, what else could they be but a hero?" Yu Lele immediately punched him in the face with a copy of her "Introduction to Literature" textbook, making him see stars, and he wailed, reciting lines from the opera "The Injustice to Dou E": "I just told the truth! Heavens, you can't distinguish right from wrong, what kind of heaven or earth are you? You've wrongly judged the wise and foolish, you're unworthy of being called earth!" A group of boys around them laughed so hard they almost fell over.
As for her junior brothers and sisters, they didn't know her and didn't need to spend time with her. So in their hearts, Senior Sister Yu Lele was an idol placed at a distance, talked about by word of mouth, and even more magically exaggerated by misinformation. They treated her with respect and politeness, although this respect and politeness could only bring comfort but never warmth.
If it weren't for this psychology class, Yu Lele would never have imagined that a girl like herself, who once had no friends because she was too ordinary, would one day lose friends again because she was too outstanding!
I finally understand that the unguarded admiration of my juniors and the polite and perfunctory treatment of my classmates are all for the same reason—you are too outstanding.
The old man who got the horse might have been doomed.
That evening during self-study, Yu Lele was engrossed in studying English in the classroom. The psychology class during the day had been too stimulating, leaving her somewhat dazed, and her English learning efficiency was extremely low; she hadn't even turned a page in her textbook for a long time. As Lian Haiping passed by Yu Lele, he casually tossed a piece of chalk, which landed precisely on her textbook.
Yu Lele looked up and saw Lian Haiping. Her eyes were filled with doubt as she asked, "What?"
“Miss, it’s been half an hour, and you’re still looking at this page?” He sneered. “No wonder you only got 60 on your English final exam. This efficiency, huh?”
Yu Lele glared at him: "How do you know I haven't opened a book in half an hour?"
Lian Haiping paused, scratched his head, feeling a little embarrassed at being caught red-handed. After thinking for a moment, he said, "I'm going out for a walk to get some fresh air. Do you want to come with me?"
Yu Lele looked at his sincere expression, then at the word list in her hand that was still spotless after half an hour, and finally sighed, stood up, and followed Lian Haiping out the door.
The night market near the school gate is always bustling. Vendors selling pirated DVDs enthusiastically hawk their wares, "Foreign blockbusters, action movies, gangster films, and erotic films!" Lian Haiping tugged at Yu Lele and said, "Hey, can erotic films be sold so openly these days?"
Yu Lele rolled her eyes at him: "Eroticism, not pornography. Did you skip your elective course on Western film appreciation again?"
Lian Haiping shrugged: "I was late on the day of course selection. Too many people wanted to take the course, so I didn't get in."
She then turned to Yu Lele and laughed, "So you chose this course because there are erotic movies to watch!"
Yu Lele reached out and slapped Lian Haiping: "What's going on in your head? Be a role model for teachers, okay?"
Lian Haiping whistled, smiled, and continued walking. The night market was packed with people, a chaotic jumble of people. Lian Haiping reached out and pulled Yu Lele along, the tall figure of the boy blocking their path. Yu Lele followed closely behind Lian Haiping, squeezing through the crowd. She heard the boy in front of her turn around and say, "Too many people, watch your bag."
She subconsciously moved the bag containing her textbooks and wallet to her chest. Lian Haiping saw this and reached out to take it, saying, "Let me carry it for you. A girl like you is obviously a target for thieves."
Yu Lele didn't understand: "Why?"
He turned around and smiled: "Didn't you notice your eyes weren't focused?"
"Not concentrating?" Yu Lele was puzzled: "How can you see the road if you're not concentrating? You're maliciously attacking me!"
She filed a complaint.
Lian Haiping finally pulled Yu Lele out of the bustling night market, across the street, and before them stretched an endless ocean in the night. A salty breeze blew by, instantly refreshing her. Yu Lele heard Lian Haiping say beside her, "Yu Lele, when you walk, your eyes seem unfocused, your gaze is so wandering, as if it's about to move to the next place at any moment. Looking into your eyes, I always feel like you're looking ahead, but I don't know what you're looking at. I can't tell what you're thinking, but you're so engrossed in your thoughts that you don't even see familiar faces passing by."
"Really?" Yu Lele looked at Lian Haiping with a puzzled expression. He was still carrying her bag and looking at the distant sea.
"Yu Lele, what are you thinking about? You seem happy every day, but at the same time, you seem unhappy, or at least not happy enough," he turned to look at her, "Why are you unhappy?"
She was stunned.
She didn't know how to say it—that she was lonely? That she was troubled? That she was worried about some inexplicable things and a hazy future? But he was clearly a stranger, and a stranger who hit the nail on the head.
Before today, they hadn't even exchanged many words. Often, he would talk and she would listen; he would joke around and she would smile.
In fact, Yu Lele knew that in the eyes of many classmates, Lian Haiping was that kind of guy: from a well-off family, a bit particular about material things, favoring Adidas and Nike clothes, Nokia phones, and all kinds of stylish and high-performance electronic products. He was sunny, cheerful, and humorous, with decent grades in his major courses, and was also good at sports. He was occasionally a bit lazy, but not in an annoying way. He was popular and very loyal. He wasn't exactly a star student in university, nor was he a particularly outstanding guy, but it was precisely his nonchalant attitude that attracted the attention of some younger female students.
She was used to admiring boys like that, but rarely had any contact with them.
The two walked out of the school gate, through the bustling night market, across the road, and onto the beach. A sea breeze blew, its cool dampness washing over their skin. He found a clean spot on the sand and sat down; she hesitated for a moment, then sat down beside him. She looked out at the ocean, where she could see colorful passenger ships moving slowly by.
Suddenly, I heard Lian Haiping say, "Fame and fortune are things that should be left to nature. If you take them too seriously, you will only suffer from them."
After a while, she realized and replied, "These things aren't what I want either."
He turned to look at her, a hint of a smile in his eyes: "I thought you cared a lot, seeing how hard you're working."
"Working desperately?" she wondered. "Do I give off that impression?"
"Isn't that right?" he retorted.
Yu Lele sighed: "Actually, I just tried my best to do some things, without necessarily having any special purpose. It's just that the results were pretty good, so I got some extra things. It's like climbing a ladder; the higher you climb, the harder it is to come down. When you look back at that height, you just feel dizzy and have long lost the courage to come down. The drop from the top to the ground is too big, and the air pressure is too high. I'm scared."
Lian Haiping sighed, "Yes, it's lonely at the top."
He paused for a moment: "But at this height, the further you don't come down, the more numb your legs will become. In the end, you won't be able to hold on anymore, and you won't just walk down, you'll fall down. If I had known this would happen, I would have preferred to climb down step by step myself."
He paused for a moment: "If you don't come down, you'll always give people the feeling of being aloof and distant. Although this wasn't your original intention, it's still safer, more comfortable, and more down-to-earth to be among the crowd."
A sudden wave of bitterness washed over Yu Lele.
In truth, how could I not be aware of the existence of these feelings of alienation?
After entering university, classmates seemed to naturally form several small cliques. Between people from the same hometown, between roommates, and between boyfriends and girlfriends, everyone had their own fixed partners, eating together, attending classes together, studying together, and wandering around together. Yu Lele's partner was Xu Yin, and only with her could she speak freely. She didn't consider herself an arrogant girl; she was always respectful to her seniors and kind to her juniors. But in front of her classmates, she could never break through those invisible barriers, always speaking politely and calmly, seemingly peaceful, but merely another form of estrangement.
I've never been able to feel real warmth.
Even her counselor said: "Yu Lele, you must get closer to the people. We want to recruit you into the Party, but how can you be so proud?"
Proud? Yu Lele was wronged.
She knew she wasn't pretty, knew she wasn't special. Those difficult and obscure high school years were memories she deliberately buried, like deep secrets buried in the soil, best left unseen by the sun. In fact, she wasn't proud at all; deep down, she harbored an inferiority complex! So why did everyone think she was proud?
"I never thought that someone as unlikely to be proud as myself would make others feel proud." Finally, she voiced her barely audible loneliness, vulnerability, and grievances.
"Because you've covered yourself up too well," he said after a long silence.
"What?" Yu Lele was a little confused. She turned to look at Lian Haiping: "What did I cover for?"
“You didn’t cover for us?” He looked straight at her. “You never cry, you rarely lose your temper, you never argue with anyone, and you’re not even excited when you get a first-class scholarship. You always seem so kind and gentle, and you’re polite to everyone. So in everyone’s mind, you’re like a shadow that might drift away at any moment. You don’t have any close relationships with anyone. You’re not like a person with flesh and blood.”
“Lian Haiping, you—” She suddenly stopped.
She stared wide-eyed at Lian Haiping, her heart pounding: Could this be the image she had in everyone's mind?
Yes, she never cried, because she had endured too much suffering; nothing could make her weep anymore. Even misunderstandings with friends, minor squabbles between girls—those accusations that slipped out were things she could forget in an instant. She rarely lost her temper, because she believed that everything in this world could be resolved. As long as it didn't lead to death, what was truly a hopeless situation? As for arguing, she knew she was eloquent enough, but lacked a strong enough presence, so even a debate was easier for her than an everyday argument. And why was she so excited about the first-class scholarship? She was surprised when she first received it, then it became a given. Later, she discovered that if her grades dropped, Ren Yuan would call her in for a talk, saying things like, "Are you getting arrogant? Are you slacking off?" To avoid trouble, she worked hard to maintain her grades—for Yu Lele, receiving the first-class scholarship was a responsibility, not a surprise, so how could she possibly be excited?
She never imagined that she would so inadvertently become a benchmark held up by the teachers, forced to stand on high, like a role model, receiving the admiration of thousands, including the praise passed down by teachers and classmates. Although there were some disdainful comments from observers, none of this could shake her deeply rooted position in the department—everyone knew how outstanding she was, and they all had the preconceived notion that this girl had an overly strong desire, was competitive, and strived to do everything perfectly; she was a girl who inspired respect but was impossible to truly like.
However, I am clearly not that kind of person.
No one can see or believe the weaknesses, cowardice, inferiority complex, and anxiety that remain deep within me.
Seeing Yu Lele lost in thought, Lian Haiping waved his hand in front of her and asked, "What are you daydreaming about?"
"Huh?" Yu Lele suddenly came to her senses and smiled bitterly: "So this is the kind of person I am."
“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself,” Lian Haiping said, looking at Yu Lele. “Some impressions, once formed, can’t be changed. Even if you change yourself now, or even wrong yourself, it probably won’t help. Just let things take their course. Besides, you have a good image among the boys. Everyone thinks you won’t cry and cause trouble, which is good. Why care so much about what others think?”
"But I've always been someone who cares a lot about what others think," Yu Lele said with a wry smile, looking at the textbook in front of her.
Lian Haiping laughed: "What a fool you are, worrying about nothing."
Yu Lele glared at Lian Haiping, then smiled. But in her heart, she had to admit that hearing someone speak so bluntly about her, especially if the criticism was particularly harsh, was indeed unpleasant.
The summer sea breeze blows, damp and salty.