Thinking this way, a faint pain welled up in my heart, and I had to admit that when I left Xu Chen, those hopes and expectations were still there. It seemed that as long as I was willing to wait, he would eventually return from the other side of the ocean.
But once you choose to love someone again, will all those past hopes and beautiful expectations just become like the Little Mermaid's soap bubble, disappearing forever into the blue sea?
Is it really true that we have to completely give up those best years of our lives?
A few trivial pains welled up in my heart, stuck in my throat, leaving a throbbing numbness.
Softly, Xu Yin sighed, "Lele, don't blame me for being blunt, I just want to tell you that even if you're willing to wait, he might not be able to stick to it to the end. There's no such thing as 'absolute' in this world."
In that instant, Yu Lele's heart suddenly ached. She seemed to finally face the truth: Xu Chen, you will eventually marry a girl, won't you? Will you be in America or China then? The girl who marries you will live within your life's radius, while I can only look on, never able to get close!
Your home and my home are like the circle that Sun Wukong drew for Tang Sanzang—a self-protective circle, yet also a self-imposed prison!
Xu Chen, the thought that one day the person by your side won't be me makes my heart ache unbearably.
I truly love you, but why did we ultimately have to come to this?
On the weekend, Yu Lele went to sweep the tombs alone.
My father's grave is at No. 156, Section B, Phoenix Mountain Cemetery. Phoenixes are said to be reborn from the ashes and live forever, which is the meaning of this: those who dwell here, though gone, seem to be here forever.
Because it was only shortly after the Qingming Festival, there weren't many people visiting the graves. In the quiet cemetery, Yu Lele, carrying a bouquet of white lilies, sat quietly on the stone platform in front of the tombstone, just like when she was a child and always liked to sit on her father's lap.
"Dad, I brought you lilies. Do you recognize them? You probably don't, but I think you'll like the white ones, like the robes you wear when you're doing experiments. I went to the flower shop, and the yellow chrysanthemums look a bit like sulfur, the blue roses look like copper sulfate, and the red carnations look like ferric oxide. You'll definitely think so, right?" She muttered softly, almost complaining, "I knew it would be like this. All you care about is your lab."
Yu Lele reached out and touched the photo pasted on the stone tablet. The person in the photo was smiling, as if tacitly acknowledging the correctness of the answer.
"Do you miss me, Dad?" Yu Lele brought her face close to the tombstone and put her ear close to it. The valley was filled with the chirping of cicadas.
"You said you missed me?" Yu Lele looked at her father's photo with satisfaction: "I knew it."
She sighed, "It's so quiet here, and there's no one to talk to."
There was a long silence.
"Dad, Xu Chen and I broke up." Finally, finally, she said it.
“I wanted to bring him to see you, but I haven’t had the chance yet,” she said, her eyes welling up as she looked at the photo on the tombstone. “Dad, I miss him so much. Sometimes I think I could just sneak a glimpse of his back, but I don’t dare. Dad, you don’t know, when I watch the provincial news or weather forecast, seeing the provincial capital makes me feel so close. Because he’s there, all the news from there is so important to me. I know I’m useless, but Dad, just thinking about how the person standing next to him in the future won’t be me, and that I can only be polite to him, makes me feel so utterly hopeless.”
Her voice trembled uncontrollably: "Dad, I just realized last night... that one day in the future, when I stand in front of him, I can only greet him politely like a stranger... This scene is too cruel, I really don't dare to think about it... I really, really like him, but from now on we won't be lovers anymore, what should I do, Dad?"
Tears finally welled up, and she raised her hand to wipe them away, but the more she wiped, the more tears flowed. In the silent valley, the sobbing became clear and desolate. The sunlight was so bright, yet it only accentuated the long, lonely shadow.
"I've been feeling really confused lately, and I have no one to talk to but you. Dad, what should I do?"
“I am selfish and greedy. I can’t give Lian Haiping any promises, but I always seek support from him.”
"But if we get together, then Xu Chen and I will really be over. Dad, I can't bear it..."
"What should I do? What else can I do? Dad, tell me!"
"Dad, it feels like I have everything, but at the same time, it feels like I have nothing."
She looked up, her weary gaze fixed on the distance: "I'm so tired, Dad, so tired."
“Dad, can you hear me?” She reached out and hugged the tombstone with both hands: “I’ll hear you answer me, even a cough will do.”
It was so quiet all around.
"But what does it mean if you just stay silent?"
Yu Lele raised her hand and gently touched the tombstone: "You still won't talk to me, Dad."
As the setting sun gradually turned the green pines and cypresses on the mountain red, the tombstone was edged with gold. When Yu Lele touched it, her fingertips were also stained with a brilliant gold.
"In the movie, when a daughter gets married, the father hands her hand to the groom. But you're not here. Who will give my hand to the groom?" Tears streamed down her cheeks, falling into the grass and disappearing.
"Dad, I'm leaving now. I'll come see you again next time." Yu Lele stood up, wiped the tears from her face, glanced one last time at her father's photo on the tombstone, and turned to walk down the mountain. She was the only one on the long, quiet path. The tranquility of the cemetery made it seem like a secluded paradise outside the bustling city.
These are truly two completely different worlds now—although you always keep a coin on the table in your bedroom, you've never returned to this world.
I guess I was hooked on a movie: during my freshman year of college, I watched a VCD with my roommates, it was "Ghost." When Sam returned as a ghost to see his fiancée, Melly, she couldn't believe he was really there, so she picked up a coin. Melly only saw a coin flying through the air, and tears streamed down her face.
So I always felt you would come back. I always put a coin on the table, thinking about when you would return so I could know.
But you still haven't come back.
Dad, I miss you so much. Whenever I encounter setbacks, whenever I suffer misfortune, whenever I feel lonely, I miss you even more.
But where are you?
And what should I do?
15-1
Senior year flew by, filled with the pressures of graduate school entrance exams and job hunting. Many students were working tirelessly, their minds blank. Yu Lele, however, was still studying for her CET-4 (College English Test Band 4). She had no plans to take the graduate entrance exam, nor did she want to conquer such a difficult challenge. Ren Yuan was furious, pounding his chest and stamping his feet: "Yu Lele, you're so good at your major courses, it's such a waste not to take the graduate entrance exam!"
Having become familiar with each other, Yu Lele glared back at him directly: "With my English grades, what makes me qualified to take the postgraduate entrance exam?"
Ren Yuan was furious: "I told you to study English properly, but you wouldn't listen. If you had passed the CET-4 earlier, you would have been recommended for graduate school by now! Isn't this a mistake that will haunt you forever?"
Yu Lele thought about her classmates who were lucky enough to be recommended for graduate school, and felt a little envious and a little jealous, but she still kept a straight face: "What do you mean by 'one wrong step can lead to eternal regret'? When did I make a mistake?"
Just as they were arguing, Lian Haiping pushed the door open and came in: "Teacher Ren, I need to ask for two days of leave from my accommodation."
Taking the opportunity, Ren Yuan breathed a sigh of relief and turned his attention to Lian Haiping: "Are you taking the postgraduate entrance exam?"
“Go ahead and take the exam,” Lian Haiping said, handing over the leave slip while smiling at Yu Lele. “You’re just killing time anyway. It’s only a 100 yuan registration fee, right? Grit your teeth and pay it!”
While feeling gratified, Ren Yuan thought of Yu Lele again and pointed at her, saying to Lian Haiping, "I heard she's your apprentice? What kind of master are you? She still hasn't passed the CET-4 (College English Test Band 4), and she's so good at her major but doesn't even take the postgraduate entrance exam. How can your apprentice be so unambitious? Is this still the Yu Lele I know?"
Yu Lele sat to one side with a grin. Lian Haiping glanced at her, then said to Ren Yuan with a bitter face, "Don't mention this. To encounter such a failure on my first attempt at teaching makes me start to doubt my teaching abilities."
Yu Lele glared at Lian Haiping through gritted teeth. Lian Haiping didn't react, but just before leaving, he walked over and tapped Yu Lele on the head: "Stop dawdling here, go back and study! You don't even cherish this last chance to get your degree, how can you be so heartless?"
Yu Lele pouted, looking utterly miserable: "When will the CET-4 (College English Test Band 4) be decoupled from degree certificates?"
Ren Yuan was both amused and exasperated: "Listen to this nonsense!"
Before he could finish speaking, Yu Lele had already been dragged out the door by Lian Haiping. Ren Yuan looked at their backs and shook his head helplessly.
On the way back to the classroom, Lian Haiping asked Yu Lele, "Really not going to take the postgraduate entrance exam?"
"No!" Yu Lele said decisively without even looking up.
“Actually, you’re so good at your major courses, you should—” Lian Haiping hesitated, wanting to persuade him.
Before he could finish speaking, Yu Lele interrupted him: "Alright, alright, everyone's left the office. Why is Ren Yuan's soul still lingering beside me? Are you two like Tang Sanzang (the monk in Journey to the West)?"
She glared at him, her eyes wide open, and Lian Haiping couldn't help but laugh when he saw her.
"What are you laughing at? Our class's postgraduate entrance exam pass rate has already reached 85%. You won't notice if I'm missing one. Even if someone like me took the exam, I'd just be part of the denominator. My only role would be to lower our class's overall pass rate. Why bother?" she said nonchalantly.
Lian Haiping frowned: "Yu Lele, this isn't like you."
Yu Lele smiled and said, "Which one is more like me? Going forward bravely or forging ahead against the current? I'm old, I don't have that much passion and courage anymore."
Lian Haiping sighed and remained silent.
“Actually, this is just how I am. I’m conservative, afraid of losing, afraid of being completely defeated,” she sighed softly. “You know, the postgraduate entrance exam in English and the College English Test Band 4 and Band 6 are completely different. With my abilities, it would be quite an achievement to conquer one of them. It’s impossible to do both at the same time.”
She raised her head, looked at him and smiled slightly: "Between two evils, I'll choose the lesser one. I'll go and mess with my CET-4 (College English Test Band 4) instead."
He looked at her and finally nodded: "Level 4 isn't actually that unattainable. You can definitely pass it, trust me."
He had a confident look on his face and patted her shoulder with a "good buddy" expression.
Yu Lele smiled at him, looked up at the late autumn sky and bright sunshine outside the window, and for a moment, it seemed that time stood still, and then quietly slipped back to several years ago.
At that time, she was wearing a dark blue school uniform skirt, and a boy stood next to her, smiling and telling her: You will definitely get into university, believe me.
His face was bright, his voice was gentle, and his smile was like sunlight filtering through green leaves, spreading a quiet warmth along the way.
Time flies, and now, those faces are gone, those voices have faded away, and those smiles, except in dreams, can no longer leave any warmth.
Perhaps it was because graduation was approaching, but the atmosphere in dormitory 206 was tense and anxious every day. Yang Luning would mutter to herself that if things got too tough, she would blow up the school. Then, she and Tie Xin would study for the postgraduate entrance exam while making a lot of resumes, scattering them like petals from a fairy's shower. Yu Lele focused on studying for the CET-4 (College English Test Band 4), neither taking the postgraduate entrance exam nor looking for a job, making her seem like a hermit.
Xu Yin was also among those not planning to take the postgraduate entrance exam. She had inquired early on about a shortage of editors at the city's television station's education channel, and during her junior year summer vacation, she diligently and conscientiously volunteered at the station for nearly two months. She was told that passing a perfunctory interview was all it took to secure a job. Her career path was simple and unwavering; she already had a clear plan. She could comfortably live a life of leisure alongside those who had secured postgraduate admission, calmly watching her job-hunting classmates live a life of hardship, while those taking the postgraduate entrance exam lived lives worse than pigs and dogs.
She even had the leisure to urge Yu Lele: "Girl, if you're looking for a job, why don't you hurry up and make your resume?"
Yu Lele was so busy with her CET-4 exam that she was exhausted and overwhelmed. When she saw Xu Yin's nonchalant smile, she got annoyed: "Go sit somewhere cool and don't bother me. Just because you're good at English doesn't mean you're all that great!"
Xu Yin shook her head and laughed: "Even if you annoy me, I still have to talk to you. Do you know what Deng Xiaoping said, 'Grasp with both hands, and make both hands strong'? Even if you pass the CET-4, what will you do if your job search is delayed? You have no foresight. When you become an unemployed youth, let's see who you cry to."
"Foresight? If I were truly forward-thinking, I would have studied English properly 10 years ago," Yu Lele snorted. "I finally got into university and don't have to study math anymore, so why is English still haunting me?"
She looked indignant and said, "Tell me, when we start working in the future, how much of this English will we actually use?"
Xu Yin counted on her fingers with great seriousness: "Yes, No, OK, Hello, Excuse me... These are all commonly used, right?"
Yu Lele was both amused and exasperated: "Then I'll just memorize these few words."
Xu Yin patted Yu Lele's shoulder with a smile: "Stop talking nonsense and focus on your studies. Be good and give me your phone."
"What?" Yu Lele looked at Xu Yin warily.
"Don't look at me like I'm a thief. I don't have the silly habit of snooping through other people's text messages." Xu Yin pouted, took Yu Lele's phone, pressed some buttons for a while, and handed it back to Yu Lele.
Yu Lele looked down and saw the newly changed greeting on her phone screen: "Level 4 changes destiny."
Hearing Xu Yin nagging on the side: "If you pass the CET-4, you can get your degree certificate and naturally become a middle school teacher; if you don't pass the CET-4, you won't get your degree certificate, and even if you find a job, it will all fall through. This concerns your dream of becoming a teacher—isn't this about changing your destiny?"
Yu Lele stared at her phone screen with a worried expression, feeling like she had a bellyful of grievances but nowhere to vent them.
As they were talking, Tie Xin and Yang Luning pushed open the door and walked in. When they saw Yu Lele and Xu Yin, they began to sigh.
"How's it going? Not doing well with your revision?" Yu Lele asked.
“The review went smoothly, but if I don’t pass the exam, I’ll still have to find a job,” Tie Xin said bluntly, speaking her mind: “I went to the job fair today, and it was packed with people. They wanted local residency, a master’s degree, and more than two years of work experience. Do you think there’s any way for us to make a living?”
"Try to look on the bright side. You guys are much better off than me. I haven't even passed my CET-4 yet, and my future looks bleak," Yu Lele said with a wry smile.
Yang Luning walked past Yu Lele and casually tapped her on the head: "Focus on studying for the CET-4. Don't worry about work. With Lian Haiping as your backer, you're not afraid of not finding a job."