From then on, Zhang Xiaoyu spoke coldly to Shi Nan. One day, Shi Nan was eating a sandwich in the office at lunchtime when Zhang Xiaoyu passed by and said, "Don't you know you can't eat in the office? Go outside if you want to." That day, Shi Nan was having menstrual cramps and couldn't walk, so Zhang Xiaoyu's nagging made her simply throw up and not eat. A male colleague commented that Shi Nan always wore suits and had the air of an office lady, to which Zhang Xiaoyu retorted, "What a pretentious act!" Another time, they went to a bar on the weekend. Shi Nan couldn't hold her liquor, and after a couple of drinks, her head started to ache. Fan Ken offered to take Shi Nan home, but Zhang Xiaoyu said beside her, "Pretending to be drunk to seduce a man home." Shi Nan was furious, grabbed a drink from the table, and threw it at Zhang Xiaoyu, saying, "Zhang Xiaoyu, if I have a grudge against you, just say it directly. Don't keep doing this to me."
Liu Feifei
After the weekend, Shi Nan didn't go to work. Fan Ken called her and said, "I quit. I'm resigning." At that time, her probation period was about to end, and she was about to sign a formal contract. Fan Ken had no choice but to accept her resignation.
She asked Cheng Bin, "Is the invitation still working?"
"certainly."
So Shi Nan returned to the light bulb company, to the human resources department, doing work completely unrelated to her major.
Despite her previous experience, Shi Nan seemed to have learned nothing, never hiding her familiarity with Cheng Bin and showing no awareness of the need to avoid suspicion. Just like when she was in school and mingled with boys, she genuinely believed that friendship between men and women was entirely possible.
After a while, the other people in the office started to complain again. This time, Shi Nan didn't care. It wasn't because of Cheng Bin's words that they wouldn't openly bully her, but because she had finally realized that this was just how things were in the office, an unchanging atmosphere. She couldn't change anything, so she might as well be open and honest and let others talk.
She often had lunch with Cheng Bin, and naturally they would talk about personal matters. Cheng Bin had never spoken or acted inappropriately towards her again, so Shi Nan trusted him and regarded him as a close older brother.
During dinner that day, Cheng Bin asked her, "Shi Nan, I've never asked you before, do you have a boyfriend?"
Shi Nan paused for a moment, his voice clearly lacking confidence, "I guess so."
"What do you mean by 'having' or 'not having'?"
Shi Nan lowered his head.
Cheng Bin sensed something and suddenly laughed. "I get it. No wonder my classmates all say you 80s kids are really tough," he continued, seeing Shi Nan raise his face. "The kind of bed partner, right?"
Shi Nan retorted angrily, "What bed partner?! We like each other."
"Then why did you say 'somewhat' instead of a definite 'yes'? If you're really lovers, why would you hesitate? Has he ever said he loves you?"
Shi Nan hurriedly said, "Of course." Of course, Lan Di had said it; she sat on his lap, and before they reached the clouds, he looked deeply into her eyes as she spoke.
Cheng Bin smiled slyly, "You said it in bed, didn't you?"
Shi Nan was startled, then blushed. "Isn't it all the same no matter where you say it? What's the difference?"
“Of course there are.” Cheng Bin grasped the key point, his tone becoming confident. “Shi Nan, you’re still young and don’t understand men. Let me tell you, a man can say ‘I love you’ to every woman he sleeps with.”
She tried her best to hide her panicked and bewildered state, but he continued to probe, "You and him... were you for the first time?"
Shi Nan tacitly agreed.
"Shi Nan, do you know what men like to compare with each other besides money and career?"
"?"
"How many virgins have you slept with?"
Shi Nan was struck dumb, but still stubbornly insisted, "Nonsense. He genuinely likes me."
Cheng Bin, unhurried, leaned back in his chair and lit a cigarette. "Has he ever acknowledged that you're his girlfriend? No, right? Has he promised you a future?"
This was Shi Nan's long-standing dilemma. She had been comforting herself not to let things become a formality, but now she had to admit that Cheng Bin knew exactly how to touch her sore spots. Her voice couldn't even convince herself, "This kind of relationship doesn't need to be said. Besides, he told me to wait for him."
"Wait for him?" Cheng Bin laughed loudly. "Shi Nan, you're so naive." He could see that Shi Nan's face was already extremely pale, so he decided to stop while he was ahead and said no more.
Shi Nan ate a terrible meal, and days later, she kept thinking about Cheng Bin's words. Yes, all those words about liking her, missing her, and loving her were spoken in bed. If it weren't for what happened between them, would he have said them? Probably not. They'd been corresponding for years, and he'd never said them. Why did he suddenly say them after they did it? The more Shi Nan thought about it, the more depressed and conflicted she became. When Lan Di called, she wanted to ask him several times, but couldn't bring herself to. How could she ask him, "You said you love me because I slept with you?", "You said you like me because I'm a virgin?", or "When you said you miss me, did you really just want to have sex with me?" She couldn't ask. She was afraid of the answer, afraid he would say, "Yes."
Shi Nan wasn't the only one who was upset; Lan Di was too.
He's been having a tough time lately. Graduation is approaching, he's busy with exams, his thesis, and negotiating with his parents. He finishes work late every night and doesn't want to wake Shi Nan, who's sound asleep, for a phone call. His father has found him a job at a very famous Japanese company; he'll start from the bottom after graduation, but promotions will be much faster than others. Lan Di naturally doesn't want to go. Shi Nan is in Beijing, and he wants to go back to Beijing after graduation. Besides, he's already made his feelings clear to her—he wants her to wait for him.
When his parents asked him why, he frankly said, "The girl I like is over there."
Your parents get angry whenever this is mentioned. Last time you ran back home without saying goodbye for days, and you were even late for your exam—was it all because of her? Lan Di, what you need to focus on now is your career, not romance. Of course, you can find a job back in China, but the future prospects are vastly different from staying here. As a man, what's most important? We don't need to tell you. Girls these days are all very practical, especially the pretty ones. If you don't build your career, she'll eventually fall into the arms of another man.
Every time they tried to negotiate, his parents would bring it up again, but Lan Di remained unmoved, determined to return to Beijing and be with his Shi Nan. Until one day, a phone call came from his office.
Beijing is actually quite small. One of the colleagues in the office turned out to be Chen Ying's old classmate. She was initially very enthusiastic towards Shi Nan, but after calling Chen Ying, her attitude towards her changed noticeably. Shi Nan had lost her phone and hadn't had time to buy a new one. That day, Lan Di called her during lunch break, and this colleague happened to answer.
She said, "Shi Nan? Oh dear, she went to lunch with Cheng Bin. Who's Cheng Bin? He's our minister. When will he be back?" That's hard to say. It's a romantic time for two; who wouldn't want to linger a little longer? Shi Nan has a knack for winning men's hearts; Minister Cheng won't want to finish so quickly. Why did I say that to her? Oh, who are you to him? You don't know him, do you? You don't know her, do you? She's notorious for seducing men. Back at XX Bank, she even seduced their Dutch boss into coming home. And also... Hello? Why did you hang up?"
Lan Di couldn't listen anymore and hung up. Shi Nan had told him she was unhappy at the bank, but hadn't given a specific reason, and he hadn't asked. He only said, "Whatever makes you happy."
Seducing men? Shi Nan certainly has the looks to seduce men; wasn't she already bewitched years ago? But back then, she was unintentional and unaware of it. Now? Is she actually actively seducing men? Lan Di frowned.
It was Cheng Bin's birthday, and he invited Shi Nan to dinner that evening. Shi Nan thought about it; Cheng Bin usually paid for lunch, and he wouldn't agree to her splitting the bill, saying she was being too formal with him. Now was an opportunity, so she said, "Okay, but on one condition: I'll treat."
The two went to Maxim's at the Chongwenmen Hotel, a restaurant Cheng Bin had booked in advance. Shi Nan had seen the photos Ye Feng had secretly taken at Maxim's in Paris, and looking at this Beijing clone in front of her, it was indeed identical: mahogany veneer, gilded rattan patterns, maple and chestnut leaf-shaped lamps, an endless crystal glass wall, classical murals borrowed from the Louvre, and a magnificent painted ceiling.
Cheng Bin had booked a small salon, a room just for the two of them. The ambiance was hazy, the music romantic. Shi Nan suddenly felt awkward; this place was too much for couples, not them. She got up and went to the restroom.
Her phone rang as soon as she left. She had bought a new phone and number the day before, and the first number she saved was Lan Di. Cheng Bin ignored the first ring. It rang again, and he picked it up casually. Seeing that the caller ID on the screen read "him," he suddenly changed his mind and answered the call.
"Hello?"
Lan Di frowned. "I'm looking for Shi Nan. Who are you?"
"Oh, I'm Cheng Bin," Cheng Bin said, acting as if he were someone very close to her. "I can pass on a message for you: Shi Nan is in the bathroom."
Romantic music drifted through the microphone; it sounded quiet on the other end, suggesting a room. If Cheng Bin had said Shi Nan "went" to the bathroom, it might have been fine, but he said Shi Nan was "in" the bathroom, which inevitably led to speculation.
After a long pause, Lan Di hung up the phone without saying anything.
Meanwhile, Cheng Bin quietly deleted the call log.
April snow
Shi Nan hadn't received a call from Lan Di in a long time, and thought that he was probably very busy since he was about to graduate.
Soon it was April again, and on Lan Di's birthday, Shi Nan dialed Lan Di's home phone number in Japan. She had always had the number, but had never called it; it was always Lan Di who called her.
The person who answered the phone was his aunt—his mother—who said that Landi had not yet returned home.
Shi Nan thanked him and was about to hang up and dial his cell phone when the person on the other end asked her, "Are you Shi Nan?"
She paused for a moment, then said, "Yes."
"If you have time now, Auntie has a few words to say to you."
"Please speak, Auntie."
The other person got straight to the point, "Although I've never met you, I believe the girl my son likes won't be bad. Shi Nan, are you interested in coming to Japan?"
"......Um?"
What I mean is, would you like to work in Japan?
Shi Nan frankly said, "I never thought about it. My major is Dutch, and I don't speak Japanese at all. I don't think I have any chance of developing in Japan."
"Hmm, not bad." The tone on the other end remained calm. "So if you two want to be together, the only possibility is that you don't work and he supports you."
Ms. Shi quickly said, "Auntie, I'm not the kind of girl who idles around."
“That’s not what I meant. You can be a housewife and take care of the family without working. But Shi Nan, Lan Di is about to graduate, and her career will just be starting. She probably won’t be able to afford to stay at home idly for the next few years. And you won’t be able to find a job in Japan, which means you’ll be in a long-distance relationship.” She paused. “A girl’s youth is so short. Will you wait for him forever? Can you wait?”
She had never thought of this; she assumed Lan Di would return to Beijing after graduation. Although he hadn't explicitly said so, she knew that he meant for her to wait for him.
“I thought he could go back to work in Beijing.”
"Didn't he tell you? His father has already arranged for him to go directly to the XX headquarters here after graduation. This is much better than working in a Japanese-owned branch in China. You should understand, right?"
Shi Nan fell silent. Why had he never mentioned it? He was going to stay in Japan after graduation, but he hadn't told her!
"Auntie is just presenting you with long-term facts that you young people can't see. Everyone has experienced love, but what can sustain it for a lifetime? I think you're a smart kid, and you'll understand what Auntie means."
"I heard from Lan Di that you and Uncle also lived apart for a time, didn't you?"
“That’s right, Auntie has been through this. The difference between me and his father and you is that we have many years of relationship and a solid foundation of life. We have Landi, but what about you? Have you ever truly spent a long time together? Not to mention you’ve never lived together. You can only be called newly in love now, still in the very beginning of the hazy stage. How can such a weak foundation guarantee a long-distance relationship? Let alone three to five years, maybe it won’t even last a year.”
“........”
"That's all I have to say. I hope you'll think it over carefully. Goodbye."
Her words were like thorns, piercing Shi Nan's heart.
The doubts and uncertainties she once had about their relationship now seemed to have been answered: he had never considered her his other half, so there was no need for him to tell her where he was.
He did tell her to wait, but he didn't even give her a deadline or a direction. His "sincerity" is quite obvious.
So, as Cheng Bin said, he only said he loved her once during those times. If it were any other girl in bed, he would have said it too, right?
Therefore, he never said that I was Shi Nan's boyfriend; nor did he ever say that Shi Nan was my girlfriend.
I see, I see.
She was too weak to dial any more numbers, and just lay on the bed, tears streaming down her face.
Since Shi Nan's phone was taken by that guy named Cheng Bin, Lan Di hasn't called her again.
He booked a plane ticket for Shi Nan's birthday well in advance. He told himself not to think about what her colleague said, not to think about where she and Cheng Bin were or what they were doing that day. He wanted to ask her, he only wanted to ask her face to face.
On his birthday, he kept checking his phone, knowing what he was expecting.
The phone finally rang; it was his mother, telling him to come home early to celebrate after he finished his work.
No more calls came in until evening.
My heart is utterly lost.
That uncertainty, that feeling of not being able to grasp Shi Nan, returned. Or perhaps he had never grasped him at all?
From the beginning, he was the one who silently loved her. She loved two people before it was his turn. And now, she has another one—has he been dumped too?
But she clearly gave herself to me for the first time.
Or perhaps she simply doesn't care who she gives it to?
On her birthday, Shi kept checking her phone, knowing what she was looking forward to.