But Xiao Qiqi gradually discovered that her reputation at school seemed to be rising again, even more fiercely than when she "slandered" Xia Xuan upon entering the school. Wherever Xiao Qiqi went, she felt pointed at and even mocked. Girls looked down on her, disdained her, and scorned her; boys were knowing, inquisitive, and even… lewd. By the time Xiao Qiqi finally realized this, winter was already long in the season. The gazes of others felt colder than the biting wind.
Xiao Qiqi asked Xu Chun, who shook her head blankly. She asked Lin Wen, who hesitated. She asked Huang Yu, who cursed and patted her head to comfort her, saying those people were crazy. Xiao Qiqi could only knock on Dai Kunkun's door.
Dai Kunkun and Xiao Qiqi lay on the bamboo bridge spanning the lake, watching the cold wind ripple the water. Dai Kunkun gritted her teeth, "You really don't know?"
Xiao Qiqi shook her head blankly.
“Poor kid. I don’t know where the rumors started. Some people said it was you two drinking outside, and that you said it yourself, which was later confirmed by the guy with the mustache who was pursuing you; others said it was that guy with the mustache who said it first, and that it was confirmed by someone who heard you drinking and talking.” Dai Kunkun’s words were like a tongue twister, leaving Xiao Qiqi even more bewildered.
"In short, the core of the rumor is that you, Xiao Qiqi, weren't a virgin at the age of twelve." Dai Kunkun breathed heavily.
Xiao Qiqi was taken aback, then quickly laughed, "Is that all? I did mention it, but is that why everyone sees me as a beast?" Young people in this era are quite open-minded. There are many old houses outside the school, inhabited by men and women from several nearby universities. Even Lin Wen, who is only eighteen years old, has rented a house with Su Tong.
“It’s more serious than that.” Dai Kunkun shook his head. “I’m telling you, don’t panic.”
"What's the big deal? You told me, I'm not afraid." Xiao Qiqi didn't care. She hadn't really done anything wrong, so why should she be afraid of other people's rumors?
"They said you started sleeping with male teachers when you were twelve and broke up a couple. After that, your parents transferred you to several schools."
"Transferring schools? That's because I stayed at my maternal grandparents' house for elementary school, and only transferred to my parents' school for middle school, okay? I transferred to high school because we moved, it was too far away. Wait, sleeping together? Breaking up a couple?"
Dai Kunkun waved her hand, "Don't interrupt, let me finish. They say you have countless boyfriends wherever you go: male teachers, the school cafeteria chef, male classmates, hooligans outside of school, you've dated over a dozen men in your six years of high school, and you've had multiple abortions. They even say your slender frame is because you've had too many promiscuous relationships. In short, you're a... whore. In college, to cover it up, you always wear strange clothes, just so you won't be recognized when you're fooling around with people outside of school. They say you're unpredictable and like to be alone because you frequent certain places, and they also say..."
"Enough!" Xiao Qiqi shook her head repeatedly, her fingernails almost digging into the bamboo railing of the bridge. "Absurd, ridiculous, laughable, where did this come from?"
"Rumors, huh, isn't that how they all start? When you pass them on to me, you embellish them a little; when I pass them on to him, I add a little more; when he passes them on to him, he exaggerates them a little more; and eventually, they spread like wildfire, and the rumors become what they are now. Just like a snowball, it rolls around for a few months and becomes a snow mountain."
Xiao Qiqi felt like her face was about to bleed. Such terrifying rumors? No wonder, no wonder people were gossiping behind her back, no wonder even her homeroom teacher had hesitated to speak to her several times, no wonder many girls who were actually quite close to her avoided her, and no wonder boys would unintentionally make unwanted advances...
Xiao Qiqi dared not think any further, feeling that if she continued, she would definitely go insane. This world was too terrifying.
"Qiqi, how are you? If you want to cry, just cry!" Dai Kunkun anxiously pulled Xiao Qiqi's hand and smiled bitterly, "I told you I didn't know, but you insisted on asking me!"
Xiao Qiqi looked up at the sky, where dark clouds loomed down like a suffocating weight. "Kunkun, go back first. I need to calm down."
Xiao Qiqi ultimately refused Dai Kunkun's continued attempts to comfort her, and stumbled along the rarely traveled path by the lake, continuing forward until she reached the secluded grove of trees where she and Xia Xuan had once been in the summer.
The lake water was still clean, but it had lost its summery shimmering brilliance. Instead, it carried a chilling coldness, gently rippling like sharp blades. The grass was withered and lifeless, and the bare branches swayed desolately, as if unable to withstand the ravages of the cold wind. Xiao Qiqi sat on the large rock where Xia Xuan had once sat, watching the sky and clouds merge into one, watching the cold waves of the lake, listening to the mournful sound of the pines, and the flapping wings of the crows.
Loneliness, it turns out, is so simple.
Xiao Qiqi spent the entire night playing games at an internet cafe, flitting from game groups to group, changing names countless times, but quickly disappearing, as if afraid those fabricated names on the computer would suddenly become "Xiao Qiqi." Like a dancer exhausted, Xiao Qiqi no longer knew whether she was standing on the stage for glory or just to survive. Until she found an even more exciting game, Counter-Strike, picked up a submachine gun, and repeatedly blew her opponents' heads off. The real venting, the thrill, the impulse, calmed her heart for a time. There was a group called Dark Night, which Xiao Qiqi joined unintentionally. The captain was called "Tadpole," and Xiao Qiqi felt incredibly gratified for a moment, even having the urge to cry. She chose the name "Loach," and from then on, she no longer hesitated, no longer wavered. There, Tadpole and Loach danced together in the dark night.
They chatted.
The tadpole asked, "Are you unhappy?"
"I want to blow everyone's head off; people are all devils."
"With gratitude and love, I thank all those who have loved me in their hearts. Deepest thanks to the kind people who, passing by the wall, paused to listen to a few notes of my music before continuing on their way to the market or the temple, to their own futures, never to be called again."
A slight coolness touched her fingertips as the keystrokes produced a rhythmic beat. After a long pause, Mudfish said, "Thank you," and left, carrying a sense of ease and fearlessness. Growing up happens in an instant, and so does finding peace of mind.
Never use your bright eyes to hate. God gave you eyes to seek the light. This was Xiao Qiqi's final comment when she looked back on this period many years later. Although she still didn't understand how deception, slander, and evil could tarnish the inherently noble brilliance of humanity, she treated all those she loved and who loved her with sincerity and preciousness. Perhaps, that was enough.
Jiang Yilan said, "Face all good and evil, gains and losses honestly. Because we are young, we are extravagant; because we are young, we easily learn to forgive; because we are young, we are passionate; because we are young, we are not afraid of the future; because we are young, we want to love."
Thirteen, Passing By
"Miss, you seem to have encroached on my space." Gone was the childish innocence; the man's deep, husky voice was even more captivating. Xiao Qiqi removed the book from her face, squinting at the face magnified before her, then lazily rolled over, put the book back on her face, and continued sleeping. It itched. Xiao Qiqi couldn't help but rub her nose, sneezing inelegantly, then another, fully awake. She lazily got up. "Sir, disturbing someone's nap like this is childish behavior."
Xiao Qiqi grabbed her already messy hair and looked at Xia Xuan, who had a gentle smile, dreamy eyes, and slightly upturned lips, while casually shaking a blade of grass in her hand.
Xia Xuan turned to look at Xiao Qiqi, "Didn't you say you didn't want to be with me? What are you doing here on my turf?"
"I like it!" Xiao Qiqi is no longer the awkward, naive little girl she was a year ago. She's no longer mischievous, no longer a blabbermouth, no longer an angry young woman, no longer sarcastic, no longer wearing strange clothes, no longer running away. Growing up happened in the blink of an eye. Some things are best left to nature. "It's quiet here," Xiao Qiqi said honestly. She had long since learned to be quiet, learned to smile calmly under the naked gaze of others, but she couldn't stand that kind of hypocrisy and affectation. Besides the dormitory, internet cafes, and the streets where no one knew her, where else could she go? After thinking it over, only this place came to mind. This place belonged to Xia Xuan, but only for the first month of summer vacation. He only occasionally came here, so Xiao Qiqi and he had always passed each other by. And now, summer vacation was only a month away again.
“It’s beautiful.” Xia Xuan sat down next to Xiao Qiqi naturally.
"Thank you." Xiao Qiqi looked at the man beside her. He had shed his childishness and become more mature. He wore straight trousers, and his light blue shirt had the sleeves casually rolled up. His once hazy eyes seemed to hold a hint of determination and depth, and his youthful shoulders seemed to have broadened. His back still bore the faint trace of a past wound, but it wasn't the simple helplessness of a boy; instead, it carried a mysterious allure. Xiao Qiqi suddenly smiled. "Dai Kunkun has recently become obsessed with that handsome young man at the hair salon, so she forces me to get my hair done every day. Everyone says it looks like a chicken coop, but only you say it's beautiful."
Xia Xuan turned around and said, "I'm serious, she's very pretty. Pretty girls are pretty no matter what."
Xiao Qiqi looked at him strangely, "Have you become so sweet-talking? Do you often say that to girls?"
"No, I only say that to girls I think are pretty."
"Where's Xu Chun?" Xiao Qiqi's heart skipped a beat, but she asked provocatively.
Xia Xuan smiled gently, without any hesitation or surprise, "She is a beauty."
"Hehe..." Xiao Qiqi laughed and shook her head, "Luckily you said that, otherwise I would definitely have kicked you."
"I've always been an honest person." Xia Xuan put the grass in her mouth and gently chewed it. Her hazy eyes held an unfathomable warmth. Xiao Qiqi was momentarily dazed, as if the person sitting next to her was no longer the same as before.
These days were quiet and perfectly natural. Xiao Qiqi stopped questioning her own heart, stopped searching for the reasons and consequences of being alone with Xia Xuan, and stopped hesitating, fearing, and running away. She only knew that she felt comfortable and peaceful, and perhaps that was enough. Her relationship with Xia Xuan remained the same, neither too close nor too distant, a faint ambiguity. Occasionally, Xia Xuan would pat her head and say, "Be good, don't make a fuss, read a book." Seeing her venting her frustrations with shouts and yells, he would say, "Qiqi, stop yelling, you're scaring the fish away." She mostly slept on the grass, and he would tickle her nose with a blade of grass, "Xiao Qiqi, can you not sleep here?" When she regained some of her former arrogance and called him an idiot, he would deliberately put on a stern face and say, "Hey, if you call me an idiot again, I'll hit you!" After saying that, he would burst into laughter...
But that was all there was to them. She didn't want to get closer, and he seemed to be patiently waiting, or perhaps making a decision. From then on, they never mentioned Xu Chun again, nor the "stories" surrounding Xiao Qiqi. They remained as pure as the sunset outside the playground wall on the first day of school, a faint afterglow, a world unto itself. She sat in the tree, and he stood beneath it, together cherishing that simple beauty.
Such a secret slipped away for a year only to return, a memory from their shared springtime. The lakeside in winter was cold, but they would sit together quietly watching the sunset drift across the water, its thin rays not chilling, but gently warming; he would warm her icy fingers, her small, frozen hand nestled in his large, warm one, their fingertips carrying the scent of a thousand years, and they would smile at each other; they would squat together, heads touching, over a wildfire to cook noodles, the noodles not yet cooked, yet drawing a scolding from the forest ranger, and they would make faces at each other; they would run together to keep warm, and watch trains disappear into the distance…
Xiao Qiqi huddled in the corner of the canvas tent, slurping her noodles. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold, and the steam from the noodles gave them a rosy pink hue. Across from her, Xia Xuan ate elegantly, glancing at Xiao Qiqi occasionally, a warm feeling emanating from her. Seeing Xiao Qiqi stick out her tongue again, Xia Xuan couldn't help but chuckle, "Slow down, no one's going to take it from you. You burned your tongue again, didn't you?" Xiao Qiqi put a finger to shush, her bright red lips pouting, looking incredibly cute. "Don't make a sound. If someone sees us, it'll be troublesome." Xia Xuan shook her head. "Didn't you say you didn't care anymore? Are you worried I'll ruin your reputation?"
Xiao Qiqi's eyes darkened, and she said softly, "I was afraid it would affect your reputation." Xia Xuan felt a pang of heartache looking at the hurt in her eyes. He was aware of the rumors that had swept the entire school, but he only believed his own eyes. He couldn't help but reach out and touch her head, saying, "Hair is best when it's natural, so smooth and shiny." Xiao Qiqi's brows furrowed almost completely. "But back then you said that permed hair looked great."
"I said you're pretty, not that your hair is pretty," Xia Xuan said with a sly laugh. Xiao Qiqi was speechless. "Xia Xuan, you've really changed."
Xia Xuan tapped her forehead, "We're almost graduating, do you think I'd still let you call me an idiot like I did back then, and even go out of my way to buy you medicine?"
Mentioning "buying medicine" made Xiao Qiqi blush even more, and she snorted like a mosquito, "How annoying!"
"When a woman says a man is annoying, it means 'You're so cute' or 'I really love you.'" Someone chimed in sarcastically from behind, startling Xiao Qiqi so much that she dropped her chopsticks on the table. Damn it, it was someone she knew!
Xia Xuan raised her chin and said, "Come sit with me." Then she took out another pair of chopsticks from the chopstick holder and handed them to Xiao Qiqi.
Xiao Qiqi slapped Xia Xuan with his chopsticks, but Xia Xuan quickly dodged; he had already seen Li Yue. Li Yue sat down next to Xia Xuan with half a bowl of noodles, not even looking at Xiao Qiqi, and asked, "Going to Dark Night later?"
Xia Xuan nodded, "Okay."
Xiao Qiqi was utterly shocked. Dark Night? Were they talking about the name of an internet cafe or something else? She didn't dare ask, and Xia Xuan and Li Yue naturally wouldn't tell her either. The three of them ate their noodles in perfect unison. Xiao Qiqi finished quickly, "I'm done," and stood up.
"Are you going back?" Xia Xuan asked, looking up. Xiao Qiqi nodded, her natural smile gone. Whenever a third person entered her life with Xia Xuan, Xiao Qiqi became distant and reserved. Xia Xuan stood up, walked to Xiao Qiqi, and extended his hand. Xiao Qiqi stared at him blankly.
"Are you going to save it for a midnight snack?" Xia Xuan wiped the residue from the corner of her mouth and patted her head. "Go to sleep early, you have exams in a couple of days." Xiao Qiqi was surprised to find that he was so tall. She was 1.64 meters tall, but he was a head taller than her, a distance she had to look up at.
Xiao Qiqi nodded blankly, not daring to look into Li Yue's monstrous eyes. Not looking at him didn't mean he wasn't looking at her. He smiled sarcastically, "Women should never easily say 'I hate you' to men, or people will misunderstand, right, Xia Xuan?"
Xiao Qiqi finally snapped, squeezing out a single word, "Get lost!" Then she looked up defiantly at Li Yue, who ultimately lowered his head, saying, "I don't argue with women."
Xia Xuan watched Xiao Qiqi with a smile until she left triumphantly, then turned to Li Yue and said, "Don't bully her anymore."
"Xia Xuan, you're not going to tell me you're finally going to sleep with Xiao Qiqi, this grass right under your nose?"
"Get lost!" Xia Xuan cursed while smiling, a smile that made Li Yue feel very discouraged.
But Li Yue was still unwilling to give up, "...Xia Xuan, haven't you heard those rumors?"
Xia Xuan's face suddenly turned frosty, her dark eyes sweeping over Li Yue like sharp swords. "Judging a person by their heart and eyes, you can't just listen to what others say. Do you really believe that?"
Li Yue laughed heartily and patted Xia Xuan on the shoulder, "Dude, you finally didn't disappoint me. I never believed it either."
Xia Xuan seemed lost in thought. Li Yue continued eating his noodles, but they gradually tasted bitter and unpalatable. He knew far more than Xia Xuan or even Xiao Qiqi himself, but... everyone has their own secrets, even brothers who shared bunk beds for four years.
The night was still filled with bloody battles. Loaches followed tadpoles, charging again and again into duels with a peak-level Wind God, each side winning and losing. Xiao Qiqi wanted to laugh triumphantly three times, but this was an internet cafe.
Tadpole: "Are you happy today?"
"Yes, I'm happy."
"Why?"
She seduced a man.
What kind of man?
"A man among men."
Do you often seduce men?
"Of course!"
"Then why don't you seduce me?"
"I'm already seducing you."
"..." After a long silence, she said with a crying face, "I think so too."
Loach, smiling, "Bye".
If I'm in a good mood, I'll switch to a different account and start arguing with Fengshenzhidian.
"Crazy, is he stupid?"
"You filthy woman! I'll skin you alive, roast you, and eat you."
"You little punk, you'll probably end up in the mental hospital before you even get my skin peeled off."
"I'll eat you before I even get you into the mental hospital."
"A man should be magnanimous; being so petty is annoying."
"Like your man's tadpole?"
"Of course."
"Women are short-sighted! They're all stupid animals."
"Men like foolish women, so who do you think is more foolish in the end?"
"You're the dumbest!"
...and so on, boringly.
"Loach, I've realized I've fallen in love with you. Let's meet."
"OK."
Smiling face, "Where shall we meet?"
"At the east gate of University A tomorrow at six o'clock, there will be a woman in white with long, straight hair who is as beautiful as an angel. That is your boss."
"Pah! What's with all the white clothes fluttering in the middle of winter? Are you wearing mourning clothes?"
"I'll endure it! How about a white down jacket?"