Xiao Qiqi shook her head. "I'm different from you. I've been a wildflower growing in the fields since I was little, unyielding to wind and rain. As my mother would say, I was born into the wrong family."
Xu Chun said sadly, "I am a flower, but I withered long ago."
Xiao Qiqi felt a mountain of guilt and sympathy, making it hard for her to breathe. "My dear wife, please don't be like this. If you keep belittling yourself like this, it really breaks my heart."
"I know you're the best to me." Xu Chun leaned closer and wrapped her arms around Xiao Qiqi's waist. "Qiqi, you're graduating soon."
"Yes, graduation is coming soon," Xiao Qiqi sighed.
"But I still can't let him go. Although I've learned to be heartbroken over the past year, his image is still etched in my dreams every midnight. What am I going to do?" Xu Chun's voice was as fragile as ice exploding, its sharp, piercing sound causing a bead of sweat to gradually seep from Xiao Qiqi's forehead. "People say that before graduation, you have to go crazy once in a while, so, Qiqi, I've decided to give it another try."
Xiao Qiqi's palms were sweating. "...Then give it a try. You won't regret it. After all, you have your own destiny in your own hands." She almost gritted her teeth as she spoke.
“Yes, so I won’t have any regrets.” Xu Chun raised her head, her alluring eyes shining brightly in the darkness. “No matter what happens in the future, I must have him before graduation. For almost four years, I feel like I’ve been clinging to a straw, walking on the bottom of a lake, never having a single day to breathe properly. Qi Qi, you’re right, fate is in our own hands. I love Xia Xuan. For almost four years, why not continue?” Xu Chun’s words contained an iron will. “Besides, Qi Qi, do you know, Xia Xuan is just shy, just shy. He doesn’t want to take this step, so let me complete this final ceremony for him!”
Xiao Qiqi felt a bitter taste in her mouth. "Actually, he's quite good to you, isn't he?"
"Yes, he's so gentle and considerate towards me. He always thinks of what I need first. He buys medicine for me when I cough, and even runs back to my dorm to pour me warm water. He slows down for me, and he's mesmerized by my smile. Qiqi, doesn't all of this mean we're only one step away? So, Qiqi, I will definitely win him over, win his love, win everything he has. I definitely will!"
Xu Chun's long nails slowly dug into Xiao Qiqi's skin, but Xiao Qiqi was lost in a boundless ocean of emotions, forgetting the pain for a long, long time. Until her eyes grew heavy, and she slowly drifted off to sleep. Xu Chun, still wide awake, watched Xiao Qiqi's innocent, baby-like sleeping posture in the darkness, a strange smile flickering across her face. She slowly rested her head against Xiao Qiqi's chest, murmuring, "Qiqi, I trust you so much!"
Xiao Qiqi was engrossed in the endless chase and, of course, didn't hear. She simply ran endlessly through fields of wildflowers, Xia Xuan's gentle smile always beside her. But suddenly, that smile gradually transformed into a stunningly beautiful face, and those smiling eyes were slowly swallowed by tears. Xiao Qiqi strained to see, strained to discern who was crying, and finally recognized her: it was Xu Chun. Each of Xu Chun's crystal-clear tears fell onto Xiao Qiqi's outstretched hand, cold and slippery, overwhelming her heart. Xiao Qiqi then squatted down on the grass and burst into tears. Looking up, she saw Xia Xuan, hand in hand with Xu Chun, walk past her with a cold smile. The fragrance of the grass, the allure of the wildflowers, were exchanged for a pair of beautiful figures walking away side by side.
When Xiao Qiqi woke up, it was still pitch black outside the glass balcony door, and Xu Chun's body was no longer warm beside her. "Xu Chun?" Xiao Qiqi peeked into the lower bunk; it was just a bare bed board, and Xu Chun was gone. Xiao Qiqi frantically checked her watch: 5:03 AM. Xu Chun's train ticket was for 5:57 AM. Xiao Qiqi quickly got up, dressed, and ran downstairs without even washing her face.
During winter and summer vacations, there are staff on duty in the dormitory building 24 hours a day, so Xiao Qiqi left smoothly and rushed to the school gate, ten minutes had already passed.
The early morning was pitch black, without a ray of light. The pre-dawn darkness drew a thick curtain over the earth. Xiao Qiqi stamped her feet anxiously; there wasn't even a taxi in sight. What bad luck! This was Xu Chun's first time leaving school alone. Why didn't she wake her up?
When Xiao Qiqi arrived at the station, there were still ten minutes left. Relieved, she quickly slipped into a small shop next to the station hall, gave the shopkeeper ten yuan, and appeared on the platform a minute later. Standing on the dimly lit platform, dawn was quietly approaching, and the world was beginning to glow with a hazy light. Xiao Qiqi looked around. Had Xu Chun already boarded the train?
Xu Chun looked at Xia Xuan with a shy smile. The tenderness, charm, and gentleness in her eyes could move anyone's heart. Xia Xuan waved politely to Xu Chun and said, "Goodbye."
Xu Chun suddenly turned around and walked up to Xia Xuan, looking up at his eternally captivating features, as if trying to etch him deeply into her heart. "Xia Xuan, can you kiss me?"
Xia Xuan was taken aback and frowned, "Xu Chun!"
"No, this is the first and last time." Xu Chun looked back at the other tall figure standing at the carriage door with tears in her eyes. "From now on, we are strangers, you know what I mean."
Xia Xuan looked up at the people in the carriage. Li Yue's gaze was evasive yet filled with anticipation. Xia Xuan sighed inwardly. Looking at the woman before him, with her delicate and bright face and alluring, enchanting eyes, he was indeed enough to make any man's heart tremble. However, he had seen too many faces and eyes like that, and what remained in his heart was weariness. Weariness was a state of mind, but loving beauty and cherishing it was innate. In the end, he still put on a smile, gently lowered his head, and lightly touched that smooth and delicate forehead.
Xiao Qiqi hid behind a tall, square pillar at the train station, tightly covering her mouth, silently watching the intimate couple on the opposite platform. Xu Chun revealed a sweet smile, then broke free from Xia Xuan's embrace and ran into the train carriage. Her long, straight, black hair rose slightly in a graceful arc, like a pebble thrown into a still lake, creating beautiful ripples that shimmered in the sunlight, raising golden waves—a beauty so breathtaking it was heartbreaking.
So that's how it is. Xiao Qiqi chuckled to herself. Xu Chun spoke highly of Xia Xuan, his gentleness, and his ambiguous nature, but she had always avoided it, afraid to confront it, even secretly believing that Xia Xuan hadn't given her his best and most special qualities. But it seemed she, Xiao Qiqi, was the one in the wrong. Xia Xuan, a prince—a prince cannot resist the beauty of a princess.
Xiao Qiqi changed her train ticket and left the school in the morning.
When I left, the weather in H City had already begun to change. Large, dark clouds covered the entire city, and a biting wind relentlessly raged across the land. The taxi driver said, "It's going to snow. The first snow of the year."
Xiao Qiqi curiously opened the window and looked at the dark clouds in the sky; it was indeed going to snow. Xia Xuan, perhaps you don't need to go to the north to see a beautiful, silvery-white world. And I don't need to describe to you the warmth and beauty of that snow-covered landscape.
Xia Xuan stood on the balcony, dialing her phone repeatedly, only to hear the long, clear ringtone followed by a busy signal. Gazing at the dimly lit room across the way, shrouded in floral curtains, Xia Xuan sighed. Had she really just left like that?
XVI. Night Talk
Finding a job starts with getting a contact number. Xiao Qiqi gritted her teeth and, accompanied by her high school classmate Ruan Mei, went to a secondhand market to buy a used phone. The first thing she did was call her mother, enduring her inhuman nagging once again. Ruan Mei packed her bags; she was going to Inner Mongolia to marry her boyfriend of two years. So, Xiao Qiqi could stay in their "home" in BeiX for the next two months. Calling it a home was a mere ten square meters, with a shared toilet and bathroom, and a makeshift gas stove set up at the entrance to the kitchen.
Xiao Qiqi continued to press the phone with curiosity, but she couldn't reach Jiang Yilan, Huang Yu, Lin Wen, Dai Kunkun, or Xu Chun. Xiao Qiqi breathed a sigh of relief, at least she didn't have to talk to Xu Chun for the time being.
Xiao Qiqi was about to dial again when Ruan Mei came over and snatched the phone away. "Stop dialing! Do you know how expensive long-distance calls are? You'll regret it when you pay the phone bill tomorrow."
Xiao Qiqi then realized that the phone bill seemed really high. She had just made so many long-distance calls. Oh my god, she quickly stopped herself. "Are you all ready? Ruan Mei, are you really getting married? Isn't that a bit too early?"
“It’s not early anymore. I’m already twenty-three. I’m considered late to get married.” Ruan Mei started school late and is almost two years older than Xiao Qiqi. She dropped out of high school in her second year and came to work in Beijing.
Xiao Qiqi still said with regret, "I still can't understand. My God, I still feel like a child, and you're already married! It's so scary."
"Time really flies. You haven't had a boyfriend yet. You'll know once you do. It's just like that when men and women are together. Marriage is just a formality."
"Since you know it's just a formality, why are you still going to get married? People say marriage is a grave."
“You’re still so childish. You don’t understand how important marriage and childbirth are to a woman. Whether it’s a grave or a honey pot, only she knows. Besides, you know Da Gang has three older sisters. His mother can’t wait any longer…” Ruan Mei blushed as she spoke and refused to continue.
Xiao Qiqi tickled Ruan Mei, "Tell me, tell me, are you shy?"
Ruan Mei dodged a few times before laughing and saying, "His mother keeps urging us to have a grandson. Anyway, we'll have to get married and have children sooner or later, so we might as well have one while his parents are still young and can't take care of the child. That way, we won't have to worry about it."
Xiao Qiqi stared wide-eyed at Ruan Mei. "No way, woman? You're already thinking about having children? Ah, I'm not doing this anymore. I'll be an auntie next year? No, no, Ruan Mei, you can't do this. You're ruining me. I'm still young. How can I become an auntie?"
"Alright, stop being silly. In a couple of years, when you meet the one, you'll probably be even more eager than me. Maybe you'll even have a chubby baby before us."
"Hey, you chatterbox, who told you to say that about me?" Xiao Qiqi pounced on Ruan Mei and tore at her mouth, and the two of them started fighting until Da Gang came in with a smile and stopped.
Many years later, Xiao Qiqi thought about her words with Ruan Mei, her eyes filled with tears. Ruan Mei said that when you meet the right person, you will want to marry him and even have children. She spoke those words with such happiness, pride, and shyness. Xiao Qiqi always wondered what kind of feelings she had. But in this life, will she ever meet that person? Marriage and having children seemed like a distant dream.
Xiao Qiqi found a sales internship at a car company. The variety of cars, their performance, the diverse people, and the novel lifestyle initially made her feel that time was passing quickly. However, after a few days, the monotonous life and the ever-present smiling faces gradually bored her. Especially the cold and lonely nights, the long, dark nights, the endless chill—Xiao Qiqi would wake up frozen from her sleep time and time again, unable to fall back asleep. Ruan Mei's room relied on homemade heating, burning coal, and the biting wind that seemed to seep in through the cracks in the walls was far too much for the weak coal fire to withstand. Xiao Qiqi hesitated for a time, wondering if choosing to come here was a wise decision.
Waking up shivering again, Xiao Qiqi couldn't bear it any longer. In previous years, wouldn't she have been snuggled up in her comfortable doghouse, sleeping soundly? If she felt cold, she could simply ask her mother for an extra blanket, or squeeze past her father and snuggle up with her mother. But now, was this what growing up was? Or was she just making herself suffer? Xiao Qiqi didn't know; she only knew that when she woke up from her reverie, her face was already streaked with tears. Holding the phone she hadn't dared to dial for days, Xiao Qiqi hesitated.
Jiang Yilan picked up the phone, mumbled a few words, and fell asleep with the phone still to her ear. Mom? No, she'd worry. Xiao Qiqi hesitated. If she didn't talk to someone soon, she knew she couldn't take it anymore. Her fingers trembled as she dialed the number she knew by heart. Hearing the beautiful chords, Xiao Qiqi hesitated again. Just as she was about to hang up, that familiar, deep male voice came from the other end.
"Hello, who is this?" Xiao Qiqi listened to the voice, its distant whispers carried on the wind, and was momentarily lost in thought. She covered her mouth to stifle her sobs, tears streaming down her cheeks, onto the back of her hand, and then into the cold blankets. Xiao Qiqi hung up the phone hastily; simply hearing that voice felt like a luxury. Three years of hidden emotions, having endured that moment, were now replaced by a serene smile. This was how Xiao Qiqi had always lived, once wanting to give up in that agonizing moment, but that twilight dawn had transformed it into an even stronger resolve.
"Ring ring ring..." The phone's clear ringtone was particularly loud at night. Xiao Qiqi looked at the constantly flashing number, hesitated again and again, and finally stopped ringing. Xiao Qiqi had just breathed a sigh of relief when the phone started ringing frantically again, relentlessly. Xiao Qiqi finally raised her hand.
"Qiqi, is that you?" The anxiety in her voice was palpable. "Don't stay silent, I know it's you."
"...It's me." Xiao Qiqi finally spoke with difficulty. She had been thinking about what she would say if she saw him again, but it wasn't that awkward. Nothing had happened between them, so why should she feel angry, confused, or embarrassed?
"What's wrong? Are you crying?" The voice was gentle and soothing, devoid of the anxiety from before.
"No, no." Xiao Qiqi forced a smile. "Hehe, I just bought a cell phone and wanted to bother you guys a bit. I don't know how to use it, so I thought it was ringing because I had some kind of ringtone on." Xiao Qiqi spoke very smoothly, as if that was the actual situation.
"Sigh, silly girl." Xia Xuan sighed. "Don't lie to me. I heard you crying just now, and your voice was hoarse."
"I... I have a cold." Xiao Qiqi stopped smiling, letting her hoarse voice echo in the dark night.
"Did you take your medicine?" Xia Xuan asked anxiously, her tone slightly reproachful. "Why aren't you taking better care of yourself?"
"Yes, I took my medicine." Xiao Qiqi felt guilty, but then said, "Xia Xuan, it's snowing here."
"Is it beautiful?" Xia Xuan lowered her voice. "I'm in Hong Kong. There's no snow here, only continuous rain, which is quite annoying."
"It's beautiful, everything is silvery white, but..."
"Just what?" Xia Xuan was already chuckling.
"The aunties and uncles sweeping the streets have cleared all the snow. Just a moment ago, the streets were covered in white, but in the blink of an eye, they are clean. Only the rooftops and tree branches still have a layer of velvet, indicating that it snowed here."
"Hehe..." Xia Xuan's laughter grew louder. "Silly girl." She paused for a moment. "It snowed in H City the day you left, did you see it?"
"I didn't see it. My classmate said she was going home and told me to leave early, so I left this morning."
"Yeah, I even called to offer to take you home. Sweetie, next time you change your mind, be sure to tell me."
"I understand." Xiao Qiqi felt increasingly strange; why was she speaking to Xia Xuan so gently?
Are you going home for Chinese New Year?
"I'm not going back." Xiao Qiqi sniffed. "My mom says I'm an ingrate."
"Your mom is just showing her love." Xia Xuan's voice carried a hint of melancholy. "Won't you be lonely during the New Year?"
"Lonely? How could I be? I'm busy to death at work every day, and I've made a lot of new friends and learned a lot of new things. I feel my life is fulfilling," Xiao Qiqi exclaimed dramatically. "I'm not lonely at all!"
Xia Xuan remained silent. "So, are you going to work tomorrow?"
"Go!"
"Drink more water if you have a cold, take your medicine on time, and go to bed early. You have to go to work tomorrow." Xia Xuan's gentle instructions seemed to warm Xiao Qiqi's heart with a spark of warmth. Xiao Qiqi quickly agreed and was about to hang up.
Xia Xuan said, "Wait a minute, which company do you work for?"
Xiao Qiqi didn't think much of it, told Xia Xuan the company name, and Xia Xuan just hummed in response. The two then said goodnight to each other and hung up the phone.
After the call ended, Xiao Qiqi nervously looked at her phone, pinching her cheeks until they were completely red. She couldn't help but groan. "Xiao Qiqi, is your heart really just a so-called revival of youth in your senior year? Has your heart, dormant for over three years, become so fragile?" Frustrated, she slapped her face, muttered a few curses to herself, and finally tossed and turned until she fell asleep.
The next day, Xiao Qiqi was constantly distracted at work. Finally, during her lunch break, she used the company phone to call Jiang Yilan.
"Jiang Yilan, are you coming to Beijing or not?"
"Oh dear, Qiqi, did you call me last night?"
Xiao Qiqi felt dizzy and pressed her forehead. "I'm spending the New Year here this year. Please come and spend the New Year with me. I'm so lonely."
"No, my mom said it can only be done after the New Year." Jiang Yilan smacked her lips, seemingly eating something.
"Lan'er." Xiao Qiqi felt a desire to speak.
"Wow, Xiao Qiqi, you must have something to say, otherwise you wouldn't be so mushy."
"I...I want to ask you what it feels like to be in love." Xiao Qiqi hesitated before speaking. Jiang Yilan already had a boyfriend, Zhao Xi, whom she had been dating for a year.
"Oh my god, Xiao Qiqi, you didn't find a handsome guy in Beijing, did you? Are you dating someone?" Jiang Yilan said, her mouth agape.
"No!" Xiao Qiqi grumbled. "Fine, then don't tell me."
"Hehe, alright, look at you, so timid. It's embarrassing to have your first love at such an old age," Jiang Yilan sneered. "Let me tell you, being in love means missing him terribly if you don't see him for a day; wanting to see him makes everything he does seem pleasing to the eye; wanting to hear his voice makes everything he says feel wonderful; constantly thinking of him while doing things; comparing him to others and thinking he's the best in everything; getting angry when you see him with other girls; thinking of him when you're sad or happy; feeling completely natural, comfortable, happy, and even blissful in his presence..."
Xiao Qiqi didn't hear what Jiang Yilan said after that. She hung up the phone loudly, startling Sister Chen on the other end, who asked curiously, "Xiao Qiqi, what's wrong? Why is your face so red?"
Xiao Qiqi touched her face, which was indeed as red as a sunset. She quickly forced a smile and said, "It's nothing, it's just too hot here." Then, ignoring Sister Chen's strange looks, she ran into the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. Looking at the woman with an oval face and flirtatious eyes in the mirror, Xiao Qiqi was startled. Was that really her? Was she really in heat?
"That was too fast!" Xiao Qiqi slapped the mirror angrily, then saw Sister Chen's strange smile in the mirror. One sentence from Sister Chen startled Xiao Qiqi again, "Xiao Qiqi, your boyfriend is here, right? You seem so happy!"
XVII. Festivals
The company has a holiday on Chinese New Year, but everyone else works. This is the peak season for car sales, and many people take leave to go home. Therefore, the company is willing to hire students like Xiao Qiqi for internships.
Why not stay home or visit relatives during the holidays? This is Xiao Qiqi's biggest thought these past few days. She's been so busy her feet are aching, and every day when she gets home, she collapses into bed, ignoring the nighttime chill, and falls asleep the moment her head hits the pillow. She even missed several of Xia Xuan's calls. The next day, she'd feel embarrassed and text Xia Xuan apologizing. Xia Xuan would never get angry, but he changed the time he called, speaking slowly to her every morning while Xiao Qiqi was crammed onto the chilly bus.
Xiao Qiqi once asked, "Why are you calling me from inside the car? It's so noisy."
Xia Xuan said, "I'm afraid you'll fall asleep. It's cold in the car, and you'll catch a cold if you get chilled."
Xiao Qiqi felt a heat on her nose. Was she really just going to wait for spring, for the flowers to bloom? Xiao Qiqi didn't know, and didn't want to think about it.
The seven-day holiday that everyone else had enjoyed was finally over, and Xiao Qiqi finally had a day to rest. Wrapped in a black down jacket, she walked onto the chilly street, looking at the red lanterns and flowering trees everywhere, and felt a deep sense of感慨 (gǎnkǎi, a complex emotion encompassing both admiration and reflection). The city's nights were beautiful, especially the dazzling fireworks every night, breathtakingly beautiful, yet something seemed to be missing. Xiao Qiqi kept thinking, what exactly was missing?
"Sister, let's buy some flowers." A little girl carrying a flower basket stopped Xiao Qiqi.