"...Someone once told me that many things are forgotten if you don't think about them. Later I found out that's not true at all."
Zhuang Xian still didn't tell Han Shu. Perhaps she knew who "that person" was. Many years ago, on the second morning in Sanya, she inexplicably went to the trash can where Han Shu had thrown something away. Whether it was her luck or the cleaner's laziness, the item was still there.
It was a returned package, and the address on it came from a place completely unfamiliar to her.
"I still don't understand, he didn't even bring it up, so why did you break up with him?"
Many secrets from the past will be washed away by time, leaving no trace of secrecy. Guo Rongrong, now a successful lawyer, also posed a question to Zhuang Xian. Guo Rongrong and Han Shu lived in the same city; she was single and still loathed Han Shu, constantly opposing him whenever they had contact at work.
Zhuang Xian said, "I remembered the Cinderella theory you told me. You were wrong. I think I still put on the glass slippers, but one day I suddenly discovered that the lights in the prince's castle had been extinguished by the person who passed by before, and it was pitch black inside. I was scared."
Chapter Ten: Only those who suffer truly know.
Han Shu left his parents' house and received a call from Fang Zhihe while waiting at a traffic light. Fang Zhihe said that it was New Year's Day tomorrow and it was very lively outside, asking if Han Shu wanted to go out for a drink. Han Shu had been reluctant to socialize lately, but he was feeling really bored at the moment, and Fang Zhihe was one of his closest friends since childhood. He thought that rather than going back to his place and feeling anxious in front of the silent curtains and walls, he might as well find a crowded place to have a drink. So he immediately agreed, turned his car around, and drove onto the overpass, heading straight for the nightclub where Fang Zhihe was.
He initially thought Fang Zhihe would be waiting for him with a large group of friends, but when he arrived, he found that Fang Zhihe was also sitting alone at the bar, with empty bottles in front of him. When he saw Han Shu, he quickly waved.
Han Shu felt a little better. He had thought he was the only one wandering around tonight, but it turned out they were in the same boat. He sat down next to Fang Zhihe and said with a smile, "I'm pretty considerate, aren't I? I made a special trip out of my busy schedule to keep you company."
Fang Zhihe nearly spat out his drink, but said nothing. He pushed his glass towards Han Shu's hand, "Then I'll be extremely grateful. What have you been so busy with lately? Did you report to the Municipal Institute? You know, a new broom sweeps clean, but even if you're busy, you can't be so busy that you've lost your girlfriend, can you? I heard that your super female PhD broke up with you again..."
These days, good news doesn't travel far, but bad news travels fast. Han Shu wasn't surprised. He took a sip of wine and said, "Everyone has their own ambitions, and you really can't force fate."
"Your old man probably gave you a good scolding again this time, didn't he? You look so listless. I have to say, your love life has been pretty bumpy." Fang Zhihe teased.
Han Shu chuckled, seemingly unconcerned. "What's the rush? I enjoy the process. I'm not afraid to be blunt with you. Finding women is easy for me; I can have any kind I want." As he spoke, his gaze met that of two alluring women a few meters away. He raised his glass slightly in acknowledgment at their interested and fiery glances, and gave them a meaningful, faint smile.
Fang Zhihe put his arm around Han Shu's shoulder and laughed, "It's said that most serial killers have a fixed preference for certain types of victims: hair, height, skin color, age range... If they don't meet these specific criteria, they won't kill them even if they come to them..."
"Come on," Han Shu shook off his friend's hand. "Don't try to apply your twisted theories to me."
Fang Zhihe teaches psychology at the university. He laughed and said, "I recently started a public elective course called 'Lecture on College Students' Sexual and Mental Health' in the department. Before I started the course, I didn't know how poor and backward our country's knowledge of sexual enlightenment for teenagers was... By the way, my course is quite popular. It's incomparable to when I was teaching social psychology. Why don't you come and support me sometime? You might find it helpful."
Han Shu laughed loudly, "Then did you teach your students what the key to sexual enlightenment that unlocked the pure mind of your adolescence was? You're a sly one, don't forget that you used to carry a lot of 'enlightenment materials' in your schoolbag in high school, Zhou Liang and I were both poisoned by you..."
"Don't drag Zhou Liang into this. His kid can already call him 'Dad,' he's got impeccable credentials, and his life is incredibly comfortable. Neither of us can compare to him. Especially you, your eyes are full of spring fever, but your face is gloomy. Your life is getting worse and worse. I'm not particularly talented, but I'm a small professional. I've guided quite a few lost sheep to a happy new life. Let me tell you now, maybe I can give you some advice." Fang Zhihe finished speaking and leisurely pushed up his glasses.
Han Shu scoffed, "Keep your tricks for fooling underage girls."
Fang Zhihe chuckled: "Underage girls aren't necessarily easy to fool. They're hard to handle when others are young and naive, and even more difficult when time has passed. It's like some people who have plenty of food and drink, but they insist on gnawing on the same bone for over ten years and still can't get it. It's so frustrating!"
When he said the last two sentences, "anxious and helpless," he was humming a self-composed tune.
Han Shu feigned ignorance, saying, "Who are you calling a dog a bone?" But he couldn't help but show a slight unease. He turned his face away, avoiding Fang Zhihe's eyes, and pretended to watch the performance on stage. The band was screaming hysterically, and it was irritating to listen to. He clicked his tongue and told the waiter to bring another bottle of wine.
Fang Zhihe fiddled with the coaster, muttering to himself, "There's no one else here, so why are you so stubborn? There's an old saying, 'Too proud to admit you'll suffer!' You're hiding it because you're afraid to admit that even Han Shu has his moments of embarrassment. Some things are considered private, and as brothers and friends, we shouldn't pry. We haven't said much over the years. Psychologically speaking, avoidance can be seen as a self-protective stress response. But if you don't acknowledge that hurdle exists, you'll never get over it! Everyone can see it. Who are you thinking of? It's a thankless task..."
He didn't specify who "who" was, but Han Shu still reacted. When he turned around, his expression had changed, and he said angrily, "Which eye of yours saw me thinking about her? Are you a tapeworm in my stomach?"
Han Shu wasn't really angry with Fang Zhihe, but he was just embarrassed for a moment. He shouted a couple of times and then calmed down. He gritted his teeth and continued to explain, "You wouldn't understand even if I told you. I wasn't thinking about her. I was just... I felt sorry for her and I felt sorry for her... If it weren't for me, she would definitely be living a better life than she is now. At least she wouldn't be struggling to make a living alone with a child."
"Oh..." Fang Zhihe looked like he suddenly understood. "So you're just pitying someone else. If you ask me, is that child yours?"
Han Shu's face paled, and he continued, "That child isn't hers either. I checked. She was adopted by an orphanage and registered under the name of some relative of hers. She has absolutely no relation to her. Her parents and family have all cut ties with her. If it weren't for this child, she would be all alone, and her life would be unbearable." As Han Shu spoke, he recalled what Xie Wangnian had told him earlier, and his heart sank even further.
"They say that giving roses leaves a lingering fragrance on your own hands. According to you, you pity her and are making it up to her, so you should feel a sense of satisfaction and comfort. But I don't see that in you at all. Instead, you seem like you've lost your soul all day long."
Han Shu was at a loss for words for a moment, and after thinking for a long time, he reluctantly admitted, "She refuses to accept me. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to see me again." Saying this was not an easy thing for him, but fortunately, he still had a wine glass in his hand.
Fang Zhihe casually continued, "Then you should just go along with what she wants. Since she doesn't want anything to do with you, you should shut up. People who borrow money don't hold grudges, but you, who owe money, are crying and begging to pay it back all day long. What kind of logic is that?"
Han Shu rested his hands on the bar, covering most of his face. "But I hope she's doing better. Seeing her like this makes me feel really bad."
"Then just don't go see her, out of sight, out of mind. What, can't resist? You say she's pitiful, but I think you're more pitiful."
After Fang Zhihe finished speaking, even Han Shu was a little surprised. They had been friends for so many years and knew each other very well, so he tried to confide some of the gloom and distress that had been lingering in his heart for many years. He had never even said these things to his own sister, Han Lin. But he had never seen Fang speak to him in such a sharp tone before, and for a moment he didn't know how to respond.
Fang Zhihe seemed to realize his mistake, and his tone softened considerably when he said the next sentence, "Han Shu, didn't you ever think that she doesn't need your apology or compensation at all?"
Han Shu had certainly considered it, but what struck him as even more odd was not this. He put down his cup, looked Fang Zhihe up and down, and said with a hint of doubt in his voice, "Your research in psychology is far too broad. It's as if you know her very well?"
"I can't say whether I understand her or not, but during the years she was 'inside,' I applied to visit her many times, but she never accepted. Later, I wondered, did my visits really mean anything to her..."
"You've visited her 'many times'?" Han Shu couldn't hold back any longer and interrupted Fang Zhihe, standing up in disbelief to look at his good friend. "If I remember correctly, I only asked you for help once!"
“That’s right, I went on my own the following times,” Fang Zhihe said slowly.
Han Shu sneered, "What does she have to do with you? Why would you go see her? Is it worth it?"
"Speaking of relationships, you haven't forgotten that she's also my classmate. Or, what do you think you did to make your relationship with her closer than others?" Han Shu angrily shoved him on the shoulder, making him stagger. He didn't fall off the chair, but his wine glass fell to the ground. Fortunately, in the noisy environment, it didn't attract much attention.
Han Shu released his grip, seemingly stunned himself. He sat back down in his seat, still in a daze.
"I think you've had too much to drink," he said to Fang Zhihe with hatred. Just a second ago, he had been thinking of punching the face with frameless glasses in front of him, but he wasn't a violent and reckless person. Most importantly, Fang Zhihe's words, though harsh, were undeniably true.
"You applied to visit her, and you kept it from me?" Han Shu said this, his heart filled with mixed emotions, a feeling he could hardly swallow.
Fang Zhihe lowered his head, straightened his collar, and asked, "Do I have an obligation to declare this to you?"
Han Shu looked coldly at Fang Zhihe, "This is not something a friend should do."
"You were afraid to face her, so you didn't even dare to hear news about her back then. Does that mean everyone else should forget her like you? Now you want to make it up to her, so everyone else has to back down as well?"
"That's not what I meant." Han Shu took a deep breath and turned his face away.
Fang Zhihe, with a mocking expression, added, "You consider her yours in your heart? But is she really yours?"
"You're talking nonsense!"
"Isn't jealousy written all over your face right now?"
"I didn't!" Han Shu, unable to contain his anger, raised his voice. The people chatting and laughing around him looked at him strangely, including the pretty girl who had previously shown him kindness. This was truly out of line, but Han Shu found himself completely unconcerned. He had always been a proud and self-respecting person, and his friends, whether it was Xiao Fang, Zhou Liang, or others, usually tacitly backed down. But Fang Zhihe's relentless pressure today had left him feeling unprecedentedly panicked, and his anger stemmed more from the humiliation of desperately trying to defend himself.
"You don't have any?" Even the light reflected off Fang Zhihe's glasses seemed to be mocking him.
"I didn't..." Han Shu's voice lowered, his hands clasped together. He was silent for a moment before trying to speak calmly, "Xiao Fang, there are some things I can't explain. My feelings for her are complicated, mixed with many things from the past. Yes, you probably know that I seemed to have some feelings for her back in school, but so much time has passed, everything has changed. What I feel isn't what you think. I think I was wrong, and I want to make it up to her, maybe that will make me feel better. I've had enough over the years. But she doesn't want it, and I don't know what to do. Do you understand?"
"Haha, you don't understand, but you ask me if I do? Some things you can think of as very complicated, but if you sort them out step by step, they are actually very simple. Are you stupid? Of course not. If this happened to someone else, you would understand better than anyone else. You are just deceiving yourself and being stubborn."
"I'm not arguing with you about this, it's ridiculous."
"Then let me be frank with you. Han Shu, what do you think of me?"
The sudden shift in topic was so bizarre that Han Shu was momentarily bewildered. He said irritably, "You? You're all dressed up, aren't you?"
"To be honest, I'm well-educated, have a harmonious family, a stable job, a good income, good health, decent looks, and no bad habits. If, and I mean if, Xie Junian really has something going on with me, that wouldn't be a bad match. Why are you getting so angry? You should rest assured."
"You and her? What a joke!" Han Shu feigned disdain and amusement, but his tone had changed.
"You won't let her go? Very well, we're back to our previous assumption: you believe she's yours. Your only compensation is to ensure she lives a good life, and no one but you, Han Shu, can provide that kind of good life?"
This argument sounds familiar; Ju Nian seems to have said something similar: "Does my happiness depend solely on you?"
Han Shu suddenly felt a tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. He didn't want to think about it anymore, or perhaps he could understand it but couldn't accept it. Could he be a bystander or a passerby in Xie Junian's life? No, no, no, if that were the case, Han Shu would rather she hate him.
But what kind of psychology is this? Han Shu hates psychology!
He picked up his coat. "I don't want to discuss pointless things with a drunk person."
“You’ll find it meaningful,” Fang Zhihe said, half-lying on the bar.
Han Shu shrugged dismissively, took a few steps, then turned back, pointed at Fang Zhihe, and said, "Don't bother her!"
"Han Shu, by what right do you warn me?"
"It's none of your business."
Fang Zhihe took off his glasses, wiped the fog off, and said, "Only those who are suffering know the pain!"
Han Shu coldly slapped down his share of the wine money and left without looking back.
It was pitch black all around. He groped his way out to check and discovered that there was a power outage on the last night of the year.
It was still bitterly cold on New Year's Day, but Han Shu didn't care. He recklessly poured himself a shower under the broken electric water heater, his body shivering, but the fire in his heart remained unextinguished. Xiao Fang wasn't a talkative person; for over ten years, whether he knew the truth or not, he had never uttered a single unnecessary word. What exactly did he mean today?
As midnight approached, the distant roar of fireworks filled the air. Han Shu had hoped for a lively moment, but instead found himself even more desolate. He stood before the bathroom mirror, gazing at his reflection in the dim light of a half-burnt candle.
"Only those who suffer know the pain." This sounds more like a curse from Fang Zhihe.
Han Shu shook his head, flicked the water droplets from his hair, and wiped the condensation off the glass with his hand. He repeated this to the person in the mirror over and over again.
"I'm fine, I'm fine... Can you see that?"
Chapter Eleven: Let bygones be bygones
The Spring Festival Gala at Taiyuan Road Primary School was scheduled for the evening. It had been drizzling since morning, and by early evening it was already dark. Walking on the slightly muddy road, the wind made it feel colder than the low temperature predicted in the weather forecast. Ju Nian and Fei Ming struggled to walk to the bus stop, holding a large umbrella.
After much persuasion from Ju Nian, Fei Ming finally agreed not to change into her dance clothes and shoes for the time being, so as not to get her outfit dirty. She was so excited and nervous about the performance that she couldn't sleep all night. But as soon as she stepped outside, the terrible weather and road conditions made her heart, which was immersed in the fairy tale song and dance, feel a little frustrated. A gust of cold wind made her complain of a headache.
"Auntie, I knew it wouldn't work to just use one umbrella," Fei Ming complained, puffing out white breath.
Ju Nian smiled slightly, not pointing it out that she was the one who thought the other umbrella was old and ugly. She simply moved the umbrella handle closer to Fei Ming and comforted her, "We'll be at the bus stop soon."
The weather was terrible, even fewer people were willing to walk, and the buses that had just passed were all packed. The child was preoccupied with the most important thing right now—the performance—and was naturally anxious and restless. She watched helplessly as one private car after another sped past her, and couldn't help but mutter, "I wonder what Uncle Han Shu is doing. I clearly told him there was a performance tonight."
After saying this, Fei Ming secretly glanced at her aunt. Ju Nian was absentmindedly shaking the water droplets off her umbrella, seemingly lost in thought, as if she hadn't heard what Fei Ming had said. Fei Ming breathed a sigh of relief, but was also somewhat disappointed, and sullenly craned her neck to wait for the next bus.
After a while, Fei Ming had almost forgotten about the topic when he heard his aunt slowly ask, "Oh, what did he say?"
Fei Ming rolled her eyes, thinking to herself that her aunt's reaction was slow. But when she brought this up, she perked up a bit. "I called Uncle Han Shu last week. He was really strange. He didn't say whether he was coming or not. He just asked if I knew he was coming."
"I see." Ju Nian nodded, then fell silent.
This result obviously did not satisfy the child. Fei Ming pretended to be mature and analyzed, "Auntie, is it because you didn't let Uncle Han Shu come? I feel like he's a little afraid of you."
Ju Nian laughed, "How could that be? If your Uncle Han Shu isn't coming, it's because he has other things to do."
"But the performance is at night, so he doesn't have to go to work."
"Fool, adults have many things to do besides going to work."
"Then why don't you have anything to do when you're not at work?"
Ju Nian was speechless; she realized she couldn't argue with a child who was only ten years old.
Having finally arrived at the elementary school auditorium, Fei Ming was still unwilling to give up and kept looking around, secretly hoping that Uncle Han Shu would suddenly appear from some corner and give her a "surprise" with a grin.
Before long, Fei Ming will be the Snow White on stage, the center of attention. She hopes that more people she likes can share the glory of that moment, especially Uncle Han Shu. If he comes, many of her classmates who mocked her as an orphan will find that there is a handsome and kind "parent" cheering and applauding for her, Xie Fei Ming, instead of just her aunt quietly accompanying her.
Her aunt wasn't bad either. Fei Ming knew perfectly well that her aunt was the one who truly cared for her, but her aunt was always too aloof, and Fei Ming was terrified of that aloofness. What she longed for was a lively dinner table waiting for her after school, and a warm embrace in times of joy or sorrow, but she had none of those things. All she could remember was occasionally waking up at midnight, the boundless silence of the old house, and her aunt Ju Nian's lonely profile as she sat there.